LILTEX41

Beherenow, How are you doing? I hope you are holding strong. I want you to know your post actually helped me last night because I've been having killer cravings to drink again. I haven't, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. I could feel your pain in this post and made me feel relieved in a way knowing that this is just part of recovery we all go through. It helped me to be able to be there for you and I guess I hope someone new will pop up today that maybe you could help. That's always been one of the magic tickets for me when I am in a bad place. But another trick is playing the tape forward. Let's do this together! Alcohol Cravings Me: Imagine the first beer or mixed drink. Ahhhhh...great. Then let's think back to ordering the 2nd. And then the 3rd and so on. Recall the sick feeling from being hammered by the end of the night and then all the cravings that pop up for pot and speed. Recall how the ability to not give into those cravings gets weaker and suddenly I am stoned and/or high on speed. Imagine how many more drinks it will take to come down now. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night with a blazing headache, dehydrated, and wanting to puke. Imagine the next day how I am exhausted, do not exercise, and waste the entire day being hungover along with feeling depressed out of my mind..that is until I take the next drink and then the cycle repeats itself all over and I am once again trapped in this addiction that supersedes everything else in life I care about and I have no other goals other than constantly trying to feed my addiction to get high. Adderall Cravings Imagine the euphoria of calling the doctor and finding out my prescription is ready. Imagine the excitement, racing heart, and adrenaline coursing through my veins to go get the next batch of pills. Imagine getting to the grocery store pharmacy to pick them up and running to the bathroom first because my brain has already signaled to my body speed is coming and my body is reacting without even taking a pill!!! Get pills, take a pill at the grocery store because I am so excited. Within 30 minutes I am sweating excessively and talking 100 miles a minute. I am flying around the apartment now cleaning and working excessively. Go outside and smoke a cigarette (gag). Drink 30 gallons of water to combat excessive thirst. 3-4 hours later time to take another pill. Repeat process. 48 hours later. The apartment is so fucking clean I could lick the bathroom wall and not be grossed out. Everything is in perfect order from my bills, to my sock drawer, to old pictures now perfectly organized in their photo album by year, time, date etc. I am EXHAUSTED. I feel disgusting. I am moody as fuck. I am depleted of every ounce of energy as I haven't slept in 48 hours. But I now have to go to work. I FINALLY got all my chores done, but it's too late to sleep. I take a shower, pop another pill. I go to work. At work people talk to me and I SNAP on them. I am paranoid, jittery, and my jaw hurts from clenching it so fucking hard. I am sweaty and tired as fuck. I have smoked 2-3 packs of cigarettes in 2 days. I feel absolutely FUCKING HORRIBLE. I haven't eaten really at all besides coffee drinks and a few bites here and there. On the way home that night I stop and get alcohol. I drink 6 beers and suddenly wide awake again. I can't come down. I smoke pot. I FINALLY fall to sleep for like 3 hours. I wake up feeling like DEATH. But guess what? It's time to pop another adderall and start the cycle all over again. It is now 3 weeks later and my body is like a shriveled up 80 year old woman's body. I have smoked 15 or more packs of cigarettes. Drank cases of beer and filled my lungs with weed. I feel SICK. I am out of adderall. I spend the next week asleep at my desk at work. I cannot keep my eyes open on the job. My apartment becomes a destroyed mess. I go into a zombie mode. I would die to get some adderall. A week goes by...my next prescription is ready. Cycle repeats. Play the tape forward without adderall: I go to sleep at 10pm. I wake up at 5 or 6. I run 6 miles outdoors and do some speedwork. I love being one with nature. I listen to music and I get a natural high from running. My heart is pounding and it feels fucking awesome. I lift weights. I get stronger. I take a shower and I am singing to the cat and excited to start my day. Drink a nice healthy power bowl smoothie. Feel awesome. Feel clean, an abundance of energy, and hopeful about my future. Depression is a thing of the past. I get SO MUCH accomplished in my day because I am clear headed, focused, and I feel well. I have everything I could possibly need going for me to do whatever I want in life. I love having amazing health and feeling good. I love getting faster, stronger, and not being sick and ill like I used to in my using days. Life is GOOD. But sometimes I forget all of this when I get cravings for drugs and alcohol because I am only obsessing about the first 10 minutes of euphoria I used to feel. SO I GO BACK and play these tapes all the way through. And here we are now ONCE AGAIN EXCITED TO BE CLEAN AND NOT HAVE TO LIVE A LIFE OF HELL!!! ***About to go run a half marathon now. THANKFUL I did not give into urges and excited to go do this! You got this girl!

IF you take that pill, I can guarantee you that it is going to ignite that old neural pathway fast and furious. You say you are not worried about making it a habit again, but I bet that's along the lines of something you thought when you first started the drug. That is the primitive part of your brain speaking to you right now coming up with any kind of excuse or lie to get you to take it. That part of your brain wants adderall and if you feed it, it's going to want more. HOWEVER, if you use the prefrontal cortex of your brain and do not give into taking that pill you will defeat the monster in your head. Separate yourself from the urge. Flush that pill immediately. You do not want to give up 3.5 years and travel back down that path. I know how long and hard you have fought to get to where you are now. You are playing with fire by keeping it and allowing the addicted part of your brain to salivate and recall all of the euphoria it brought at one time or another. Once it's gone you are back in control and have squashed that fucker in your head!!!

