hyper_critical

"It's 5 o'clock in the morning. Reading shit on Wikipedia. Or compulsively watching porn. Or coming down with the help of external inputs. Or coming up with insane theories about existence which I think are brilliant but are really just my brain flirting with psychosis. Or ______________. My life on Adderall rulez!" REPEAT I like T-Pain's version better (never thought I'd say that...)

I was in the same boat. It gets so much better. GL!

Hey LILTEX, "If I could just ________________________________ (lose 20 lbs, get this work done, move out of my parents' house, work out x times a week, etc and so forth), I'd be happy." IS A LIE. Guess what? You're pretty great just the way you are. So are you, SweetCaroline. And ZK. And everyone else on these forums. I know that's hard for a lot of us to accept, but it's true. When I start to forget this (usually because I've spent too much time away from other people and locked up inside my own head), it's not stimulants that are going to put me back in touch with who I am. It's reaching out and sharing how I'm feeling with someone I trust. Doing something good for somebody else. Or simply recognizing that I'm getting a little cray cray and doing nothing at all. Currently, what I'm working on walking through is similar to Mila. I've put on 30-40 lbs since getting off Adderall (the first 10 of that when I was still on it...some of you who were as sick as I was know what I'm talking about!) and I've recently realized, outside of work, the rooms, and family, I've been avoiding putting myself back out there socially. "Until I get back in shape," that is...aka "feel good enough about myself" aka "avoid dealing with fear." The funny thing is, I'm not really doing much about taking the weight off. So, it's really a trap to keep myself isolated, which eventually brings me to a place where I'm miserable, don't think I'm good enough, yada yada et cetera and so forth ------------------------> "Eh, what's up, Doc?" : ) I've learned this over the last year and a half: Life is an action program. Recovery is an action program. Going back to stimulants is not an option, and, quite frankly, I want to go through life as the real me. I like being a real human being. I spent so much of my life running away from me that I'm still only in the early innings of re-connecting with who I really am. I'm not afraid of where life may take me anymore. I'm afraid of fighting it any longer. That's what almost killed me. With love, H-C

Olivia, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. "Rock bottom" is wherever you stop digging. Maybe think about taking your own advice and reaching out for help before this current spree takes you to a place you can't return from. I understand you have engagements and such, but as you said, "you can't give up on making your sobriety a priority." With love, H-C

Obviously, it sells. There are other places to get vitamins (that are probably cheaper and better). I would stay the f out of GNC.

Love this thread. It gets SO much better. Do whatever you have to do to get through those first few months. ZK - you're my boy, Blue!

It's a stimulant used to treat narcolepsy, has been used by the military, and is not a good way to avoid the fatigue that comes from early Adderall recovery. Friend of mine that is now clean messed around with it early on...she seriously regrets it.

The friend I was referring to in the previous post. Caught up with her yesterday...turns out she hadn't done what we discussed and instead got them filled. So, it's become a cautionary tale...

Well, I just found out she picked up the prescription, got it filled, and relapsed. So, good luck with that. I'm confused and upset so I'm going to stop before I mis-direct those feelings in an unhelpful way. So fucking predictable.

Hey Mike - you said in your previous post you're open to advice, and you're in a vulnerable spot right now, so I'm going to give you some. That prescription is a nuclear bomb waiting to go off. There is absolutely no legitimate reason for you to pick it up. A friend of mine was in a similar predicament a few months in. Her almost fatal rationalization was "oh, I'll just pick them up and ceremoniously flush them to prove I'm over it." That's insane thinking. "Shredding your prescription" is similarly insane. You're way past that. Call your doc, pharmacy, whoever, and cancel that shit. Or, if it's waiting at the pharmacy filled, have somebody else pick them up for you and get rid of them. No need for you to see or touch those pills that are sure to ruin your life ever again. And if your life isn't enough, remember you said "I can't be a good father on this." Rip off the steering wheel. Don't f around with this. All of the stuff you write about, gets much, MUCH worse. In ways you can read about in these forums. I've been on Adderall, off and on, more on than off, for about 2 years now. Originally, it was prescribed to me when i was studying to take a promotional exam. The doc prescribed 30mgs x 2 a day. He said I should be able to get by on 30, but I could take the 60 if necessary. At the time, I thought I had found the cure to my life's woes. At first, I aced my exam, my work productivity skyrocketed. I was the life of the party. I could drink all night long and wake up the next day, pop a football, and be back to normal. I don't know when I started to notice the slide. I just remember being irritable all the time. I use to always want to be somewhere socially, and all of a sudden I became an introvert. I preferred staying home. I cut off friendships. I convinced myself that I had different values than them and that this was just a part of life. That being alone, isolated, and away from the world was normal as we age. At work, I did great at my job, but had absolutely no friends. I ate lunch by myself. My relationship with my girlfriend began to dwindle. I was one of the unfortunate ones whose adderall use severely interefered with my ability to get an erection. So our sex life took a huge nose dive. I had convinced her I was too distracted by work to have a healthy sex life. Looking back its sad that I chose a pill over sex. If that doesn't say addiction, what does? I also have had moderate high blood pressure most of my adult hood. It would hover around 140/90. After regular use, i would check it and it was not uncommon to be 160/110. I was place on hbp meds. Mind you, I'm very physically fit, I work out Crossfit several days a week. I can run a 5k in under 21 minutes. So having those kind of numbers were upsetting to me, but not enough to quit. I just had my first daughter in late March. I hate to be cheesy, but one look at her and I knew my adderall days are numbered. I can't be a good father for her while I'm on this crap. It makes me feel like a robot. I want to be healthy and happy. And that begins here, with quitting this junk.

