LILTEX41

@DelaneyJuliette Wow, I'm so glad you are feeling the joy of being raw and vulnerable here! Thank you for sharing all your experiences too! That day of the accident is an absolute testimony of what adderall does to me! I don't usually ever go more than 5 maybe 10 miles over the speed limit. The fact that I was driving insane like that in horrible conditions just goes to show how invincible I felt being on adderall. It had literally just kicked in and I hadn't had any in a long time. I felt like superman. So insane!!! I am just so blessed that nobody got hurt besides me (I did break a tiny bone in my back), but I should seriously be dead. Anyhow, like you were saying there is so much relief in coming CLEAN! You know the craziest thing happened during the accident. After I was handcuffed and put in the back of the police car I actually laughed to myself because I thought, "Thank GOD this is over. I will never have to go through this again." I knew I was done with ALL OF IT. No more. NEVER AGAIN. And since then I have felt this tremendous freedom because I don't have to hide anything from anyone. I don't really care what anyone thinks of me today. I F-D up BIG TIME, but the past is the past and all I can do is move forward now and be grateful I didn't keep spiraling out of control for the next however many years. I'm coming up on the 6 month mark as of Christmas and that feels so amazing. Everyday this all moves farther and farther away from me and all I can do now is look to a brighter future and learn from the past. Like you said, posting all this out on this site creates some serious accountability because you know once it's out there you don't want to have to come back and say you went backwards again. Every time I post anything anywhere I just look at it as another deposit into my recovery. As many days as I have urges and cravings to go back to using the logic part of my brain knows that is a horrible idea and to keep at this recovery thing until it no longer is a struggle again someday. When I look back to what made me start all this up again it had to do with some relationships that weren't exactly closed off. I followed little crumbs thrown at me until I jumped off the ledge of insanity again. Makes me pretty sick to think that I gave up 18 months clean for nothing as of course those relationships fell apart eventually and I'm the one who ended up with a OMVI, destroyed car, and about $20k spent on cleaning up the entire mess. Not quite the fairytale ending. BUT at least I'm not dead, I'm not paralyzed, I did't hurt anyone, and I made it back to the path of recovery. I could've chosen differently. It's amazing the blessings that come with recovery. Do you know that since I got sober on 6/25/19, I went on and did a half ironman a month later, won 2nd place for my age group in a half marathon 2 months after that, and then went on and qualified for the Boston marathon (my 2nd time since I was 22 and have been dreaming about for all these years since as I never ran it the first time I qualified) in October? I literally randomly signed up for the marathon not thinking I could even do it since I had a broken bone. I tried to sign up for the half, but there was a cheaper deal on craigslist from some guy selling his bib. Anyhow, I mention all of this because it's UNREAL what you can achieve sober or at least how drastically different my life is in recovery. EVERYTHING gets better. It's just the drugs tricking you that can't function without them. ESPECIALLY ADDERALL. But I know that I know that I know that my life is a MILLION TIMES BETTER OFF without it! Anyhow, I just typed out an essay. Sorry about that, lol. I have so much on my mind. Message me if you need someone to reach out to if you're feeling down! I love helping others whenever possible. It helps keep me clean! Much love!! LT P.s. I wanted to share one more thing I found last night. Remember the signs I mentioned yesterday? I looked up my sobriety date under the angel number signs and this is what it says. I thought it was pretty awesome! #SIGNS Angel number 625 meaning shows that this is the time for you to make some necessary but very important changes in your life. This change will help open new and eventful opportunities in your life. These opportunities will lead to your growth and expansion in the right direction. As much as change is difficult, adapt to it for your own benefit.

Ok, you're making a big impact on me and I am grateful to have someone I can be helpful to right now! I want you to really understand my situation so this doesn't happen to you and you CAN break free NOW before anything bad happens like it did to me! I have not brought this up on this forum because I've been too scared to post about it, but I want to tell you something. There were only a few times I went back and got adderall during my slip of the past few years. I had just recently found a few people who would sell them to me. The day of my accident I had just gotten some pills because I needed to sober up for work and I was freaking the hell out. WELL, they were sitting on my passenger seat and I had just popped the first one an hour before the accident. It had just kicked in and I was going about 80-100 mph because I was so high and trying to get to work on time. It was POURING down rain so I hydroplaned. THEN as soon as the semi hit and the car stopped, I came to with all the airbags deployed and my first thought was GRAB THE PILLS!! I put them in my pocket, right? Well, I wasn't thinking straight to say the least. The cops came, gave me a sobriety test, and then searched me and found them. I was charged with a freaking FELONY! I then went on and did outpatient rehab and EVERYTHING I possibly could to get it dismissed. It has been dismissed now THANK GOD and I just have to go get the records sealed next week. PLEASE use this for your benefit and let it be another sign to stay clean. I hope this helps. Hugs!

