LILTEX41

Occasional, This is awesome! I really love your way of viewing Adderall today. I need to come to that acceptance place myself, but realize these are stages you can't force. They come with time and healing. I'm so happy you're at this place already. Brings a lot of peace just thinking about it all from the angle you view it now. Thank you for sharing!

Awesome job Occasional! You are killing it! Checking in day 4! 5 mile run Barbell class Sore, but feeling good!

So happy to hear you're doing better InRecovery. Well, thank God it's easier to kick than Adderall, right? Phew! Would hate for you to have to go through yet another terrible struggle. I hope you don't view this road bump as a total relapse in your recovery, right? You know you are still on the same exact highway. You just got a couple flats, but you are in the process of repairing them and right back on your journey.

GDT! WHOOP WHOOP! Congratulations! That is an amazing victory!!! I have never come across Adderall again since I quit and I am so proud of you. That is powerful stuff only 16 days in! I'm very excited for you. Why did you almost have a panic attack?

Ok guys. So I've been struggling since I moved back to get a new workout schedule going with the cold weather and just all out depression of losing all my outdoor running trails, etc. HOWEVER, starting today I am committing to 30 days straight of getting up in the morning early and going to the gym for 1 hour. I think after I get past 30 days, this will become an easy ingrained routine and I'll be back on the path to fitness! Any takers on the 30 day challenge with me?

Chris, Welcome to the site! We are glad to have you. My addiction to Adderall started off somewhat innocently enough. My bf at the time used to tell me to save my pills for weekend partying purposes only. I would wait and pop my first pill every Friday morning at work. My co-workers started nick naming it, "Fun Friday" because I would become the life of the party and we would sit around talking non-stop and telling jokes while working. Then we'd go out afterwards and party. Anyhow, it finally dawned on me how super productive I was on those Friday's so I started taking a pill here and there just like you did to get things done. Slowly, it became such an ingrained habit, that I was taking them all day everyday so I could "function". But more than anything, I loved chasing the high. It was a constant roller coaster ride. And over time I just needed more and more to get the same effect. I was beating the crap out of my buddy with that stuff and I never ever thought I'd be able to give it up. But eventually I did and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Last night we posted about where we'd be right now had we not quit and it was such a great reminder to see that life is really good today. It could be so much worse had I stayed on the path of oblivion. It's definitely the hardest thing I ever gave up, but I thank god for this website because without it and everyone's encouragement I don't know if I'd still be clean today. My best advice is stay close to this board and draw support from the people here. Whenever I feel like I miss it and wish I were back on it again, I come here and read stories from all the newbies or people still struggling. It is the best reminder I have of what it was like and why I don't want to ever go back to that trap. You can get your life back! You can do this and know we are all on your side rooting for you. Take care my friend! Hugs!

This is a great question. Wow, thinking about it now and I can see my entire life flashing before my eyes. There was this guy that I was obsessed with back in Texas. We worked together and had flirted with each other for two years straight. We hung out a couple times, but just as friends. This guy was a total raging alcoholic. He was previously married to a woman who had been addicted to Adderall. He hated her for it and thought it was disgusting. He had no idea about my addiction to it too. Anyhow, he finally comes over to see me one night (just so happens to be the last night I was on Adderall) and of course I was a total wreck. Things got very intense and it was the "start" of us. However, I ended up going to the emergency room the next day and then our relationship totally changed from that point forward. We hung out a few other times when I relapsed (on alcohol/pot only), but the whole situation was a nightmare. I saw a glimpse into my future with him and saw what looked a 1,000 times worse than the last relationship I had. I knew I could've traveled down that road again. I could have gone back to being a full fledged addict right by his side and waste another 5 years of my life. We would be hammered 24/7 and once again I'd be caught up in a relationship with someone who wasn't even emotionally available, treated me like crap, and for the most part not even capable of loving another person because he was so jacked up. It would just be another toxic relationship that would blow up smoke eventually. Anyhow, thank God that didn't happen. If I wouldn't have gone to the emergency room the next day everything would be different right now. I'd still be on Adderall and drinking. Amazing how one event can change the course of your life. Thank God I'm sober and I'm 3.4 years clean from Adderall. Earlier tonight I had a flashback and it scared the living shit out of me. I shared my personal story with someone today of the incident when I overdosed and went into psychosis. Just talking about it all brought all the memories back and I suddenly started imagining what it would be like to be in that spot again. I started thinking about if I had a bottle in front of me and if I'd taken a pill...I'd be staring at the clock counting down the minutes until it kicked in and then I'd be sweating my ass off and running around my apartment like a crazy person cleaning. And then I'd be smoking and drinking later. See just thinking about this really TRIPS me out because I was FREAKING CRAZY ADDICTED TO THAT SHIT. And yes my brain started craving it and it sounded so good again. So it scares me, but I know I won't go back on it and it was just a stupid euphoric recall moment. Anyhow, thank GOD I am so far removed from that trap. My brain has healed. I don't ever feel like that unless I really put thought and effort into it. I may not be where I want to be in life just yet, but at least I know I'm headed in the right direction. Backwards is definitely not the answer. I'm just struggling right now because I'm having a hard time forcing myself to go out and connect with people. It's like I moved 1200 miles across country and I'm waiting for someone to knock on my door and say, "here is your new life." Ever since I started working from home I've totally isolated myself because quite honestly I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. Where has my motivation gone I ask myself. I don't know. I really wish a little angel would just show up on my doorstep and ignite me on fire with motivation. Wishful thinking I know. Life is GOOD today though. I am blessed to be at home by my family, old friends, have a good paying job that I actually kind of like on most days, I'm healthy, sober, have a roof over my head, debt free, and the entire world of opportunity is waiting ahead. At this point, it's just up to me to determine what to do next. That's really not so bad. I have zero problems in my life when I look at it in this manner. I have absolutely no reason to complain. I'm going to start taking ACTION tomorrow. This is my commitment. I'm making it official! I'll follow up! Love you guys!

