BeHereNow

MFA! You're so cool! Sounds fun!! I think once you get past that initial anxiety, you will probably have a much better experience now that you're off adderall! I used to do the adderall/plane combo on my bicoastal commute, and yeah I got a lot done on the plane but it was super claustrophobic, dehydrating, and exhausting. Social situations too-- havent done much business traveling but I find that adderall and those kinds of social interactions don't go so well together at least for me. Maybe you're different but I imagine you might be able to connect with people better now, and have a more chill experience overall. Waking up is going to suck. But at least there's coffee, and another night's sleep soon to follow. You'll be great! You're so lucky you get to do this!

"Limits, like fears, are often just an illusion." "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."

Headaches are common for taking too much Tyrosine. Especially if you're not used to it. Maybe you're just really sensitive to it. Maybe try a lower dose first? Are you taking B vitamins with it? Certain foods help your body build dopamine too. But really what it's gonna take is TIME. You have to wait it out. Just think of all the time you spent on adderall and all the dopamine and other adrenal chemicals you expended over time. Your body is massively burned out. Do an internet search for adrenal fatigue, I think we probably all wind up with a huge case of it as part of quitting.

I think it's both. Which is true of any skill, even musical genius. You're born with some, but it has to be cultivated or it goes to waste. I don't think leadership is a matter of who talks loudest and has the biggest stick either. There are so many unexpected personalities that I've seen have amazing leadership skills, they just don't necessarily use it in every situation, or maybe they use it in a different way than most people expect. With so many different types of people, and so many leadership situations, there has to be a wide variety of leaders. If that diversity is within one organization,, spread across different areas, I think it's really empowering. That shouldn't take the "too many cooks in the kitchen" form, it's more like one person in the kitchen, one person in the garden, one person researching new foods and recipes, etc. I think a huge part of leadership depends on that person's expertise, how they convey it to others, and how they get people on board with their unique insights into the situation. How a person interacts with other people, and not necessarily in a domineering way, although that's sometimes there too. Many varieties of persuasion, multiple forms of intelligence, multiple varieties of leadership. I don't have an MBA, but I did do a leadership development program (message me if you wanna know which one, it's pretty cool) and got to watch a lot of different personalities develop and use their leadership skills. My 2 cents!

Just read an essay written by somoene on adderall or some other ADHD med. I know she takes medication because she told me. Anyways, WOW this essay! VERY different from most essays, which usually have more feeling, and are more genuine, more chilled out, but are equally high quality. Definitely an A paper. Of course! But knowing what I know, obviously it was written on adderall, and to be honest some aspects of it kind of reminded me of how I used to write on it. The thoroughness, the intensity, with lack of attention to certain aspects of form. Very detail-oriented, almost obsessive-compulsively so. Obviously an intense amount of energy went into it and she was very absorbed in her own thoughts. It was kind of aggressive. She did a good job with it, theres no denying that. Let's just say that there's just something....dehumanized about her writing style. I could just tell as I was reading it (from the first second I saw it) that she was super tweaked out while writing. But at the same time........she lived right up to those academic standards. It sounded way too close to an overly well polished academic journal article. Makes me happy to be off that stuff. I like writing that's a little rough around the edges.

Evie, sorry to hear you're going through all this. I'm definitely sympathetic and I've been through some really bad breakups in my life......I know this must be really hard. My heart goes out to you. I can relate, you're not alone. Some of my actions on adderall ruined a previous relationship for me. But that relationship, I came to realize, was already not working out, it was meant to end anyway, and that's been a source of forgiveness and moving on. I can't blame the adderall, I blame me, the adderall just brought out issues that were already there. (Now that I'm recovering and living well my ex keeps calling and texting me, interestingly enough.....) So here are a few things to think about. You said you don't think you were right for each other. I know it's hard to see now, but usually when people cheat it's because there's something wrong (really wrong) in the relationship, some underlying (or even obvious) issue. Sometimes when people cheat, it's already over...long over, and cheating just seals the deal. You might take some time, by yourself and/or with your therapist, to honestly think through what issues in the relationship--or with you--might have contributed to your decision. That might be a step towards self-forgiveness. Recognize why you did it, and know that there is nowhere to go but forward. Making mistakes, including really big ones, is part of being human. You are not a bad person, but you did make a big mistake. Acknowledge that. Don't let it paralyze you and don't let it be a reason to hate yourself. But acknowledge it. Learn from it. It's a step towards forgiving yourself. (Now this is the tough love part): You can't expect your guy to forgive you. Don't cling to him. Trust me, clinging to him will only drive him further away. (This isn't based on gender roles, it's true of men and women. Give people the space they need, even if it's permanent and no matter how much it hurts, because if you don't give them that, things can only get worse.) Do whatever it takes to stop calling/texting him. Lock your phone in your car, go out and leave it at home, whatever. Don't contact him. Let him go. (Sometimes, when you let someone go, and focus on YOU and living your own life really well, they come back prepared to work it out. SOMETIMES. People do work things out after infidelities sometimes. But the truth is that often they don't. You never know what might happen in the distant future, but don't hold onto those expectations.) To save yourself the pain of hopes that don't work out, and to avoid pushing him even further away by clinging to him and contacting him too much when he needs space, you have got to let him go. Don't pedestalize him or the relationship, just take a deep breath and let go. Trust me. I know this is horribly painful to hear right now, and even more painful while quitting because you need support right now. But you need to find support elsewhere. Friends, family, etc. (Hang around here for support, it's great.) Whatever it takes. You need to focus on you. You will have to find a way to forgive yourself if you're going to continue living your life. Acknowledge that you did this, and possible reasons why you did it, and then let it go too. You cannot allow the guilt from this turn into something destructive, which it sounds like it already might be. You need to stop hating yourself and turn that hatred into love for yourself. You can't expect anyone to love you if you can't love yourself. Focus on living your life, healing, transforming your destructive energies into positive ones. Focus on the better future you have ahead of you, out of this negative relationship and out of the prison of addiction! Live your life well. Stop the negative spiral before it gets any worse. Focus on friends, exercising, eating healthy, healing your mind, doing fun things, work, etc. Date around if it helps and when/if you're ready. Focus on YOU. At this point you have to move forward. I know it's hard to hear. But there's nowhere else to go.