I just saw your response pop up in my email and I had to come back to tell you, IT'S A SIGN!!! I LOVE it when my angels direct me and give me signs!! And this makes my heart so happy for you! I don't know if you believe in that stuff, but I sure do! I've read our guardian angels are always trying to communicate with us and until we make a conscious choice to start looking for the signs, we might not see them. I'm trying to think back to my last one... I can't think of any recently, but I do know the week before my car accident in which I should've died I got about 6 MAJOR signs from them that said, "SOBER UP!" Wait, I just found another one... so my friend Kelsey and I love talking about the signs and we always text each other when we get them. I just found one of our texts back from my accident. This one is horribly sad, but again it was a sign from my angels. So back this past year I got an email from change.org about this girl that died in a car accident because her car had faulty airbags. https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/leticiamiranda/a-17-year-old-girl-died-after-a-defective-air-bag-ruptured-i I normally don't pay attention to recalls on my car for some reason, but I read this email and even sent it to my mom because it was so horribly sad. THEN I got a notice that my car was recalled for the same airbags! I had a hondafit so for the first time ever I actually took it in and had them fixed. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would I have guessed I was going to get into a car accident that same year and ALL my airbags went off. Who knows if they were bad, but all I know is my angels are with me all the time. Glad you found that journal entry!! Hope it brightened your day. You are doing this!! Stay strong!!!

Chunk everything down into small baby steps and then delight in the fact of accomplishing one chunk at a time. Try to turn off any thoughts outside of the task at hand. Recently, I've done this thing where I tell myself STOP THINKING and I try to just be aware of the present and my surroundings. I learned it from Elkhart Tolle (The power of now). It really does help!

Honestly, that really makes me feel so much better about my slip up so thank you so much for sharing! I got clean 11.12.10 and then had a really good chunk of time completely free of all drugs/alcohol up until 4/2017 minus a 5 month drinking bender and some other random binges here and there. I do feel that each time I've started it all up again I've learned a lot about what led up to it and now working to fix those issues so I can stay clean and free moving forward. One thing I noticed about people with long term recovery is a lot of them plugged into some type of program and I think that's really important for accountability sake. I'm trying to start a Smart Recovery meeting at my church and waiting to hear back from my pastor. I know if I'm in charge of that I will stand a way greater chance of not going back to all of it this time. Fingers crossed he says yes! How was your 6 years substance free? Do you remember what precipitated the slip?

That's so awesome you two!! Keep it up! Although I am not in the trenches of adderall addiction anymore, I can relate now from coming clean of kratom. I am on day 32 today and it's been a whirlwind. I took it daily for 4.5 months straight and it seriously took the first 3 weeks to get the acute withdrawals over and done with. Week 4 was insane because the acute phase of withdrawals ended, but my craving for alcohol came back full force (170 days clean from all substances + 32 days kratom free). Anyhow, what I discovered this past week was the crazy brain fog had finally lifted and I am completely back to my old self again. My relationships with people are coming back to life! I was so consumed by alcohol/drugs for past almost 3 years, it's like everything else had vanished to the way side. I just feel like I feel everything so much more and I am so raw today in the best of ways. It makes me sad I abandoned myself for all that time, but good AF again to be back and feeling better than ever! I like being present today more than I ever did before. I like waking up after actually sleeping a full 8 hours feeling refreshed. I love that I am not trapped by any addiction..you know the constant searching, waiting, trying to get the next buzz, coming down from the high, and then trying to get the high again. OR the times you do get it, but it's nowhere as potent as the last time and you need more than before. What an exhausting experience! And I love relishing in the fact that each day I don't do it, I am one step further away from it, one day stronger, and one day freer from it than the day before. One day none of this will be a struggle anymore. It has gotten so much progressively better for me and I'm so grateful I quit and moving in the right direction again. The fact the thought arose and you didn't act on it was HUGE! Keep doing that and delight in the joy that you beat your addictive voice! I keep imagining the gremlin in my brain and then I swing at him from within my brain and knock him the F out of my ear. LOL. Bye bye monster!!