Quit Once, It sounds like you've already answered your own question. An emotional attachment? I have an emotional attachment to my cat. I can't live without him. I would seriously be heart broken and devastated if something ever happened to him. That's what my kind of emotional attachments feel like anyhow.....

Zerokewl! Keep your chin up buddy! There are things you can do to get through this. Here are some tips I just found online. I like reading about this stuff because I need reminders too. I stole this stuff from additudemag.com 1. Create the right working environment - clean your workspace and only keep out what you need to do the project - set your own deadlines for completing portions of the project (break it down into doable chunks) 2. Don't beat yourself up -The messages we tell ourselves about doing the task at hand as a strong impact on how or whether we do it -Avoid negative self talk, and send yourself positive realistic messages -Instead of saying, "This will take forever and it's so late already"...substitute..."I might not be able to finish this today, but I can do the first two steps within the next 30 minutes." 3. Just Do It and Withhold Criticism - Just start doing it even if it's sloppy. It's better than looking at a blank page. -Don't critique it until you've finished it. That way you can avoid getting waylaid by perfectionism, or frustration at how much you have left to do 4. Take One Small Step at a Time - I used to do this in the pool when I had to swim 40 laps. Instead of thinking...THIS SUCKS...I have to swim non stop for 40 laps, I had an index card with 40 laps chunked into all kinds of fun strokes and repetitions. Like 4 x 100 breast stroke..30 sec rest..etc. I say chunk the entire project into doable pieces and then set a time/date you will get each chunk done by. 5. Give Yourself a Message - Write a note and post it within view for the 2 hours you are going to work on the paper or how ever long you decide. "This is not the time to clean my room. I can do that tomorrow. This is only the first draft. It does not need to be perfect sentence structure and wording." 6. Make a List - If you are stressing out about all you have to do instead of focusing on the paper, make a list of everything so it is all on paper and then you'll be able to focus better because you won't have to remember all of it. 7. Each Morning List your "Top 10 To Do Items" on an erasable white board - If your priorities shift, erase them and re-write top 10. Look at this as a SET UP for your next victory. Sometimes we have to take a step back to take 2 steps forward. And remember, you are still CLEAN! That's the biggest accomplishment of ALL. It will get better. We just have to find alternative ways of dealing with our obstacles. "If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk, then crawl. but whatever you do, you have to keep moving FOWARD." -Martin Luther King Jr.

I totally heard this on the new today too! Just one more reason why this crap is so horrible. Thanks for posting!

Good job Quit Once! Def don't want to have to quit twice. I'm proud of you!

