Zerokewl

Oh well a pack of American Spirits and some Coffee isn't the end of the world. Just a lapse not a relapse.

Sounds like you are having a rough week. I'm not familiar with Lamictal , but based on your writing in this post you seem overly stressed. Maybe getting a second opinion from a different doctor may help. I'm going to start a new relationship with a new MD this fall. I'm really impressed you've managed to raise children and hold down a job while going through Recovery. Every parent feels they are not doing enough to help there child. The fact that you are so upset means you are doing a good job as a parent. Just keep trucking its almost Friday.

Thank- you 1Bad88, Cat, BookWoman,Jon ,resetBrain. Your advice and support means so much to me. You are amazing people and while the road to recovery is not easy. With every post we get a little better. Thank-you and may the force be with you.

I've been drinking 3 shot americano's twice a day and smoking about 20 cigarets a day. Probably contributing to my general rage mode. I really need to address the coffee / smokes. I'm working on a branding project for a tea company this week. The bedtime tea is crazy powerful. Learning lots about tea... try Dragon Pearls if you can afford them. Also do not brew green tea in boiling water. Brew at 80 degrees it burns the tea.

Thanks Jon & Reset, I've been getting some work done in the last week. Actually sitting down at the computer and pumping out code. So I think this freakout is just part of the getting started stage. I am fully in the Rebuilding stage. I'm certain the job offers/contracts will start flowing this fall. I used adderall to numb the pain of losing my job. So mourning its loss is just normal stuff. Upwards, onwards, push, pedal and punch I'm gonna hit 120 days. I've been trying to get back into my old schedule which was frantic pre-adderall. I think slowly reintroducing tasks is a better approach.

I felt better after posting it. I've just been focused on the past. This whole experience has humbled me. I can't focus on the past I need to live in the present.

Before I did adderall I was a successful advertising executive working for major media company. I had a nice life things weren't perfect and I wanted more much more. So I took the wonder pill and for a few weeks things were great I had intensity and focus. From there I went completely insane. I worked towards getting fired from my job and start a new company focused on world domination or something. Ok the job sucked and I wanted out. I was fired with sort of an honourable discharge... but in a industry that gossips ALOT I really think I've ruined my reputation. I haven't had a steady job in 8 months. I'm working on some freelance projects. But I'm still really trying to find my work groove. Everything i'm doing takes me a long time. I'm still really angry at myself about losing my old job. I made so many strategic errors. I just feel like such a loser. I can't stop thinking about. am rebuilding but I just tossed away my 15 year career in media. I want to move I try to move on. How do you move on?

I'm trying to finish a website and branding project this week.

C10Q10 + Ginko Biablo. Having a pretty productive day and I think this combo is helping.

Easy does it. Just get through the day. I was really crazy for the first weeks.

21.8

I've been hanging out with an ex adderall buddy. We meet at the pub once or twice a month. He was someone I used to get pills off of. I learned how to crush and abuse them for quicker highs from him. He's able to spend 2-3 evenings a week at the pub and manages to work a busy media job+ 2 small kids. All while being tweaked out and high on a bunch o stuff. Everyone knows it or suspects it. I really notice the drugs effect on him. He's really slim and good looking which annoys me given his sedentary lifestyle while I am out doing bootcamps,cycling,walking etc. Young interesting art school girls fall all over him. He actually told me one night that after reading up on some deep ZEN breathing exercise he no longer needs to sleep. His addy logic is bizarre his mantra is "better living through chemistry". He's says everything is great. But I know that reality is different. He's had some really scary health issues over the last few years and his marriage is just for appearances. So he takes comfort in drugs and alcohol a private hell. He texts me the most bizzare things at odd hours. When this guy finally does implode I don't want to be within a 50mi radius of ground 0. This is the only time I miss the drug. But idolizing his life style got me in A LOT of trouble. I just can't keep all the lies straight in my head the way he can. While I was skinner, more focused, with an perfectly organized sock drawer. I made ALOT of strategic errors , was tired and gaunt and I behaved like an asshole. Generally I was in a really bad cycle. I got clean for me and I feel much better. All I can really do is pity him and pray he sees the error of his ways before it is too late.

Adderall makes you think your better, smarter, faster. This is the lie the drug tells you.

Jon, I like the idea of choice points. I really gotta quit smoking. I'm going to meditate on my choice point tonight.

