Greg

I just got my course itinerary for b school and its really really intimidating, but I would rather fail all those classes and fail out of business school than take adderall to pass...

Hey quit once, I know it's been a while, But I'd never leave this forum for good! That job u mentioned was actually the internship I'm doing now which was pushed back weeks, so i didnt start until recently, and it is turning out to be really cool. And I feel so much more together at work off of adderall. And feeling more confidant that i can do this . and i can give my work 100% on my own. I'll be doing that for a couple more weeks then heading to Florida for school. I feel nervous and wobbly on my two feet doing all this - it's a lot- but know this is a sign I'm getting back on my feet. The clean and sober person I am now is the person I want to be for the rest of my life. The biggest lie any adderall addict can tell themselves is that they are BETTER when they are on adderall.

The minute u begin to rely on adderall aka artificial dopamine to get stuff done instead of yourself is when the mental decline begins..

Yes, for sure. Too much adderall causes paranoia , than more sever paranoia...eventually hearing voices and paychosis...and so much other crap I can't even begin..the more you take, the longer period you take it...it gets worse and worse... Then when you recover u have to deal with PAWS which I am dealing with now and it's a total bitch...it takes a while for the chemicals in your brain to repair itself..

I just got an Xbox 360 and halo 4 on Black Friday and am really looking forward to it. And playing the gears of war series for the first time.

Me as well and Congrats on 6 months!!

And congrats to both of you for quitting this god awful thing..

bearman, congratulations! stop taking it once in a blue moon, dont ever even risk awakening that beast.

congratz on taking the first step. let me try to put this in a scary way, to maybe help motivate you through this - Your brain is no longer producing chemicals like dopamine naturally, you are relying on a pill to do that for you. You are messing up your head. Dont worsen this problem!

I had the same EKG heart problem when I was using adderall. And I also had to wear that monitor for the day. All the rapid heartbeat stuff is caused by adderall. Another side effect from adderall is high blood pressure. I had to take meds to lower my blood pressure. But now that im clean, my blood pressure is normal and i dont need meds to deal with it. It will all go away now that she's stopped the adderall and dealing with it.

Hey all, I havent posted in a while and I am sorry for being MIA for a while. The last time I wrote, I think I was so depressed I was in bed for days, and i spent a lot of time wallowing asking myself why i had to get addicted to adderall.. But things have gotten better since, much better. I was accepted to business school recently and I've enrolled, School starts in late January and Ive put in a deposit and am officially a grad student and no longer 'studying for grad school'. I am doing a cool internship now in Manhattan and I am slowly getting my life back together. I am doing this all without adderall, and it scary, Life feels wobbly. but I am doing it. Slowly. Most importantly, I am 2 Years off adderall!! I didnt do much during these two years except study for an exam and focus on my recovery, but so far these have been the two most important years of my life. I still get PAWS, and I cope. But thats what happens when you pop adderall like candy for years. Motivating myself is SOO hard sometimes. Applying to school was a nightmare, looking for jobs was a nightmare. Trying explain around two years of recovering from adderall was really difficult. Instead of reaching for pills, I hold my breath and just force myself to do the things I don't want to do, and hate every minute of it. But i get it done. For a long time after quitting, all I wanted to do was stay in bed all the time. But staying in bed all the time and not doing anything, until i was finally able to crawl out of bed is how I recovered. Everyone recovers differently. This was the way i chose to do it. It worked for me. Adderall addiction destroys your life. It makes you think you are AWESOME and makes you THINK uninteresting things are interesting. But when you are on adderall, you are caught up in your own little world of DISreality. Your center is adderall and thinking and feeling like your awesome. And of course more and more You believe it is the one thing that gets you through life. I could go on and on and on...and if you look at earlier posts, I HAVE. if you are struggling or deciding on how to give this up. Do what I did and just STOP everything in your life. Get some support from family, and kick this thing. Because its the most important thing you can do for your future. Even if it means laying lifeless on your bed with no motivation for months, years, whatever. You need to do what you need to do to kick this habit before you can move on with your life. Stay strong everyone.

I think youre right. its something we need to go through in order to get better. .I was on lexapro for a long time. I think it made me feel better, but not sure, it was also kind of overshadowed by all the stimulants i was on, since i guess stimulants also act as an antidpressant. Hope you start to feel better too.. one day hopefully well be able to look back on this is a moment of perseverance in our lives.

