Jon

HI Robin, I'm so sorry to hear that you stumbled on some pills when unpacking spring cloths and took them. It happens! Don't let it take your whole quit down. You have been so strong for so long. You know that I am in the same place as you; tired of being tired, near zero energy, terribly unmotivated, depressed that you want to hide under the covers all day. PM me and we can talk about this. We can support each other. We both used for so long that I believe it will take us longer to realize the return of some strength and energy. The curve for us will be longer simply because we used longer. My heart goes out to you because of this and I guess I am saying the same to myself because I am totally frustrated with my progress. Somehow, I maintain resolve and I think you do too, overall, even after this brief slip. It is nothing more. You are still on track for a complete healing. Consider trying another doctor. Side effects of Lexapro includes drowsiness, but Wellbrutrin is supposed to be activating. I don't think you should have ever been taking them together. Have you ever tried the Wellbrutrin alone? Let's talk again soon. You are going to be all right.

Pure ANXIETY!

NOW brand is a very reliable brand for 5-HTP and many other vitamin supplements. It is in capsule form, so if 100 milligrams is too much for you (leaves you groggy the next day), you can take the capsule apart, measure, and pour the powder on your tongue. I started with a third of a capsule, measured by the short end of the capsule, and it helped me sleep without feeling groggy the next day. Host Defense Lion's Mane is the brand Quit-once recomends. I believe he has had the most success with it. I tried it, but used it inconsistently and therefore did not experience the benefit.

Is having high expectations the same as seeking perfection? I think it is. We addicts seek perfection. Why do addicts and perfectionism go together? Because perfectionism is a compulsive behavior. And there is a pattern of progression. And the consequenses become more serious over time. It's another addiction! The sooner we can choose to live in the middle, the sooner we can have the things that are really important to us like intamacy, peace of mind, joy or freedom from substances once and for all. These ideas were taken from the book Overcoming perfectionism, finding the key to balance and self-acceptance, by Ann W. Smith. I'm still working on it too. I can see that it clearly isn't worth it, but it takes work to break free from the cycle. I recomend the book for the exercises it offers.

Good for you Z! Try to determine that this therapist is a good match for you personally and also with the goals you want to achieve. This is no easy task. Ask prepared questions. Write them all out. What do you want to get out of therapy? Ask the therapist if they have experience with addiction? What kind of therapy do you like to use, cognitive, behavioral or another type of therapy? Try to determine if you like this person OR if you think that they can really help you. Don't be afraid to shop around. You could visit three different therapists and get something of value from each visit, but one therapist might be a clear standout for you. Remember they all want your business. Good luck!

Be sure to read Mike's articles on how to taper off Adderall and how to quit cold turkey. I believe that those aticles will address your question about advice. Knowing the using the drug hurts more than the tiredness you feel is your key to freedom. After 12 years of use you must be pretty tired of using. I know I was. I found a way to quit through this site and you can too. Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. You can do this!

I'm smiling as I read all the posts because this is such a happy thread. This is a terrific little community we have here. You were the first one to reply to my first post and I can remember clinging to your kind words of support. I was afraid that you might leave the site and I would have to do this all alone. But you stayed and I am so grateful for it. Thank you for staying and congratulations. It's great to see all the growth you have produced in two years without the pills.

I think having adderall in the mix makes diagnosing anything difficult. Even after quitting, the body goes through so many changes. It really clouds so many issues. I hope you stop having them. I hope you stop taking adderall.

I am happy to see you coming to terms from a place of acceptance. You wrote a great letter to adderall. Thank you for sharing it. Maybe now you can move forward with your thesis. I wish you all the best in that daunting endeavor. You certainly possess the skill to write it.

Great job on your finding pills and not taking them. Those kinds of things can sneak up on anyone. You built something by passing this test and I believe you are stronger for it, should it happen again, and it probably will. Congratulations on Day 16!!!

I would still be on the adderall merry-go-round and all the negative stuff that implies or I would be dead from a heart attack. So, yeah, you would still be careening towards a disaster or worse. The obvious truth is that it would be an easier path to use in the short term. But, there will come a day when using is so exhausting and you have forgotten who you are, that quitting or dying will be your only two options. It's called a low bottom. Just how low do you want to go? You always have a choice whether to get back on that old merry-go round again, but the hard road, the high road, is the better choice.... not the easy choice.