Hi Delaney! How you doing??? You hanging in there???

So glad you are here!

I took it everyday for 6 years straight. I started out with 10mgs per day and ended with a 40mg per day script. My routine is that I would run out of my pills by the 4th week, sleep for 4 days straight and my life would be a mess that week. Then I'd get my new script, stay up for 2 days straight cleaning like crazy, and then just go back into my adderall induced OCD behaviors of tackling new projects or whatever for 3 weeks straight again. Well all that plus binge drinking at night to come down, etc. How about you?

Happy

O-H!

I forgot to mention my success story to getting sober again!! So I did end up going back and completing an outpatient program. I finished that up a little over two months ago. Then I ran the Columbus Marathon and qualified for the Boston Marathon. I ran a 3:28 and I get to run the Boston Marathon in 2021. I'm pretty excited about that.

Awe, thank you so much!!

Hello Quitting Adderall Beauties! Good morning and hope you are off to a great day! I am sitting on my couch, drinking coffee, snuggled up with my ragdoll cat Barbie, the sun is shining, and I have a couple candles lit. I have GOOD NEWS for you today! So first off, for anyone who doesn't know me, I am one of the oldest members of this site. I was the first commenter on Mike's article titled, "Your Challenge." My real name is Erin. Anyhow, I have been away for the past 2.5 years and it pains me that I lost my way and fell back down the rabbit hole. HOWEVER, I'm back!!! And I am more determined than ever to stay on track and pick up my recovery where I left off. With all that being said, it's been 9 years (November 12th, 2010) since I quit my ADDERALL PRESCRIPTION and told my doctor I was addicted to them and to never give them to me again. THIS WAS A SMART IDEA. I haven't had a prescription for 9 years now (THANK GOD) and I have barely had any adderall since then. During my last relapse, I did manage to find a couple people that had a script and sold me a minimal amount. However, because this was so short lived and I didn't get caught up in the cycle again, it wasn't a big deal to break. I actually discovered a new drug when I got sober 5 months ago called, "Kratom." And that ended up being just as detrimental as adderall, but I was lucky enough to quit cold turkey 26 days ago (suffer through 3 weeks of intense withdrawals) and I am finally back and feeling better than ever! I was scared about the kratom war at first because I had no idea what it would feel like to be off of it after I had been on for 4 months straight (like drinking it 4-6x a day). Anyhow, I am finally over the hump of withdrawals and completely CLEAN AND SOBER. The #1 thing that is keeping me GOING STRONG right now is I think back to 9 years ago HOW MUCH I STRUGGLED WITH QUITTING ADDERALL and I remember around year 3 how I had forgotten about it. It wasn't an issue anymore because my brain had healed. I had retrained myself to function without it and I was no longer feeling like a slave to it. I was FREE!!! So I know right now the best thing I can do with my kratom addiction and the tumultuous feelings that go hand in hand with quitting is to give it time and eventually I won't even remember the euphoria and what it felt like to be hooked on it. What's crazy to me right now is that I get on here and I'm reading all of your posts about trying to quit adderall and yes even though I did take a few here and there while drinking I never got trapped back in that cycle completely. My brain has been rewired to function without it and I am free today. I no longer feel like I did back when I first quit dreaming and dying inside wishing I had adderall. For me the thing that helps me the most is cardio exercise. I am a long distance runner and triathlete. I definitely have ADD though! My thoughts race about a good 90-100 mph at any given moment so the intense cardio regimen helps burn all that energy out in a positive way. I think it's the ADD that has caused my addictions to anything and everything. I get hyper focused on stuff I enjoy and will burn it to the ground and then I'm off to the next endeavor. Put any type of alcohol or drug in front of me and that's what ends up happening with all that. This struggle of knowing how to fix myself took years and years, but I know my only cure is total abstinence from all alcohol/drugs. 2.5 years ago I was just down in the dumps about my life and decided I missed partying and thought it would be fun to resume drinking. THAT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE. Take it from me and keep trucking on in your recovery. So anyhow, here I am again and my message today is to give you HOPE! This addiction you have to adderall will END when you stop ingesting it and retrain your brain to function without it. The hard part is the time in between getting to that point, but whatever you do, don't ever give up trying to quit!!! Whenever you feel like you want to use, TELL SOMEONE ABOUT IT. You will cut your problem in half the moment you tell someone else (but tell someone in recovery!). This is what I didn't do when I relapsed. I went to Denver all by myself to see if I wanted to move there (there was this cool sober group called The Phoenix) and I got discouraged, but kept all my thoughts bottled up. Of course the addictive voice grew and grew and on my last day leaving Denver I said, "F-IT" and ordered a beer at the airport bar. From that point up until 5.5 months ago when I did a 360 on the highway, slammed into a highway wall, and got hit by a semi-truck my addictions were back and I was spiraling out of control!! I should be dead right now, but here I am and I am so grateful I have a second chance at life. These past 5.5 months have been ROUGH. But I am finally completely sober again and feeling like my old self. I read something really awesome this morning (see below) from another site I'm on and wanted to share with you all. AF = alcohol free, but we can just change that to adderall free. Have a blessed day and no matter where you're at in your quit, keep moving forward. It will get better!! It only gets worse if you go backwards. I see a lot of people here who talk about another Day 1 or the shame and disappointment in that fact that they drank (OR TOOK ADDERALL) last night or over the weekend. That was me! I was there many times and felt many of those same feelings. If you are coming here and you are posting on this site and reading the book and listening to AF podcasts, all of those things are strengthening your AF muscles and you are going to get there. We did not learn how to ride a bike or learn to play an instrument in a day. We fell off our bike and got frustrated with ourselves for messing up again but we kept at it. None of us are experts in quitting drinking so we have to practice and stay positive and most importantly forgive ourselves. The path to freedom from alcohol has many pitfalls and booby traps along the way, this time of year especially. If we stumble off the path when we encounter one of these things along the way, that is OK. The most important thing that we can do is forgive ourselves and get right back on the path.

