ashley6

That's really great you shut out the doctor wanting to prescribe you klonopin. And amazing that you quit the Ambien. The research I've done on quitting klonopin cold turkey sounds like it's downright dangerous. I've been on it for 7 years, so I know my body has a dependence for it. I don't even like it. I'm an extremely anxious person by nature, so it does help in that regard, but finding alternative methods of combatting the anxiety is my next step. I've also read that being on benzos long-term can also create more intense anxiety that benzos were meant to aid with. I'm glad your memory is improving!

MFA, I saw somewhere where you posted you quit taking Ambien. There way too many threads to see where it was, but I'm curious as to how that's going. I'm really starting to think klonopin is hindering my recovery, mentally and energy wise. I've talked about wanting to quit it for awhile, but lately I've started to focus on my moods after I take it to see if it has something to do with it. It just makes me feel there, but kind of numbs my happiness sometimes. I know this is a known side effect. Was it difficult stopping the Ambien? Did you taper?

Searchingsoul, I want to second what neversayneversaid. You came on this sight and put everything out there. I wish I had your insight at 20 years old. For someone that doesn't feel comfortable opening up to people, you've made huge strides doing that here, so don'pt stop posting. You have to find your own way, and that's what you're trying to do. We'd love to see you off of adderall, pills flushed, but as a previous slave to those pills, I know how tough it is. Mix that in with an ED disorder, and it's a lot on your plate. I wish I could pay for you to get the help that you need, unfortunately I'm broke Stay strong, girl.

Cassie, Those stories had me rolling laughing!! Hahaha. Hahahaha. Glad we can laugh about this stuff now.

That first part was meant towards quit-once, not sky. I don't think you can edit posts on your phone. Just woke up from a nap...little groggy...ha.

Sky, It's funny you say that because a lot of people I know are surprised that I even have that fear. I think adderall really had my mind jacked up so much and a lot of the fear came from the anxiety that caused. I mean, I've registered and not gone to this public speaking class 101, like 5 times. InRecovery, Wow that sounds exactly what I would've done, only I just avoided the situation altogether. I can just imagine trying to do that on a shit load of adderall. You were probably swearing profusely too, since adderall tends to cause that. Ha. Our first speech is "what I believe." She wants us to do a presentation on something in our lives that has shaped who we are and how it affected our belief system: whether it be in God, another higher power. Can anyone guess what mine will be on?!

I agree with you. Finding the root of our issues isn't going to be that helpful. I mean, if we knew the cause of them, it doesn't mean we can rewind our lives. Totally get that. After quitting, I had to start dealing with the issues that were already there, just find a way to move forward and actually face them. You've been dealt some tough things in your life, and it's great you don't view yourself as a victim, but those things surely have had some impact on you. Wait, this just clicked. Your mom was an alcoholic? If she recognizes your issues, she'd have to recognize her own. No wonder she doesn't want to face it. She's got to have guilt about being an alcoholic when raising you. Maybe she doesn't want to face that she might have some responsibility? I'm not saying she is responsible, but we addicts usually have a lot of guilt, especially after being clean and seeing someone of the havoc we've wreaked while using. I could be wrong, just a thought.

Neversaynever, It's wonderful to see how much progress you've made this far. You're thinking with the sobriety mindset, and doing the trudging that has to happen. Searching soul, I guess the only way to find out if life is better on the other side is by trying it. It sounds like you and me have a lot of issues that were never dealt with, so adderall has been the mask. I, for much of my life, didn't feel normal. I was suicidal my freshman year of college, dealt with depression and anxiety much of my life, without adderall, and if I would've had the balls, might have gone through with it. It got much better then the following year I found adderall. Coincidence? I don't think so. The thing with getting sober is that those underlying issues have to be dealt with, or we're just drug addicts that quit using, meaning the addict mindset is still there. It's really a rebuilding process that might take (good)counseling and learning new ways of dealing with life. Something was missing all along for us, and that's why adderall had such an appeal. Life can get better, but it takes facing up and DEALING with the issues that got us to this point. I'm not trying to speak for you and your thoughts, just basing off of what I've read from you in your posts. I hope this makes sense.