Falcon I'm so happy you're back and doing positive things!! And can I just add that among all the many things I admire about you, the fact that you threw your computer into Lake Michigan is up there! AMAZING! I've had my fair share of crappy computers and I'm sorry you went through all that computer trouble...I had one I should have thrown into a lake LOL...... it must have been so gratifying! Glad you got a new one!

Yeah I agree with QO. That was just a little baby hiccup. It reinforced your desire to stay clean actually, it's not like you even had an enjoyable experience with it. So, IMHO you've basically been clean for 6 months Congrats!!!

I've read a few places its the max safe dosage, though I've heard of up to 10g/day is safe. Who knows though, with all these unregulated supplements. UPDATES: It lasted about 6 hours which I believe is standard. The energy boost faded, but the positive mood and increased self confidence did not crash. I was smiling until I went to sleep. On a side note, I read that you have to use the right proportions of 5-HTP and Tyrosine or else your brain chemistry can become imbalanced. I just ordered some Lions Mane capsules! I'm thinking that this whole combo, plus sleep, exercise, and green smoothies, is what my body's highest wisdom has ordered for fighting writer's block and reaching this finish line adderall-free!

Maybe it was the cloudy weather, or maybe it was a case of the Mondays, or maybe it was the split night of sleep I got last night, but today I was still feeling pretty PAWSy after my time-wasting adventures in PAWs-land yesterday. Took an evening catnap and decided tonight was the night I wanted to try a high dose of Tyrosine. Took 3 grams. With 200mg of 5-htp and a cappuccino. (Keep in mind I have a tolerance to all of these things.) Feeling about a hundred million times better! Not anxious, not speedy, but alert, energized, aware, awake, with an overall sense of well-being that has eradicated all those unnecessary negative thought cycles. I feel like I'm back in possession of something my brain has been lacking for a long, long time.

Haha! Wow! 2.5 mg! That's pretty good.... probably wouldn't do anything.... hahaha by "controlled relapse in small doses" I meant like 20 mg per day, two 10's! In either case it's the self-deceptive addict part of the mind. Part of what got me through my previous quitting process was continually reminding myself I had too much work to do to ever take adderall. Can't get behind, can't burn out, it's 24/7 ride or die. Like you said MFA, the edge it temporarily provides to get us "ahead" eventually always leaves us that far behind. Even 2.5 mg behind!

I want to press "like" about a hundred times, but my quota for the day is gone as usual! Thank you so much for the great advice! Yeah, the blank page is really defeating, and thinking about the size of the project. But it really is all about getting moving. And moving far enough along to where the project takes on a momentum of its own. I did NOT know that having a paper done in advance is the greatest feeling in the world! Mainly because I am the QUEEN of being late and have never yet had that experience! lol! And by that I mean anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months late, and not for lack of effort! So, maybe being adderall-free will help me to get something accomplished faster, because I won't be all hard on myself about it. I don't want to live with looming incompletes anymore. The idea of getting it done sooner does sound pretty good. I think you're right on about that goal. I'm going to go for it! I took your advice and I've just been hanging out typing random stuff on my computer. (OK, it's not entirely random lol, but just whatever comes to mind.) You're right it doesn't have to be good right now, just get it moving. Jamming out drinking coffee, took a bunch of Tyrosine and just whatever comes to mind, I'm writing it down, without thinking about it. YEAH!

