hyper_critical

Time takes time. I had similar liver issues (among many others). ALT normalized after about a year.

Hey Everyone, Thank you so much for this thread. My confidence is still shaky and for better or worse, partly affected by job performance. There's very little room at work for me to act or come off indecisive. "Fake it til you make it" has worked well enough to this point. Still struggling with maintaining a healthy lifestyle and consistency in general. Surprise surprise! Procrastination and impulsivity... Started working with my old therapist about a month ago, however, and we're making strides toward building in some successful routines and outsourcing things I'm just not good at. When I put things in perspective (often with the help of people I trust), I still have trouble believing how amazing my life is today compared to 2.5 years ago. I've seen other people who abused to a lesser extent than I did wind up dead or permanently impaired. What a gift to have another shot at life. It's still that case that just beyond the point where I start to feel hopeless and like I can't go on anymore, massive growth is just around the corner. Never give up. You guys are the best. Furreal. h_c P.S. FUCK Excel

Wow. Some serious knowledge and experience shared above. Really grateful for the thoughtful comments, everyone. Kind of exhausted on the other end of this short but intense emotional roller coaster and need to do what I've gotta do to wrap up this week at work. Will spend some more time reflecting on your suggestions over the weekend.

P.S. FUCK Adderall.

Unreal feedback. Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Between my brother, sponsor, and you guys, I already feel quite silly about what I wrote this morning, but some version of that had been building in my head for weeks now and I had to get it out. I guess I've been really lucky so far...that was my first true craving in almost two years. Things are on the brink of going really well and some part of me thinks I'm incapable of sustaining it on my own. I don't have a great "recovery" job...if I'm not careful, it's pretty easy to lose perspective. Maybe I'll end up doing something else down the line, but for now, I just need to make sure staying sober continues to come first. Adderall nearly killed me towards the end, and I know it'll finish the job if I give it the chance. This has been a tough couple days, but I'm going to get through it and am sure significant growth is just around the corner. Thanks again, everyone.

To the only people who understand, STRONG impulse to call my psych today and ask to try getting back on Adderall. He brought up the possibility at our last meeting as we're getting close to exhausting all non-stimulant solutions to helping cope with my ADD. I'm sick of AA and am going to lay this all out to my sponsor tomorrow night (I don't expect him to cosign anything). The alternate theory I've been kicking around since I got sober is something along the lines of "You're not really an addict, but these people can help you for now. You've got some emotional issues from way before you started using that were amplified when you got hooked on Adderall after a pretty rough series of events. Give it a couple years, then re-evaluate from there." I've pretty much been craving free since I got off it two years ago. Attention issues are now seriously starting to build up and affect my life. Therapists are making the same suggestions I've heard over and over but haven't been able to make stick in my own life with any consistency. I'm exhausted from trying. If I get another CBT workbook or therapist suggesting we need to root out the emotional issues underlying my ADD or try this plan or that strategy for organizing my life, I'm going to throw said workbook or therapist out the window. I am nearly overwhelmed all of the sudden by feelings of hopelessness and an expectation (and, an increasingly substantive track record) of following in the footsteps of many/most people with ADD who end up self-sabotaging or under-performing over the course of their lifetimes. I've got a great job and am operating on a high level cognitively, but I straight up cannot keep my life organized. Like, not even close. The only two solutions to that in the past have been a seriously co-dependent relationship with my college girlfriend and...Adderall. Out of nowhere. Like a freight train. Please help.

Calves. Those damn calves. Thought I was the only one... Eye twitching and most of the other involuntary "mannerisms" have gone away at this point (amazingly). Still have to focus on slowing down my speech from time to time.

Stuffed. Too bad side effects of Adderall for weight loss include eventual weight gain and psychosis...

I don't know anybody who's used Provigil "successfully" for an extended period. I didn't find Adderall addictive when i first started it. Or the first couple years I used it. With some perspective, the negative effects on my life and development started years before I became aware of them. Early on in the recovery process, you've got to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Love Cassie's point about there being no substitute for time.

Coming up on two years - career is rocking. Intellectually, more often than not I'm operating as well as I ever have...if not better...especially when I'm eating right, working out, and getting enough sleep. My energy levels/recovery started to really pick up 4-6 months ago.