PLAY THE TAPE FORWARD - writing more...hold on.

Love after adderall is so much better. You can actually be present and real in a relationship. You are not living in the constant fear or guilt of your addiction. On adderall, your moods are up and down non-stop. It's hard to give love and be loved when you are an emotional train wreck all the time. Sounds like you're in a bad situation, Frank. I feel for you. But I can guarantee you there is love after adderall and don't lose hope. Maybe finding possible further solutions for the situation could help. A way to keep your child safe without having to be stuck in a relationship with someone you are not in love with. I'm sure there has to be a way. You don't have to stay miserable indefinitely.

So true about finding out what food makes your body feel best. Glad to hear you are feeling better!

It's just a slip. Don't let it derail you!!! Get back on the road to recovery ASAP and hang on for dear life. My friend, know that it was not you who failed. Your "animal brain aka lower brain" simply took over your "prefrontal cortex aka logical brain" and won the battle for a tiny bit of time. As I can tell from your post, you are now back in control and you don't have to let it win again. Play the tape forward and back if you continue to use adderall. First, think back to your previous using days and imagine all of that stuff happening once again if you continue taking it. Visualize the rest of your life addicted to this drug and how that will make you feel. Next, play the tape forward quitting right now and resuming your recovery. Visualize all that you can and will achieve. I know you can do this!! You came back to the site and posted right away. You know the goal and you didn't have a full fledged relapse. You are doing better than ever as your slips are no longer sucking you back all the way down to the bottomless pit of suffering and despair. So glad you are back and please stay with us! Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way! Hugs!

Good luck Frank!!! You are strong!!! You got this!!

Me too!!! Now I only get them maybe once a year, but oddly enough they still come back from time to time. They have always scared the crap out of me!

So weird you posted this today! I woke up this morning really excited about the fact that it is June 1st, 2016. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of a relationship that did not work out recently. It dawned on me that I have screwed up my past two summers in a row by jumping into relationships too fast when my original goal of moving back to Ohio 2 years ago to make a ton of new friends and get involved in as many things as possible. I am excited now because I feel today of all days is the hallmark of a new season in my life. It is time to start the next chapter and I am going to take my time dating around and just having fun! I do not want to get all caught up in something too fast and be up and down all summer long. It's time to just enjoy life and making new friends. So for me, my summer is going to be filled with hanging out with old friends, new friends, ton of races lined up, triathlon training group, marathon training group, field hockey club team, smart recovery, church, vacations, work, dates, pool time, holidays, family time, and just being outdoors as much as possible. Oh and hoping to write a book whenever I find an extra minute to spare. Very excited summer time is here and a new season is under way! What does it mean to you, Z?

Happy again

Awesome Z!!!!! Hope things are getting better!!

Love this!!! You just made me so big. I am so happy for you!! Congrats!!!

Let It Be

So great!!! Happy for you!!!! Congrats on 2 years!!!!!!

Hi all, Found a good video just now explaining the process of addiction in the brain. Video shows effects of cocaine and methamphetamine. I looked it up and amphetamines do the same thing as methamphetamine in how it hijacks the natural process of pleasure/reward seeking in the brain. I think everyone needs to watch this, especially if you are just getting clean. Do not beat yourself up if you feel down in the dumps and like crap for the first year off this drug. As you can see in this video, adderall screws up the natural way in which are brain produces dopamine by flooding the synapse with excess dopamine and preventing reabsorption of dopamine back into the presynaptic terminal. I did not understand this process until just now and thought I should share it in case others of you were not aware. This is good to know as to what adderall is actually doing to our brains and it makes perfect sense as to why we feel awful when trying to get off of it in the beginning. I still can't believe they prescribe this crap to us like cotton candy. Makes me sick. Anyhow, through my own experience I can tell you eventually the brain gets rewired after you are clean long enough. You will find pleasure again in the simple things in life. Just don't be so hard on yourself if you're not there yet. It is a S-L-O-W process. And for me it was only after just even having clarity at times when I'd suddenly realize, "Wow, I haven't even thought about wanting adderall for months now. Holy shit. Sweet." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VUlKP4LDyQ#t=529.438038192 Also, it's kind of funny, but I looked up ways to increase dopamine and found this article on wikipedia. http://www.wikihow.com/Increase-Dopamine Funny how it mentions you can get on ADHD meds, but then it gives a warning at the very end and says: Warnings Many opioids, methamphetamine and other illegal drugs can increase dopamine release. However, these drugs come with a marked risk for addiction, cause a loss of dopamine by releasing more than is produced, and they can disrupt the way that your body naturally produces dopamine. You can end up feeling depleted, hungry, depressed and even suicidal after taking opioids or meth. You're disrupting your chemical balance--it's like giving yourself a mental illness. So don't do it. [11] Anyhow, I just wanted to post all of this so that you all can stop beating yourself up if you have been about not seeing magic rays of sunshine and rainbows in early recovery. Just know you are not weak and there is nothing wrong with you other than you took a drug that screwed up your natural brain's wiring. Time will reverse the damage and you can function again normally, but it's going to take some time to get back to that. Also, I've been feeling really great living off my plant based diet. I've been trying a lot of nutritional supplements like maca powder, camu camu, and other stuff that has been great. I can't stress enough the importance of plant foods. If you can try to incorporate as many of them as possible in your diet, I think you'll start feeling remarkably better and have lots more energy. Eat the rainbow of fruits and veggies and try to stay away from all the processed and refined crap. It makes a world of difference. Cheers to your recovery wherever you may be upon your journey. I am with you in spirit and sending positive energy your way!

