LILTEX41

Few things. 1) You said, "I first flushed them, then went a long time without it." Good, you can draw strength and experience from this that quitting adderall is possible and you CAN survive without it. 2) Sounds like with having young children like that, maybe your best approach would be a very slow taper down method? If you can slowly adjust to getting off of them so you are still functional instead of a cold turkey quit where you are paralytic for some time, that would definitely be better for the sake of your kiddos. 3) You said, "My live, or rather my mental well-being depends on adderall." Yet, you also said, "When i tske mtly prescdose of 30mgXR i dont feel anything." How is not feeling anything equate to healthy well being? So if you are knocked out and numb to all your feelings (joy, happiness, love, kindness, sadness, frustration, hurt, excitement, and for example enthusiasm) then your mental health has improved? Am I understanding what you are saying correctly? It's better to feel tranquilized than to have feelings? 4) Your addicted brain is rationalizing staying on the pills because you dread the day of working again without it and the comment made by co-workers, "I was even asked at work if i was ok because ive always been so active and outspoken." Understand that these are ONLY short term problems of quitting. These problems will disappear in the long term and yes to the people around you, you may seem like a totally different person in the beginning. They will not understand what changed, BUT you don't owe them anything. THIS IS YOUR LIFE AT STAKE. You owe it to yourself and your children to be a happy, well rounded, mentally stable parent. You deserve a good life. We all do!! Don't let adderall steal it from you!!! 5) You said, "I cannot function without it yet it gives me constant anxiety and headaches." Again, change your thinking process to, "I cannot function without it in the short term. In the long term this is the best decision I could ever make for myself and my children." It boils down to weighing out the costs/benefits of this drug. On one hand, in the short term it makes you super woman. But it makes you anxious, headaches, probably feel like crap, and incapacitated without it. You are dependent on a substance RIGHT NOW to carry out your daily tasks, but again you can re-learn how to function and be successful without it. All the damage it causes you in the long term is far greater than some short term benefit. It's just not worth it. If you slowly taper down, you can still manage to take care of your children without falling apart. You can adjust to being clean during your maternity leave with none of the difficulties of going to work. IN this time, look up everything you can on how to get organized and better manage your ADD. There are so many things you can do that will help you and strategies not just for people with ADD, but that anyone could use. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. I wish you nothing but the best in your quitting efforts. Stick around the site and you'll have all the support you can ever imagine!

How much were you taking? I was still hearing voices almost 6 days off the pills in detox. However, every day the voices got quieter until they became so faint and then finally gone. It amazed me I could still hear them 6 days out because they sedated me with seroquil and a few other drugs. Have they started to get less and less during the 3 week time or still sound just the same?

I hear you Frank. But remember you're not even at a year yet! I think I started to get past it more at 2 years. It screwed all of us up. You're doing great though. Proud of you.

LOL, the food was quite surprisingly great! Healthy and delicious! So yeah, to answer your question about the craving for adderall - no, I didn't even want it. SO WEIRD. But I did have that euphoric memory of being high as balls racing around that store. It was kind of like, "Wow, that sounds good." But that feeling lasted for like a split second. I was thinking about how awful I used to feel all the time. Just thinking about my armpits drenched in sweat, having to go outside and take smoke breaks, and that constant agitation/paranoia that people were watching me. For the first time ever it sounded terrible. I was just so stoked that I was having just as much fun and excitement stoned sober. And it was weird when I think back to my first year clean now and I thought I would NEVER be the same again. I just felt like I couldn't do anything without adderall and I'd never be successful in my life again without it. It tricked me. I can do just as good of work now without...actually WAY BETTER and it's not stressful. I just remember second guessing every decision I would make on adderall and things taking 10 times longer because I would be obsessed with making it perfect. I could slave for hours on a spreadsheet or rearranging furniture and now it's like you just do the task and it's done and you move on. SO WEIRD. I guess more than anything it's crazy to think I overcame this drug. I NEVER thought I'd be off of it for this long or be able to do it. It's exciting to realize I never needed that shit!!!

