Motivation_Follows_Action

Good point. I'm afraid I get just too irritated by that kind of attempt to goad us. I've become very attached and protective of this community! While we are all passionate because we really wouldn't want anyone to go through what we've gone through, enough is enough.

... and I gave you a scientific account of what does happen with prolonged stimulant use/abuse. What more do you need? If you're looking for accounts of side effects, there's a search bar in this forum... if you type "side effects" you should be able to find a whole bunch, but to make it easier on you, here's a few I'd written about earlier. Loss of skin elasticity, wrinkles Loss of color in skin/pallid complexion Hair loss, loss of condition and shine Thin, weak nails Watery or dry eyes Dark under-eye circles Runny nose "Rudolph" red nose from facial flushing Cotton mouth, dry mouth Chronic teeth problems caused from constant dry mouth (e.g. cracked teeth, stained teeth, sensitive teeth) Grinding jaw, this can cause permanent damage Constant headaches Bone pain, lower back pain Lack of co-ordination; spilling things, tripping over or bumping in to things Need other drugs to come down (Xanax, Ambien) Extreme irritability, sometimes leading to violence Irrational thinking, insistence on being right regardless of the topic Lack of ability to prioritize Feeling "slighted" by people ZERO sense of humor Cannot see the big picture in anything, lose interest in seeing it at all Confusion over simple mental tasks Wasting time Wasting time Wasting time Paranoia Lack of empathy Isolation, desire to be alone Hate talking on the phone Weakness, shortness of breath Risk of seizure Raised blood pressure Risk of heart attack No desire to exercise or eat healthy food Extreme dehydration, stomach problems, GERD Increased desire for tobacco & alcohol High risk behavior (other drugs, risky sex, gambling, shoplifting) Delusional thinking, sometimes lying to self as well as others Inability to listen for long periods of time Loss of short & medium term memory Loss of balance, vertigo Speech issues: stuttering, inability to “find the right word”, or “clamming up” Hoarseness/loss of voice Not following through on promises Lack of personal organization Ringing in ears Depression Suicidal ideation Cutting ... add your own...

Completely off topic but isn't it funny how spell check autocorrects to "adder all"? Very annoying I know but good to know I'm not the only one!

Hey let's start a thing: if ever you come across a stray pill, or you want to TRASH THAT STASH, I want you to take a pic of it in the toilet and send it to the forum pages. We can create our own meme. Crushed pills in trash cans, in toilets, covered in acid or detergent... whatever will be your method of destruction.. will be awesome to see! Your encouragement of me after yesterday's "incident" has given me a boost to keep on, and I think everyone should feel that good when taking positive steps.

Since you seem so terribly clever, and we are honored with the task that you have only deemed somewhat appropriate for us proletariats given your lack of response from Mike, I have taken the liberty of inserting some text from a BOOK. The reason I have done this is because it is highly unlikely that you will take anything away from the recommendations here from real, live people who have experienced the horrors of addiction to this drug. We are not weak or stupid. So here is the text. It's from a book called, "on speed". Maybe you should read it rather than playing video games. "In the 1960s, psychologists adapted Skinners methods to study the dependency-producing qualities of any drug as a behavioral rather than physiological issue, by setting up experiments so that animals could dose themselves by pressing a lever. ... Cocaine proved the most addicting of the stimulant drugs: once hooked, a monkey would compulsively press a lever 6 THOUSAND TIMES for hours, just to get a single shot. Monkeys on cocaine would inject themselves with the drug almost continuously if allowed, eventually bringing on epilepsy-type convulsions, and then continuing to press the lever as soon as they regained control of their movements. this went on for several days until the animal collapsed. if not dead, the exhausted animals would sleep continuously for a day or two, eat or drink a little and then begin another binge. They gnawed their fingers off, lost interest in food, wasted away, and pulled out their fur in the monkey counterpart to the "crank bugs" that speed freaks imagine infesting their skin. Tested the same way, amphetamine and methamphetamine showed all the same effects. Given access to enough amphetamine, any rat, monkey or man would eventually self destruct." So, dear kite runner, we will be here for you when you eventually self destruct but we sincerely hope you don't. Despite your condescending attitude, and misuse of the time and resources of people on this forum, we wouldn't want to wish amphetamine addiction on anyone, ever. We do actually hope we see you here sometime soon, because that will mean you haven't utterly destroyed your life through your addiction and you believe there is hope in your future. Good luck to you.

