lea

First and foremost I have to say you guys are all da bomb and I so appreciate your feedback. I told my doctor and he was not shocked. I pay out of pocket so no insurance involvement. He asked if I would be willing to do random drug screens and I said yes. I hate myself for lying (to everyone) and it will take a long time to earn people's trust, which I can only do by actions. I know why they say 'how do you know if an addict is lying -- their lips are moving.' I guess I feel a little better for being honest. I just want to restore my dignity as a person. You all have given me a lot to think about. xoxo

Hey guys -- I need to put this out there because I am scared shitless to talk to psychiatrist about abusing ADD meds. Two weeks off ritalin will be a great milestone for me, and 2 weeks I never care to repeat ... I've done a ton of reading, writing and talking about this with my former AA sponsor and feel confident in my resolve to get on with a life without stimulants. Thanks to all of you I know it will eventually get easier, but the voice of the addict is rearing it's ugly head, even though the horrific memories of my last 3 day binge are still very fresh. I long to be healthy so my spirit can rise from the depths of destruction and lies I have perpetrated on myself and others. I want to live an authentic life so badly, which means coming clean with my doc. Any advise on how to do this ??? Thanks!

Yoga Nidra looks great - thanks!

You are so right about this which is something I often forget. It's funny because I was watching a movie - "open water 2" ( 3 couples go sailing on a big yacht, jump in the ocean for swim and can't get back in the boat because they forget to put the ladder down... ) and I'm thinking damn - this one chick really rocks a bikini -- but then when they are in dire straights the chick who rocks the bikini is the first one to completely unravel, and I'm thinking -- damn -- I'm jealous of the chick rocking the bikini ?!? In the scope of things and especially when the going gets rough -- how one looks in a bikini is irrelevant. Not that I don't still strive to look my best and be healthy but really it's what's going on upstairs that counts, which is the basis of connecting, which is what's ultimately getting me clean. Connect with people vs connect with the addiction, which happens when I isolate. And being in the moment is key. So thank you once again Motivation, for another great pearl

homeboy bill w I had the same issue being a druggie in AA - I always felt disingenuous saying alcoholic since etoh had never been my d.o.c. hopefully my message didn't convey a diehard follower of everything 12-step -- for me it's been helpful for the most part, I agree with sky though that counting is not for everyone. I have equal opportunity respect for any program that keeps a person clean because that's the bottom line.

In my experience - AA and NA count clean time by # of days abstinent -- you either used a mind-altering substance or you didn't. People can reinterpret this based on say, drinking alcohol when your drug of choice is addy -- but this is generally seen as denial since living a 12-step lifestyle does not involve use of mind-altering substances for any purpose, recreational or otherwise. Individual circumstances ultimately determine whether a lapse becomes a relapse and sponsors are helpful with this. In my opinion, living by the 12-steps is a healthy way to live - addict or not. When I work towards following these principals my focus is shifted away from isolation induced misery and more towards being part of something bigger - life, giving back, getting out of my head, social and spiritual aspects of life.

Day 10 woo hoo !! Spacey day for me too but able to focus attention intermittently when I had to. You go girl!

Hey - Welcome. I know exactly how you feel re: weight gain. That fear has led me back to meds many times. If I could take them like a normal person I'd be golden -- appreciate the benefits for ADD, help me focus @ work etc... After a while though 20mg/day was not nearly enough - I found myself taking more and more just to get thru the day, and the night -- until I blew thru the entire script and had to cold turkey until my next doctor's appt. At first that was maybe a week, then 10 days, then 2 weeks and by that time I had found additional supplies "just until my next appt." Unfortunately I was not able to put them down which put my addiction in overdrive. I also thought it was my secret weapon for staying thin... but I never really lost weight other than a few pounds which I'd immediately gain back. So I had to go cold turkey and honestly it hasn't been that bad (10 days!) I think that's because the abuse got so bad I thought I was going to die. You are so lucky to be in good physical shape. I think that's the ultimate replacement of 1 high for a far superior one. I used to be heavy so body image is always an issue. I still obsess about being skinny but I think the meds fueled that obsession. I loved the high of not eating all day and not being hungry but eventually I'd have to eat to fall asleep which meant eating 80% of my calories late at night. It's also great that you have a supportive boyfriend. I wish you strength on this journey and would love to hear how you're doing so keep checking in.

words to live by ... That's great NSN! You are a true inspiration.

