LILTEX41

Doge, I feel like I do this too sometimes and I hope nobody ever feels like I'm trying to be narcissistic. I have never thought of you like that just so know! In fact, I think this is a beautiful thing that we are so open about what this drug did to us personally. I have never been one that liked getting advice unless I specifically asked for it. What usually works for me is hearing someone else's story and what worked for them and then trying out what they did. That's what's so great about this place is that we don't have any structure or group guidelines. We just skim over all the stories from everyone and can pick and choose things we hear from others that maybe sound like they could work for us. And as we learn more and more from one another, we all benefit and grow stronger as a whole thereby united in our effort to stay clean. Please don't ever doubt your ability to be helpful on this site! You never know when what you have to say might be exactly what someone else needed to hear in order to recover. I think about that one guy who was all star football player in high school and like 4.0 student and then he got on adderall and later committed suicide. This drug is crazy. You never know when you might be saving a life so by all means talk it out!

Maybe once he sees you in a month or so and sees the non-medicated side of you, things will change. Right now all he has seen is the person you've been on this drug. I was definitely not myself on adderall. I was bouncing off the walls talking a mile a minute whenever I just took it to aggressive, pissed off and hostile when I'd been up for hours on end. Then I'd be a comatose slug for days after running out of pills. Oh and very robotic and isolated during the middle of the pack. Definitely not who I am sober!! It will get better someday. Just give it time.

Awe, that puppy is adorable!! Omg!! Get some sleep girl!! I did 11 miles this morning, not to make anyone feel lazy or anything.

Got 5 miles in today! Back on it!

So glad to hear it's working for you! Sounds like it's going well and that's all the counts. Keep on truckin!

Hi Philip, Welcome to the site! Congrats on 8 days!! That'll be cool if you start your 30's off adderall free. Glad you are here with us!

LOL, I love it!!!! I had a bad day for most of today, but finally ending on a good note. I haven't exercised in 3 days, but tomorrow I am back at it. And yes, I have dirty dishes in the sink I need to clean tonight too. Ha ha. Yes, let's see that puppy!! Thanks for posting this. This is so critical that people understand it's okay to feel like crap sometimes. I have those days on many occasions and I need to get better at sharing when I feel down. It's normal!

I thought this video was so fascinating. It was insane when he talks about the voices of schizophrenic patients. The reason it caught my attention is because when I went through my 1st drug induced psychosis, that is EXACTLY what it felt like. I literally saw a devil's head on the door of my hotel room and there were people (voices) taunting me like CRAZY. Looking back at it now, I can definitely believe that evil spirits had gotten a foothold on me and were out to see my destruction. They were literally taunting me to come out of the room and come get them. I thought they had guns, I thought there were rats, snakes, and crap in my bed and someone had broken into my room. It was INSANE. Anyhow, I just had to share. And about the drugs making you happy, just think of it as the evil addictive voice trying to tempt you back into taking them again to destroy you. It's a lie (when we have the thought the pills make us happy) they tell us to have us back in their control. I think of them like the wolf in little red riding hood, dressed in disguise. Freaky stuff!!

So I have been thinking about this all morning. I work from home and have my laptop next to my work computer all day, hence why I can get on this site so much and ramble on and on. One of the things I was thinking about why therapy could be good was from what I've learned about cognitive behavioral therapy. I learned mostly about this from Smart Recovery. I know a lot of therapists work with patients to help change thinking processes from unhelpful to more helpful thoughts. The tricky part for me has been to catch myself in them though! So the idea is that when you are having unhelpful thoughts, you can identify them and then ask basic questions like, is this true, is it helpful, it there any proof to support this unhelpful idea, is it helping me to get what I want, and what are the consequences of holding on to this belief? Once you acknowledge that you're having these beliefs, you can work to change the original belief into something more helpful. For example, "I suck at meeting new people. I have always been shy and I'll never be able to have fun without being buzzed/high on drugs/alcohol." The consequence to thinking this thought would be depression and more anxiety about meeting new people. That's no fun and that sucks. So I'd go back and tell myself, "Wait a minute. That's not true! I'd reflect on all the times I did meet new people, had fun, and actually showed little shyness. I'd realize i was focusing on a one time event when I felt shy and catastrophizing it. Then I'd feel better. Again, though this is just one example. It takes practice, but the more you can correct yourself having crappy thoughts and then work at revamping them, you can start to feel better. I found another pretty awesome theory on this topic this morning actually. It's a bit out there, but it's along the same principals. This guy has a whole series of videos on youtube about spiritual stuff. I've been watching them non-stop. I can't get enough! But this video talks about how when these thoughts come in they are actually evil thoughts and they come from hell. All good thoughts come from God/heaven. He's says if we can look at our thoughts like the buddhist teach in mediation as thought bubbles and simply choose to dismiss the evil thoughts by saying, "that's a lie" and choose to hold on to the good thoughts then we can really start to grow. I think that's pretty cool and a good way to look at it. I am of course nowhere near the great of explaining all of it. If you have time, watch the video. It's pretty good stuff! It's called, "How to free your mind from heaven and hell."