Frustrated

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

All, So I discovered something truly awesome this weekend in my recovery. So back when I was in the heights of my addiction, one of my favorite things to do used to be going to IKEA and decorating my apartment. It was back when I first moved to Houston and like the 2nd time I'd ever been there. I remember the first episode in IKEA lasted literally like 6 or more hours. Now, granted I didn't know how the whole store worked exactly and it was my first time there shopping, I just remember being obsessive compulsive about EVERYTHING. I would go back and forth a thousand times over what I was going to buy and just totally OCD about the whole experience. Then I'd get home and realize stuff didn't match or whatever. I remember assembling furniture and being absolutely EXHAUSTED. Probably because I'd been up for 48 hours obsessing about decorating, chain smoking, and going a million miles a minute. I loved it, but it wore me the F out. So this weekend I had my first SOBER experience at IKEA. I CANNOT believe how easy it was. I planned out what I wanted ahead of time. I looked online and got ideas for what I needed for my condo. I took pictures of my condo. Anyhow, I got my stuff home and my place looks freaking ridiculous. I can't believe how amazing it looks and how EASY it was to drive 2 hours, shop, get crap home, unpack it, hang it up, and go to bed. It was NOT exhausting and I did not get OBSESSED with EVERYTHING. More than anything this entire experience just goes to show me how I never needed adderall. It made me a basket case and I do better work when I am well rested, healthy, make a game plan of what I want/need to get done, and then execute it. It's really not that hard. Life is so easy without this drug. I know that seems bizarre and crazy to hear when you are in the depths of addiction to speed, but I'm telling you. That shit is whack and will destroy your life if you let it. It is terrible for you in every way possible. Don't believe the lies your addicted brain feeds you that you need it to be successful i this lifetime. You don't. I am living proof. Thanks for letting me share. LT

Insinuating someone has a mental disorder on a site about quitting "speed" seems a tad ironic, don't you guys think? Come on guys. We are trying to help one another get off this junk and none of us our doctors. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I overdosed on this shit too. Do I have bipolar? Um, no, but on this drug I absolutely did. People come here looking for hope and encouragement from those of us who have been strong enough to resist this shit and get off of it for good. I get the whole "tough love" concept, but does it really help to kick someone who's already down as it is? Just please try to think about the things that would help you if you were struggling and how you would want to be treated. That's all. Much love ya'll

You gotta get some tools for when these urges pop up! Make a list of all the consequences you have experienced when taking adderall. Then make a list of all the rewards you will gain by staying off of it. Refer to these lists when you have urges and surf the urge until it dissipates. Urges will always go away if you don't act on them and they will lessen over time the longer you remain adderall free. They won't kill you, but adderall might. Arm yourself with as many tools as possible!

Maisy, I am so proud of you. The fact you caught yourself and threw away the pills is awesome and you need to pat yourself on the back. Get some sleep and rest well knowing you slipped, but stopped it in time before you went spiraling out of control. That is a huge victory!

If you have an addictive personality and want to do a triathlon then you are in for a treat. Races are like my cure in recovery. I have given this a little thought recently, but I break it down like this. 1. They give me an ultimate goal to focus on which I cannot conquer if I am in the throws of addictive substances. 2. When I am following a training plan, it forces me to plan out my weeks/days in advance for training purposes. Checking the schedule everyday, I end up planning out my day ahead of time and also plan out activities and other goals as well. It's kind of like the snowball effect as just getting the ball rolling and then boom, I'm doing 10 other productive things that day. 3. It forces me to eat healthy. 4. It gives me something fun to look forward to. 5. I love the endorphin high and feel so much better than I ever did on drugs. 6. The feeling of accomplishment when you cross the finish line is unbeatable. 7. I love socializing with other people training for the same race. 8. It gives my anxiety an outlet (all the cardio) and soothes that shit out. 9. I like adding medals to my collection. 10. I like getting faster, stronger, and staying lean. Ok, that's all I can think of off the top of my head. I really hope you start training because once you start and feel all the benefits, you won't want to go back to drugs. There is a better way to live! Praying for you!!

