LILTEX41

I feel an inclination to post this topic early this morning for some apparent reason. This has become so apparent to me in the past 24 hours I'd like to share. You know what's easy to do? Give in. It's easy to give into the temptation to go back on the pills, bottle, or whatever your drug of choice is. That takes no effort and the funny thing about it is that even to this day it is still my first line of thought the second something goes wrong in my day. I decided to run a test trial last May after reading a book on how to moderate your drinking. Now, this book was intended for those who were currently drinking and to start the recovery process with a moderation plan. I had been sober (mostly) for 5 years. However, I got these ideas in my head based off what "some" people (very few) were able to achieve with moderation. I was really determined that I was going to stick to 3 beers when going out and no more. I mean I was really determined, right? I planned to keep exercising and doing all the positive things I had been doing for the past 5 years in my recovery. I thought if I could just add a few beers back into my fun life, it would be great. Well, I did okay at first. I had a few benders, but when I really tried hard at sticking to my plan, I was semi successful. But then life happened. I had some hard days and being that I had opened the flood gate again just a crack, it didn't take long before the flood came raging in. It just kept getting progressively worse as I stopped caring about my moderation plan and all I wanted to do was get messed up again like all the time. The worst was the morning after a night out and I was scheduled to run 14 miles for a marathon I had signed up for. I did it and it sucked really bad. But even after that, the pull for drugs and alcohol was growing stronger and stronger once again and I found myself returning to the same place I was at right before I got clean which was drinking daily and wanting to get messed up 24/7. Luckily something bad happened that woke me up to the fact that if I kept going I was going to end up back on adderall and possibly lose my job. So I quit again on Nov. 10th, 2015 and have been dead sober since. In these past 5 months, I have dealt with more urges and cravings than I could possibly imagine. It has been extremely hard at times playing the tape forward and not giving in. However, every time I have done this and woken up knowing I resisted an urge when it felt unbearable, I have gained an enormous amount of strength, confidence, and self respect. I am literally so fucking proud of myself and I feel awesome. There have been so many times when I wanted to give up. When I wanted to say screw it, go to the bar, and just get blasted. But before I did that, I remembered how well it had worked out in my past and then I would recall all the shit of my past. And I think about the friends I have that have overcome their alcoholism or addictions and how well they are doing now and how happy they always seem to be. I always know what the answer is deep down in my gut if I am just willing to pause and wait long enough for the urge to pass. And what I'm finding out is that life can be extraordinary if I am just patient to wait long enough to see this process through. I saw a video this week of a lady who had a near death experience and she said when she got to the other side she came in contact with her dad. He told her she could go back or she could stay. The choice was up to her, but she had this awesome sense of knowing that either choice would be the correct one - that everything would be good either way. The whole story was riveting of course, but I really took something good from her story in that we should try and see life in that manner. Instead of being so worried about everything working out exactly the way we imagine it in life, if we change our perspective we could see that it will be good regardless. We can make the most of any situation we are in and find the best in it. We can take the bad things that happen in our lives and turn them into something good. We can take the things that were meant to destroy us and turn around and help others. When we find purpose in our lives, it slowly starts to make sense. I saw a friend tonight that was through some really hard times recently. I was seriously worried about her and didn't know if she was going to pull out of it. We had some good talks. But tonight when I saw her I was shocked. She had done a 180 since I had last seen her. She had a renewed hope and a revived spirit that had come over her. I thought she had given up, but right at her lowest she bounced back and is sounding more stronger than ever. She is such a sweet person and she deserves happiness. I was in awe of her strength to fight back when life threw shit at her. We attended a charity event on human trafficking. The stories of these women were beyond anything I'd ever heard before. One of the ladies told her story about how she'd been abused as a child and needed love. A guy started giving her love for the first time in her life and she became hooked. Next thing, he had her stripping. Then it was on to cocaine, crack, and heroine. She was inducted into a gang. She was part of the coke dealers business that when his clients came to pick up coke, they got to bang her. Anyone he was associated with - she was consider theirs. She did 10-20 tricks a day. At the finality of years and years of this, she said a man showed up and she saw the face of the devil that day. He took her into an abandoned warehouse and proceed to rape and sodomize her with every foreign object he could find. He made her throw up from giving him a blow job and then used a knife on her on the inside. When he left her for dead she ran back to the gang for help and to get some heroine because she wanted to die. The gang saw her bleeding and said, "here are some paper towels. Go downstairs, clean yourself up, and go back out to the street and turn some tricks first and then we'll give you heroine." She went back to the warehouse and found a rope and hung herself. As she hung there she felt warmth coming all over her body and started to feel all the pain finally leaving her for the first time. But then suddenly out of nowhere she hears the voice of jesus. And he says, "I'm not done with you yet. I have a purpose for you." The rope broke and she fell. The next day she checked into a hospital and got clean. She has been helping other women in human trafficking ever since. She is clean and sober today. I think about earlier today when something really upset me. Something upset me so much I busted at in tears and I wanted to relapse so bad. I wanted to give up. I went running instead. Halfway through the run I was in shock. I couldn't believe I had chosen to run at my weakest moment. I suddenly felt stronger than ever. All afternoon I was a mess still emotionally. But by the end of tonight, everything changed. My situation that I was upset about did a 180 and I was shocked. I was so thankful once again that I didn't relapse. It was a miracle. It's amazing what can happen when you just keep going and don't give up. All of these stories tonight and yet I am hearing the same message in my heart play over and over again. Never give up. There is a purpose for your struggle or pain. And always remember...and even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger. If you are actually still reading this, thank you for listening. My encouragement to anyone struggling is that there is a purpose for your struggle. Don't ever think you have wasted your time or life caught up in this addiction. You will be a blessing to someone else someday for having gone through it. And that feeling my friends is something unfathomable that not everyone gets the opportunity to share with others. Much love to you all