Yep, agreed about the healthcare system!! A few years ago I was lucky enough to have some kind of insurance plan that actually allowed me to see a therapist with a copay of $35 per session. Not in today's world though. It's pretty crappy!!

Whooo hooooo Always and Doge!!! Excellent!!! Yes, it is the BEST medicine! I took tonight off after going non-stop for the past month and had wings and ice cream, lol. Tomorrow, I'm back on it!! Can't wait!

Ok, well it hasn't been that long since you've been off of them yet. Just give it time and patience. I know it's hard, but it will slowly get better. I don't think I'll ever escape urges and cravings 100% and if I told myself to expect that, then I'd be setting myself up for failure. What I have noticed, is they are nowhere near as strong as they used to be. The longer I'm clean, the easier it's gotten. I have an older friend who is in his 60's and has been sober for I think about 20 years now. He says he still has the occasional thought that a drink would be nice. I was pretty shocked when he told me that, but it made me feel better in a way to know that it's just part of the process. Once we have been addicted to something, it's totally normal to have triggers, flashbacks, and cravings even after years of abstaining. But that's simply all they are - urges. As long as we don't act on them, we have nothing to worry about. Also, you are being so hard on yourself!!! Stop that right now!! You are doing great!! Quitting the pills is just the first step of the process. It's going to take some time to find a new way of life and adapt. Just be gentle and kind to yourself. The fact that you are here trying to stay off this crap is awesome!! You're right, so many addicts never even get this far. They end up having tragic things happen to them like losing their families, jobs, accidents, dui's, seriously hurt someone else, destroy relationships, end up in jail, psych ward, or commit suicide. None of this is easy. It's seriously the hardest thing I've ever done at times. There have been so many times when I wanted to use again. I've gone through some really low points even in sobriety. It's not always rainbows shooting out of our ass and magic rays of sunshine, lol. I try to convey a very positive message of hope on this site, and usually I am pretty happy most days, but not ALWAYS. It's life. There will be good and bad days. But as long as I stay clean, keep doing positive things that are good for myself, and helping others, things tend to be pretty damn good. At least on this road there is a bright future ahead for things to keep getting better. Just try to stop beating yourself up, ok? You're doing great. Oh, and if you think you need more help, what about a therapist possibly? They might be able to help you in other ways us recovering buddies can't.

I think the longer you're clean it will definitely get easier. How long have you been off adderall and Oxy?

