hyper_critical

I've had the same experience, Krax, but took me a while to figure out! I recently started doing TM 2x/day. It's only been a couple weeks, but I feel refreshed and invigorated after my after my afternoon meditation. It's 20 minutes a session, and I feel a little awkward closing the door to my office in the afternoon and turning off the phone, but hey - I used to wait about 20 minutes to come up on Adderall at least 2x/day so what the hell?

They were talking about this in the rooms last year. These (probably well intentioned) people don't speak for me. If anonymity wasn't an integral part of the foundation of AA, I wouldn't be there. Full stop. If you don't have a lot of shame to deal with getting clean, you probably haven't hit your bottom. Addicts and alcoholics do horrible things to themselves and others while the are using. Some even once they're clean. I don't see how you can avoid/remove the stigma from that.

Great post, great replies so far. Seb - great that you can still reach out at 15.5 months...I had a year last Sunday and though I'm very happy with where I'm at, I can feel myself becoming a little slower to ask for help because my deranged mind thinks everything should be just honky dory by now. From my perspective, it's plain and simple: speed is a terrible antidepressant, and it's certainly not going to help with anxiety. The rest is talking yourself in circles. Address the problem...don't use it as a rationalization to pick up again.

Perfect is the opposite of good, and perfectionism is a symptom of self-loathing, in my experience. I strive for acceptance of who I am and where I'm at today. Coming from a very high achieving reformed seeker of perfection and self improvement. As a good friend put it, my MO was pretty much "if you don't feel like you fit in, you might as well try to be better than." Fat chance - no amount of "improvement" or achievement was enough to fill that void.

Good for you, 777. Two things: - Yes, to your caffeine question - It gets SO MUCH better. Recovery is a long journey. Gotta remember to enjoy the ride and give yourself a break when you get emotional for no reason or lock your car keys in the car

Pretty sure there is empirical research backing the efficacy of affirmation, along with overwhelming anecdotal evidence. Sebastian - you sound miserable and depressed, and well on your way toward hopeless. Nothing good happens from there. Speaking from experience... It's funny: people like us, who were so willing to use any number of substances in absurd quantities to regulate our moods and alter our mental states get a little bit of clean time under our belt and won't even consider trying medication that could actually help us. I made similar points aggressively when it was first recommended I could benefit from an antidepressant. It was just well articulated denial on my part. I started Wellbutrin six months in, and it's really helped. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Dead, if I was lucky. I've met a few people who crossed the line into prolonged psychosis...

"Is it possible to have an emotional attachment to these stupid pills?" Of course it's possible. I've been reading this thread closely - I see peoples' minds playing games with them, the same way mine did with Adderall. That scares the shit out of me.

Let's be careful with the casual pharmacology on here.

Justin - I think I've experienced the ERROR///<#NaN>///ERROR with respect to visual processing you described above. Any idea what that's all about?

teamwin24, Keep coming back - it will only get harder. I would say things like "I am my perfect self on it" before I quit. Now that I'm almost a year clean, I realize that was absolute lunacy. It's probably going to take you carving out a few months and giving yourself a break to do this thing for real. I would err on the side of "over-treating" your addiction. Most people I know who have failed to get clean underestimated the power their drug had over them. I would also shut down the trading during that time. I was an fx/derivatives trader and thankfully decided to take time off work and completely remove myself from markets. That was one of the best decisions of my recovery - there's no way I could have healed the way I needed to heal if I had open positions on and had to be thinking about the potential impact BOJ minutes might have on the carry trade instead of focusing that energy on re-learning how to live life without Adderall. I slept a lot the first couple months, and it was great not giving a damn about futures markets before bed. As a supportive trader friend/colleague assured me before I quit, "the markets aren't going anywhere." I can enjoy life now in a way that is impossible on stimulants. I have real relationships with people. I feel healthy and strong instead of brittle. I can experience intimacy. The non-stop inner monologue in my head is gone. I have interest in things outside of work. I'm not ashamed of my imperfections. I am a more effective person. I can experience joy. It's taken some time, but been well worth it. And from what I gather from people who have been off this stuff for years, it's only going to get better from here. I am a real human being again. You can do this if you want to.