HAHA, I forgot to include the rest of the line, which makes it even funnier!: "Smart idea." Exact words. I was thinking it would be a "smart idea" to have a "controlled relapse" using only "small doses." Rationalizing it. You know, to help me get an "edge" on things. LOL!!!! At the time I was fully serious and thought this could work! So ridiculous!

So as I discovered yesterday, red wine does NOT help with writer's block. Quitting adderall DOES seem to help.....SORT OF. It's helping me fire my inner editor, and it's making my ideas more genuine. I'm not all caught in this swarm of ideas that turn into an unproductive, disjointed idea salad that can't come together. On the other hand, (OK I'll just admit it)-- I miss that adrenaline/dopamine rush of getting all excited about a new project and getting started on it, brainstorming, and when I get into the flow, writing up a storm, letting it take on a life of its own. But it's not there yet. I'm working on my first big writing project since quitting, and I have my topic picked out but haven't written too much yet. It needs to be 20-25 pages. Oh yeah, and I have like a week till I have to present it, 2 weeks till the deadline. This will be a huge milestone for me. I would love some advice on how to break writer's block. Things I've tried: -Handwriting with sharpie markers on post-its, notecards and notebooks (helps, but now I have to get it onto the computer and unpack it) -Taking my notebooks hiking with me and writing in the woods (helps somewhat, but also somewhat distracting because I just wanted to keep hiking, take pictures, etc.) -One idea at a time -Wearing a blindfold while touch typing (so I can't see or edit) -I really want to get a typewriter, I hear that helps -Trying to meditate into the sources of inspiration and what I'm REALLY interested in at the heart of it All these are here, and I'm super inspired about my topic and I want to do it and do it right. But there seems to be something holding me back. Is it because of the deadline and the fact that I'm required to do this? I'm doing it because I WANT to, but technically there is someone standing over my shoulder, which makes it less exciting somehow. I'm not gonna say I wish I could pop a pill right now.....though that part is there, I'm not entertaining it. I just want to ignite that fire right now. To jump start it and get it flowing. What's tough is that it's something i LOVE.... so it's not the kind of process where i can say "fuck that frog" and try to get it done and over with while looking towards the end of the day. Some moments will suck but on the whole I need to enjoy the process if it's going to be any good. Anyone have tricks or advice?

Ashley, I have no idea how I'm just seeing this now, but wow CONGRATULATIONS GIRL!! This is worthy of a month-long celebration. You are such an inspiration and just so amazing and empowering and have such a colorful personality, it would break my heart to ever see you on adderall!!! Glad you quit!! You give hope to more people than you can even imagine! <3

It's SUCH a slippery slope..... Glad you tossed it....! I had toyed with thoughts of relapsing a couple weeks ago, thinking I could have a "controlled relapse" on "small doses" taking it only 1-2 times a week or whatever..... Thankfully I with some help I talked myself out of it. What you're experiencing reminds me of what has REALLY always happened to me with relapse. One taste and I'm done. It feels like it helps, and then I fall right back into that mentality. Better to just forget about it-- hate on it!--let it go!--forget it ever happened!

Great advice about relegating it to the background......recognizing it for what it is, and moving forward anyways. Here's another one to add to the list of PAWS triggers. Alcohol! I had read that since it's a CNS depressant it tends to contribute to sadness and depression, as well as anxiety, as the body is processing it. I haven't really been drinking lately, my body just has zero interest --I'll have half a drink and toss it. (Earlier in my recovery I sometimes used to mask the PAWS with alcohol and distract myself with friends, going out, etc. Which worked for what it was and helped get me out, but my tolerance was also higher especially after adderall.) Tonight I had 2 glasses of wine with dinner and well, turns out I'm a cheap date. All kinds of self esteem issues and negative thought patterns. Recognizing this, I tried sleeping it off and didn't wake up for over 3 hours (and had some bad dreams I think). Woke up with the anxiety rush of bad irrational thinking: "OH MY GOD WHAT TIME IS IT....why did I just waste all those hours?.........OMG I'm sooo fucked work-wise (almost started wishing for adderall).......what am I gonna do now, I'm too groggy to focus and I'll definitely fuck something up........why did I spend so much money at Rite-Aid today? (started worrying about $$$).........where's my phone?!......(found the phone) OMG how come I have no texts? Its been over 3 hours what does this mean?! (the worst, obviously! hahaha)......wow, looks like I've gained weight since quitting! But I work out so much and eat healthy! is it because I'm 30? Is it all downhill from here?"...... etc. Blah blah blah. Had to take a walk, but it's probably not gonna be fully gone till tomorrow at least. So, like you said IR, there's definitely a life context set of triggers: pressure, stress, being underslept, not feeling confident in general, etc. And then alcohol set it all off. Gosh, what a horrible drug adderall is if it can mess people up emotionally for so long after stopping!!! I've seen alcohol have this effect even on people who aren't in recovery, So it makes sense that it would be worsened in recovery-- especially with all the self confidence that's so hard to build back. EDIT: In hindsight here's how it went down: It WAS already a slight PAWS day. Brain fog, exhausted and couldn't focus. Not stuck in bed, but stuck in that twilight of neither feeling awake nor sleepy. So by dinnertime, I thought a glass of wine would change that headspace and either help me sleep or help me get to work. Instead it just brought ALL the badness out. Lesson: A cheap date I am and a cheap date I shall remain! Anyone else have an experience like this?

