LILTEX41

This is an interesting question. I think addiction comes down to the individual though. I have friends that have tried the same drugs as me (cocaine, pot, ex, etc) and they did not become addicts. I have other friends who have done these drugs and will still do them from time to time. I have no idea how much, but I think the severity of any type of substance abuse issue happens on many levels. For me, adderall came after I had tried other drugs so it was not a gateway drug. However, I really just kind of abused what was ever in front of me. This is a good topic! I'm interested to see what other responses you get on this one. Thanks for posting!

I think my turning point came when I started training for the Ironman. I had been clean for 1 year and 1 month. I was so incredibly fixated, excited, scared, and in awe of the goal in front of me that I was totally distracted for my obsession with adderall. Not to mention the crazy insane amount of exercise I was getting. I felt like superwoman and it gave me a positive goal to focus on. Nobody of course has to an Ironman to recover, but I am sure glad I did! I kind of felt invincible afterwards and had zero desire to return to my old addiction days. I guess it could be helpful to find something to distract you or a new goal to focus on in addition to your quit. I didn't plan on the IM curing my love of this drug, but it worked. I really stopped wanting it after that. Also, I think a huge part of this was being that I joined a triathlon team. I had a coach and a brand new support team that inspired me. I was so impressed and in awe of my fellow teammates. The support, camadarie, and influence they carried was by far greater than any group I had ever been a part of. I simply aspired to new levels from being a part of this group. That might be the biggest key in my recovery now that I think about it. Find a positive healthy support group that encourages you to be your best. Find the people that inspire you and stick with them! Anyhow, that's what helped me more than anything and I wish you the best of luck! You're doing great!!

This reminds me of when I hallucinated so bad I thought I had scabies and head lice. I thought bugs were falling off my eyelashes and out of my skin. This of course was the worst trip I ever had on adderall and landed me in the ER and psych ward of course, but during this stint I washed my hair several times and ran out of clean "non contaminated" towels/clothing items to wrap my hair in. I thought if I didn't have a wrap around my head, the lice would fall out or something insane. Anyhow, I did have a pair of women's new underwear I bought in a hanes plastic pack as part of my "decontamination process". I wrapped my head in the underwear and sent a picture message to my friend. She had no idea what was wrong with me, but said I looked like I just got out of the beauty salon. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. We should hashtag these episodes #badadderalltrip or something, lol. At least we can relate in our insanity. Great day to be clean! Hope you enjoyed the bonfire!

Congrats on 14 days! You've made it this far, right? Keep moving forward. Going on dex would be moving backwards. There is an easier more sustainable life for you ahead. Just don't give up! You got this!

One more thing... It just dawned on me I began my working career with ADD drugs (Ritalin, concerta, then Adderall). I did NOT know what my performance would be like without them and I was scared to death I would be fired if I quit. When I was on ADD drugs, I thought I had everyone fooled. I thought they all thought I was this amazing, serious, super focused employee. Maybe at times I did have them fooled. However, it back fired on me big time. The bad times that resulted from my use of this drug totally killed all my chances for moving upwards. In the beginning I was at one point informed I was in training to be an Operations Manager. However, as time went on and my co-workers got to know me better and better things became visible to everyone I worked with. My addiction problems were slowly exposed. Kind of like if you had a closet full of skeletons and couldn't keep the door shut. A bone would fall out here and there and I'd try to cover it up and throw it back in as quickly as I could, I put everything I could into my life at work. It wasn't until I sobered up and got a new start that within a year this amazing opportunity popped up. Looking back what I realized was that it was due to my reputation. I had clean start at my new job and my coworkers knew nothing of my past. At my new job I did not drink with my coworkers. I no longer had any skeletons to hide. Amazingly, I did a better job because I never had any crazy things going on in my personal life. I was an emotionally stable employee who showed up for work everyday, did my job, and didn't cause any issues. It was actually pretty easy. Anyhow, this is just my experience, but I wanted to give you hope.

Wow, BEAUTIFUL post Greg. You have given me so much inspiration for today. So grateful to have someone with the same amount of time!!! So proud of you!!!

JOYFUL!