I think there is a lot of mental medical justification for taking pills. I have seen through the veneer of "prescribed by a doctor" ....... especially after stopping. I don't think I would have gotten started at all if I had to get my drugs on the street. I used speed sporadically in college and never got caught up in the web of addiction. I would take a pill that was probably the equivalent of 25mg or 30mg's of speed. It was so hard on my body and my mind that I was totally relieved when it was over. Nothing I was drawn to at all. It was not until a doctor prescribed the medication at low dosages (5mgs) that I could tolerate it on a daily basis and my usage crept up from there, the doctor smiling all the while. "We can increase the dosage to as much as 70mgs a day." I don't think it is acceptable to be weaned onto an abusive drug, with such little concern, by the medical establishment. A psychiatrist holds the trump card when it comes to this addiction. My family doctor protested the long term use of it for the first few years, then just gave up. I hope I didn't get too far off topic.

Great article! Thanks Cassie. Thank you Johns Hopkins University Bloomberg School of Public Health. How did you go up against big Pharma? I applaud your courage. I found this quote interesting: “This is the first time to my knowledge that the idea of a BMI rebound after discontinuation of stimulants has been reported.†I was particularily impressed with the term "rebound " and how it applies to all of our recovery symptoms. New adderall adage: And so it was given, it shall be taken away at many times the price.

z, I am so sorry to hear that you lost an account. I feel your pain. I am in a very similar place with my work. Please don't be too hard on yourself for this mishap, especially at this early point in your recovery. You have made good strides already and we love you here and don't want to see you unhappy or lose you to a setback. I like what Quit-once says; take solace in Mango and let this disappointment go. We can't let our perfectionist tendencies rule us anymore. Get that book that hyper-critical recomended: Overcoming Perfectionism by Ann Smith. I am learning so many things about myself in that book. Take gentle care of yourself, and if not for yourself, do it for all of us here who are going through the exact same recovery challenges. We are creating a new life for ourselves, not just away from adderall, but from the things in us that led us to adderall in the first place. Hi Mango…..

InRecovery Thank you for your honesty and bravery for talking about this here. Each of us used an adderall counterpart drug. One drug was used to treat another drugs side effects and another one used to treat the side effects for the second drug. It can become a complete medicine chest full of drugs and a sticky spiders web of addiction. We are addicts. Anything can become addictive for us. We need to steer clear of the BIG trouble makers (google top 10 addictive things). I take xanax too and look forward to learning of your of your success story. It seems that I am afraid of just about everything these days, even of getting out of bed. **Quit-once, I stopped gambling when I was 19 years old. I went to Atlantic City Raceway and accidently hit two trifectas. The adrenaline rush lasted for days and scared me to death. I had some kind of guardian angel in my body or brain because I've never gambled again. It could have easily gone the other way. One time I had to go into a casino to pick up a person who had called a cab, (I was a cabbie for a few years), I felt nauseous and overwhelming sadness for what I saw. Poor people gambling away money they couldn't afford to lose in a place glittering with diamonds.

This poem is so apt for so many things that pertain to quitting and the struggle that follows. Letting go of the good feelings we had on Adderall; happiness, drive and confidence, etc. Letting go of our expectations after quitting; the Adderall mindset. I see letting go as a practice, one that will carry us forward. Thank you LD for sharing this beautiful poem with us. I printed it out so I can have access to remembering to let go of whatever is keeping me down on any particular day.

Cassie, I read Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn and took the 8 week stress reduction program, while I was still using. It was at the very end of my using and it was a challenge to make it through the course, but the drug did give me the power to focus. The classes were offered on Sundays and that worked for me because I work shift work, which I can hardly do anymore, but having a job at least provides my day with some structure, even if I hate the structure. Shift work sucks! It's on the list of known carcinogens. I have to say that taking the course was awesome!!! It completely relieved me of stress, anxiety and depression. I was going through a really bad experience with my boss who was bullying me into an early grave. This bullying had been going on for years, giving me stomach aches and thought of suicide. The meditation practice cured my stress, anxiety and depression and due to a company restructure, the bully was demoted, so he is no longer my boss. Since quitting, I haven't even tried meditating because it takes so much brain to stay focused on the breath and it doesn't take much to tire me out. All I can manage is about 12 breaths when I am laying in bed with anxiety, but still too tire to get out of bed. Granted, I'm gun shy for trying almost anything that takes effort, since I think I will fail. I am experiencing the total loss of confidence that Mike talked about in "Your Challange." But, just maybe, you have planted a seed. Thank you for contributing this suggestion. I hope it takes root in me. I can testify that it works wonders when practiced with commitment. When I took the stress reduction program, I was 100% committed because I was accountable to the class and the teacher. Things always work better for me when I am held accountable. I am on my hands and knees begging that this quitting process will loosen it's tight grip on me in every facet of my life.