"Like" as in "thank you" lol!!

Aw! Sorry to hear that! (Is it going around again?) That's so frustrating! I guess they creep up on us when we least expect it. At least you know it's just a little dip in the roller coaster. Maybe it was also a case of the Fridays? At the end of the week it's especially tough.....not that that necessarily equals full-on PAWS, but usually Friday afternoons/evenings (and this is true of multiple jobs I've had) I'm absolutely exhausted and have brain fog and feel a little PAWS-y, just done with the week, and either sleep all evening, or sometimes go out early and go to bed early. And on top of all that it's a new job, which probably adds to the fatigue. (On a side note, does PAWS have triggers? Should we start a list of them?)

I'm pretty into the picamilon! I had read that at higher doses people tend to get a huge boost of energy and are really productive but also relaxed. This evening I simultaneously took around 100 mg of picamilon (been building tolerance slowly), 1000 mg of L-Tyrosine, a B-complex, and some caffeine. Oh yeah, and a cookie (pretty rare for me since quitting). This might need to be a daily thing: Went into hardcore productive mode for a couple hours, then went for an hour-long evening run with spontaneous push-ups. Felt GREAT, really inspired energetic happy and positive! This combination (plus healthy eating and sleep and being somewhat recovered) is about a hundred million times better than stupid adderall!

Thanks! And sorry about the PAWS! Sounds like its time to relax and eat some really good food. (Sucks, but least you're not on adderall, because the anxiety of all that is SO much worse on adderall, right?) Right on! Don't forget that they WANT you to succeed. I was devastated by those harsh professors at first, and sometimes still am, but part of it is meant to challenge us. The toughest of tough love. It's not a judgement of you or your potential, just another approach to seeing how far they can push you, and telling you straight up what you could do better. You learn what you're good at in undergrad, and what you need to improve in grad school. Building up a thick leathery skin seems to be almost a rite of passage, and an ongoing process. (I'm going to need to re-read all this in a couple weeks myself btw!) Feel better!!

Ashley was it this video? It's about expanding the ages where they can diagnose ADHD. Or are there other criteria being expanded too? http://video.foxbusi...dhd-guidelines/

I pressed "like" only because of the last line about not taking it again. Sorry to hear about your grade! I think you did better than you or they are giving you credit for. In all honesty I'm sure it's mostly because you drew a bad topic. If you had a good topic, you would've had more ideas and you would've been more inspired. Same for the girl in your class. (Pepsi/coke taste test? Meh....) In grad school I have finally learned to take my "bad" grades with my head held high. Some professors just look for where they can subtract points and don't even see what people have done right. If I did the best I possibly could, and they're too caught up in that competitive/harsh lens to see the quality, then fine, I'll take my B+ and keep moving forward. I kinda feel bad for people who live in that mental trench of cutting people down rather than seeing what they've done that was good. (I don't know if your school is as harsh as mine, but I think there are professors everywhere like that.) Also, on adderall I always felt like my creative ideas were just flowing and good, but afterwards they really weren't (it was all in my head), and I still feel like I lost a certain aspect of real creativity when I was taking it. Then again, it works differently for everyone and we have to accept that we're giving up something that was beneficial in SOME limited ways (I mean we're not dumb, we wouldn't take something like that if it totally sucked.) Anyway, you're amazing and you got it done so it must have been good! Congrats!

Hi Jazzy! 2 months is no small accomplishment so CONGRATS! Thats interesting about the concussion/adderall connection! How much longer do you have until you can work out again? Is there anything mellow you can do for now? Like, yoga or pilates or something? Also, you didn't mention your eating habits..... small things like cutting sugar, alcohol, etc can go a long way. You'll lose all that weight this summer after your concussion heals and your body realizes you're not starving anymore. And anyway, weight gain is secondary to the fact that you've come this far!!!

YES!!! Go Serena!! It's a good thing you flushed it while you had the motivation, because after being months or even years clean from something, just one little taste can be all you need to start down that slope. Sometimes there is a moment of clarity after one little relapse, but after that, if you take it again (and again, and again....) your brain/body chemistry changes and it becomes harder and harder to turn back. Glad you took advantage of that moment before it was too late.