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." You say, "how could I like myself better without this drug you grew up on", but yet you also mentioned how this drug is causing you suicide ideation, feelings of worthlessness, and depression. It doesn't sound like it can be doing a whole lot of good for you if it is causing suicide ideation. And yet that is exactly what this drug causes when it is abused. You did say you are addicted, is that right? I really feel for you because I don't know what it would've been like to have started taking it so young. I started when I was 25 and didn't quit until I was 31. However, I can tell you all the issues you are having - I had those too. They were Adderall induced. I may have slight depression/anxiety at times now, but it is NOTHING in comparison to what I was like on Adderall. It was a rocky roller coaster ride from hell. I am emotionally stable today and it is by far way better than to what I was like on Adderall. I would go from being on top of the world like I wanted to do 5000 things all at once, go run a marathon in an hour, and then to damn near exhaustion, depression, and inability to do anything without more speed. If you are abusing it, the roller coaster ride will only get worse. You will need more and more to achieve the same effect and it will take a toll on you. More than anything though, I just want to give you a message of hope. Do NOT sell yourself short for this drug. You are a human being and you are perfectly ACCEPTABLE just the way you are!!!! You are just as valuable as anyone else on this earth. We are humans. We are all flawed. None of us is perfect. This drug might produce results that make you feel perfect or earn you rewards and kudos, etc. However, who says we have to do or be anything in life to be happy with ourselves? If you could start loving yourself unconditionally today at this moment for just being alive and being human, how would that change things in your mind? Why must we feel we need to be superman in order to be important, loved, valuable? If you remove these underlying beliefs that tell you you're no good without it, you might have a really good chance to quit this drug that is causing you so much pain. For me, I just want to be happy today. I guess this is something I have been working on recently and I've been feeling really good. I've stopped comparing myself to others and instead just focused on all the positives in my life. And more than anything I keep telling myself, "I've got everything I possibly need right here right now today to be happy." Because I guess more than anything I realize that it doesn't matter what is happening externally. It is my view and my perception of my reality and if I change the way I see my life into all the things that are good and keep using the positive filter instead of that negative lens, things will actually be a lot better. LIFE IS GOOD. I AM BLESSED. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED WITHIN ME TO BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW TODAY. Keep HOPE alive and keep moving forward! You CAN do this!

I don't think about it anymore. I read an article about Adderall a little bit ago and it reminded me I should come visit the site. It takes time, but the longer clean time you have the more it becomes a distant memory. I am just very blessed I go to bed and sleep well every night. I think that was the worst part for me when taking Adderall. I would stay up all night long and get like 2 hours of sleep sometimes or sometimes just stay up for 2 days straight. I was a mess and it made me paranoid, insane, aggressive, jumpy, giddy, hostile, and caused so many problems. Life is just easier today without it and I don't feel I'm ready to fly off the edge like I used to. It's good to be sober. I am blessed. You can do this!

Thank you Cassie. This means a lot to me. Even though I am going through a rough period right now, I know going back on that drug is not the answer and would never be even if hell froze over. I feel bad for anyone that is addicted to it and can't get off it. I am so lucky I don't have easy access to it, but even if I did I am in a better place now that I would turn it down. My life means to much to me to roll the dice like that again. I am blessed to be alive, healthy, have a good job, and not have any problems. You're right though. Sometimes life sucks and it's hard, but I know my return to that drug would only cause significant damage. What I take for granted right now could be easily stripped away. A return to that addiction would be a severe setback in my life and I can simply not ever afford to take that risk again. If we just keep trucking along the path of recovery things will slowly get better. Feels like a snail pace at times, but in my case my life has only improved when I have been clean. I guess what I realized in this past relapse was that I am not protecting my sobriety as good as I should be. I want to believe I can handle talking to certain people and it won't effect me, but it does. Certain people trigger me and as hard as it is I need to stay away from them. Does your husband support your recovery or does he just not get it? It's hard to believe he would say something like that knowing how hard you've worked to stay away from it. I really hope he didn't mean it and was just saying it in anger and frustration. Did you talk to him at all later on about what he said and how it made you feel? I feel like it could be a good thing if you had a conversation about it and let him know that wasn't a cool thing to say then or ever. It's weird you mentioned the cravings. I went through so many stages in since being clean. There were many times when I just forgot about it. And then there were times when I'd get triggered again. I think the biggest help has always been exercise. Cardio mainly. For me the more active I am the better I feel and don't want it. And yes working from home is kind of crazy in a way. I am trying to come up with a solution. I think I am halfway there. I will post about it once I know for sure. Anyhow, it sure makes it easier to stay clean when you have your buddies still in the trenches of recovery with you! You've helped me today from your support and I really appreciate it. Take care!