After considering quitting, I tried to control my use for a couple weeks. Even lied about it to people closest to me (and myself) after it inevitably didn't work. There's a good line in the Big Book about the alcoholics' fantasy of being able to drink like "normal" people. I personally haven't known anybody who's binged on 100mg+ and ever walked that back to consistent "normal" use. I also don't know anybody who's successfully quit using while living with a partner who continues to use. Just being honest, as it seems you've already decided to go back to using Adderall, albeit at a lower dose (for now).

Buy this and read it. http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Perfectionism-Revised-Updated-Self-Acceptance/dp/0757317200

nosleep_ox, Your bottom is whenever you stop digging. All of us here are proof that you can do it. I had to accept that getting clean was going to be a long process that I couldn't control, and decide to take suggestions, even if I didn't understand or agree, from people who knew more about recovering from addiction than I did. My best friend had become my worst enemy. I had to let go of what was making me miserable, and by all rights should have killed me. Keep asking for help. None of us can do this on our own.

Had a great day at work yesterday. As per, wasn't nearly as bad as I had built it up in my mind, even though I wasn't "perfectly prepared" and couldn't control every aspect of every interaction I had... ; ) Got back last night, watched a little Parks and Rec, and just woke up after eight hours of deep, rejuvenating sleep. I was nearly dead 288 days ago.

Right now. Up late for work, got 3-3.5 hours sleep last night. Wouldn't it be nice to pop a little pill to get me through the day? FFFFF THAT - I love being a human being again! Spent the last hour waking up: praying/meditating, now listening to some music before driving two hours for an afternoon of high-pressure meetings. I've got to remember: be grateful for struggle...it's a necessary precursor to growth. Feelings are NOT facts, and everything is exactly how it's supposed to be in this moment. And, the most important gift that I've gotten from recovery - I never HAVE to use Adderall again!

I've gotten a lot out of my swagger coach... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXqwq6YQAks

I'm coming into NYC tomorrow night for a show at Lincoln Center. Anyone want to meet up for lunch on Sunday before I drive back? PM : )

Thanks, Cassie and ZK. Stupid, I know, but parents, non-Addy recovery peers, outpatient therapists who haven't dealt with many Adderallics, seem shocked that I'm still going through this periodically. Making me think I'm crazy/deficient/etc and so forth. Tony Robbins is the man, whether he's full of it or not ; ) Don't have many at this point, tbh - had been cruising...got blindsided the last couple of weeks.

Hey Everyone, I have 8 months and a week. The last couple weeks, I've been exhausted. Like, two weeks clean exhausted. I took a job in my "Adderall field" about a month ago. Cognitively and interpersonally, I'm keeping up well and am able to handle my responsibilities...when I can get out of bed. Had an important week this week and spent most of it logged into my work computer remotely and barely leaving the house. Over-sleeping, eating, not exercising...the works. Anyone experience something similar when they got to this point? I don't have any cravings, per se...nothing I can't deal with using the tools I've acquired thusfar...but obviously it would be nice to pop a pill and get my a$$ moving. Thanks in advance : )

I've got 202.85 days, or 4,868.5 hours, or 292,125 minutes, or 17,527,508 seconds clean, and I'm finally settling into a sleep routine the last few weeks. 7.5-8 hours/night. In my entire adult Adderall-fueled life, I've never had a regular sleep schedule. Ever. And OMFG it is amazing!

There are a few of us going strong in our nation's capital. Get in touch if you're in DC/MD/VA!

I've seen Wellbutrin help people in early recovery.

+1 Cassie Once I made the decision to ask for help, it got a whole lot easier.

I left my job. Over six months have passed now, and I can honestly say it was the best decision of my life. I'm slowly re-entering the workforce over the next couple weeks. Addiction is progressive, chronic, and fatal: it won't get better on its own. In fact, it will get worse. That's a fact I had to accept. Before I did, I was living in denial of my problem. Nothing about this has been easy, but then again, nothing worth doing ever is. Good luck.