Big hugs to you MFA -- you've been such great support to me in the short time I've been on this site. Not just your comments to my crazy posts but I've gotten so much out of reading your other posts. You can never undo the amount of work you have done which makes you 100 steps ahead of the game. You know what to do and the best advice I can give you is to get right back up into abstinence and recovery asap. It's going to be so much easier that way. You are human and everyone fucks up every now and then. Don't let that define you. If you learn something from this experience it will make you stronger. xoxo

well... for parts of the day I feel fine. I continue to berate myself for not taking care of anything I've procrastinated but was reading one of Mike's articles on the site today about planning. If I planned to do 2 things a day that would be 2 more than usual - both an and off meds. I was productive on meds in the beginning but in the past few months they just gave me a cheap excuse to sit around all day doing only the bare necessities... just barely checkin' in.

Oh hell yeah ! I too became glued to the computer screen and online shopping was my gaming -- when the UPS boxes started rolling in (several a day) I would open them and seriously wonder what the hell was I thinking??? A total waste of time I will never get back, and subsequently wasting more time having to return things. The procrastination of reality didn't bother me because I was so obsessed with the high followed by doing damage control I had no brain cells left to think about anything else. Thanks for reviving the memory of that shit-storm! As much as I've procrastinated over the past 8 days of detox I am determined not to let this experience be in vain...

get some shizz done - lol -- I'm inspired and giving myself 1 hour off the couch and see how much shizz I can do!

There are a number of therapy databases online where you can find a shrink by zipcode and areas of specialization ... e.g. they write a paragraph or 2 about themselves and types of therapy they do just to give you a sense of who they are. Then you can call and speak to them and if you think it might be a fit, see if they offer free consultations . Then the real test is in-person. Finding a shrink is an interview process -- if something's not right then move on to the next.

SomedayDreamer you're so not alone. Day 8 for me too and totally lacking motivation and berating myself. I feel completely overwhelmed staring down the massive piles of work and other things procrastinated --like everything important. MFA is a great mantra!

hey it's the "most read" thread in the forum ! I really do relate and I know a lot of other people do too.

Good one -- what is it about addy that brings on the OCD on steroids ?!?!

I don't miss feeling like a rat in one of those experiments where they keep relentlessly pressing a lever for more drugs, even after physical exhaustion ... I'm 7 days into quitting and although I feel pretty bad right now (exhausted, depressed, slug-like) -- I will never forget the wired feeling of desperation that led to the big flush. I do have hope though thanks to reading this forum. Now get busy on those post-its!

damn -- looking for some inspiration and completely blown away by this. So many similarities, especially in the worst of times -- it gives me optimism for a positive outcome if one can endure. I hope you know your brutal honesty is very much appreciated.

It's been 7 days and nothing I've experienced so far has been as horrific as the constant mood swings when drug wears off and constant battle in my head about should I or shouldn't I pop another pill -- lost that battle bigtime. Then the internal dialogue becomes all about getting more, praying I don't OD, feeling like a failure etc... So excellent job Cody being off the drug a month and a half! Have you started to exercise yet? I haven't but know that once I do it will be a huge improvement. I hate that the stronger part of me chooses to wallow in misery (right now). From reading this forum it seems like a lot of ups and downs in early recovery, or should I say lows and lowers... but a definite upward trajectory after a few months to a year and beyond. So I'm trying hard to keep my eye on the prize... which you think would be a no-brainier knowing how bad I've screwed up my life in the past few years. Unfortunately the addict is very much alive and well so I wholeheartedly agree with using withdrawal memories as motivation.

ok ... well... I guess I'm stickin with good ole yerba mate

Me too -- what the hell!

I love this! In fact I've been looking for some kind of measure to chart the recovery process but not sure what... All I know is I need something concrete to show my addicted brain that this is not as bad as the addict tells me it is --it's not the worst thing in the world and it's certainly nowhere near the shitstorm as chasing the high 24/7. Thanks for sharing!

yeah ... I feel the same way only more lethargic b/c it's only day 5 for me. I just feel like crap -- even binge eating while watching 'real housewives atlanta marathon' does nothing for me. Now I have a wicked headache, stomach ache and all I want to do is eat but I can't. My biggest fear is repeatedly giving in to this psychological (because it sure ain't physical) desire to eat will take me back to rit. I think exercise is the only thing that will help @ this point ... because honestly I never want to repeat the past 5 days again.

Hi sky -- day 5 and still going strong. Brain fog still here but starting to feel better. This morning was semi-productive, afternoon went outside, walked to go food shopping and other mundane tasks but felt amazing to be off the couch and out the door on a sunday. I'm very grateful for small or any victories at this point. Working on strengthening commitment.