Hi Lisa, I think a Cost Benefit Analysis would be really helpful. I have one I look at all the time to remind me of why I don't want to ever go back on it and what I want to achieve by being off it. It's way more in depth than this one, but I wanted to do an example one to show you what it looks like. Maybe others can pitch in and help fill this out as well. Looks like this: Advantages/Disadvantages - of taking Adderall Advantages/Disadvantages - of quitting Adderall TAKING ADDERALL Advantages Love the feeling of euphoria after 40 mins when it first kicks in Love the motivation it gives me to do all the tasks I dread Love how it makes food unappetizing and the weight loss side effect Disadvantages INSOMNIA Makes me crave cigarettes (chain smoking) Binge drinking Paranoia Total loss of freedom Withdrawal Running out early and being lethargic for days at a time (passing out at work) Feeling totally incompetent and dysfunctional without it Feeling panicked to find it when running out early Driving all over town to get it Paranoia at the doctor's office whenever we talk about it (always freaked out they must know I'm an addict) Paranoia around friends and family as they see something is wrong with me and having to hide it (Guilt/Shame) Isolation Fingers and toes always being numb Hair loss The most unhealthy 5 years of my life (always at the doctor, but Adderall is always the cause of whatever ailment) Hypochondria Blowing tons of $ (Binge Shopping on Adderall + Binge Drinking + Binge Smoking) Putting myself in dangerous situations with shady people Turning to other drugs when Adderall runs out No clue what I'm truly passionate about QUITTING ADDERALL Advantages Regain Sanity Freedom from drug abuse No more worrying about it all the time (what if they take it off the market, will I be on this forever, what if I can't quit, what if I need more and more to achieve the same effect - will I just keep upping my dose for the rest of my life, what if people found out who I was without it, would I be able to function, what will I do if my insurance no longer covers it, on and on and on) Save $ Get health back (quit smoking, start exercising, etc.) Feel the sense of genuine accomplishment from achieving goals knowing I did it on my own without a pill No more shame/guilt Self Respect Help Others Good relationships with family and friends based on honesty (no more lying/hiding) Disadvantages Quitting is hard Will miss the euphoria Will miss getting easy tasks done with what feels like no effort No more miracle weight loss drug

Hi InRecovery, I hope you are getting the relaxation you need and starting to feel a little better. Your post really scared me as we have the same quit date. Somehow, I guess after reading this post I really felt your pain and I began contemplating what it would be like to relapse. I actually had a nightmare the night after reading this. I dreamed I was supposed to get married in a week and I was dying to be thin in time for my wedding. I decided I had no other option other than to get some Adderall. I found someone to give me plenty so I had some for 7 days straight. I was crawling out of my skin because I knew I didn't really want to take them and if I did it was probably going to send me backwards into addiction and ruin the marriage anyhow. I wasn't sure what to do, but I just felt so overwhelmed that I had to make a decision right then. I wanted them SO BAD. I even started contemplating the time of day it was and how if I took it right then (it was late afternoon) I'd be awake ALL night. Everything just felt SO CLEAR like I was already back in Adderall addiction. In my dream I was SO CLOSE to taking the pills. I had them all in my pocket. CRAZIEST thing happened. I actually decided to wait for just a little longer before taking it because I was SO SCARED. Then all the sudden I saw the guy I was supposed to marry. His face was blurry at first. As it became more clear I realized I didn't want to marry this guy whatsoever and I realized I didn't have to take the pills because I could just call off the wedding. And I didn't take them and I was SO FREAKING RELIEVED. What is my point? My point is ADDICTION SUCKS. It is not something people who aren't addicts seem to understand very well. For me, addiction is about trying to procrastinate from uncomfortable feelings. Feelings that just plain suck and I want to drown them out with something that feels better. I think your situation is extremely common and I am not really that surprised by it. I think it caught you off guard. You seem to know in your heart of all hearts that Adderall is not the answer and going back to it is off limits. So I think you tried to convince yourself you could handle the Xanax and maybe you wouldn't have ever truly known until you tried it. So at least now you know and you can be more guarded for the future. For me, I still battle with plenty of other addictions since I quit drinking and doing drugs. Basically, anything that will help distract me from whatever it is I'm feeling that I just don't want to deal with will pop up. Like that game when you hit the ground hogs on the head. If I'm not on guard, it seems like I am always trying to squash yet another addiction. However, I feel better today in that at least the things I'm addicted to now are less severe than alcohol/drugs. Internet addiction won't land me in prison thank god. So what am I trying to say in all of this? I just want to let you know I don't think this bump in the road is as bad as you feel it might be all things considered. For starters, you didn't relapse on Adderall. Second, you didn't really know how it would all play out in the end. Did you take a risk? For sure, but at least now you've learned from this experiment and can move forward. I have a feeling you won't be willing to risk experimenting with a lot of other drugs again. I just think that's what life is all about. As long as you live and learn from your mistakes you will only continue to get stronger. We're all human and sometimes we make mistakes. Now if you keep repeating the same mistake over and over...well, that's a little different. They call the definition of insanity, right? You're a smart cookie and I have total faith in you that you'll beat this one too. Just hang in there buddy! We're all cheering for you and on your side. You CAN DO THIS! Hugs!