WOW!!!! That is AMAZING!!! Good luck on your race!! I've thought about doing an ultra before, but for now it's just one of those things on my bucket list. Your story is so great. I guarantee you will have a much faster recovery time from all the running. Your story is so unique because you were a runner during your time on adderall, yet all that running and you still suffered the consequences from this drug as did everyone else. I can absolutely not wait to see how much happier you are soon after being clean for some time. Again, good luck today!!!! Thank you for sharing and welcome to the site!

It is heartbreaking what this evil pill does to not only the user, but everyone around the user. Prayers for you both.

BAM!

I am so sorry to hear it's this bad. I think the best thing we can do is pray for him and ask GOD and the spiritual entities to help send him signs pointing him in the direction to go. I know that sounds weird, but I am so strongly convinced in the spiritual world and how we have spirits all around us trying to guide us along our path. It really freaked me out when I saw this video about evil spirits taking hold of people and destructing them via drugs/alcohol, and suicide ideation. It's just beyond insane, but I am a firm believer that this does and can in fact happen and in order to break free of them, we need to ask for help from the other side. I mean it doesn't hurt anything right? When I went to see that psychic in 2010, I swear in my life she could sense the evil spirits had me deep in their grips and that was why she told me to go home and get my bible out and pray to GOD for help. It was seriously CRAZY because that's exactly what I did and I was sober/clean for a good 3 months after that until I relapsed. Earlier, you said you showed him print outs from this forum, but you never said how he responded. Did he seem at all interested or possibly consider if whether or not he had a problem? In recovery, there are stages one goes through on the journey to get well. It goes like this: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Articles_and_Essays/Stages_of_Change/understanding_stages_of_change.htm I'm hopeful that with the more information he comes across, the more he will start drifting into the early stages of change. It would be good to know where he's at in this process. It's usually not linear, but at least this might give you more hope and an idea/framework of how recovery works. Right before I saw that psychic, there was a story on the news about Lindsay Lohan and how she was addicted to adderall. It showed her descent of pictures over the years. Again, I don't think this was just a random coincidence. It was help from my spiritual guides giving me sign after sign about my problem. I think this is what your son needs - divine intervention. Keep asking for help from them. They will perform the miracles which us humans do not have the ability to do. Don't lose hope. Pray, pray, and then pray some more. My heart goes out to you and I hope he gets well soon. Part of me wonders if you could talk to his doctor. I know you said you worry about him finding another avenue and turning to street drugs, but maybe at least it would put a road block on his use for some time. IF you talked to his doctor though, I would make sure he does NOT know you did. Maybe the doctor could just call him in one day and say he's seeing some serious red flags with the medication and his behavior or had another patient he recently took off the pills and is no longer comfortable prescribing them. I've heard of doctors doing this before. And seriously, they should!! I'm sure he could come up with a valid reason. IF I would've been cut off like that, I would've been PISSED, but it would make it harder to access the drugs and it might've at least gotten me clean for a short interim period. I feel like the doctor should be made aware of this as he is destroying your son's life without even knowing it. What does everyone think about this? Good or bad idea?

Excited

WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Play the tape forward. Imagine yourself going back down the road you've already been down and starting back at ground zero - addicted, trapped, and obsessed with this drug. Now play the tape forward if you keep progressing without adderall and think about when you get to 1 year. Imagine how even though you are still struggling, it is less than when you originally quit. Have faith and hope the longer you are clean, the easier it becomes. Trust us with years clean. You got this!