No you most definitely do not want to do that! Neversaynever told her pharmacist never to give it to her again, which I thought was super brave.

Ashely, good question, and you're all over me like a rash lady! (a nice rash though if that's possible?!). I did this very weird thing about 3 weeks in to recovery where my husband really wanted me to trash the stash, but I just wasn't ready yet. I don't know why, but I remember reading that addicts sometimes like to have a reminder of their temptation right there in front of them, just so they know they do have the willpower to resist it. Anyway, I had one of those extra large prescription bottles filled to the top, of every type of adderall: 10mg, 20mg, extended release... this thing was stacked! I took the bottle and put it right in the middle of the coffee table in the living room and removed anything else from the coffee table. And that's where it sat, for 3 weeks. Every night, I would sit there with my laptop and it would be in the corner of my eye. When I took a nap on the couch it would be the first thing I saw when I woke up. When we ate dinner in front of the TV it would be sitting there amongst the soda cans and take out containers. Then, one day I just got tired of looking at it, so I unceremoniously dumped the entire thing. It was such a non event (oh, except when my husband came home and, after plonking himself on the sofa, looked up and saw it was gone... he looked at me like I had just murdered his puppy... it literally took me dragging him in to the bathroom and showing him the empty bottle for him to believe I'd thrown them all away)....anyway... I think everyone has a trash-the-stash story, so now you've heard mine. And to answer your question, I don't have another stash lurking somewhere. I have seen random pills around the house early on but none for a few weeks, that is why it was so surprising to see that 1/2 20MG pill today, the little fucker.

Regarding amphetamine psychosis, I really only learned about it when I started doing research through this site... actually it was InRecovery (AWESOME DUDE) who pointed it out because I had no idea what was going on. I do believe it takes different forms for people, but the classic things you describe are pretty bang on: hearing things, seeing things, doing crazy paranoid things. For me, I was overseas for a work conference. I had been working and partying hard for a lot of days consecutively, had no sleep, and it was super late. After several hours of drinking and smoking, I kind of transformed in to a different person. Started making up all kinds of shit about my life, telling my own boss I had a "secret life" outside of work, hinting at all kinds of weird American Psycho-style stuff. I believed I was a different person, talking in a different scenario, if that makes sense. Of course a lot of the shit that I made up about myself was not only fucking nutso but totally illegal, so I was fired the moment I got back in to the office from my trip. The thing I learned about Amphetamine Psychosis is that it is very similar to schizophrenia in how it presents itself, in fact during the early days of the drug's use, that's how doctors would diagnose patients. There is a lot of research on this site about the phases of adderall addiction, so do some reading and scare yourself silly... whatever it takes not to do the stupid drug. YOU CAN DO IT!

Your symptoms sound very similar to mine toward the latter part of my addiction, when I was basically starving myself, extremely dehydrated, and felt like I literally couldn't function without adderall. Not to scare you lady, but the next thing that happened to me was amphetamine psychosis, which I wouldn't want to wish on my worst enemy. You literally lose your mind. I pray you don't let that happen to you.... and even though you might think to yourself, "oh no, that is only for crazy crack addicts", I'll just remind you of how similar our circumstances are: I started taking adderall to lose weight, I was on the same amount daily as you, I have a history of eating disorders, a difficult relationship with my parents, years of self-image and self-esteem problems, a tendency towards neuroticism and paranoia, a trend of blaming myself for everything, and almost all of the physical side effects too... the list goes on. Just remember you have us to support you. Just try, if you can, to take it one day at a time, and listen to the advice from everyone here. As you have seen, the people on this forum have saved my life and stopped me from relapsing. Show your mom this site. Let her in on what you're going through. Go to bed for a few days, really, you're not expected to be yourself for a while and that's ok!

