-
Posts
1,005 -
Joined
-
Days Won
160
Everything posted by LILTEX41
-
WOW, good for you!!! Big congratulations for you!! You got this!!!
-
YES I remember being very scared at one point because I knew how bad it was and how addicted I was, but never thought I'd ever get off of it. I along with many others on this site are living proof it can be done. Is it easy in the beginning? Not so much, but it CAN be done and it is WORTH it. You are young and have so many years ahead that could be filled with joy, health, and happiness (long term happiness) if you are willing to quit taking this drug. It is a short term fix and there will never be enough of it. It is a crutch. Break free and learn how to walk/run on your own with no artificial stimulant. That or remain imprisoned to it. The choice is yours. I hope you find freedom eventually. All the best!
-
Buckeye Football! Fall!
-
Wow! You had me going there too! lol You are killing it drug free!! That is awesome!! This post makes me think of what Joel says about a seed being planted in the dirt though. He talks about how in order for a seed to germinate and turn into a beautiful flower it has to go through the whole long drawn out process of being stuck in the dirt. He makes references to people who had to go through great times of trials and tribulations that ended up making them stronger in the long run. He talks about the dark places are where we grow and learn everything we need to become our best self yet. So if in fact you did win the lottery (as great as that would be), you'd be taking the easy route and not training yourself how to do all these amazing things drug free. I think that's something to write home about. This video is amazing! Perfect for cravings. I am saving it to watch again for sure. This is definitely playing the tape forward to the other side of the euphoric recall in which we can so easily forget! Don't want to be in that state ever again. Awful. Thanks for sharing!
-
Awe, thank you Blue Moon!! You are so kind! And so glad to hear you are doing awesome! xoxo I just found a really great article to add to the above. http://www.12keysrehab.com/blog/having-fun-without-drugs-or-alcohol
-
Hey all! I just had an epiphany and thought I'd share. This is to give hope to any of you struggling in your first year clean. So I am almost 1 year sober (meaning no booze or any other drug for that matter). This has literally been the most challenging year of my life as far as the amount of effort, time, and diligence I have had to put forth in order not to drink. I found myself really disappointed the other day and freaked out by how close I came to drinking again. For some reason I thought at a year out, this wouldn't be so hard still, but yet it is at times. I then started thinking about many of you and your struggles with adderall in the first year and how many of you feel like the mental suffering will never end and you are doomed. This gave me hope! Because I realize that I was once in your shoes and sometimes I have a hard time remembering feeling that hopeless at this point. The good news is I do NOT feel that way anymore!! Yes, it's been almost 6 years since I was hooked on adderall, but at LEAST I can tell you eventually it gets easier and then it's golden. You don't have to think about it anymore. So anyhow, this is what I am using as my hope for drinking. I think if I give it another year or so, it will start being easier and I won't have to struggle with urges near as bad. I guess when I look back and realize I spent a good 6 years hooked on adderall, booze, pot, smoking, and other drugs here and there it makes sense my brain is still somewhat conditioned to crave all these things for a good amount of time. It literally is re-wiring your brain to be conditioned to make a new response when faced with stress or difficulty. It feels like mission impossible at times. But I know if no matter what happens, I make the goal as to remain sober #1, I can't dispute that when strong urges hit. My addicted part of my brain will throw every excuse, rationalization, and reason as to why I should say, "F-it" and drink. I just keep my #1 goal in mind and remember that the rational part of me knows no matter what bullshit lies it's telling me, I know deep in my heart that being sober is the BEST CHOICE for my life. My life is a thousand times easier not dealing with all the problems induced by drugs and alcohol and if I go back, things will get incredibly screwed up again. So my message today is here is some hope my dear friends and don't give up just yet! There is a great life in store for all of us ahead! <3 LT
-
Whooooo hoooo!!!!! You go girl!!!
-
DITTO what MSB said above! That sounds tough being in all that darkness! Have you been to Nashville to visit? It really is such an awesome town. Are you able to work remotely at all? It would be cool if you could manage to stay there for a week working remotely to get a real feel for it. So glad to hear you're doing well!