Hi Wellness, I'm not sure what would've happened if my family had an intervention at the time. I was living with my fiancé at the time and he hated it. I did try to quit for him once and it lasted 3 months. I got pissed off because I didn't feel like he was being supportive or even cared that much as to how hard it was for me to quit and to be doing it for him so I ended up back on it and then we broke up a few months after that. For me, there were a few things that happened along the way that sort of just kept piling up and making me want to quit more and more. Here goes: 1. Fiance wanted me to quit and our relationship was going down the tubes because of it 2. Friend explained her pill addiction to me and as she explained it I realized I was seriously addicted 3. I found this website 4. A guy at work I had a crush on told me about his ex-wife and how she was an adderall junkie - the way he described her cut me to the core and he had no idea I was even on adderall 5. I kicked this loser guy I was dating out of my apartment and he sent me the cruelest text messages ever and one of them said, "your jaw shakes like a meth head", "you have some serious problems", "nobody will ever want you in your condition" etc. 6. I saw a psychic who informed me I had a serious problem and drilled down my past using history and said I was at 90% negative and if i didn't get some help, it wasn't looking pretty for me. Actually told me to go home and get my bible out and pray to God for help 7. I had a car accident after taking a 15mg pill one night and had a few drinks since it had been several months since I'd been on them 8. I went to the ER and a psych ward due to the pills being super potent by a bad batch from manufacturer 9. I went back on the pills after I found out the pills were screwed up and it wasn't my fault, but then 9 months later landed in the ER/psych ward/detox once again. This time it was my fault for going back on them for 3 weeks straight after being sober 3 months. Anyhow, being that it was the same exact incident happening once again, that was finally straw that broke the camels back and allowed me to quit for good. So looking back at this now, as you can see it might take a lot of bad stuff to happen before someone is ready to quit. I think if my family had confronted me, it would've just been another stepping stone towards me quitting eventually. The seed would at least be planted. I think everyone is different. There is no one magic bullet that is going to work for everyone. Some people might be able to get clean as soon as they realize it's a problem. Then you have people like me who had to get knocked in the head like a 100 times before being willing to finally quit for good. I had several quit attempts also mixed in with all of the stuff mentioned above too. For me, it just wasn't until I went to the ER for the 2nd time that finally made me say, ok that's enough of that shit. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother and brother. Addiction is scary and I my heart goes out to those watching someone they love be trapped in it. If you have a confrontation with your son, I would make it more of a non-invasive discussion rather than an attack. Maybe say things like: "We are worried about you. We love you and we want to see you live a long, healthy, and happy life. From what we can see, this drug is wrecking your life and we are scared for you. We've read countless stories of other people that took adderall and had the same problems you are having now. Some did not make it. We know it is your life and you have every right to choose how to live it. But as your parents we feel it would be our biggest regret if we did not speak up and at least express our concerns for your well being." I think if someone came at me in that manner I would've been much more likely to listen and at least feel like I wasn't being forced, attacked, or told what to do. It would've made me feel like I was empowered and in charge of my own life. I was actually in an intervention once where the family launched an all out attack against their son and went in and snatched up his bottles and tried to force him to get help. Let's just say it didn't go well. I think that is the wrong way to go about doing it. Any time someone tries to force someone to do anything, it will usually end in rebellion. It feels like your boundaries are being violated and then you end up hurting yourself only worse to get back at the people trying to help you by trying to show them who's boss and exert your own authority. I really hope things work out for him. Prayers for you and your family! Please keep us posted.

Hi Wellness, Glad you found us! Hope we can help. Everything Greg mentioned above is dead on. Your son does have to want to quit, but I think the more stories he can hear from people that went through what he's been going through might help. I am getting ready to head to the gym so I don't have much time at the moment to respond, but here's a few articles you could always send him. Ashley and I from this site were featured in this first article by Self Magazine and there is a 3rd story as well. I had two severe adderall psychosis events that landed me in the ER/psych ward twice. The second article is the lead singer of the band Creed and his story on adderall (hearing voices). Self Magazine Article: http://www.self.com/wellness/health/2013/03/adderall-the-get-ahead-drug/?currentPage=1 Creed Article: http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/creed-frontman-scott-stapp-prescription-drug-abuse-led/story?id=30996539

Blissfully happy

Never heard of it, but sounds cool!

Congratulations!!! I can totally relate with the way you used. I did the same 20-40 mgs for 5 or 6 years, pack of cigs a day, drink @ 6pack every night, well and I'd smoke pot too. It's a pretty big change getting off all that crap and so glad you are doing better! Does brain function come back? I wish I knew the answer to that question. I feel like I have the same abilities now as I did prior to taking adderall. I think I was depleted of dopamine for quite some time after i quit. Just took a long time for the constant cravings to go away. I feel recovered these days. Glad you are doing so well and thanks for sharing!

