LILTEX41

Hopeful

Good morning friends!

Empowered!

A Little shoeshine boy never gets low down But he's got the dirtiest job in town Bendin' low at the peoples' feet On the windy corner of the dirty street Well, I asked him while he shined my shoes How'd he keep from gettin' the blues He grinned as he raised his little head Popped a shoeshine rag and then he said Get rhythm when you get the blues Come on, get rhythm when you get the blues A jumpy rhythm makes you feel so fine It'll shake all the trouble from your worried mind Get rhythm when you get the blues

Have the voices gotten progressively less intense? Do you just hear them every now and then? I know for me, I heard them all week in detox and they slowly progressively lightened up. I think I was still hearing them on random occasion though. It might've been more my brain was so hijacked from the drug that I had grown some sort of weird association to them. I'm wondering if this might be happening due to the brain creating a neural pathway that links thoughts to the voices and the only way to discontinue hearing the voices is with time off this drug. Maybe it's like a short circuited fuse that still buzzes now and then because it's in the process of dying out. I wouldn't worry them unless they are strong and you can't decipher between what's real and what's not. You should eventually return to normal. I think you just need to be gentle with yourself right now and know this drug has turned your brain into mush temporarily. It is still in the process of withdrawing from this substance so just give it time and don't expect any sudden miracles right away. School/romance/life stuff - all of that is so completely possible down the road when you are back to par! Just keep remembering that adderall is what poisoned you in the first place and screwed all of this stuff up. It will take you to your highest high and bring you to your lowest low. If you want to be functional, productive, and on even keel then you need a period of restoration to recover from the effects of this drug and learn how to overcome the cravings that are going to pop up now and then once you are recovered. And of course it is normal to think, "Oh, if I just went back to it then everything would be solved." NOT TRUE. If you go back on it, the entire cycle will repeat and you will be stuck trapped in the addiction again. If you break free, let your brain/body/mind heal, you can be free forever and never have to be stuck in this trap ever again. Don't allow this little orange pill to control you and tear your life apart. Remember, it ruined your life up till now. You can continue to let it ruin your life or tell it to F-off and take control of your life back. It will get better. Just hang in there!!!

Whoooooooooo hooooooooo!!!!!!!!

That sounds like so much fun! Are you a big skier? I haven't made any big travel plans yet, but I am dying to go on a tropical vacation somewhere. I am trying to save money though and will probably put it off until next year. I did just go to Clearwater Beach, FL in January. That was pretty cool. I'm not worried though. I just know I'm going to meet my hot millionaire boyfriend soon and he will take us on a romantic getaway somewhere awesome.

This post just made my night. Wow, you got it girl! That's what I'm talking about! Focusing on the POSITIVE and all the BENEFITS of being sober is so much more energizing than reflecting on what we are giving up (poison). You know the neat thing about this website is the fact if you do post when you are trying to quit, you get to come back later on down the road and look back and have a good reminder. My old posts are under Erin. I was the first person to comment on Your Challenge in 2008. Wow, 6 years later and I am still here. Didn't see that coming back then. I'm sure there are some old posts I wrote back then that are funny now. I was ripped out of my mind that week I posted and having hallucinations and talks with Jesus. (I still think that might've have been real though. ) Lots of coo coo crazy shit happening back then, lol. But yes, this is the key to happiness I've found lately. 1. Stay grateful constantly and focus on everything you do have. Give thanks and praise for even the small things. 2. Get mind off of own problems and help someone else. Look for ways to be good to people and show love. That's about it. Simple and yet incredibly effective. I don't like dwelling on the past either. Just focused on future goals and dreams for the present and what's ahead. The world is a brighter place when you feel physically well, sleep well, eat nutritious food, exercise, and try to live a balanced lifestyle. It sure beats staying up for days at a time having paranoid delusions of people out to get me, well and for everyone for that matter. I haven't been around the site much over the winter months, but it is really great to be back. It keeps reminding me of how far I've come and how no matter what's happened in the past year, I still haven't given up. I am blessed beyond a doubt. And I love to watch the newbies that come around and get clean. It is like the coolest thing on earth to watch someone go from hopeless to restored and excited about life again. Thank you for making my night! Great job!!!

You are NOT a failure! 1. Like Grumpycat stated - it wasn't even your choice to start taking this stupid drug! You were force fed an addictive pill and you got hooked. NOT your fault. 2. You reached out for help (awesome!) and right now you are not even in a state of mind to figure out what to do next. STOP beating yourself up. Give yourself some credit for taking the biggest step of all - reaching out for help. That is an incredibly courageous thing to do and it is just the beginning. You are contemplating quitting. This doesn't happen overnight for most people. This is the first stage of recovery - contemplation. 3. This is your struggle and none of us can tell you exactly how to fix it. We can tell you what we did and what worked for us. We are not here to judge you or condemn you in any way. Please don't think that. We have all been where you are at and the fact that any of us got off of it and stayed off is a MIRACLE! Some people come to this site, get clean time, and then go back on it. It's powerful shit. I have been so close so many times. But the fact I no longer had a doctor to prescribe it to me made it much harder than picking up the phone and calling a prescription in. It gave me room to recover and not have a knee jerk reaction, call, get the pills, and fall back into the cycle all over again. That is why we recommend telling the doctor. Maybe you are not there yet. That's fine. Maybe you need more time to decide if you are really truly ready to quit. Why not make any life altering decisions right now while you are in this state of mind? Why not just try to get some rest, eat, sleep, and try to come down? Just come down nice and slow. Taper if that makes you feel more at ease. Once you run out of these pills and you are clean for a minute you can come up with a plan. Right now it seems as if trying to devise a plan is only making things worse. Don't put so much pressure on yourself right now. You have all the time in the world to figure out what you want to do. This is your life. You are in charge. You get to choose whatever path you want to take. But just know if you do decide to choose the path of recovery we are here to help you and give you hope. I pray you find peace tonight and rest. Stay full of hope. There is a happy joyful life on the other side of this. When you are ready, it will be waiting for you.