Maisy, I used to do the same thing. I'd pop on this site when I'd run out of meds and it would help inspire me to want to quit. That was a good first step. I had a lot of up and downs with adderall. What it takes to get off of it for good is maybe a breaking point. The bad times had to seriously start outweighing the good. It's different for everyone. What worked for me may not be what works for you. It sounds like you are in pre-contemplation stage which is the first stage to quitting so by all means that's a start! We all have to start somewhere. Even if you are not ready yet, at least you have a vision of where you'd like to be. You can't get to where you are going without a map so from the sounds of it you've got the first few things you need so that's good! It will be totally be fine when you are done with this drug, but you will go through some hard times in the beginning. But we are here to tell you it will get better. The sooner you quit, the sooner you'll get your life back and be out of the trap. Just remember that! As long as you stay hooked on it, you are just like a rat inside a maze forever spinning it's wheels. Welcome to the site and thanks for opening up to us! LT

Glad you are still here with us! You're writing is so eloquent. I'm ready for fall too. I really feel you have good things ahead. It sounds like you are getting to a better place. Let go of what was and ready to embrace all that is yet to come. There's always that adjustment period, but sooner than later you'll be back in a good place again. Wishing you all the best!

Rockbottom, Wow, I really feel for both of you and LYoung614. I remember how hard it was to get off this junk and stay off. All of your concerns make sense, but I think what would be helpful is if you choose to start thinking about all of this in a new light. How has this affliction and struggle made you a stronger person? Imagine a few years from now when you no longer think about it and you are free just living your life once again in peace. Imagine looking back and saying, "Wow, I once was addicted to a drug and I overcame it." Not everybody who gets addicted ever finds their way out and look at what you've accomplished so far!! You are over a year clean!! That's amazing!! I sometimes almost thank adderall/cocaine for pushing me over the edge faster in all my addictions. Who knows if I'd even be sober today had it not been for the adderall which escalated my alcohol/drug use to the next level. Adderall definitely took me to rock bottom places and even then when I thought I would never touch it again, I'd go back. I often wonder what path I would've taken myself had I never touched alcohol or any drugs for that matter. But I tell you what. My life would've been WAY EASIER and I wouldn't have faced so much damn adversity. It is through the adversity and pain that I gained so much inner strength, compassion for others, knowledge in the field of mental health, and really just expanded myself in all ways possible. Had it not been for my years of drowning in so much loss, pain, and self sabotage I would not be the person I am today. It feels AMAZING to look back and say look what I did then and look where I am now. I think the best thing you can do is to try and first off start ACCEPTING yourself immediately. Rate your behavior and not yourself. You are NOT a loser!! Do not speak defeat like that over yourself!! Start saying, "I am a champion. I overcame some hard shit and I am better for it!!" Stop all the dwelling on what coulda, shoulda, or woulda been. It's in the past. It's dead and gone now. All you can do is learn from it and choose to do better in the present and moving forward. So what's next for you? What do you want out of life? What are your dreams, hopes, and aspirations? Start trying to rebuild your life in all areas and focus on how far you've come. And think about how you can help others with this struggle indefinitely. It is so great to give back and be able to help someone else. As far as feeling depressed and not wanting to socialize, do it anyway. Fake it until you make it. Don't allow yourself to isolate because it's uncomfortable right now. The sooner you face it and keep facing it, the easier it will become. Do volunteer work if possible. That's a quick way to start feeling better about yourself fast. Just try to focus on what you can do and make the most of it. And again, if you think you can't, do it anyway. You can do anything. It's just a matter of getting your mind to believe in yourself once again without adderall. You girls CAN do this!! And visit Smart Recovery if you seek new ways to enable better thinking patterns and start changing your unhelpful beliefs into more helpful beliefs. Rewiring our distorted thinking patterns is crucial to recovery and will keep you much saner in the process. ((((hugs))))

70.3!!!!!!!!