Hey little Alice, Welcome to the site! Glad you're here! So the first thought that comes to my mind after reading your post is the lies you have been fed about this drug. We all have. We are sold on this illogical idea that we are not capable or we are somehow handicapped in a way that we need speed in order to succeed in life. I swear on my life this is the biggest hoax of crap big business (pill manufacturer's) aim to get us hooked. The truth is we are born with a beautiful body, mind, and soul that does NOT need drugs to function. We are capable of so many things in this life and it is only when we get hooked on these chemicals that all our dreams go up in smoke. We lose the natural born capacity we have and begin to believe we are not functional without this drug (SPEED). YES, at first it SUCKS getting clean from adderall. It's a real bitch. Your brain craves it so bad and you feel exactly like you stated above. How the hell will I ever do anything without it??? But I PROMISE you, you can and will. I think the first place to begin is to start seeing this drug for what it is - an addictive TOXIC POISON. Once you can stop believing that it is helping you and start seeing it as something that has stunted you and prevented you from being your most authentic self, you will begin to desire to change. It sounds like you are getting closer to that and that's good!! Yes, it is scary to imagine your life without it, but think of it as the most beautiful and rewarding experience of your life ahead. Much like a caterpillar going through metamorphosis into a butterfly. That is what you will get back to going through this process and it is worth it!! The next thing I'd do is to draw up a quit plan. Make a strategy, call the doctor, and tell everyone you can you're quitting and ask for support. Figure out if you want to taper or go cold turkey. Come to this site and share your experience. There is a lot of hope here. I wish you the best and just know you can do this!!

You are doing awesome!!! Great job!! You said, "I don't know what it is about this drug that pulls me back, but it does." Here is my answer. Adderall is a HIGHLY ADDICTIVE drug. Do not blame yourself for being weak to this poisonous crap. You are a human that has infinite potential and the longer you resist that little bird (devil) in your ear telling you it's good for you or it will help you, then it will get easier and easier. But right now your brain is literally still craving that crap and just know it's not your fault. My favorite tool to combat urges is called, "Playing the tape." When you want to use think back to the last time you used and what happened. Start from the beginning and work it all out to the end (like you did above). Then play the tape forward and imagine the whole scenario out if you don't act on the urge. Get specific and visualize how great it will feel and what you will do/how you will reward yourself for not acting on it. Because like you said, that little bird is going to come back and tweet in your ear. Be prepared for it and have a prevention plan in place for when it does. Thank you for sharing your victory with all of us!

OVERJOYED!!!! I did it. I facilitated my first Smart Recovery meeting and it went so well. It's only been 3 years since I did the training, moved 1200 miles back home, bought a condo, found a meeting relapsed on alcohol for 6 months, got 6 months clean time back (mandatory time to be a facilitator) and now finally facilitated my first meeting. Wow, it so rewarding. Feels great to check another item of the bucket list and finally be able to give back. Joy!

That is AWESOME!!!! Congratulations!!! Love hearing success stories!! Yay!!!!

Facilitating (my first face to face Smart Meeting on Monday).

Half Marathon in 7 hours!! Anxious!

Excited!

Hi Kam, Welcome to the site! So you didn't mention if you were planning on quitting when you ran out 3 weeks early. It doesn't sound like you really ever made a clear cut decision that you wanted to stop. I think it was great that you had 3 weeks off though because it gave you enough clarity, time, and space to see that life on adderall is jacked up and life without it can be really good again. So this is kind of the deal with recovery. You go through a series of stages (pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and termination) see this link for better explanation: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Articles_and_Essays/Stages_of_Change/understanding_stages_of_change.htmI It sounds like you are in the contemplation stage now so the next stage would be preparation where you launch an all out strategy as to how you are going to quit. This might include telling the doctor you are hooked and then devising whether or not a taper or cold turkey plan is better. Then I'd reach out to family/friends for support along with finding any support outlets necessary to help provide you with some tools along the way. I found Smart Recovery to be very helpful, but there are other programs out there. You just have to do some research and find something that works best for you. Once you have a plan mapped out, then dive on in and quit. Come here to share how you're doing and you'll find a lot of support. I really hope the best for you and just know you can beat this!

You got this. You're on the right track!

5 mile run w/ hills - Feeling strong again!