Wow, good for you! And you already have 5 months clean!!! Awesome job!!

Bev, Maybe you need to seek medical attention? Or tell a close friend and let them know what's going on. Is there anyone that can come stay with you while you get all of this out of your system? It just seems like it might be helpful to have a friend or relative nearby. I understand why you don't want to tell your mom. That's probably especially scary right now. How about a friend you could stay with for a day or two until you come down?

Cold turkey (adderall, pot, cigarettes, booze, and all other drugs). I was tranquilized with a hard core mix of psychiatric drugs for 4 months though (lamictal, seroquel, and citalopram) because I went through a detox program and they didn't know what was wrong with me. They thought it was possible I had bipolar, but didn't know if it was the adderall or not. Anyhow, during those 4 months I was pretty much a tranquilized zombie. I slept like 12 hours a day and took a month off from work. 4 months later I weaned myself off of everything and started exercising like crazy. I don't take anything today.

I think you are experiencing convulsions when you try to sleep at night. The body will start shaking when in withdrawal. I had them for hours and hours the day I went to the ER. None of this sounds fun. You sound very young to be going through this and I am so sorry. You should be out having fun with friends, involved in activities, and enjoying your youth. I promise you can get there eventually, but it's just going to take some time (a crash landing), sleep, and a restoration period to bring yourself back up to par. Maybe there is someone else on this forum trying to quit and they could use a support buddy. Help one another by checking in. When you say you have daydreamed about telling everyone, what's holding you back exactly? Is it fear that means you'll have to stop for good or fear what people will think or something else? Because what I do know is that by not coming clean about it, it's keeping you stuck. Addiction (secrets, lies, isolation, denial, darkness, hiding, and being held in bondage) Recovery (truth, support, coming clean, ridding self of baggage weighing you down, freedom, light, and victory). Every reason/excuse you tell yourself about why it's ok to keep taking it, why you can't stop yet, why you can't come clean is your addictive voice talking. This voice is coming from your lower brain - the midbrain. In AVRT (addictive voice recognition technique) they call this part of the brain, "the beast". It is not you. It is helpful to realize this is not your desire to stay on this drug. It is the desire coming from midbrain. It will do anything and everything to keep the addiction going. The beast needs to be fed. However, there is good news! There is another part of your brain - the neocortex. allows human beings to be conscious, to think, to have language, and to solve problems. Your neocortex is "you," and you can override any appetite, even for oxygen or food. For more on this go to - http://www.positiveatheism.org/rw/nutshell.htm. You can build up your neocortex (the part of your brain that is YOU) and use it fight back your urges coming from the midbrain. The more you resist adderall, the stronger you will become in the midbrain will no longer be in control. Is it the addictive voice that's holding you back?

