m34

It’s good that you can recognize it’s the drugs. It’s a miserable ride to be on. It’s exhausting and it depletes us. I almost lost my marriage due to adderall. I was just “ done” with our fighting etc. little did I realize I was just numb and blaming him. Once I got off adderall I could see everything more clearly. I hope she can see the light before it’s too late. My husband and I have a great relationship now that I’m off adderall. He also got sober so I think the combo helped us both. It was a tough time getting off and I still felt depressed and like leaving him For the first bit. Once I realized I was just depleted emotionally all around due to adderall I could see clearly. While I was on the adderall I never blamed that for our problems. Our problems felt very real and validated when I was on it. It’s crazy the shift that happened once I got off. I hope you are able to save your marriage. Maybe show her some of these posts so she can see.

One thing that helped me get off meds was finally admitting it was withdrawal symptoms when I ran out or took breaks -not adhd. Over the yrs I would tell myself I needed to stay on /or get back on meds (after trying to quit) because I was so ADD and the “proof” was how I felt off meds. Once I quit for good and got my diet right it’s just not the case. I was going through withdrawal plain and simple. if I have any advice it wouldn’t be quit now . Go through it now while you’re young. Get your life back even if it takes yrs. you will be so much happier on the other end. If I could shake 26 yr old me and say just do it now I would. Easier said than done I know! Try tapering. Some people are successful with that if you look through the stories on here. I was not. I had to quit cold turkey to finally be done

My biggest regret now almost 3 years clean is not quitting sooner. I want the years back. I wasted so much time on the adderall roller coaster filling scripts every month expecting things to be different. It was never different and over time it just got worse. Cut off your doctor. Thats the most painful part, but it may help you finally quit for good? If youre like me you can't have easy access to a script or you will fill it. Make it very difficult for yourself. If I wanted a script right now I'd have to go through a lot of trouble. Id have to find a new doctor and pay to be retested for ADHD etc. Who knows if I'd even get a new script my old doctor could have in my electronic medical records that I had an issue with adderall. All this just helps me not have access. Which keeps me clean.

Thats so true about chasing the feeling. Every experience is more intense emotionally whether its spiritual or just cleaning lol. I think you are right @SleepyStupid Whatever we do on or off Adderall expands. On Adderall certain things (for me)would become an obsession. These days I may be researching spirituality for an hour and move on. On Adderall Id be doing a 7 hour deep dive into the universe and its meaning. Therefore expanding my awareness in what "felt" like an out of this world spiritual experience. Really it was just the endurance aspect and "feeling" attached. Maybe I should attempt to sit for a day and see if I can get back to that state of awareness just by sheer length or duration time spent. I mean I haven't tried to go that deep for that long. Mostly because I blamed the Adderall. hmmmmm...Kind of like how this whole time I never thought I could run 5 miles off Adderall, but now 2.5 yrs later I've discovered I run 5miles just fine w/out. ITs all perception. I really gave Adderall a lot of power.

Hang in there it took me so many times of wanting to quit and trying to finally be done! I think it takes a toll one your body more and more with each binge especially if you've been clean for a while. Its just like alcohol. if you haven't drank in a while and then you drink your hangover is worse, but then you get over it. You will feel better and be back on track in no time. It will not take from all the work you did before. Each time you will be more ready to quit.

The first 6 months to a yr are the hardest. Just keep going and be kind to yourself while you are going through it. It took me yrs of wanting to quit and trying to finally quit. You will never be ready to quit. You will always have a reason, but the sooner you quit the sooner you can move forward with your life. Also, it never gets better on the pills you will always stay in the same cycle until you break it! Cold turkey was the only thing that worked for me..it was hell but so worth it! Good luck!!

This happened to me and I've been on a constant search to figure out why. I'm over 2.5 yrs clean off Adderall... I've come to the conclusion that although the experience may have been very real, its a combination of not sleeping and being in a hyper stimulated state. I'm still very spiritual. However, I've never had the same "GOD like" experiences, and visions I did while on Adderall. It's two things (in my opinion). It's either real experiences brought on by dopamine increase in the brain/ sleep deprivation (possible DMT like) or its just flat out hallucinations brought on by stimulant psychosis. I wrestle with coming to terms with this daily... even the first yr after quitting Adderall I still had vivid dreams/ paranoia and "spiritual experiences. " Now fast forward its pretty much all subsided. I still have synchronicities, intuition, dreams and a spiritual practice, meditate etc. NOTHING comes close to the intensity of the experiences at all. Also, I had my spiritual awakening so to speak in 2012 while still taking Adderall. I'm still pretty lost if it was real or Adderall induced. IDK. Ive also had lights in my back yard on film in 2016 btw. So I know it happened. It can't all be hallucinations. Thoughts? I really struggle with this. I would take weeks off Adderall back then and these experiences would still happen. I think we don't really know how long Adderall stays in our system or the effects of synthetically increasing dopamine may last longer than we are told... I know from researching meth addicts they can have these experiences for yrs after, seeing shadow people etc. I've never tried meth, but we all know Adderall is one molecule away from meth and there are similarities in its effect on our system...