Thanks for checking in LD. You are off to a nice start. How to you do hiking therapy and work full time? All I can manage is hiking on Saturdays with a friend. We hike, then go out and share dinner together. It's the highlight of my week. The brain is the main organ of recovery, with the gut being a close second. It is a big challange for me too. I hate running out of brain, which I never knew was a condition until quitting, but there it is. I used to read two newpapers a day, now I read none. I am so relieved that I don't have to go out and pick up a newspaper off the driveway that I have no intention of reading. I can still read my favorite magazine every month. It's called The Sun. I am a member of a small Sun discussion group. I believe that these practices, reading and discussing help my brain recover.

Occaisional, A thread wrothy of a Mary Oliver poem. I hope you like it. Wild Geese by Mary Oliver You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -- over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

Cassie and Quitonce talk to us with the voice of experience. I hear the echo of healing ringing off the distant cliffs. I’ve had all of the challenges that quitting a speed addiction can throw at someone in early recovery. I still have very little energy and I’m sleeping 12 hours a day when I can get it. I hate it, but I am starting to have the desire to push myself a little harder and I am reaping the small but significant benefits. I’m 8 months into this thing and I expected a lot more, but it is what it is. Yet I kick and scream dragging myself through most of it. (And please, no effing congratulations on 8 effing months. Maybe at one year I’ll throw a party and invite everyone. I prefer to measure my milestones in progress, not time. I’m not discounting anniversaries. It just works better for me this way. Thank you for your cooperation.) I think the reason I expected more is because there are so many young people on the site. Young people can recover from anything….fast. I’m not saying that it’s easy for them, but their youth makes them more resilient. Then if a comparison is made after reading a post, I have just hit a pitfall. It’s a critical error, and I make it all the time, even though I should know better. We all get frustrated with this thing, this Adderall mentality, until one day it will be gone, vanished. I believe that with all my heart. I’ve experienced it while overcoming other addictions. I believe that the future holds days where I won’t think with the Adderall mentality anymore. I have faith in this healing. That doesn’t mean that I am immune from having a relapse. I will always have a weakness there. We will all carry that weakness with us for the rest of our lives. "Every recovery experience is its own animal." Quitonce. I think this is a very poetic and practical way of saying what we are going through. Just as every animal has different needs for survival, so it goes with each of our quits. How fortunate we are to be able to share it.

Congratulations Jay on completing your first 30+ days. I might as well say it now: Congratulations to you and wife on your new baby. I can't think of a better reason to stay sober.

Hey LuckyD, It's already been said, but you are encouraging others! I love the hiking therapy. I had to haul myself out of bed today for a dentist appointment. I was exhausted, but I had time to kill before going to work at 3 PM. I drove into the park to get my 2014 State park sticker and figured heck man, your here. I managed to find about 90 minutes worth of snow cleared paths to wander. Even though I'm still tired now, I feel really good about getting out and breathing some fresh air and getting some exercise. I would love to hear more about what your life coach psychologist had to say. My biggest challange is getting out of bed while working the off shifts. Having that frightening feeling that I'll miss the dentist appointment does the trick, but what can I use to motivate myself when I don't have any commitment?

Congratulations on 2 months freedom from Adderall. It's a big step in living life chemical free. I find weed is powerfully addictive too and it's better just to stay away from it completely. Good job with that too. Please let us know how you are progressing through your Adderall recovery and thank you for sharing your story.

I lost coffee after 2 months. I couldn't drink it and not get really bad reflux. That was a hard hit, so I feel your pain. In the long run, it will be just another bad habit ditched. Substitute tea. I've been drinking green tea and ginger tea, Vita blend tea and my new favorite hot drink (no energy, just a feel good drink) White Miso soup with tofu in a 20 ounce cup.....ummmmm delishious! I also strongly recomend a product called Zip Fizz energy shots. The 4 ounce bottles ( fruit punch flavor only). The other flavors don't taste as good. It's loaded with vitamin B-12 and the other usual suspects for energy like, taurine, caffine, green tea extract and ginseng extract. It gets rave reviews at Costco.com where you can buy it by the case. I'm sue you can find it on other online places. I've never sen it in stores. Even Costco stores don't carry it. They carry the ZipFizz powder, which isn't as good as the liquid energy shots. Use your fortitude to push through this difficult pahse. You will get past it. It takes time and patience. Keep up the good work. Both of you.

Welcome to the forums Faust. If you find the drug useless, then quit...for good. Engineer it, plan it, do it. Remove your mask and do something about your lonliness. There are lots of lonely people who would love to have your company. You just have to take the initiative and get to know some of these folks. You can start making friends right here. Playing yo-yo with speed is a losing proposition, so get rid of your Vyvanse stash and cancel future perscriptions. Congratulations on day 3!!! Keep posting. Good work!