4.5 Mon Spinning Class + Elliptical Machine 26 minutes Wed Tomorrow - Run 5!

Sounds great girls! Ashley, I would love it if you signed up! I am seriously the most out of shape I've been since I got sober! This winter back here really got me down with not being able to go outside and run/bike like I used to in Texas. I was super sad and really just angry all winter about it, lol. Anyhow, what I am saying is that we have like 8 weeks till this half. I am starting from like zero miles right now. Ha ha. Sign up with me! Do it! Do it!!

Love this post! Things I still struggle with: 1) PROCRASTINATION 2) FOCUS when it comes to tasks I do not enjoy (unless I have my TO DO list in front of me and a plan of attack (a seriously structured plan). Now when it comes to pleasurable activities I can go for HOURS on end - LOVE the hyper focus (OCD) trait for fun stimulating activities 3) Highs and lows (meaning I can have one setback and it can literally crush me if I'm not careful so yes, like Cassie I guess I am still super sensitive at times). However, if I am in a good place I can be bouncing off the walls too. I think I may have bipolar tendencies, but not to the extreme or anything like that. 4) OCD - I need to work on balancing my time better. I get stuck in a rut doing the same activity for way TOO long. For example, being on the internet for 3 hours straight like I am right now when I should've called a friend, cleaned up the kitchen, etc. Things I NO LONGER struggle with: 1) The MENTAL OBSESSION/cravings for Adderall!!!! I just don't think about it anymore. I used to constantly wish I was still on it and how it would fix all my problems and make me happy. Much like the fantasy's we all tell ourselves, "I'll be happy when I get married, when I get thin, when I get pregnant, when I go on vacation, when I buy a house, when I get promoted, when I am successful, when I am rich, on and on and on. Stop the fantasy people! It's just a fantasy. 2) Honestly, I have been clean for so long I don't remember what it was like in the early stages. I am just used to life without it and I am SO THANKFUL I did NOT relapse ever. Hey, where is our one friend, MFA???? Ok, see my add just took over, LOL. Love you guys!

By the way, way to rock it Cat and Occasional! You guys are tearing it up!

Ashley, That sounds awesome! At least it will be a great way to see if you like doing that type of work and want to pursue it further without making a total commitment just yet. By the way, how did the interview go??? Hope it went well! Can't wait to hear all about it! I work in Logistics. It was not something I pursued. I just kind of fell into it through temping. I've done well in the field and it pays well so I'm kind of in the same boat as Cassie. I think someday down the road I might do something more fulfilling possibly, but for now it's been a good career for me. I enjoy it on most days. You are so sweet! Of course I will not leave you guys! You guys are my rock!

Where is your half Cat?

Thanks guys! Good to hear from you as well. I never really "joined the club" on here before so today I am officially signing up! Goal for this week: 15 miles InRecovery, I love the strategy about running just one mile. I do this a lot, but will sometimes just say, "10 mins of cardio at the gym." It works like a charm!

LOVE it!!

AWESOME Occasional!! That was so inspirational and touching. Love it!

I AM SO MAD!! I just wrote a really long response and erased it on accident. Just wondering.do you abuse it or take it as prescribed?

Hey Ashley! Good to hear from you as well! I did read a bunch of the posts, but was having a hard time trying to figure out exactly what the position was...addiction therapy intern or something like that? I always wanted to get into the field, but have just stayed with my current job for now. Sounds like it would be an awesome career field though. I haven't been on the board in so long because I got really down when I moved back to Ohio. I have been spoiled by outdoor weather in t-shirts year round. I got back here and a week later it started snowing. I've been trapped working from home in my apartment for 4 months and just feeling ANGRY at the world. I just felt so sad I gave up Texas I didn't know what to do on top of seeing my 2 ex's, old friends, etc. ANYHOW, I'm doing better now and really miss talking to everyone. I am going to spinning class in the morning with my mom. Need to start exercising again. Half marathon May 2nd in Columbus. I am at square one right now. You should sign up and run it with me!

Ashley, When is the interview? I have been missing in action for awhile so I am just now trying to catch up with all of you. I've missed you guys! Can't wait to hear how it goes. Keep us posted! Hugs my friend!