Addforone, Have you heard of Smart Recovery? It's an alternative to AA. Might be a thought. If something isn't working for you, then keep searching until you find your answers and don't lose hope. There are many roads to recovery. You just have to find what works for you. I'd be happy to share my experience with Smart. I feel like I shouldn't be posting because I did relapse, but I have been in and out of AA since I was 14. Smart has been the program that kept me going strong starting back in 2010. I was clean for over 6 years with Smart. Message me if you want to chat. You got this!

Hi Sleepy. Sending you LOTS of good vibes. (((hugs)))) As much as I hated I coming back here to admit I relapsed, I am just so happy to have so many of you still around. What I love about Smart Recovery is that they never say you are back to day 1. I have decided I am simply starting back to where I left off from a lifetime of on/off sobriety. I counted all mine up from the time I was 18 because it seemed kind of silly starting from 14 and came up with 7 years and 5 months. This was pretty helpful because it made me realize I spent about 14.5 years drinking/using. That was a comforting thought because it made me realize that my brain is 2x as wired for drugs/alcohol as it is for sobriety if that makes sense. I think until I have spent more of my adult life sober than using, then maybe it won't be such a struggle. Anyhow, hope you get grounded back in your recovery again quickly. Feel free to message me if you need to chat! Glad you came back to the site.

Hi Quit Once, It started out on just alcohol of course. And then pretty much whatever popped up. In the end I found someone who sold me adds so yeah, I did end taking them here and there, but I was too scared to ever try to ask for a prescription since I'd admitted everything to my doctor in the past. Yes, I still love Smart. I am an advocate of Smart, This Naked Mind, and go to AA meetings here and there more or less for social support. I have 5 months today. Good to see you still on here!

Hey all. It's been a long time and I've missed you all! I'm almost 5 months totally clean and sober again here in a week. My relapse happened about 2.5 years ago and it has been quite a journey back to where I am now, but I am so grateful to be alive today and more determined than ever to stay on the right path. If you are contemplating adderall is a good idea, believe me it's not. Get clean, stay clean, and live a happy joyous free life again. It's worth it no matter how long it takes you to get there. Just don't give up and remember this path is so much easier than the alternative if you were or are an addict like me. Much love, LT

OMG, that is so awesome!!! I can't believe you live in the middle east!! Good on ya! Getting ready to post..makes me so happy to see you "old timers" still here and back again!

OMG, I can't believe you're back!!! I think I might've messaged you a few times? Just to let you know, I am back too!! So my story is a little different, but I will explain it all soon. Soooooo good to have you back and soooo glad you're okay!!! You can do this!!

33!

That's awesome!! So happy for you! Hopefully, that will make things a lot easier than previously.

How's it going Dopeymean??

That's exciting it's not wicked expensive! I thought for sure it would be. Well, I will definitely recommend it to anyone I know of looking for another alternative and possibly myself if ever needed. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It's so great to have yet another option as you said!