Ok you guys, here. Proof, along with the old familiar hand signal telling it exactly what I thought of it! Edit: sideways, sorry...

... but I didn't, thanks to everyone here. Here's the background. As you know I am neck deep in the job search, and it's stressful to be "on" all the time when recruiters might call or all the endless networking that's required to get in the door at the right places. A lot of people who knew me from before have memories of the "adderall" me, and there is some reputational damage I have to overcome. So a lot of the time I have to avoid negative self talk, and force myself to believe that I WILL find the right job for me! Anyway, so it's about 11am. I am sitting in my study at home (which is a frickin mess as I haven't had the energy yet to tidy it) and I am looking for a post it note. I open the top drawer to my desk and sitting right there like a little fucking temptress is little orange 20 MG pill. I can quite honestly say this is the first time I have really seriously considered relapsing. I thought to myself, "oh the afternoon will sail by", "you won't need a nap", "it'll give you the confidence you need for that phone interview". It was like a scene from a movie... I just sat there looking down from my office chair in to the open drawer, staring at it. For a long time. Then I thought about this forum. And I remember saying on here once that there is one promise I will never break as long as I am here, which is to be honest with all of you people. And I thought about what I'd have to do after I took the pill, which is to come on here and tell all of you. And what a disappointment that would be, both to myself, but also this wonderful family that has provided me with such ongoing support. So I closed the drawer, and got on with my day. Just thought you should know.

Overachieving on adderall? Never! Sounds like you are staying strong, which is great. I think you're right to be concerned when you go back to school, you will be not only fighting all the additional work and classes and new situations, but you will be going back to familiar surroundings where you were taking it before. Try to see if you can come up with a plan to ensure you're prepared for those situations, so you' won't be popping the little orange pill before you have a chance to tell yourself not to do it... Just a suggestion. Stay strong.

Me too, that's one of the main reasons I come here all the time... it's a great motivator, seeing all the successes that come to people who have totally turned their lives around. Kyle's running, InRecovery's B-School, Ashley getting through college, Cassie sticking with her job, etc etc etc... it's really inspiring...

I have a randomness with names. Sometimes I will just blurt out a name of someone for no reason, or be referring to them but call them a totally wrong name even though I meant to call them their real name. Today at a networking lunch I was thinking of someone and I called out someone's name that was completely different and that I literally haven't seen for 9 or 10 years. Weird.

I read this. Not one of my favorites, was written in a frantic, kind of deeply negative, cynical way and kind of hard to follow. Maybe that was the point... because that's what people's brains are like on adderall. But I just didn't think it was compelling literature and it felt like a bit of a "trendy" thing to write. If you feel like good first-person narrative and commentary on modern day life and culture I'd recommend David Foster Wallace....

Maybe it's your depression? Krax, what do you get enjoyment from?

Read this: "Anxiety is the most common of psychological complaints, not only the clinical condition that applies to the most people (nearly three of every ten Americans), but, it's often said, a universal and insoluble feature of modern life. Everyone has it; everyone must deal with it. While the corollary to this is that everyone's anxiety is different, shot through with idiosyncratic concerns and confusions, the experience is unified by its painfully hermetic character. Anxiety compels a person to think, but it is the type of thinking that gives thinking a bad name: solipsistic, self- eviscerating, unremitting, vicious. My walks to therapy, for example, were spent outlining with great logical precision the manner in which my state of mind would lead me to complete existential ruin. A typical line of thought went something like this: I am anxious. The anxiety makes it impossible to concentrate. Because it is impossible to concentrate, I will make an unforgivable mistake at work. Because I will make an unforgivable mistake at work, I will be fired. Because I will be fired, I will not be able to pay my rent. Because I will not be able to pay my rent, I will be forced to have sex for money in an alley behind Fenway Park. Because I will be forced to have sex for money in an alley behind Fenway Park, I will contract HIV. Because I will contract HIV, I will develop full-blown AIDS. Because I will develop full-blown AIDS, I will die disgraced and alone." Sound familiar? You are really under the grip of really bad anxiety, you poor thing. It's paralyzing. Read this, and please please please get a therapist? http://www.npr.org/books/titles/155355908/monkey-mind-a-memoir-of-anxiety?tab=excerpt#excerpt