LOL ZK - I wanted to write an epicly triumphant post for my one year as well. Alas, I didn't end up writing anything. Gotta love that crippling perfectionism ; ) Well done, buddy. You've been a huge help to me and I know so many others on this site. And hey, if we can do it, anybody can... I've got similar goals my second year. If experience has taught me anything, it's that if I can let go and trust the recovery process, and give a pretty good effort most of the time, things will continue to get better and better. To a wonderful second year!

Hi anonymoose, Yes, as much for longer. My organs started shutting down and I had rhabdomyolysis. I'm so happy you reached out. It is NOT too late. There is hope, but it requires action on your part. I highly encourage you to open up to the people who care about you and tell them what's going on. As soon as possible. Rehab was the answer for me (Seabrook House in New Jersey). You can get through this...you just need to take the first step and become willing to ask for help. I was where you are a little over a year ago and I was so scared, but my experience proves it is NOT hopeless. There is a way out. You just have to open the door and let others in. Your life is worth saving. H-C

Feeling "terminally unique" is pretty common for people like us. I'm having to learn to deal with my ADD (or whatever you ant to call it) without stimulants. That's my big goal in this second year clean. Anyway, I can identify with the frustration. But when those thoughts start to creep in, I ask myself "how the hell do I know how I'm supposed to feel?" I've long given up on the ridiculous idea that I'm going to get to this euphoric place I delusionally attach to my first year on Adderall. Anyway, this guy's first book helped me a lot when I was younger, and I've heard his second is even better. I just ordered a copy: http://www.amazon.com/Delivered-Distraction-Getting-Attention-Disorder/dp/0345442318

Hey Caroline, Thanks for sharing this with us - you did the right thing bringing it here. I'm sorry you're struggling with weight gain early on. Many do and think about turning to supplements/drugs for help. I can't tell you what to do. All I can do is share with you my thinking and experience, so here it is: Every single person who snuck in weight loss and muscle building supplements to the extended inpatient I went to ended up relapsing. The people I've come across in early recovery since, either in group therapy or the rooms of AA/NA, who got clean and a few months in became obsessed with making themselves look better (and rationalize it with something convincing like "hey, what's wrong with wanting to get in shape?)...only one of them is still sober but he clearly isn't dealing with some of his underlying emotional problems. I believe this issue is even directly addressed in the NA literature, because it trips people up so often. Now, everybody's recovery is different, but for me, I decided early on I had to draw a hard line when it came to using things like pre-workout drinks to kick start my exercise habit. Im just not willing to risk it. It was really important to me to get to a place where I could accept myself as I was and know that I'm worthy of love regardless of how I look (or think/fear I look). I had never had that before, and it is a wonderful thing. The deal I made with myself was do whatever you need to do to get through your first year clean. I was laser focused on achieving that one goal. It was hard walking through some of those feelings/emotions at the time, but looking back, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm stronger and in a better place in my recovery as a result. And now, as my habits and behaviors improve, I'm starting to really make strides toward getting in shape. I hope this helps. Good luck with your decision. H-C

I don't think I could have gotten off Adderall without rehab. At the very least, it will put some space between you and the drug and make your first week way more comfortable than it otherwise could be.

Using dreams are a normal part of recovery. I've had some that have scared the sh*t out me, where I'd wake up in a panic thinking I'd relapsed. They ebbed and flowed for me - certainly more frequent the first 90 days, less so but still there the next 90, and increasingly less frequent up til now. It really helped when I woke up after one of those to try to do something to get out of my head...go for a walk, talk to somebody else about what's going on with them, etc. I've found I'm more likely to have them when I'm stressed out about something, and have heard the same from other people in early recovery as well as addiction therapists. Hang in there - it gets better!