-
OK, so I am having a hard time copying and pasting this, but here it is. I just want you to take a good look at everything you've said here. This is the top portion of your COST BENEFIT ANALYSIS. Below this I created the bottom half for you to fill in when you get some time if you are up for it. If you want help, I'm sure we will all be able to help you fill it in as you may not be sure what to expect of your life without it and it is probably hard to comprehend. All that being said, I am so glad you posted today as you've given me something very constructive to do in my time of need. I needed to help someone today to get my mind off of my own problems and you have helped me so there!!! Just like that...boom!! You can make a difference by coming here and sharing your problems and asking for help. I know this is not easy, but you are so young!!! And you have only been taking it for 1 year!!! You can beat this fast and quickly and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Don't allow this drug to keep you a prisoner any longer. You are so much more than that and don't allow it to destroy your relationship with a man who loves you that much in your worst condition. At least don't add one more consequence to this list!!! You don't have to reach rock bottom to stop. You can put the shovel down and just stop digging. It's that simple. Hope you got some sleep finally and hope you stay long enough with us to get your life back!! P.S - I added some stuff to your original post to try and help you sort out your thoughts and what you are saying here. I paraphrased a little bit and yes these are not your exact words, but I tried to help you better understand what you're saying and the effect this drug is having on your life. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This should look like a box diagram with 4 sections split up so you can compare Advantages to the Disadvantages side by side. I can't get it to work so just try to pretend. It should look like: ADVANTAGES TO TAKING ADDERALL / DISADVANTAGES TO TAKING ADDERALL ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ADVANTAGES OF NOT TAKING ADDERALL / DISADVANTAGES OF NOT TAKING ADDERALL ADVANTAGES TO TAKING ADDERALL Gets me out of bed (it is only doing that RIGHT NOW, but you will get out of bed just fine in the future without it.) Without it I’m nothing (I am pretty sure you are a legit human being with all kinds of untapped potential within you, but the ADDERALL has stolen all of that from you and is mind fucking you to believe this lie. Talking to people is easier (this is only true for like the first 45 mins when it kicks in. After that you are tranquilized and go into zombie mode. Are you really able to have any meaningful REAL conversations with people when your brain is hijacked by this drug?) Makes functioning possible (you mean for the first portion of the day. It does NOT make sleep possible, eating, and having a normal life. This is yet another lie it tells you to keep you hooked and trapped in the cycle) Cannot afford to not take it (feeling suicidal is better than not being able to take the pill that is causing me to feel suicidal?) Must take it in order to go to work (I used to believe that lie too. But do you know how I can do my job for 8 hours straight now, show up on time, not call off sick, not act CRAZY while I’m there, have normal healthy relationships at work, not scare people away from my insane behavior, and act like a normal human being on the job?) Must take it to pay my bills. (Again, this is another lie it is telling you. I used to believe that too. It is making it harder to pay your bills. I swear if you take away all your time and energy not sleeping, eating, obsessing on when where how you will take next pill, fighting with friends, lying, hiding, and all the behavior associated with using this drug - paying your bills is an easy task in comparison.) Cannot afford to risk losing new job (see above stuff I mentioned about work. Taking ADDERALL is going to make you risk losing your new job far over not taking it.) AND if you do happen to lose it in the short term quit, you WILL FIND ANOTHER one and figure out how to handle it without ADDERALL. I am making friends at new job and don’t want to risk losing them (yet didn’t adderall destroy a bunch of other relationships and are you not believing it will do so with these new friends?) You are not you (your adderall identity) without it. (YOU do NOT like this person you are on it. You can RECLAIM who you are again without it. DISADVANTAGES TO TAKING ADDERALL adderall has ruined me Addicted over a year now Take more than