Cassie, You hit the nail on the head. I so know what you mean by it at first solving all your problems, and then exacerbating them. That's exactly what it did for me. And with time away from this drug you do actually develop all those skills naturally. I am so thankful I was totally wasted when I slipped because I barely remember what it felt like other than it kept me awake longer to drink. I am grateful for that. I am grateful I didn't take it dead sober and tweak the hell out. I haven't put as much thought as a lot of you have in regards to the changes that have taken place since I quit, but I do know what you mean looking back. I am not the intense insane person I used to be on that drug. Anyhow, I am rambling. Just know that I am so happy to see this amazing post from you and it has been a pleasure to see you grow in your recovery. You are an inspiration to so many! Congratulations my friend!

Hi friends, I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year and best of luck on your journey this year. I am so GRATEFUL I overcame my tiny slip and didn't go back into full fledge addiction. I am keeping my quit date the same. I am still on the road to recovery and feeling stronger than ever. Do I wish it never happened? Fk yes, but I can't change it now. All I can do is move forward and do whatever it takes to protect my sobriety and make sure that shit doesn't happen again. I am SO EXCITED for 2015. I just have major POSITIVE feelings about it and I feel great things for all of you as well. I've been kind of MIA again for awhile, but I am going to visit more often and keep in touch this year. Anyhow, much love to all of you and bring on the New Year!!! Hugs!

I am so happy for you Occasional! This is such a beautiful inspiring post. My God, you have made some seriously amazing things happen in this short amount of time. This is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I am so proud of you. 2015 is going to be an AMAZING year!! Congratulations my friend!!! Hugs!!

That's amazing. I'm so happy for you! You're an inspiration. Keep up the great work!

You guys are the best.

Guys, I feel awful. I have not had a good couple months. Some crappy stuff happened in my personal life and I ended up relapsing. I drank, was vulnerable, and someone gave me some Adderall. I did make my 4 year mark. I only took a few half pills. I haven't lost the 4 years. I am right back on the wagon. In Smart I was taught to think of it like getting a flat tire. Repaired it, never again, and am back on track. I am sad I slipped, but I am grateful I didn't have a doctor I could easily call and get a script. I started debating Concerta last week. I did a cost benefit analysis and realized the potential for it to trigger me back into full swing addiction is too great. I know I don't truly need it. I have done absolutely amazing without it. As much as I think it would make my life easier, I realize the side effects, the zombie like state, losing my personality, and more than anything the potential for craving drugs and alcohol is too high. It is NOT worth it. I know all I really need to do is just make a daily plan and follow it. I found a support group for ADD lead by an LCW and will attend soon. Stay strong my friends and I feel better already getting this off my chest. I know I am doing the right thing be staying clean. Hugs!

Congratulations Greg!!! Yay!! So proud of you!!!!

Thank you guys. I am so grateful for this website and all of you.

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Amen! Thank you for helping with this Occasional. I've cleaned up all the spam you reported.

Great job Occasional!! I finished the marathon. Only 8 mins off Boston qualifying time so I was pretty happy. I'm gonna try again next year though by doing all the speed workouts. It was a great day and felt amazing afterwards as a marathon feels like such a great accomplishment no matter what the pace! Crazy, but I'm ready for another one soon! Any takers????

I think it started to turn on me when I started noticing other people being freaked out by my behavior around it. I was already lying and hiding how much I was actually taking, but when I started noticing other people actually get mad about my behavior, I really had to work at hiding it more. These caused great dissonance in my soul. I knew it was pretty bad, but seeing my reflection through another person's eyes made me feel like crap. So I guess what I am trying to say is that it turned on me when it started putting a heavy strain on my relationships with other people.

Nice to meet you Greg! My real name is Erin.

Where did you go Greenteas??? You okay buddy?

Hey everyone! Well, I had my first race disaster at the half IM. I really don't want to even talk about it, but let's just say I got horribly seasick on the swim, puked twice and got lost on the bike, lol. I just wasn't feeling this race. My training was terrible and I wasn't excited to do it in Ohio. I've decided I am leaving the triathlons in Texas for now....or at least someday until I return. I am excited about the Columbus Marathon though. It's in just a few weeks. I was really worried I wasn't going to pull off the 20 miler last weekend, but I did it and in just under 9 min miles so I was super stoked! Really praying I can get crank out a decent time. Anyhow, great job everyone! You guys are kicking ass! And next time you feel inspired to drink that 2 for 1 champagne or whatever booze it might be how much more likely it is that you will not get up and go exercise in the morning, lol. Booze calories + extra food consumed while intoxicated + hangover = 2 days of derailment.