Give it at least a year!!! Don't give up. What you are going through is normal.

Great point, Cassie! I drank 3x the amount on adderall. I think one could be okay if they just found their drinking was abnormal on adderall, but didn't have a problem prior to it. Good thing you mentioned this!

Awesome Justin! So glad to hear it! Excited

I ran 12 today. Does that help you? lol

I have a different theory when it comes to the question, "Am I an alcoholic? Do I need to attend AA meetings?" Most people are not going to like this answer, but it's the best one I've found. Alcohol is a highly addictive drug, but our society has been conditioned to think it's no big deal because it's legal and 90% of people drink. A book I read refers to it like a pitcher plant and everyone who drinks is just at different stages of falling into the descent. It traps you much like a pitcher plant traps flies and insects. You don't even realize you are stuck until you realize you are unhappy when you are not drinking. This idea seems far fetched at first, but for me I found it best to quit everything. Blame the substances and not yourself personally. If you take drugs and drink alcohol (which again is a highly addictive drug), you increase your risks of becoming dependent and addicted. It's easier to just avoid the alcohol trap altogether than play around with trying to control it. There are zero risks of reducing your inhibitions to relapse on other substances if you are not under the influence of alcohol and you will have 100% control over your life. I know most people don't want to hear that answer, but of everything I've found in my quest to get my life together and be successful, this is the best thing I've found. The book is called, "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace if you are interested. It's really good. What I loved about it best is how it drives home the idea that life actually can be so much better simply without alcohol. It's just a matter of reversing the brain washing from advertising and today's culture that says alcohol in moderation is good for you. You don't have to call yourself an alcoholic to quit drinking. In fact, labels aren't really good for anyone. It puts us in a negative head space. I just want to say also that if you are having a problem with one substance, there is a good chance you will quit it and start abusing something else. I've found for myself, I can self medicate with almost anything from alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, to you name it. The most helpful thing I've found for myself to do is journaling. When I want to act out with alcohol, drugs, or whatever I write down everything that is bothering me. Then I address each problem one at a time. But more than anything it's the pausing and taking time to identify and reflect what's wrong before acting out and trying to escape. When you escape through whatever method from your problems, you just end up compounding the problem and having more problems as a result. Best advice I can give you would be try 30 days clean of all alcohol and drugs and see how you feel. Then re-evaluate at that time. It will give you a lot of clarity and freedom that you won't otherwise have under the influence of alcohol. Welcome to the site btw! Glad you are here! Update: After reading my post again, I realize maybe it sounds little rigid. I think there are plenty of people out there who can handle alcohol and not abuse it. However, my point is for anyone that has struggled with trying to control it and had problems with it the past, the best method I can speak of for getting a handle on it is to just stop consuming it entirely. Maybe you decide to go through a period of trying to moderate if you want to see if that's an option, then by all means try that. I've had to do this several times in my life to get to a point of realizing that I will never be a moderate drinker - I drink to get high the same way I took adderall or anything else. Take away the part of getting inebriated and let's say drinking to try and get a buzz...well one or two was just never enough for me. As soon as I drink a few, I want more, and then I want pot or coke or whatever to keep the buzz going. I've just found it easiest to not do any of it and then I don't have to worry about it all. I am still learning how to go out and socialize without it. It's really not that bad. It's still fun to hang out with friends doing the same stuff. Life can still be good!

Today...is the day!

How did it go Always? Back at it again? I did spinning today.....hoping others are going to join in soon!

Congratulations!! That is great!!!

Congratulations Ashley!!!! So proud of you!!! You are an inspiration to so many!!!

Good point Quit Once! Everyone has problems with motivation for exercise. Totally normal. Especially hard for those in early recovery from adderall when we used to have a pill that gave us superman powers. It won't ever be that easy again, but at least you won't die from a heart attack. Forcing yourself to exercise is like mopping the floor. The thought of doing it sucks at times, but once you do it, the reward is amazing!

Frank, Here's a trick that works for me when I don't want to go. I tell myself just go to the gym and do the elliptical for 10 minutes. That way, if I achieve this goal, I have succeeded. However, usually I end up doing like an hour. It's just the dragging myself there sometimes in the beginning of starting to get back in shape again that sucks balls. I think the longer you are doing it and the more it becomes a routine, it gets easier. The beginning is always the hardest part! So yeah, set easy achievable goals and slowly build up to whatever it is you want to do.

We have missed you so much!! Great to hear you are doing well.