prescribed Do not have even enough to function Stay up ALL night Wake up late due to above and once again take adderall late - cycle repeats Cracks me out and makes me insane until I fall to sleep Mind races 100000 miles an hour Haven’t slept or eaten anything (your body is in starvation mode and you are losing touch with reality as it’s sleep deprived and malnourished) You are slowly killing yourself Body aches and stomach aches from no food nor sleep Start to stand up - start to BLACK OUT MY BODY IS DYING Tortured beloved boyfriend - DESTROYING the relationship ADDERALL has turned me into an ADDICT and ABUSER Already LOST countless relationships Killed my own baby from ADDERALL Killed the love of my life’s baby from ADDERALL Everyday is POINTLESS - no JOY in life due to ADDERALL I have SUICIDAL THOUGHTS from ADDERALL I am waiting till everyone gives up on me so I can end my life because of ADDERALL Causes me to act in manipulative and selfish ways in order to take it I need therapy, but I can’t get help from the therapy because I can’t admit the adderall problem or she will take it away. It will eventually cost me all my relationships, love, and life. It will destroy everything left of me. I need to go to rehab because of the adderall (not worth the financial costs or stigma) Trying to figure out how to get off of it and still function feels impossible, but today I came clean on the forum. (YES, THIS IS A HUGE STEP AND ONE THAT CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE. GOOD JOB!!!!) Taking adderall and my addiction to it makes me feel like I don’t deserve my boyfriend and even further de-motivates me to try and prove that I do (because ADDERALL is making me feel THIS HOPELESS). ADDERALL makes me so worn out from all the effort I have to do between taking it and trying to have a relationship that I am to the point of giving up the relationship for the adderall because ADDERALL is defeating me. ADDERALL already defeated me with my other friends because it was too hard to have both friends and adderall. It won. ADDERALL made me LOSE WHO I TRULY AM. I am it’s prisoner. ADDERALL is causing me to lose complete touch with reality and question my own sanity at this point. I keep telling myself I NEED ADDERALL - it’s ALL I NEED (even though it’s doing all these HORRIBLE things to my life). I am SO TRAPPED in my mind by ADDERALL that I BELIEVE I am HOPELESS without it. I will DIE without it OR I will die from taking it. (this is an IRRATIONAL BELIEF - you will NOT DIE from not taking it. You will struggle in the short term for awhile and then you will be HEALED). I am CRAZY, MISERABLE and CAN’T function due to taking ADDERALL. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ADVANTAGES OF NOT TAKING ADDERALL / DISADVANTAGES OF NOT TAKING ADDERALL
-
When is depression/anxiety not related to withdrawl
LILTEX41 replied to PbTheDude's topic in General Discussion
This is just simply a random post from who knows if even truly a reliable source, but I believe it is most likely true. I found it when doing a search for suicidal thoughts and adderall and stumbled upon this link. Anyhow, this is most likely why you or anyone feels depressed for that matter once quitting. I would hold off on any SSRI for a good amount of time if at all possible. It's going to take some time for your brain to heal, but it will. Hope this helps. https://www.reddit.com/r/Drugs/comments/1f12ls/suicidal_thoughts_and_adderall/ [–]smoothaspaneer 3 points 3 years ago Im a med student and we have learned a little about this. Ill see if i can try and explain this. Adderall actually has been used as a form of antidepressant especially in acute cases of depression but one of the side effects of adderall is depression once stopped. Basically adderall helps with neurotransmitters like norepinephrine staying in the synapses of your brain. giving the exciting stimulation. What occurs after extended use is receptor desensitization of the receptors that respond to these neurotransmitters. Which essentially can cause anhydonia or lack of interest in things aka depression. sorry if that doesnt make too much sense. In the middle of studying and just trying to help out -
Bones, It sounds like you are going through a lot. If you go back and read through your post, I think you'll see how it (she) is all over the place. It doesn't sound like there is any stability in this situation and I don't see how any future stability is possible if she continues this cycle with these pills. What do you want to see come of this? Does she want to get off this stuff or is she adamant that she will continue on as is?