Thank you @speedracer! Btw your posts/ responses have helped me in the last couple of yrs. I appreciate it.

Sorry I’m just now responding @JennyF. I’m still experiencing fatigue and boredom. If I’m being really honest lol. I think that’s also not having any form of escape. No alcohol or adderall. Like I just have to live my life every day. The great thing is whenever I feel great, and I do have great days... it’s all me. I know I’ve worked for it and can thoroughly enjoy the peace of mind I have now. Instead of the synthetic euphoria or joy adderall use to create. It’s definitely worth it. I do still have to work every day on creating motivation and just doing a task. Thanks for your response and sorry for delay!

I officially made it to two yrs clean yesterday. I never thought this day would come. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m def never going back to adderall. I’m so grateful to have hit two yrs. if anyone is struggling keep going. It was worth it all to get to where I am now. I just made more money than I have in many years. My relationship with husband has improved. I’m just in a good clean steady place. I am also 1 yr (almost) 2 months off alcohol... so that prob contributes to how good I feel today. Thank you for all the support on this site :-) We can get better and we do it just takes time. Keep going. Sorry I sound so cliche but it’s true. Hang on and don’t give up

I was married during my use and getting clean. now that I’m almost two yrs in things are better in our relationship. I will say it was worse In my mind, than it was for him. I felt like he was going to leave me etc. The house was a mess. I was so depressed. I Faked it through work, only to go home, ignore him, and sleep every night well into the first 6 -12months. He acts like now it wasn’t so bad- or “he hardly noticed me going through it. “ I don’t know if that’s a man thing ha (like he forgot idk! ) This is hard but it’s worth it. Maybe explain that the first yr is going to be pretty rough. Show him real examples from this site. Probably, what he is researching (if he is researching) is main stream psychology/ rehab sites which claim people are better within 30- 90 days. In some ways we are then PAwS creeps in. 30-90 days That is a fairytale . Also, that is why they keep over prescribing in my opinion! I guess my advice is Keep moving forward you’re in the thick of it, and he needs to understand this is temporary. Don’t use his reaction as an excuse to get back on meds. Anything to stay off the adderall is the goal period (at any cost). Also, take into account anything he says is prob affecting you a lot more than he realizes. He just misses you deep down and it’s hard for him to grasp, hope this helps!

Like all you want! This isn’t like social media. Everyone here is here for support. Post when you feel like it or share whenever. People come on and off this site all the time. No judgement. It’s a hard process getting off this damn drug. Sometimes all you can do is read the forum with no energy to respond. Welcome!

You kind of sound like me in the end of my use. It’s really hard to quit, but it’s really worth it. It won’t be easy at all. You have to commit to yourself and a better life. Just reading your post feels familiar. I remember spiraling out end the end and not sure where to turn. I couldn’t stop and I couldNt stay where I was. I hate this drug. Every story makes me angry. None of us should have gone through this. You’re prob smoking to calm down from the come down of adderall. It is also prob making you even more paranoid. I’d quit both to start. You will prob find your other vices are nothing compared to your addiction to stims. I’ve been there and I understand. I’m 21 months clean of adderall. 11 off alcohol. I can’t smoke because it makes me anxious, so not sure how to help with that. I’m so grateful to be free from this drug. You can quit and be there too, I was on for well over a decade with a few breaks. It’s just making the decision to be done with it and staying clean every day that’s the hard part. Choose your health and your mental health. You won’t regret it. You will only regret staying where you are now. If you are suicidal please talk to someone. Maybe a rehab would be safer to quit

This is a great question. Tapering never worked for me, and maybe it does have to do with addiction vs dependence? My thing is I didn’t want to be miserable. I’d still be tired trying to taper and ALWAYS find a reason to just take another half. Cold turkey was the only thing that finally worked.

I'm sorry you are going through this... Adderall started to take its toll on me as well. My marriage barely survived the last yr I was on it. A flip switches somewhere and the thing that "saved" your life turns into your worst enemy. Unfortunately, she prob isn't associating her behavior with the Adderall. I never realized how much it was affecting every aspect of my life... until I quit. I mean I knew Adderall was making me lose sleep and anxious, but " I was in control". I fully thought my husband was cheating on me... I thought people were after me ( A whole other story) ...I thought a lot of things that felt very real. I didn't lose track of time or lose memories. However, I got very paranoid and depressed. It still took me getting off it to really see what the Adderall was doing to me. I had to quit drinking as well. Adderall alone is enough to cause most destructive behaviors, but it sounds like maybe she's also taking something else? I had a friend who would take Adderall during day then Xanax at night .. plus wine. She would get so angry with her husband and kids. The whole mix was dangerous and messing with her. She would call me in the middle of the night rambling, apologizing about things that had nothing to do with me and not remember any of it. Just a thought.... If this is the case she probably needs rehab to safely get off everything. Thank you for sharing your story. I know its a long road, but its worth it to stay off this drug!