Evie25, what you described, I have also been feeling that way. Ever since I decided to upgrade my status from 'being in recovery' to 'whatever this next phase is'...or perhaps before that, in a gradual way. I was on lexapro for many years, and then effexor. Now im on nothing. I'm not sure if i should get back on something or just tough this out and pray the black cloud goes away. Depression is horrible. Staying clean is already hard enough. I find that when I eat something, it helps with depression, i feel better when i have something in my stomach.

Thanks quit-once. No moving, just commuting. It's only temporary so I'm still going to be looking around (it would be great if this lead to a more permanent thing) but got to keep looking for other options in the meantime. Anyway, it's a fresh start.

PAWS is so evil. Adderall needs to put this on the warning label - "continued abuse of adderall will cause you to have to live with the discomfort of PAWS once you wake up to reality and quit"... As quit-once mentioned, everyone's recovery is different, but I have unfortunately accepted that PAWS for me is going to last longer than the average statistics. And I'm finally at least trying to move on with my life in spite of the discomfort of PAWS. but one more reason i have to never take adderall is that i would never want to take anything that would potentially prolong PAWS even longer than it has persisted. 4 months is AWESOME. you should feel really, really proud of yourself. I still remember when you first came on these boards and was worried about letting your doctor know about your problem. (AND YOU WERE ABLE TO CUT YOURSELF OFF) You've come so far since then!!! keep up the hate for adderall. hating adderall, makes the adderall addict stronger!.

totally, that makes a lot of sense. also i have heard scary stories of people relapsing after 7 years. or 10 years!!! And it makes no sense. a moment of weakness? addiction is a mysterious thing. It just shows its never smart to let your guard down when dealing with something like this. while the longer we are away from it we are more and more safe, but are we ever 100% safe? don't mean to scare you or anyone else reading this, but i think this is probably a good kind of scared to be!! right? this is probably the hardest thing i've ever done in my life - i couldn't relapse and have to do it all over again. especially the PAWS part, ahh...

I got a job lined up now which im looking forward to. havent hashed out the start date yet, I just keep thinking that this will be the first time in my life where i am working and not preoccupied with my adderall supply - not being afraid i wont have enough pills to get me through the day, and not calling out sick or taking long lunches for doctors visits and stuff and being paranoid of other people because ive overdosed on it.. Its a clean start...clear head. no 'double life' of being an addict all day. That sounds like a welcome relief..

Rahul, I also like Game of Thrones...it reminds me of lord of the rings. I just remember in the beginning of quitting feeling so awful and there were a couple tv series that got me through it.(Lost,24) Because it helped to distract me from how i was feeling. I just watched episode after episode after episode...and ate tons of unhealthy stuff like ice cream...

me too, im interested in checking out...thanks for recommending

Ashley, I'm really glad to hear that you are terrified of adderall. That's a great position to be in in recovery--. And to stay in forever. It really is poison. I would also be freaked out to take anything that looked like adderall. And, honestly, even looking at pictures of adderall makes me feel awful. On two separate occasions, I found adderall, and I was like freaked out when i saw it, lol..and disposed of it immediately..also, you might have some dreams where you freak out because you think you took it by accident in your dream and then wake up. This is a good place to be in - it's being hyper-adderall-vigilent.

yes, that sounds wayyy better.

Rahul, welcome to the forums. i think that all the time honestly. If i only knew...i would have quit a long time ago. Quit Once - congratulations on losing 20 lbs, i know that's been your goal for a while. keep it up...

Hey Quit-Once, I'm better today, I hadnt gotten depressed like this, except when i was just quitting adderall. This past week, I spiraled i think because of depressive thinking, like how i was thinking and what i was saying to myself. I kind of was just overreacting, and things are not as bad as I thought. I did some more research on the net and my plans are not derailed or anything like i thought. slowly trying to pull myself out of this.. The important thing is that now that some time has past since i quit, my head has cleared up, I can begin with a fresh start. I got some things in the pipeline so i dont know we'll see..anyway, thanks for the response

Edie, call your doctor and end that relationship with your doctor.. think of him/her as a 'dealer' you need out of your life.

yoga. this, I will have to try. sigh, i have been really, really, really depressed as of late. A week ago, I put the big project I was working toward in my recovery off to the side, probably permanently. ...trying to bounce out of this depression....