-
Thought I had it- I was wrong
LILTEX41 replied to TodayDeterminesTomorrow's topic in Tell your story
How's it going TDT?? Are you doing okay? -
2 yrs clean, but now with heart problems. Sad and in need of support
LILTEX41 replied to clp0001's topic in Tell your story
Omg, that would be an awesome book!! The before and after story. You should totally do that! But I hear you about just taking walks and doing the dishes. Not an easy process to go through by any means, but once you get over the hump it truly gets better and better. So glad to hear you are going to go back to school and do something so meaningful for others. I think that will be amazing. That's so sweet of you to say that about my posts. It's hard to know sometimes if what you say on here reaches other people or not as so many come and go, but it is always so rewarding to hear if anything I've written has actually helped someone else. I often wonder if I send people the opposite direction by saying the wrong thing somehow, but for the most part I feel like it's been good. It's weird how much this site has become like my little home over the years and it's been amazing to watch people get clean and get better. I worry when people drift away though. But yeah, I will definitely take your idea into consideration. I think it's just a matter of getting the ball rolling and then momentum will come. There are a lot of people who need help with this and it's not an easy solution, but we are living proof it can be done so that just along in itself should at least let others know it possible to get through it. Anyhow, hope your day is going well and have a good night! -
Just goes to show how powerful this drug can be. Amazing he admitted that on air for the world to know. I pray your daughter never takes it!!
-
2 yrs clean, but now with heart problems. Sad and in need of support
LILTEX41 replied to clp0001's topic in Tell your story
Awe, I am so glad I could help!! Thank you!! Well, my first place I come to help others is this site. I believe that helping others is honestly the biggest key to my recovery. I look at a lot of my friends with long term sobriety even (like 15 years or more) and I see how much they helped others. I think this is crucial to staying clean. Second, I am now a facilitator for Smart Recovery. Another woman and myself started a face to face meeting in town and that has been going really well. Before we started that meeting, I used to do a lot of online meetings with Smart through their website. I just tried to help others during the meetings that were struggling. And secretly, I've been wanting to write a book for a long time and I'm hoping to do that this year. I just need to get focused and get on it. After seeing the Today show clip last week, I realized there are a lot of people out there who need help so I think it's time. So glad you are feeling a little better and please keep us posted as to what you find out from the docs about your condition. Praying for the best!! -
Thought I had it- I was wrong
LILTEX41 replied to TodayDeterminesTomorrow's topic in Tell your story
Hi TDT, What I hear you saying is that this pill has a strong hold on you and right now it's got you good. You got urges 6 weeks ago and allowed the addictive voice to convince you back into it by rationalizing moderation would work. Tonight it sounds like you are in trouble as the violation effect has taken place and you've binged on a 100mgs. Yes, I agree. I would be scared too. You know the consequences of taking that much are not going to be good. You're waiting for the rest of your script and ambivalent about how to proceed. I think this is where you need to play the tape forward. What is going to happen as a result of continuing this binge? What will your life be like in another month, 3 months, 6 months, or even a year from now? Are you prepared to deal with the consequences of taking all this speed once again (hallucinations, hearing voices, isolation, social withdrawal, falling back into the addiction, and God knows what else) OR do you want to end this crap now and for good?? So what you slipped up and lapsed. It happens. It's a flat tire. Fix it and move forward in recovery. That is your other option and I can promise you that is a very safe option. There won't be any trauma involved, psychosis, psych ward trips, or falling off the deep end. Imagine yourself taking the script back to the pharmacist and saying no, I made a mistake. I don't need this and walking out of there with your head held high. You don't have to let this take you back to square one. You just pick up right where you left off. There is a good life for you ahead if you will set yourself free. The decision is yours. You are stronger than you think. You have everything within you to get through life without this drug. It is your choice and it boils down to what you want in your future. I am with you and I am rooting for you. You have the strength. Do not give up. -
2 yrs clean, but now with heart problems. Sad and in need of support
LILTEX41 replied to clp0001's topic in Tell your story
