Motivation_Follows_Action

blesbro, congrats and thans for keeping us updated with your progress. This theme, motivation & task management, seems to be a big one around here these last few days. It got me wondering if anyone really doesn't ever struggle with this? Maybe it's called being human.

Hey sky welcome back! Was aggression something you struggled with before adderall? Or on it?

It's sad that you took adderall to try to be more conventional, if I'm reading your post right. What do you think led to that? Everyone wants to be accepted and loved and made to feel special, so I'm happy for you that you have a supportive family and people around you who care. And that you are embracing your uniqueness. And for telling adderall where to go!

Ok who's next? (Boo quit once for not representing his gender!)

Today I learned that amongst this forum are some of the strongest, bravest, kindest people I've ever met.

Hey everyone! Chat's starting now!

Just my opinion, but I think to diagnose someone this early in recovery with anything is too soon. You're gonna feel all kinds of shit! And you are getting to know your real self again. But I'm out of my depth here, maybe someone else has experience with this... sorry...

Totally agree with Ashley on this one! Think of it like finding a good hairdresser or personal trainer or something - the first one you try may not be for you. Maybe the best approach to finding a good counsellor is to figure out what you want to get out of counseling and then go "shopping". To me, chemistry is really important but so are the methods he/she uses; what his/her client load is currently like (too little = bad; too much can depersonalize it); and most importantly are they qualified and experienced in helping people work through the issues you want to work through with you. Maybe the first step is to write down in simple phrases the 3 things you want to get out of therapy. I talk often to my therapist about this and sometimes (I'm a hard ass), I tell her how I think we're scoring on those things together! Interesting that you've been thinking about rehab. Maybe there's an outpatient program you can do? I'd definitely explore it if you can afford to...

Holy cow! That's DEEP! I consider you our resident dream interpreter from now on!

Hi Leila, Thanks for coming and sticking with the forums. If you stay here with us it might help you, because right now you're probably at the tipping point of deciding whether you just want to go back to your old ways and justify or rationalize your "need" for adderall, or whether to push through and actually quit. You've done a great job listing all the reasons why you hate adderall and hate yourself on adderall. And I won't be shy about it, yes you are not the person you should be while you're on adderall. And you may not recognize it now, but trust me you will later! All those things you mention are things I experienced too, and I remember thinking 'it's not me, it's the circumstances or someone else's fault or I know better' which is what happens to your illogical brain on adderall. I fought with my husband incessantly when I was on adderall. He tried to track my dosage once and I went totally apeshit on him and ended up finding the most convoluted ways of hiding it from him (e.g. got to the extent that I used to empty the bottle in to a bunch of hair extensions that I kept in a hat box, because I knew he probably wouldn't look there etc etc), and oh the number of times I felt like you - desperate, sad, empty, always in a fog and never ever happy but thinking that I couldn't get through if I didn't have another day with another pill. Yes, it is pathetic. Yes, you are a junkie. Your husband must be really lonely right now especially as he is probably so desperate to connect with you, the real you that he fell in love with. I am a big supporter of cold turkey, but for you given that it sounds like you're already depressed I would recommend you to be really, really careful. I wouldn't want what happened to me to happen to even my worst enemy. It was a living hell. I wonder, if you really want to break free from this disease and learn to live independently off adderall or other substances (as it sounds like you've had a problem with them for a long time) maybe rehab is an option? Stay with us, let us know what you decide. But remember another day on adderall is another day further away from yourself. You have to make a decision what to do sometime. Please ask for your husband's advice, and LISTEN to him. And for the sake of his dignity, do apologize for your behavior because he was only trying his best and you crippled him in his efforts. The only reason I feel so passionately about this is because the same thing happened to me, and others here know this but I feel like I really broke him down. I came home one night and he was in tears, saying he didn't know me any more, this was not the life he signed up for, he was so lonely. I remember thinking at the time, "I should be feeling something right now, this is bad" but not managing to muster up any emotions, my tweaked-out brain just couldn't compute what was happening right in front of me. Let us know what you decide, and for your marriage, do apologize to your husband. He tried really heard to support your efforts to quit and he's probably afraid to do it again. We're here for you and you can do it! It is going to take a TON of commitment though, and you can only rely on yourself there. Not your husband, or your shrink, or your counsellor. Just my 2 cents.

Let's see some men on this one... c'mon guys, show us whatcha got! Actually now the challenge is before me, it's harder than I thought! Here we go (and in similar fashion, it's off-the-cuff) I'm accepting of people and pretty easy going I love to learn new things I get along well with lots of different types of people I can be funny and fun to be around I listen HARD and I can be a good listener I am honest and trustworthy I work really hard at whatever I put my mind to My experiences have made me richer as a person and I am grateful for them I have nice eyes, and I'm told they are "piercing" which I think reflects my no-bullshit approach to people! Ok shy now, who's next?!