Kerouac was an epicdly tragic drug addict / alcoholic . Your going to need to take more than a few addy's to achieve Kerouac levels of tragedy. If you are really gonna do this you need to start drinking and smoking heavily. How are you with being homeless? Also you'll need to start doing heroin. Or you can find some literary role models that lived to be 90, drank tea, and enjoyed every minute of it. Probably a lot more common.

I can relate to this post. I'm really struggling to find my work groove after adderall. I am working from home for the time being and re-learning how to work without addy's. This process is re-programming the brain and dealing with the issues we had before adderall. So it is super healthy that we are in this place. ADDLawStudent, if I was hiring a lawyer. I would want to hire a strategic creative thinker not some tweaked out billable hours monkey. You will be a better lawyer and professional for going through this difficult phase of life. You will have the advantage of having organic and free range mind grapes. The most successful lawyers I know are master networkers, imo you should try starting a study group and start creating relationships. After all its not what you know its who. Ocassional, thanks for these great tips. The timer thing really helps me. I've been working with a herbalist and she recommends the following: ginko biablo 160-180mg 3 times a day for ADD. L-throsine morning B-12 evening V-C morn + larger dose evening c0Q10 morn + larger dose evening D3 evening meal high quality Green tea ( Don't like green tea? You are probably brewing it at too high of a temp. Green tea should be prepared at 80C just before boiling). Tea is a different caffeine buzz so try alternating with coffee. Lately I've been playing brain games like chess etc to improve my cognitive abilities and focus times. If you ever want to meet online to play chess for 20 mins let me know. If you use chrome this extension StayFocused helps me by limiting my recreational web activity https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/stayfocusd/laankejkbhbdhmipfmgcngdelahlfoji?hl=en Anyways I should get to work. Thank you for posting ADDLawstudent and Ocassional

this post is making me hungry

praying for you.

just don't hurt your hand punching

10.8 so far this week

Yeah I can totally relate. A change in life caused my Adderall use and recovery to really spiral out of control. Also the dosage amount really doesn't seem to impact recovery time/ pain. You are through the worst of it. Minute by Minute you are getting better.

Jon, I agree more study of this needs to be done. I watched Newsroom last night a fast pace HBO drama, that I absolutely loved last season. Following the fast paced plot almost gave me a headache. I really felt exhausted after watching it like I stretched my brain. I still love the show but I feel like i missed a lot and had re-watch the episode again. Like your cochlear implant experience. I think we need to do regular "brain stretches". Like an athlete recovering from an injury . Over my recovery I've been playing a few video games on my iPad , I'm going to source some cognitive games over the next few days to play. Do you have an ipad? Maybe we can compete. I used to really enjoy chess we could meet online and play. Liltex, Thanks for your encouragement. It's sorta in my nature to rage against things. My recovery is going well. I'm certainly better than I was three months ago. I told my mother last night what was going on with me. So I am staying with her for a few weeks. I've got the time to recoup so I'm taking recoup'n seriously I guess. As is my nature I suppose.

Congrats man. Are quit dates are pretty close. I've really enjoyed your posts over the last few months. I look forward to celebrating 3 months, 6 months etc .. with you. As for you stash I think you should in case in concrete and throw it in a lake. Or pack them into some fireworks.

Congrats on getting off the stuff. I'm 90 days out I've experienced some pretty serious psychosis over the last 90 days including severe depression, rage and some very dark moments. I've been drawing and doing artwork to deal with some of the negative feelings. I've found this made the time pass quicker. I'm really not much of an artist but I find the process soothing. Playing with legos seems to help too. Your body and mind need time to recalibrate. Passing the time is just part of the recovery process. Getting off this crap is FUCKING HARD , Keep 'on Keeping on dude. Read some posts on this site from members early in the recovery stage and later in the recovery stage.

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. Jon your comments mirror my own experience. Even before I used addy's I was a very productive member of society. The last three months i've struggled to accomplish even the most basic tasks. I've done almost nothing but watch Netlix, doodle, bike,smoke and make vague attempts at cleaning my apartment. I've never been so unproductive in my entire life. I want to do things I make plans to do things and fail. I really try to have a productive day. Everyday gets a bit better. This process is like starting a locomotive. I'm learning to enjoy the process. Reading this website helps, talking to people, HAN (Hydration, Activity, Nutrition) . Confidence and motivation are improving daily. Minute by minute. am getting better. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, I'm not getting back to my old self. I'm creating a new self. A new confidence. I wish this process was quicker. But I believe I am laying a strong foundation.