Hi CLP0001, First off, here is a big ((((hug)))) for you this morning. I can almost feel your pain as I know what it's like to trust the medical community only to have it backfire on you. I was prescribed super potent pills once which landed me in the emergency room, stranded in Houston, hallucinating like crazy, got a ride with a stranger who thought I was a hooker and could've raped and killed me. I almost died all thanks to trusting my doctor, pharmacy, and pharmaceutical company. They messed up and I suffered the consequences of their errors. It's not a good feeling, but I think holding onto anger over the situation didn't help me heal in any way. It just kept me stuck. I signed up to join the lawsuit http://www.aboutlawsuits.com/generic-adderall-recall-barr-dextroamphetamine-amphetamine-5459/, but never heard anything. I think it will be a long time before this battle is won, but until then we have to make peace with what has happened and not allow it to overtake us - otherwise they win. Look at how far you come!!!! 2 years is AMAZING!!!! You are doing so awesome and please whatever you do, do not allow this to send you backwards into depression. You're just going to have to stay positive!! Imagine if you didn't stop 2 years ago. You might not even be here today, you know??? 160mgs is insane. BUT you're heart is in recovery mode. MAYBE it is actually getting better this whole time and it will only keep getting better. Maybe 2 years ago when you stopped you were nearly of the verge of a heart attack. Even though they just now found this...I bet it is at least nowhere near as bad of shape as 2 years ago. You gotta keep reminding yourself it COULD be worse and that whatever happens going forward you CAN HANDLE IT. You have been through too much and worked too hard to give up now and let this depression defeat you!! AND you don't know for sure if you will need medication, transplant, and all that stuff. Just keep doing what you are doing and HEALING. Let go of that anger and forgive the psychiatrist for being incompetent. He was trying to help, but made a mistake. He is human and we as humans make errors. The more you can forgive and let go of these toxic negative emotions, you will begin to feel better. I'm not saying you shouldn't take action though against the psychiatrist. I think your case is EXTREMELY important and something needs to be done. If we can help other people and take action against this drug in some way, that would help. I have something I have been meaning to do for a long time and hoping to do it this year. Coming to this website and just even sharing your story with others could help a lot. Think of all the people you could help. Your story is powerful and it is possibly just what another person might need to hear to finally break from from this drug. You have been blessed with the gift to help others so they don't have to go through what you're going through. Some of us addicted to this drug are gone and will never get that chance. You still have a chance to live a good life and you will get the help you need to fix this condition. You could still be addicted, struggling, and not even aware you're heart is in danger. All is not lost here. You got this. Also, I love that you are going to school for Buddhist psychology!! That is great!!! I think this will so extremely helpful as you go through this challenge to be absorbing the buddhist teachings. Maybe it was all meant to be. Just remember you have a gift now and there are other people who will greatly benefit from what you have to share. Take what happened and turn it into something positive. You will get through this. We are here to help you! ((Hugs)) -
Marathon #4 - Check
-
12 hours till go time!!! Excited!
-
That is amazing!! Congratulations!!
-
2 days until the Columbus Marathon!!!
-
Tough situation, looking for advice and opinions please
LILTEX41 replied to SeanW's topic in General Discussion
Great ideas House! -
Awesome! Tell us more!!
-
Tough situation, looking for advice and opinions please
LILTEX41 replied to SeanW's topic in General Discussion
I think it depends on how bad you want it. You are STRONGER than you think. If you quit with bound DETERMINATION to stay off of it and move forward, then you will prevail. It's not going to be easy, but you CAN do it! It all just comes down to deciding how much longer you want to stay chained up to this drug. The longer you take it the harder it will be to get off of it. IF I could go back in time, I would've quit the first time for good and never started again. All those years I spent chained to it were just prolonging my suffering and making the quit harder. Maybe taper down slowly until winter break and then sleep that week and start fresh come the 1st of the year. Just an idea. You got this! You're lucky it's only been 1 year. Still not easy, but totally doable. Think of it like this. Just get through your final year of school without it and then when you start working you won't be a total mess. You'll be used to being clean by then and starting off your career on a good foot is possibly more important than the last year of school. You want to be ready tackle your job without this crap in the way to hinder you in any way OR make you feel like you can't function without it and stay hooked on it during your career. Welcome to the site! -
Found a good link..check out the med students post about the depression/anhedonia post adderall. https://www.reddit.com/r/Drugs/comments/1f12ls/suicidal_thoughts_and_adderall/