Hi Frank! Yeah, sorry to hear about the crappy meeting, but don't let it get you down! Is there anything that was useful? Like what about the fact people there had been clean for 29 years? Maybe if anything, hope if those people can stay clean, surely you can too? Ok, so what I am hearing out of your post is that you are miserable without oxy. You feel like you will never be happy without it. I've heard this explained as the schizophrenia of the trap. On one hand your brain knows these drugs are awful for you and will destroy your life, make you addicted, and keep you miserable. On the other hand, you are miserable without the drugs and feel deprived by not taking them. This doesn't lead to much of a great outcome. What the theory goes on to explain is that in order to beat this schizophrenia, you have to change your perception of the illusion that the drug is providing you with any sense of REAL happiness. Once you can view and see the drugs for what they are - toxic addictive substances that are destroying your life and leaving you trapped, poisoned, and miserable then you will stop even desiring the drug and you will be free. I thought maybe this seemed a little crazy of a concept so I even decided to a test trial the other night. The book goes on to say when we think about the happiest times of our lives, what was going on? Was it the alcohol (you can substitute oxy here) that was making us so happy or was it possibly the occasion? Was it the people we were with and the enjoyment we were having during the celebration or was it the alcohol that was making us so happy? The girl went on to do a test experiment at home all by herself with no tv, music, people, or any form of entertainment. She drank, got drunk, and passed out. She concluded that the alcohol definitely did not make her feel happy and she woke up feeling like shit. I thought about this a lot because this has been a giant struggle of me for a long time. I have struggled with alcohol since I was 13. I got in trouble right from the start and was mandated from my parents to stop. I thought it was unfair so I'd have all these periods of on/off sobriety. I'd be sober for a few months, but then all my friends would be partying and I'd want to go, so I'd go and end up drinking and get hammered and then in trouble again. Such a mess. Anyhow, point is I always felt like I was missing out. I felt deprived and miserable that everyone else seemed to be able to handle partying and for some reason I always got too messed up and did something stupid. However, after I read this book everything has changed for me. I just don't feel that way anymore. Let me explain further. So, I read some more and found another girl who quit drinking with this easy way approach. She said she still goes out till 2am dead sober, sips on tonic with lime, and has a blast. That gave me hope. I read the book more. I thought about what it was that I was missing from no longer drinking. What dawned on me, is that it wasn't the alcohol, it was going out at night with friends to fancy places, getting dressed up, listening to live music, laughing, dancing, and just having fun!! I had been a little too unsure of my recovery for a long time to allow myself to do these things. I thought it would mean danger and I would end up relapsing. However, I did it the other night and it was great. I had a freaking Odouls, lol. But it worked! Nobody even noticed what I was drinking and it just looked like I was drinking with everyone else. The guy next to me at one point reeked of tequila, was slurring his words, and spit kept flying out. Other people got up and were acting stupid and dancing. People were talking, but really couldn't hear each other and it was pretty amusing to watch all of this with absolute clarity through sober eyes for once. I realized that I am not missing a damn thing by no longer getting intoxicated and it is so freaking unattractive. I still had fun though! My friends and I laughed, told jokes, sang, and I just enjoyed hanging out being out again at night all dressed up. I went to bed and woke up without a hangover. It was awesome. So I don't know if you'll be able to take any of this and find it useful, but I was hoping it might help. Oh and one more point! I know for me whenever I feel unhappy, I have to ask myself what is going on in my life that is causing me to feel this way. Usually, any sort of unhappiness is what I call situational depression. Like when I broke up with my boyfriend, I was DOWN in the dumps. It felt like my happiness was suctioned right out of me and I was left depleted with nothing. Or there have been times with work and I've considered if I need to get another job. Like one that would allow me to be around people everyday. Or even the whole, "I miss going out at night with friends to parties" thing. That was a HUGE discovery for me this past week. Now that I've solved it and realized I CAN actually still go out with friends, get dressed up, and have fun without getting wasted I am high on life because I know I don't HAVE to get wasted to have fun anymore. What a joy and relief that's been to know I never HAVE to drink or do drugs again and all the worry/fear that comes along with addiction. I can live the rest of my life happy, joyous, and free knowing if I keep doing the next right thing, everything will fall in place. I just think you need to get to the root of your unhappiness and see what it actually is that is causing you to feel that way and then solve those problems. The pills don't make you genuinely happy. That is an artificial high you are missing. To me, genuine happiness is loving other people, laughing, having fun, feeling good about yourself and pursuits, having things you love to do, giving, helping others, and just feeling grateful to be alive and enjoying the beauties of life in this world. Not taking anything for granted and seeing all the miracles of life whenever you can. They are all around you all the time! The fact that you've come this far and came here to post the problem you were having in sobriety before picking up adderall or oxy again is a miracle. The people on this site that come here and get better are miracles. Just keep searching and you will find more and more of them. Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you find all the answers you need!!

Oh good, idea!! Like tracking how many miles we've done in total? That sounds fun!! Sounds like your dream is trying to tell you something. 8 miles done today!