I absolutely would do this with clients. I use to say oh people just love to open up to me. No I was opening up to them. Spilling my guts w/ rambling stories! I have had a lot of time to contemplate my embarrassing ways on adderall. I don’t know if it’s so embarrassing as just out of character. Even random dates I was on in my 20s or relationships. ... I would have these “amazing” connections. Were they ever really real or the adderall kicking in? It gives us a false sense of confidence. Which probably also makes us appear extremely insecure. Getting back to myself has been the hardest part of being clean and sober! Like wtf who was I for over a decade?

It is really hard to get off, but so is staying on adderall. I had to get to the point where I realized I needed to choose the hard that was best for me long term. It doesn’t get better on adderall it just gets worse. It kind of lies to us and makes us believe we need it. We don’t. I was on for so many years...I lost myself as well. Finally free from this drug and it’s worth all the pain to get to where I am today. You can do this!

I made a commitment to run 6 days a week at 430/5 am. I swear it’s what has saved me, I do give myself one day off. 100 percent of the time I don’t feel like running, but I always do and feel better. On my “day off” I don’t stress about running or plans or anything. It’s long enough to chill, but one day is not long enough for me to get messed up... if that makes sense? because I have to run the next morning. It took a couple months to implement this where it’s like clockwork. Because I have this commitment to myself, I can’t be hungover. I’m almost 21 months clean off adderall and almost 11 months clean off alcohol. I also don’t take any other prescriptions, drugs, or anything that triggers the adderall cravings like sugar etc. I don’t know if that helps at all. Commit to something that you have to do early in the morning and it may help. It’s the little things with this whole sobriety Game...

I just wanted to come on and say some positive things that have been happening. The last couple of months I’ve made some real progress. I’m on month 17 clean. I stick to a routine, wake up early, eat well, run 6days a week, meditate. I sleep better than I have in years. This doesn’t mean every day is good, but I work hard regardless of how I feel now. I’m also making huge progress at work. I honestly can’t even believe I’m typing these words. the transformation has been slow but worth it. im sober as well. Think this is the biggest factor in feeling consistently better (for me at least) I only think about adderall around 3 pm - once a day... because I get sluggish.. then it fades. No longer is it a loud nagging “addiction voice” to get back on Adderall all day long. if anyone is struggling today know there is a light at the end of this long ass tunnel. No one should go through what we have all been facing. There should be more research and more understanding to the dangers of long term use of adderall. If I can get to this point then there is hope for everyone. We aren’t damaged forever it just takes time. Keep going

@Subtracterall sorry I just saw your response I found out because they told me privately. Not sure if they’ve openly talked with everyone, but it gets brought up a lot when working one on one. It’s just crazy because everyone I work with is on it. I’ve also talked about how I no longer take meds and my sobriety. That’s made people open up to me more about it. Long work hours and lots of networking in sales. Attracts a lot of stim users.

Congrats on job interview! It’s good to start now where you are. You are qualified even if you don’t “feel” invincible any more. You prob will find that you are way more capable than you realize. Pushing ourselves is so hard while we are recovering, but that’s how we heal the fastest. Even if you don’t get the job just putting yourself out there will give you a much needed boost and help fuel the next opportunity

It’s a rollercoaster. I had kind of the same issues. Your body is trying to regulate. Sometimes you can feel great for a couple weeks and then it gets worse. It takes 12 months-3 yrs to reset. That’s the part no one tells us. It’s hard to hear. once I accepted that it was just going to take a long time I started to get a little resolve. I’m much more routine oriented now. I became self disciplined it really helped me. Excercise and diet seem to be the best tools, at least for me. I sleep so well now. Hang in there just don’t give up and go back to meds it will be worth it

I’m not sure how to answer this, because I’m married. almost the entire first yr clean I had PAWS pretty bad. I “felt” like I was faking feelings even sex was boring for me. basically, went through the motions of our relationship. Then my feelings returned and my marriage is stronger for it now. I also gained some weight, depressed off and on, apathy, the whole thing. I was pretty insecure. I also lost the weight around month 10/11 btw so don’t quit being clean for that reason. It just takes a while. i would think if you meet someone and he loves you for the adderall free version of yourself then dating would be the best thing you could do and not to wait until you feel like it. It will be different dating. you may not “feel”up for it. However, imagine a person who can love you where you are now )recovering)and it only get better as you heal

There’s never a good time to quit. Ever. If you are on the fence, Id say just quit now and never go back. It will just keep getting worse the cycles will just continue each month until you break it. It’s up to you. Just remember there will never be a good day or a day when your life has slowed down enough to where it makes sense.

If you fill it you won’t flush them. Or at least I wouldn’t. I’d tell myself it was for emergency etc then take it to clean the closet because feeling like shit is an “emergency” for me. It sounds like it’s a script that’s already at the pharmacy so disregard my tear it up idea... ugh that’s so tough. Do you have anyone that can go with you to pick it up and then they take it home to flush? Sounds ridiculous but if you just want that temptation gone so it’s not available to you