Hi Pug and welcome! Way to go on 110 days!! That's awesome! Sounds like you are off to a great start. I think the best therapies for combating anxiety/depression is exercise and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Getting outdoors and doing physical activity will definitely help lift your low mood and keep depression at bay. I think the major cause of depression has to do with our thinking though. When you are used to thinking repetitive negative thoughts, it's hard to just snap out of it especially after you've been on adderall for 4-5 years. It takes a lot of discipline and constant effort to revamp the automatic negative thoughts that come and turn them around into something positive. However, the better you get at catching these thoughts and doing something constructive with them, the better you will feel. It takes time, but it can be done. Just hang in there and keep looking for anything that can help you. Therapy is always a great place to start as well. Glad you are here!

6 days!!

I love this so much!! This is exactly right! What we think about and dwell on will come to pass. If we think negative, dark, gloomy thoughts about life then that's exactly what we will have. Luckily, we can re-write these limiting beliefs and turn them into something positive. You will become what you tell yourself, so you better think positive!

I am so sorry to hear this. I didn't realize he was gone. You are a very kind loving wonderful woman. Someone will be very lucky to have you someday. Please stay close to the site. We are here for you. <3 ((((Hugs))))

So sorry to hear about all the bad news!! If you need someone to talk to, please message me. It's not worth it!!

Absolutely. Thank you for admitting you're feeling down. Overcoming this drug is HARD. It is a crutch that makes you feel like superman and hell I don't know what heroin feels like, but I imagine it would be somewhere in the same category. Adderall (in the beginning) makes you feel like rainbows are shooting out your ass and life IS FANTASTIC!!! WHOOOO HOOO!! But it turns on you and destroys you in the long term. Just remember it's going to take time. First year is the hardest. I still get down from time to time, but I just keep hanging in there and that's life. Everyone has ups and downs. We are just back to facing reality and what all other people face once off this drug. The contrast between adderall world vs. reality is frightening in the beginning. It sucks. But I promise you will be thankful eventually that you are no longer a slave to some piece of shit soul destroying poison that has warped your mind, body, and all that life has to offer you. If you will just hang in there you can develop yourself in all kinds of ways to reach your potential without this poison in your life. Think of it has finding long term happiness rather than a quick fix. The things you do to find your happiness without this crutch will last a lifetime. Take this pill to solve your temporary problems and you remain stuck on the hamster's wheel. Don't ever give up the fight!!

Today I am feeling great. When I think about all the times I've wanted to go back to drinking in the past (almost 9 months) and I overcame it, I feel so grateful.. Some days are harder than others. Just so thankful to still be on the right track and moving forward. God is good. I am blessed. How about yourself, Frank?

So sorry to hear your pain right now Traceme. Praying things gets better. Thank you for sharing. It's hard watching someone you love be so sick. I guess all you can do is pray for him. All the best. <3 LT

Hi Lalalie, Reading this post was like going back in time. All I can tell you is get off this drug ASAP and don't look back. Don't worry about your future without it (you will figure it out and it will get better/easier over the years). I would be more worried about staying on it and how your future will play out. The longer you stay on it the harder is to quit. It already brought you an OUI as a "welcome to adderall" greeting, right? (I had a car crash into a median one night after taking 15 mgs after being off it for months. I feel your pain). I also took 60-80 mgs a day for the final years. I was having the exact same reaction you are now. I would be so tweaked out at times. I thought everyone was out to get me. I wouldn't sleep for 2 days sometimes. I was on it for 6 years. It was the unhealthiest period of my life. It was very dark and a lot of bad stuff happened. The pill is addictive as shit and you are trapped. Free yourself and be happy again. It's that simple. Tell the psychiatrist you're addicted and enlist your friends and family for support. Stay connected to this site and you'll get all kinds of help from everyone in the same boat. They will help encourage you on your worst days and then soon you'll be able to encourage others. It's a pretty cool deal. All the best to you!

Excited!