Searchingsoul9

Just randomly up and decided to flush all 80 of my 20mg pills.... I am an impulsive woman. I'm sure i will regret it in the morning! But, i will be thankful in the big scheme of things,

Thank you beautiful. I know in the big scheme of things...this will seem like a stupid childish fling, but right now it consumes me. I am in the process of finding a therapist now though. The past week has been busy. School, early/long hours, and constant hunt for a counselor. How are you doing?xoxx

yes, in dire need of damage control. Working on it, slowly...but trying to figure how to go about the situation <3

Exactly. It's just such a huge obstacle because it's effecting every aspect of my life. It started off as rebellious fun. The adderall definitely blocked my moral compass, and the alcohol was the cherry on top. Now, i am a paranoid mess all the time, worrying if the people i am hiding this from have found out. It is inevitable, It's been almost 6 months, someone is bound to find out and when they do my life will really crumble before my eyes. Family, work, friends. I probably am making no sense, but the only person i have told thinks it is "cool" and 'badass" what i am doing, but it's wrong and i should feel bad about it, but i mostly feel paranoid and worried for myself. How selfish. Anyways, i am working towards putting an end to the situation. It is just very complicated because i could lose my job.

This was a helpful response for sure. I had noticed a month or so ago that i no longer was losing weight with the adderall, even though i barely ate..i just maintained. And my muscle tone is no longer very defined, but skinny fat i guess. Congrats on the weight loss without the stupid pills! xox

Yeah, being a woman sucks sometimes. But you're right. And i'm sorry to hear about your struggles with it as well.

I haven't been posting lately because it's been a busy week with work, upcoming classes, my moms birthday, going out....etc. I have not been pill free the whole time. I used today. And as per usual it was because i was feeling fat. Not going to wallow on my self pity though. Just pick up, start again. I will be out of my supply soon though. And i am going to end my "relationship" with my psychiatrist and begin a new one with another woman who recomended i get off the as, and try welbutrin for the depresson/anxiet/ed/cigs. Hoping that goes well. I just know i can't go on like this forever. Obviously. I knew that when i started the shits. I just....honestly i've told yall everything about my life except one major thing. But that one thing is a HUGE reason why i keep taking the pills. I am too afraid to say it on here because ...well, this IS the internet and anyone can google anything and find it. But, lets just say i have done something i am not proud of, yet continue to do. So when i wake up in the morning and feel actual remorse for it...i find the pills and/or alcohol calling my name. Anywayssssssssssssssssss. Love you all. I know i am the epitome of "fuck up", but i felt i should update. xoxox

I can totally relate. The biggest reason i find myself unable to fully quit is the fear of weight gain. It's like my appetite comes back with such vengeance when i stop taking the adderall. Even if i kepe myself filled up on healthy foods, i crave sugar, sweets, salty crap junk food. It is so hard. But i believe that if you filled it and are having it sit in your drawer, you must really want to beat this and i believe that you can. You must enjoy working out. So use that to your benefit and go with it. Screw the pills. They eat all your muscle definition and tone anywaysxoxoxo

Hey there. I went to the doc and they said reynauds. But they told me to stop smoking and exercise lol. I go back monday for blood work just to make sure it's not secondary. So, we shall see!

No, i see your point there. i have thought the same thing. And she still is an alcoholic. She just pretends it doesn't count because she is sober all day, and then after work her relaxation time is throwing back 2 bottles of wine. No one is allowed to say anything. If we do she cries and gets VERY defensive. We have to pretend it's all fine. So she pretends my addictions are no big deal either. So does my brother.We just grew up learning to tip toe around peoples feelings and problems.

I have been like this lately, but not on welbutrin. So probably not a help! Just realized after drinking a lot the past week my body is punishing me and not letting me sleep/feeling shitty and angry

Anytime, i know exactly the type of panic that is followed after any type of chest discomfort. It's scary. Glad you are okay. Stress certainly is a big factor<33

Such lovely people on here, how could i ever stop posting?! You're so thoughtful and caring, it really does help me more than you know. I appreciate your thoughts. I always have been an "old soul", but sometimes it works against me due to the fact i am quite cynical but that's just part of who i am. I don't know if you have netflix or not, but i love watching stand-up on there and i watched this awesome act done by doug stanhope called No refunds. it was hilarious, i thought at least. He is me in a man version lmao, some people may find it "depressing" i suppose, but i thought the act was great because it was so true and blunt. Anyways, he even slammed adderall and pharm companies so that why i thought it was relevant.