What you're experiencing now won't get better on its own. In fact, it will get markedly worse.

Should definitely expect things to continue getting better, but it won't be in a straight line. If you've gotten to a year, you know that. 18 months was significantly better than 12 months, and from what I've read 36 months is significantly better than 24. In my experience, right when I start to feel like I'm up against it, like I'm starting to plateau, if I can just push through and get through the day, significant progress is just on the other side. It can be a grind at times, but "keep on keepin' on."

Dude. Wow.

Strong

You too, ZK. Starting to really notice a pick up in energy these last couple months. How've you been?

LILTEX, Thanks for sharing - you have been such an enormous source of strength for me. I'm sorry things have been so difficult lately. Learning to effectively deal with the impact ADD has on my life is one of the most important elements to keeping me sober and happy now that I'm off Adderall. I need to consistently and proactively take steps to keep myself organized, and I need to be able to ask for help when I start to feel overwhelmed and can't quite figure out why. That happens a lot. Otherwise, I don't give myself a break when I forget to do something important and end up feeling like shit and on and on until eventually I think "maybe I'm not good enough the way I am...I can't handle this life thing on my own...if only I had Adderall it would make things soooo much easier and eventually I'll be able to feel good about myself." You know and I both know that's BS. Thanks again for your honesty. Excited for you to get back on track : ) H-C

21 months ago, I needed 45mg just to get out of bed. Was taking 150-200mg/day. I suffered from rhabdomyolysis and my muscles and joints ached all the time. This morning I completed a 9 mile training hike with a friend in preparation for our Mt. Washington climb next month. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude on the drive back I started welling up. At the rate I was going, I would be dead by now...if I was lucky. This site and the people in these forums played an enormous role in helping me get clean. I am eternally grateful to you all. Make a decision to quit and commit like your life depends on it. Because it does.

Pushing to the limit during the week then binge eating from bed on the weekend. I've been there. It's insane how reasonable that seemed while I was living it. Life is so much better on the other side. GL

Grateful

I've seen Wellbutrin help people in early recovery. Multivitamin, fish oil, calcium supplement every morning. Lot of Americanos in my first year and change, but I've whittled that down to a few cups of regular coffee before lunch.

I remember thinking towards the end of my use "oh my god, these things are permanent." Well, that was probably a couple years before the end of my use...I could barely look in the mirror as I plunged to my bottom. They went away sometime during my first year sober. I broke down in tears when I noticed I was so overwhelmed with gratitude.

That's a good one, Greg. Just started working through it these last couple weeks, actually.

I've posted this before - my absolute favorite book on the subject. Written by someone with ADD, for people with ADD: http://www.amazon.com/Delivered-Distraction-Getting-Attention-Disorder/dp/0345442318

I do! Sarah - thanks for sharing - I'm at a similar point and dealing with similar issues. Trying to cut myself some slack this second year while I work on coping mechanisms. If, by the end of it, I'm still struggling/not enjoying myself...I'm honestly open to finding a new career. If I'm doing something that makes me miserable without Adderall, then it's probably not a great career/life choice for me! If you haven't read this yet, check it out. Their first book is awesome too. http://www.amazon.com/Delivered-Distraction-Getting-Attention-Disorder/dp/0345442318 Best, H-C

I put up some ALL STAR bp #'s toward the end. They took it every time I went to a walk in clinic to pick up a few days' worth to fill in the gaps. My cholesterol was through the roof from all the binge eating as well. At the time, I was somewhat proud of how hardcore I was (sacrificing myself "for the cause" at work). That is some SICK thinking! BP is all the way back down to normal again, and cholesterol is coming down. Anyway, to the original topic: a few months in. I took it before going with some friends in college, got blackout drunk, got thrown out of a party, broke some guy's nose who gave me shit for it on the way out, then got gang-beaten by his friends, suffering a pretty bad concussion. I woke up the next day to my then gf nursing me back to health. Then I took more Adderall. Part of me knew something wasn't right about that situation, but it took me another five years before I accidentally lit my car on fire and ended up in rehab. Cut off your prescribing doctor/psychiatrist. Tell your family about your problem. Take the first step. This shit will kill you.