Wow, this is a great new perspective! You absolutely hit the nail on the head. I worry sometimes when I see people posting about trying all these supplements and such as a means to replace the adderall with possibly something else. I think what we have to do when getting off of adderall is to completely unlearn the habit of popping a pill and waiting for a result. Yes, I agree if you try to switch to other supplements or stimulants you will most likely be highly disappointed when it doesn't do for you anything close to adderall. And what is the point of recovery if you are just trying to transfer your addiction to something else? I think the key to recovery is to re-adjust to life with healthy coping skills. Recovery is a total transformation of mind, body, and spirit. For me, I have found myself feeling the strongest when I can look back at situations where I wanted to drink/use so badly, but then applied the tools I've found from a plethora of other programs and stayed clean. I found I had many regrets when I look back on my drinking/using days, but I have never regretted my decision to stay clean just like I have never regretted a good workout. For anyone new out there that is struggling, just try to visualize yourself successful in recovery and HAPPY. Allow yourself to dream up everything you could possibly want to do with your life now that you are clean. You truly CAN do anything!! Once you are FREE from being a slave to a substance, the world is yours for the making. You no longer are spending all your time planning to get pills, trying to find pills, calling the doctor, waiting for an appointment, getting high on speed, being tranquilized into some crazy 3rd dimension of robotic isolation, withdrawing, sleeping for days, and then craving it all over again and repeating the cycle. The ability to gain the freedom from all that mess is fantastic! You can do whatever you want in life and have no cloud of shame/guilt over your head. Just the sense of feeling good inside knowing you're on the right path. Maybe you don't know where that path is leading yet, but look at it as part of the fun!!! The journey is the destination. Document your progress along the way so you can look back and see all the changes and growth. And then help others with all that you've learned. There is no better feeling than this! Thank you Topher for such a great post. Hope I didn't go off subject too far, but I think this will benefit a lot of people. I'll have to check out your blog too. Great to see the site has helped you!!!

Whoo hoo Doge!!! I got 5.22 in today. Can't wait to see how far you made it!

Let's get this club back in action!! 6 miles in so far this week running. Biked 32 miles today and yoga. Anyone signed up for any races this summer?

Yep, sure did!!! She's awesome! Where is she is the question?

AWE!!!! YAY!!!!

Yes, such beautiful writing. We are all rooting for him here!!!

Great idea Quit Once!! Love it!

Yes, don't worry! You are just starting your recovery so right now it's seriously fine to not know the answers to any major life decisions or much of anything. Just be gentle with yourself and know it's going to take some time to figure everything out. As far as your school goes, can you drop a class possibly and reduce your workload to make it a tad easier for this semester? How about reducing your workload into like really small manageable chunks of time. Like promise yourself you'll sit still and do your work for 30 minutes and then get to take a break. Reward yourself and go for a walk, grab coffee, or do something fun that you enjoy. Just break down your tasks into smaller achievable intervals so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Create a game plan for the day and add in some fun stuff so it doesn't feel so awful. As far as boredom goes, what about hobbies or social things you could find to do with friends? Just something to connect with others, laugh, and have some fun in life again. What about volunteering somewhere? It might lift your spirits a bit and help you feel good in the process of giving to others. Just keep reminding yourself it's okay to take it easy right now. Hang in there and stay positive. Find as much to be grateful for at all times and situations. You are doing great and it will get better!!! Stay strong!!

Whooooooo hooooo!!! That's awesome!! You are 3 days free and clear of that junk!! Good job!!!

Congrats on 2 months!!!!! That's a major milestone! Like Cassie said, please be gentle with yourself right now. This is a process and it will take time to get adjusted, but you will get adjusted in the end. That's the great news! I find it funny mentioned all that stuff above about missing all those things it did for you. However, imagine you were able to do all those things sober without adderall. Is it really what it made you capable of that you miss or possibly just the euphoric recall of being high on speed during those things you mentioned? It feels so weird to think about this now because I know I could do any of those things without adderall, but recalling those time periods and looking back I can clearly see now that it was just the dose of speed that I truly missed. It was finding a way to keep that high going all day long. As soon as I'd start to come down, I'd come up with any excuse to go back up again. It is a roller coaster ride that you can't ever get off if you keep getting back on. And it especially makes sense you are missing it right now because your in the downward phase still of withdrawal. Just keep reminding yourself that this is a highly addictive toxic poison and going back to it will only damage and destroy your body, mind, and soul all over again. This phase that you are going through right now is temporary and short term. It will pass and then you will be free. And once you are free you can actually do all the things you ever wanted. Your confidence will grow as you prove to yourself you can do all these things without it and you get to learn who you are naturally. You will have real authentic genuine confidence that you can feel great about because it will no longer be manufactured by some artificial evil pill. Along with this, recognize that adderall is actually stealing your confidence from you. As you become more and more dependent on it for confidence, your real confidence decreases because you know it's coming from a substance. Again, as you are having these cravings remind yourself that adderall is DESTROYING your real confidence. It is like a wolf in sheep's clothing. We think it is giving us confidence, but it is doing just the opposite!! It will be worth it in the end. Just hang in there for now and know this won't last forever!!!