Ok, so a huge reason I didn't finish my college degree is because I couldn't get myself to take public speaking. I thought then it was just my anxiety, which is definitely there, because I have social anxiety, but I'm learning now it was because I was tweaked out. We all know the paranoia we felt and having people focus solely on me....no thank you. Well, I'm on my way to public speaking now. Am I nervous? Hell yes. Would this ever happen if I was on adderall? Hell no. Steps in the right direction, even if it's freaking uncomfortable.

Neversaynever, That's so sad about the death. That could've been a lot of us. 23 years old. So young.

Wow, that's a lot of money. I wish I could do the math for money I've saved by not using adderall (still smoking), but I don't think my drug dealers gave receipts. I'd guess I've saved thousands already. That's interesting, quit-once.

Neversaynever, Recovery is so boring for awhile. You just go through the motions, and the anhedonia in the beginning is difficult to get used to. I'm just now figuring out things I enjoy doing in my spare time, because I forgot for so long. I've said this on here before, but it meant a lot to me. I was talking about how boring everything was after being clean. Nothing excited me, and somebody said to me, "Ashley, life is boring." It was kind of an aha moment, even though it's so obvious to "normal" people. Obviously, life has exciting aspects, but the day-to-day stuff isn't fun. Doing laundry, which felt like so much fun when using, is a chore. It's unnatural (and weird) for that to be fun. But we can't experience the natural satisfactions life has to offer if we're going a mile a minute doing stupid things that have no meaning on adderall. I feel ya, girl. You're doing them, sober, and that's all that really matters right now. So very proud of you.

InRecovery, Congraufuckinglations. That is awesome and gives me hope!

Searchingsoul9, My question to you is, do you WANT to quit or are you more just thinking you should quit? There's a huge difference, and without the desire to decide the negatives outweigh the positives of adderall, I personally don't believe any detox or treatment center will be of assistance. When I say want, I'm saying are you truly are willing to go through what it takes despite your fear of living without it? Want makes it sound fun and like it's all peachy. It's the gift of desperation that I finally reached, and it's still been the hardest thing of my life (maybe my life hasn't been hard enough). Just some things to think about. Having that many pills on me, it would've never worked for me. I still work on it a day a time, and that's all I can do, but life becoming real again has been awesome.

MFA, I dreamt like crazy in early recovery, still do actually. I really think it has a lot to do with sleeping in a coma-like state, maybe longer periods of REM? (I don't know how that all works). I rarely remembered my dreams on adderall, because I wasn't getting real, quality sleep. Too bad they're freaking nightmares, though!! Ugh.

Quit-once, That dream, um, nightmare sounds way too real. Don't quit spending time on the forums, please!!! Maybe all that talk isn't productive to recovery, and I started the thread, so I kind of feel responsible. I know I hate those fucking dreams.

Good. For. You! I'm sure every one will be so glad to see you back. I'd give you a 3-week chip if I could. Let us know how it goes. I know you'll be representin' us well.

Thank you, girl! I'm used to dealing with pharmacies, but when I was fucked up, all i wanted was my Rx. Hell yeah, I've got my DARE shirt packed

I just went to get my anxiety medication filled, and I had them open the pills before they gave them to me, because they've given me little orange pills before that look straight up like adderall. I told them the truth, I'm a recovering adderall addict, and those pills look too similar. You should see the looks on their faces. They think I'm nuts. I'll do what I have to do to protect my sobriety, though, embarrassing or not.

I think I need to read "On Speed." I've heard so much about it on here.

JFK was getting Ritalin injections during his presidency. After Jackie Kennedy found out, she told the doctor to stop because of the crazy side effects, but then he just snuck the doctor into the White House to continue behind her back. Cassie's right. Speed addiction is nothing new.

Recently prescribed Adderall and tempazeman (a benzo) before the shooting. Interesting. What a tragedy.

Dare t-shirts for our Vegas convention! Count me in!

Quit-once, Wow....really?! How'd you know that?

Recovery isn't fun, it's hard, and exhausting a lot of times, but with time it does improve. You haven't given yourself enough time, and like InRecovery said, this is your addict brain talking.