I'd never heard of the "SAU" before. Great idea! I'm on a roll doing stuff right now as it happens so I won't break it, but just wanted to say thanks for this one. Good one!

SS: what other medications are you on?

We all struggle with motivation and getting shit done, whether we're in recovery or not. And those of you who have ADD/ADHD this can be a real struggle. Remembering what's on the to do list can be really exhausting if you don't have a system that works for you. I don't know why it didn't occur to me sooner, but there's a really great book and philosophy about the art of time and task management by a guy called David Allen called "Getting Things Done". It's super simple and decades old, but it still seems to work: Here's a good summary: http://lifehacker.com/5986867/david-allen-explains-how-to-master-your-to+do-list Basically the concept is that if it's in your head, write it down. Spend time doing that and then figure out categories that work for you. For example, a previous boss of mine had a "5 minute" folder on his email that filed emails that would take 5 mins or less to respond to or take action on. Then, if he had a spare 5-10 mins before a meeting, he could get this stuff done. Etc etc. Before, I've had lists of "phone calls", "personal", "projects", "family" etc. Any other helpful tips on time or task management are welcome!

You made me smile, R&R. I think a calendar is a good idea, it is tough to keep track for yourself and others and we can suggest it to Mike. Meanwhile, feel free to use this forum to be your tracking tool if you need! You can start a thread for yourself entitled "Rev&Rush's Daily Tracker" or something and post in it every day, or you can start new threads each day with the Day number in the title. Whatever works for you. Just don't be shy about posting - whatever works on getting you through each day.

This is a real epiphany, Occasional1! Is it a new realization for you or one that's been there lurking for a while and you're just mentioning it to us now? Also I like the phraseology of what you call it. I'd just called it "passive rebellion". I certainly suffer from the same thing, only for me I have over the years become defiant even to my own to do list. Seems that over the last few years, if I wrote it on my to do list, I would subconsciously attempt NOT to do it. I don't know what that's all about, and it has to change. I blame my convict heritage ha ha (defiance and disregard of authority are pretty deeply embedded in my culture), but yeah of course that's a cop-out. Unfortunately when I was on adderall this didn't really change, especially as the addiction really took hold. At the beginning it was great because I LOVED being organized and subconsciosly knowing I was "cheating" at getting things done made somehow the task, whatever it was, irrelevant to the fact that I was being so bloody productive. But over time, as your thinking degenerates and you hyper-focus on all the wrong things and begin to lose perspective, I started concentrating with all my might on things that were distracting and "fun" (like shopping and packing for my next trip and rewriting emails a billion times over and buying loads of filing storage thingies and rearranging my notebook and writing thank-you notes, but no real MATERIAL work). This hasn't gone away entirely, and I have to get on top of it. Although I'm not wasting time on "false productivity" (and I've stopped spending tons of money on useless crap), I still rebel against my own to do list. The only thing that seems to work for me is when I set my sights REALLY low and tell myself if I can get done 2-3 things today then it's a winner. Here's where my username comes in to play. USusally I find once I get going, the momentum keeps me going. If I've done the one or two things I promised myself I'd do, sometimes it gives me the tailwind to keep going. I just have to be careful not to "give myself a break" because that usually ends up with me on the couch for the rest of the day. Thanks for the thought provoking post, Occasional1, it's useful!

Starting topic will be tips for recovery, but all discussion welcome! We're a friendly bunch so please join if you can, no matter if you've quit years ago or are just considering it. See you there!

That very cute gif of "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" reminded me of a lovely movie I watched on the plane this week, called, "Hachi: A Dog's Tale" which is about an Akita dog who was so loyal to his master that he sat at the train station every day for 9 years waiting for his master to come home, after the master had died. It's based on a true story. Here is the movie (tearjerker, but really simple and lovely): http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/Hachi_A_Dog_s_Tale/70118677?locale=en-US Here is the story behind Hachi: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hachikō

Never heard of it, sorry! Interested if you try it what results it yields. How's your quit going, Mikey?

SO TRUE! Isn't it nice to be living in a house of chaos, laughter and empathy; rather than a tidy but clinical house with no soul?

You know what, Ashley? Im going to join you. Starting tomorrow. 12 miles seems like a lot but I know we can do it! Hope you don't mind if I tag along?