Thank you for that! It means a lot<3 I wont do any changing, unless it's for the better How are you dear???xoxox

No need for apologies. I appreciate the concern

Hello there friend. No, it is a new doctor. She is very nice, but not a therapist. She is looking into people who specialize in eating disorders for me. YES i REALLY want to quit. But like i said i guess not 100%. Does that mean i am bullshitting you guys? I certainly don't think so. I do want to quit, and i am still making strides and on my way to quitting. I am taper down on cigarettes as we speak...does that mean i am bullshitting myself because i am not going cold turkey? I don't think so, but hey...not everyone can see eye to eye. Question 3. I am not sure if i posted about this or not, but i have talked to my mom. We have been discussing options for the past 2 weeks. She is not the type to come steal my stash though, she is helping me though by talking it out with me and looking for other options as far as counseling and anti depressants go. Question 4. My alcohol use isn't getting out of control, it IS out of control haha (not funny, i guess) But the adderall fueled that for me. And this past weekend i just wanted to drown my sorrows-so to speak. But i am not worried about it. I am not drinking nearly as heavily as i had been the past few months. And i tend not to drink when i am off the as. 5."ED your body is running on pure adrenalin with no real nutrition your fuel is your your adderal eventually there will be no more reserve left in you to function a normal life you will be in the hospital soon not by your own free will butt by your body starting to shot down .I have seen it before with girls your age with ED problems you will collapse and be in that place I call hitting the bottom ED adderall alcohol not a good combination" I totally agree with this. In reference to my ED, i am and have been lying to myself for far too long. I know this. As far as the adderall goes...i REALLY am making strides to quit and today clarified that when i was talking with the doc. My ED, i have made NO effort to quit because it's fucking hard and i am weak. But, the thing is...neither me nor my mom can afford to send me to an IP facility. Money is tight as hell right now. I don't have a way to get myself that kind of help. And like i said, no one around here specializes in EDS. I can go to therapy in nyc though, but i cannot afford to leave school. It is alreayd paid off for the year. I am only in school for this one last semester! I HAVE to finish. I would let myself and everyone else down if i did not. And for me, i think being out of school too long would really fuck me up. I was a lazy, stoner with no goals for a long time and i dropped out of college when i was 18, so i am not willing to do it again. I appreciate your concern though. As far as the docs could tell today, my pulse, and BP were all good. My weight is underweight, but not scarily so. I will keep trying to get healthy

You ok? I don' know what it could be. But i get this a lot. Stressing will make it worse if anxiety is causing it...but i am not doctor

I believe i am in stage 6 or 7. It's scary Reading the final stage. Is that unavoidable? Brain damage and stuff?

Congrats! The best way i deal with my anxiety is just thinking, "There are MUCH bigger things in life than this" "Who cares what anyone else thinks" and "If it sucks, it'll be over soon anyways" haha. Anxiety is debilitating for sure, but the adderall certainly made mine worse too xoxoox

<3 Very thoughtful

Makes complete sense. I've always been an expert at putting a bandage over the emotional wounds, but never really letting them heal. I don't know what exactly was/is missing in my life. It seem silly to think there was something missing ever since i was a child. I hate all the therapy-talk i hear from my mom and psychiatrist about "Finding out what the real problem is, why i chose to be self destructive all my life. Maybe because my mom was an alcoholic, my dads gay, my boy friend was abusive" It just seems like a load of crap to me, but maybe that's because i have never really given it a chance. A big part of me just thinks "I just have and always have had addictive behaviors. Simple as that" But what do i know? I didn't go to school for psychiatry so maybe there is some truth behind the whole 'finding the underlying cause to my behaviors' I just need to find a really good counselor. Not just someone who listens to me talk. Someone who actually gives me some damn adivce hah Thank you!!

I know exactly what you mean. I too am a natural born procrastinator. One of the reasons i started adderall. It's hard to forget how easy and exciting everyday, mundane tasks became on adderall. Eventually though, i assume you will become used to how life really is. How laundry and cleaning isn't "fun". And you will find natural highs in doing things that you love to do.xox

Does it EVER stop sucking though? I know life has ups and downs, yadayada. But is life ever going to be blissful? I mean life always sucked for me for my whole life. It just did, but i worry it'll suck worse now that i've experienced adderall. Life certainly isn't meant to be lived on adderall. No one should feel such euphoria, because once you feel it you compare everything to it. It's a bitch.

Yeah, i agree with this. You need time to really just fix/heal yourself, i think

Sorry i was MIA! I have been working all weekend. Day and night. Haven't even gotten to read any of this until just now. Been in and out of doctors. Wasn't ignoring you all, i swear! hahaMy plan? Good question! Well the plan right now is to get through today. I FINALLY have a day off to sleep and relax, i need sleep. Uhm, besides that i go back to the doctors monday for blood work. They are going to talk to me about getting on welbutrin and getting off the adderall/cigs to try and fix my circulation problems/reynauds. They going to do an ANA and check for an autoimmune disease. Then i start class in a few days. Basically my plan is i have no plan. My mind is a clusterfuck right now. Filled with a ton of thoughts, good and bad. I feel okay though. Haven't taken the pill since my slip up. Been drinking HEAVILY for the past few nights though and living on coffee and little sleep and food. So i need to stop and start being "healthy" again. The alcoholic fucks my judgment way up.