+ ∞

2014Recovery, Dude, read over your post. You're addicted to speed. This isn't a sophisticated intellectual exercise. There is a solution. It's not comfortable. It's not quick. But it's the most important thing you'll ever do for yourself and your loved ones. In my experience, once you're out the other end, you really appreciate how f'ing crazy your thinking was while addicted to Adderall. That last line I highlighted about fearing feeling depressed and blah for the rest of your life after coming off Adderall is absolutely bonkers. I'm not letting that BS fly. It's your addiction lying to you. It's trying to keep you feeling isolated, afraid, paralyzed. F^%# that. You can do this. There is so much more to life! H-C "On the field of Self stand a knight and a dragon. You are the knight. Resistance is the dragon." - Steven Pressfield

"Start before you are ready" -----> best advice I ever got

I couldn't imagine life without Adderall. I went to rehab. It saved my life. Adderall, when you're addicted, is as bad as any drug out there. Don't know where you're located, but I had a great experience at Seabrook House in New Jersey. I've seen success stories out of Caron and Father Martins Ashley. All the best

BigBeezy, I have a very similar story. I can tell you it doesn't get better on its own. In my experience, it gets much worse. Now is the time to recognize how serious this problem is and do whatever it takes to get better. I'm now over a year clean and happier than I've ever been. It's been a long, difficult road, but getting off Adderall is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And if I can do it, so can you. DM me and I'll give you my e-mail so we can talk more. Stay safe.

What a hopeful post. Fear can take so many forms. I can identify with the fear of not being good enough. The impulse to act on feelings of inadequacy is a big theme of my step work (and, just as often, to NOT act due to those feelings). Fear is insidious. In recovery, we have two choices: F*ck Everything And Run or Face Everything And Recover Eventually, fear turns into hope, and hope turns into faith.

Hi Mom, Welcome to the forums. Reading your posts evoked a pretty strong emotional reaction from me. I'm sure my mother would do anything to rewind the clock to when I was four years into my use and intervene, knowing where it eventually took me. I too was prescribed for ADHD, diagnosed after a battery of tests, but unfortunately, in my experience and the experience of those I've met along the way, the ends are the same. I think setting expectations appropriately is going to be important. This is not easy and there will inevitably be a lot of extreme ups and downs, but they're manageable, especially if you're ready for them and your son has love, understanding, and support. All the best,

It appears I erred in thinking leading with Seinfeld would be a way to help people identify. I have zero interest in joining a spiritual organization, and don't think I've been indoctrinated into a cult. I originally heard of TM from my mother, who took a course like 30 years ago. She says it really helped her while she practiced, and did wonders for her dry alcoholic/addict father who was...lets say...an emotionally unstable rageaholic (loved popping a few dex to get the night started...sound familiar?). I then came across it reading about Ray Dalio, currently the largest hedge fund manager in the world. He swears by it for its practical use. Before I got clean, I thought "hey, a lot of successful people I admire personally and professionally seem to get a lot out of this...it might be something interesting to try." I went to a (free) introductory session, but was well on my way to spiraling out of control in my addiction and never followed up. Like prayer and the spiritual aspect of AA, it's been my experience that it works. Pure and simple. I didn't get clean to find God, or spend time with fellow addicts, or get into meditation, or any of that stuff, but they help me on a number of levels. If they didn't, I'd move on. TM has helped me since I started practicing. It cost $960, paid in 4 monthly installments, and for that I got over an hour of time with my teachers (a wonderful husband and wife team) for four consecutive days. I then went back 10 days later for a "check," where we meditated together and I got to share my experience and ask questions stemming from my practice. I have done tons of mindfulness meditation, EMDR, tried binaural beats...you name it. TM is different. It's easy. You just close your eyes, repeat your mantra in your head, let thoughts come and go as they will and see what happens. Its effects on me during, immediately after, and especially throughout the day are significantly more profound than anything I have tried in the past. Significantly. Increased energy, emotional balance (read: reduced anxiety), healthy relation to others (retaining "perspective"), everything really. I'm going to keep using it because it works. And, without Adderall, I know I have attention/energy/emotional/other issues that require active management, and I'd rather try anything than chase the dream of replacing Adderall with neutropics or become resigned to the hopeless and delusional idea that my best self is behind me. I have no interest in yogic flying, becoming a monk, or any of that. On the flip side, I'm glad I didn't write it off before giving it a try because some people who use it appear to be nucking futs. I will categorically say it is not a scam. I believe there are scholarships available, and the price is significantly reduced if you are a current student. I justified the cost by comparing it to the ~$250/session my therapist ran me. This was about the same, but I can carry the practice with me for the rest of my life (if I so choose), and continue to ask questions via email, go back periodically to meditate with my teacher, check out lectures at regional TM centers, etc., at no additional cost. Anyway, I'm not an evangelist - just wanted to share something that's really helping me, especially now that I'm back living on my own and working full time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPLn1ZgGxos http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcendental_Meditation http://wwv.tm.org/ I ignored their past political history and what I perceive to be "fringe" element and went in with an open mind. It's helped immensely so far.