You certainly do have a leadership quality, lady luck! You influenced your household to take adderall and now are looking at the monster you created. I'm sorry that feel lonely, but I'd recommend you use your leadership skills and apply them to leading your own recovery process. You'll very much need to stand on your own two feet through this which will be tough. As you know, one of the things that Mike says on this site is how important it is to have people around you who will support you and understand what you're going through. Sounds like you're going to be surrounded by people who will be the opposite of that. Also, just in defense of my teammates here on the site, I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who wanted you to fail... quite the opposite, we do wish you well, but we also recognize that you've got a long road ahead and part of that road is recognizing that the negatives FAR outweigh the positives. I'm not saying you haven't done that, but I guess you didn't lead with that, so maybe we were misled. Keep us informed on how you're doing. Tell your friends about your quit. You never know, maybe you'll be leading a revolution in your own home.

Awww, thanks so much guys. So much love from you all! You know what? There really is nothing quite like the feeling of accomplishment and getting your shit back together in a really tangible way after being totally disabled by adderall. If I can do it, anyone can. You just have to want it enough, and be patient. And forgiving of yourself. Someone said on here once, learn to accept that the shittiest of something is better than the best of intentions and no action. I think back to my first interview after quitting (about 6 weeks after) and I was a wreck. But with practice and patience and work, my brain is slowly coming back and so is my confidence. Of course none of it would have happened without this site. I've said it before and I will say it again - you people helped save my life. Literally. THANK YOU!!!

You guys have been with me every step of the road from my depths of depression and desperation through nervousness and anxiety as I've tentatively approached the job market after my magnificent crash and burn a few months ago that was fueled by adderall. For those that are new here I'll just summarize in bullets: 40 years old, successful career in 4 different countries traversing industries but mostly investment banking/consulting Started taking adderall in 2009 for a variety of reasons, including weight loss, was doing two jobs (after collapse of the markets everyone was doing 2 jobs), thought it was a wonder pill Became immediately dependent. Work started to suffer after about 9 months on adderall, was erratic and overly focused on the wrong things, became super political and made bad judgments, eventually lost job in two prestigious firms because of this Most recent career move required 70-80% travel, which is where adderall addiction really took hold. After just 4 months on the job went from taking 40mg/day to up to 90 or 100mg/day. Started experiencing "late stage" addiction traits - sleeplessness, loss of motivation, severe introversion, eventually amphetamine psychosis and delusional behavior (was in another country when this happened which was even more weird). Got fired. Quit cold turkey on October 25, 2012 Hospitalized ~3 weeks later after I quit for attempted suicide (depression hit like a ton of bricks, I had no idea what I was in for really) Focused only on recovery from then on, and finding my way back to the job market Relapsed once for a job interview, didn't get that job Finally, was approached by a consulting firm and needed to go through a series of interviews and a case study for a role that only comes up once in a blue moon. Was shitscared, this forum was so helpful and gave me the support and confidence I needed. I remember SO much of the advice given here - way beyond the addiction stuff to real life advice. I'm pleased to say.... I GOT THE JOB! They called last week and let me know over 150 people applied for the position, and they were thrilled to offer me the job. They said they'd never seen anyone better in the case study!! Not only that, but I also was approached by and interviewed with another consulting firm and went through the whole case study thingy again, this time in a much more formal setting... I'm pretty sure they are going to offer - but I will turn them down. I got the job I want! It's not in finance (which I never was really in to anyway), it's for a firm I really respect and I was nothing but myself through the whole interviewing process. So, I really feel like I'm BACK! I am so glad to know I did this without adderall. I couldn't have imagined things working out better. I have learned so much and continue to learn so much every day through the awesome people on this forum, so if this were a real community and not an online one, I would take you guys all out for a drink and raise a toast to the team who got me through the hardest period of my life. I begin in April, so now am really motivated to get healthy, do my admin shit, the next chapter in this unfolding journey, and I honestly feel ready to face the next challenge life throws at me. I know this journey is a lifelong one and that I'll be faced with a whole set of new challenges in my "new life" with my new career, but I am just really grateful to have learned so much about myself. I will never touch adderall again. I honestly believe things have turned out for the better because I faced my problem head on and went through (and am going through) the pain of withdrawal and PAWS and recovery and all that shit. You learn so much about yourself when you discover what you're really made of. Oh, and cold turkey was the only way I could have done it. I know I never would have quit had I tapered. Thanks for hearing the diatribe, and here is to you, my awesome adderall quitting team!

Hi Leila, welcome to the forums. If you're serious about quitting, and you believe the fear of quitting is less painful than the fear of what staying on adderall will do to you, then you've come to the right place. You certainly sound like you're living a pretty unhappy life right now - you don't experience joy, or fun, or have time for your family like you used to. Adderall has turned on you, like it does for most of us here. Not sure if you saw this, but you sound like your addiction is a little more advanced than you'd like. Maybe stage 4 or 5? Have you had any other side effects? Maybe you want to think about the advantages and disadvantages of quitting now, or staying on adderall, and share with us what you come up with? It might help you turn your cry for help in to a plan to quit!