Hi Bev, Wow, this brought me back to a dark time and place in my life. You described the addiction perfectly. You know it is insane and it's horrible for you, but you can't even imagine a life without it. A life without it did not seem worth living back when I was in the clutches of this addiction. However, I found this website and I read the articles Mike wrote and I felt this tugging on my soul that said I had to get off this drug. It was by NO MEANS easy. I tried a number of times to quit (maybe 4 or 5) and I kept returning to this pill. It was HARD, but this website helped inspire me and I eventually had had enough. I knew being a slave to a stupid drug was not who I was intended to be. I knew it was destroying my life and the same consequences would continue to repeat until I got off of it for good. I read a good article on Smart Recover the other day. Check it out if you get a chance. http://blog.smartrecovery.org/2015/01/06/are-you-going-or-are-you-leaving/ I have found it very helpful to try and create a vision of what I want out of life and move towards that. My old ways of thinking were that I had to give up drugs/alcohol and my life would suck without them. This is such a lie and so insanely ridiculous to think like this. I have changed my perspective completely. I am giving up poisons. Without poison in my life I am free to pursue goals, dreams, be amazingly healthy, strong, and be happy for I am so proud that I am no longer in bondage to something that is keeping me from my destiny. When I was addicted to adderall I was once told by a psychic I was living in a state of 90% negativity. She actually told me if I kept going at the rate i was going - it didn't look good. She told me to go home and get my bible out, get down on my knees and pray - that's how bad it was. She actually helped change my life though. I did try and quit after that, but I relapsed one more time and ended up in a psych ward/detox. I've been off of it since then. I've had a few slips with alcohol here and there, but ultimately I have been sober 4.5 years with like a 2% relapse rate. Luckily, I've picked myself up and dusted off after those times and keep moving forward. Even IF you slip, you never have to go all the way back. You just keep moving forward and don't give up. Know your goal is to be clean and do whatever it takes to get and stay there. It sounds like you are desperate. That's fantastic! That's such a great place to be really. You want to be FREE. It is very clear. It sounds like you are doubtful if you can do it. I am here to tell you that you ABSOLUTELY CAN. If I CAN get off this drug ANYONE CAN. Just keep coming to this site and we will help you. But also do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay straight. If that means getting a therapist, finding other support groups, telling your doctor you are addicted, staying away from adderall users, taking time off from work, seeking meditation, exercise, a church or spiritual entity, just do it. Everyone is different. Find what works for you and keep doing it if you are serious about wanting to quit. Make it your absolute number one priority. You only have one life. Nobody can fix it, but you. You are in charge. You have a choice on how to live the rest of your life. It's up to you. But you CAN DO IT. I promise you! There are lots of us here that are doing really good. We are proof that change is possible. Ok, one last thing. So I know not everyone is into church or whatever, but i have this favorite pastor and he is AMAZING. He has a really good sermon that I think you might find really cool. I typed it out on my iphone notepad and added 52 pictures I googled to make it into a story. I have a ton of these messages, but they are really helping me lately. It's been a new fun project and I wish I could share them with others. Anyhow, I was able to copy the notes from his message so here it is below. You can also watch it on youtube if you are interested. Just keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You GOT THIS! Ok, I am having trouble finding the right one, but I think this is it. He talks a lot about addiction. It's very inspiring. Hope you like it! https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIGlZDhVHWQAr_AsnIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTByN2RnbHFoBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMw--?p=joel+osteen+sermons&vid=d13a448fb0831448f9bf9fe045c1e0e0&l=47%3A05&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts4.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DWN.cvd%252b0nN86hNJ5K8XMZaWoQ%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DLKQJPa7vpIc&tit=Joel+Osteen+Resisting+Temptations+of+Sin+2014&c=2&sigr=11beu104d&sigt=11dqsk5la&sigi=121s6fdfb&age=1416001408&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av&hsimp=yhs-004&hspart=mozilla&tt=b

It will happen when the time is right. Rock on sister!

Happy

Well, good for you! You are still moving forward. Maybe you'll make some great contacts with the new job or utilize some of the skills for your other job. I think it's great you have a diversified work life. Don't worry Z! It will all work together for your good. I am glad to hear you are doing so great.

What is kind of work are you doing Z?

Rejuvenated and excited about changing my summer half ironman to an Olympic. Training, but not too much for once. Don't feel stressed anymore. Hooray!

So wonderfully put. You sound joyful. That's the spirit!

Fantastic!!!!

Congratulations! Yes, happy 5 month anniversary!

I'm glad your kitty is okay!

Good morning my quitting adderall friends! I just woke up from a horrid vivid nightmare of having a full bottle of 30mg orange pills. In my dream, I was trying to get home because I still had 3 more hours of work for the day, but I kept getting side tracked (suddenly had an interview, bus dropped me off 5 blocks away from my home, etc.). As I started walking home, I saw a library. I went into the library thinking I could use one of their computers. As I opened my purse, there they were. An entire bottle of 30 mg pills. I knew if I took one, I could probably run home FAST and make it on time. There was a delay of about 20 seconds before spotting the pills and then it going into my mouth. Then paranoia set in. I tried to leave the library, but forgot my purse on the 2nd floor with my pills! I started sweating profusely. I ran back upstairs as fast as I could. I found my pills! I went into a bathroom. I suddenly dropped a pill in the sink and then I couldn't remember if I'd already taken the 1st pill. So I took a 2nd 30mg pill soaking wet. Then I looked down and discovered I dropped the whole bottle of pills in the sink with running water and they were all disintegrating before my eyes. I grabbed the wet pills. Suddenly I was in a vacation home with my best friend and her family going to the beach to swim. Did they know I had adderall? Did they know I was high? Where should I hide the pills? I'm supposed to be working! Oh crap, I'm going to get fired! And then I woke up. It was 7:30 and I was not late to work. EVERYTHING WAS FINE. So today I thought it would be nice to dwell on the gratitude of being clean today and no longer having to live in this state of fear, panic, and anxiety that I used to feel being on adderall. Here is my short gratitude list for today. Gratitude God Sobriety - freedom from addiction Sanity Family Hope for a bright future Health Prosperity No insane asylums Roof over my head Plenty of food to eat Car Nice Job The gift of helping others - hopefully inspire people to get well That's all for now. Have a blessed day my friends!

BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! SO PROUD OF YOU GREG. I just found this quote and thought it would be good for your points made here. "For a long time, when it’s working, (it) feels like a path to enlightenment, something that turns us into the person we wish to be, or the person we think we are. In some ways the dynamic is this simple: (it) makes everything better until it makes everything worse." - Caroline Knapp This is the crux of adderall addiction IMHO.