You know what would be really cool? A book written by regular contributors to this forum.

Big fan of Sam Harris. Not for religious types though.

Rick, how are you feeling? You posted once... and were 11 days in, which isn't easy, please tell us how you are doing.

Neversaynever, your sense of humor is coming back with a vengeance! And you write really really well, I can tell you'd be fun to hang out with -- your kids are lucky!

Ashley I hope you didn't read that first post, because I did, just now, and not having known you from April last year I can honestly say I don't recognize, even from your writing, the girl in the first post. It's amazing how Adderall strips away our ego, sense of self, our pride and dignity. I remember reading that dignity is one of the cornnerstones of humanity. Adderall strips away your own self dignity. Anyway, just wanted to congratulate you again Ashley for the amazing, tremendous journey you've been on. Truly inspiring..

Sorry one more thought. Can you find out if depression runs in your family? It may help knowing you're not the only one. When I quit adderall and told all my family members, all kinds of secrets came out... I knew my dad was (is) an alcoholic, but I also found out that both my maternal grandfather was depressed and i had an uncle on my father's side that I never knew even existed because he committed suicide. Depression is genetic. As is having an addictive personality, to a certain extent (although honestly it doesn't sound like that's a problem for you). Hang in there.

Here are my thoughts, in no particular order: 1) You are depressed. All the symptoms are there - crying, sleep problems, lack of taking pleasure in normal activities, etc. Depression is a curable, treatable illness for 90% of the population. And there is nothing to say you can't get over your depression, if you seek therapy and with the right medication. Of course I personally don't think Adderall is at all the right medication, but maybe a good antidepressant might be (btw I don't know much about Lexapro but I do know it has awful side effects like impact on libido and weight gain, so maybe that's not helping). Do you have a good therapist? (not just the person who writes your prescription, but a really GOOD talk therapist who will challenge you and help you learn more about yourself)? I honestly believe that with 6 months of good therapy and the right meds you will feel like yourself again in a bit. 2) You are scared... but let's face facts: you are a JD. NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU. I understand the pressures of law school and the Bar -- I used to work with a lot of lawyers and bankers and my own husband is a lawyer, so I know how trying that period of life can be. My husband still has bar exam dreams, and he's been practicing for 8 years. But that period of your life is over, you were successful, and there is no evidence to suggest that you haven't continued to be successful since then. Be careful not to think in disastrous, fatalistic ways or you will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. 3) If you are indeed telling the truth about your adderall use (ie how much you were taking), the chances of you doing permanent damage to your brain are precisely ZERO. You are a smart person, so think logically and do some reading about it. Read the books on the reading list in this site, and the concepts about PAWS and withdrawal and neuropasticity - they will give you a lot of hope; not only because they are fact-based but because you'll feel better having done the research yourself. 4) you sound like you are placing A LOT of undue pressure on yourself. Without sounding trite, you should forget your family's background, others' expectations of you, and focus just on what you want and can be. Swim in your own lane. This may be a season of slowing down a little, settling in, enjoying life and embracing your newfound security. Life doesn't have to be about driving driving driving every second. Even superman becomes Clark Kent for a bit. Batman goes to his cave. You get the point. 5) Use this forum, to rant, express fear, question, challenge, all of the above. 6) Take a vacation. might sound like a joke but actually those who have effective work/life balance demonstrate better work performance than those who don't. We're here... stay with us... you're going to be just fine.