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Hey all, I've been on this site for 6.5 years and have read many horrible stories about adderall addiction and also some amazing success stories. As you can see I've posted on this forum over 1000 times. I've been clean since Nov 13, 2010. And here is the collective wisdom I've gathered from people who successfully beat adderall addiction on this site. Just as background I used to snort 250 mgs a day, was in and out of rehab and outpatient therapy. I had constant stimulant induced schizophrenia. 1) CUT OFF YOUR DOCTOR - this is how the successful people on this site quit. Period. Cut off your doctor. I havent come across a single person that still had access to adderall prescriptions from their doc and was able to just quit. 2) UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GOT ADDICTED ... and why you feel like shit without it. Adderall causes your brain to retain more of the neurotransmitter dopamine between the synapses or nerve endings in your brain. This artificial surplus of dopamine is what causes you to feel more motivated, the brain stops regulating dopamine on it's own properly. Your body begins to adapt to the repeated dosing of a central nervous system stimulant, causing dependence, until eventually life seems much worse without adderall. Over time, as your natural dopamine reuptake process is consistently disrupted, the body produces less and less dopamine. If the adderall is then withdrawn, the body has neither its own dopamine nor an artificial surplus of dopamine between the the brain receptors - thus the horror of withdrawal. 3. DON'T PUT PRESSURE ON YOURSELF when you quit...Stop trying to be the perfect mom, or the superstar at work, the super thin person, the social butterfly. As for working, decide if you are able to continue working or not.. I did not work for TWO + YEARS. I just spent those years on my moms couch reading recovery books, going to NA and sticking close to this site.. I had that luxury to live at home at not work (no kids to support etc) Afterwords, with help from members of this site, I fought my way back into a career...from interning at a shoe store without pay to volunteering for a couple bucks an hour to working in a college admin office for 200 bucks a month. If you don't feel like you can afford to stop working, do not try to be a superstar at work. Go through the motions, just like the author does in "Get it Done when your depressed" 4.UNDERSTAND PAWS there are many, many resources on post acute withdrawal system. Just google it. Your brain will go through PAWS. This will help you understand the depression, fatigue and all those horrible feelings that make adderall recovery horrific. https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm 5. TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME It takes forever to feel normal again, but you get to a point where you no longer think about it anymore. 6. YOU WILL NOT BE FAT FOREVER As long as you put in discipline and willpower. After the post weight gain you will get back to normal weight. I went to 250lbs immediately post adderall and now I'm normal and thin again. Most people on this site can attest to the same. 7. STAY CLOSE TO THE FORUMS. Don't lurk here. Be engaged with the community. Helping others also helps yourself too. And keeping this place active helps everyone on this site. No one judges you on this site. There are many tools/resources/information here that can REALLY help you. Many veterans here have gone on to give interviews for national magazines and television programs about what happened to them. 8. SUPPLEMENTS that people on this site that people have found effective include: Wellbutrin and L-Tyrosine. Don't even consider swapping to Vyvance, Ritalin, or Dex. They are the same as addearll. 9. UNDERSTAND THAT THIS PROCESS TAKES FOREVER AND A DAY. It took me years and years and i still struggle. For others who were on much lower dosages than me, it still takes at least year but not as long as it did for me. As a rule of thumb, every year you abused, you need an additional year to recover. You will feel unmotivated. You will be starving all the time. You will be tired. But you are in the norm. Adderall recovery may often feel very specific to you but it is not. We all go through this or are going through this. 10. READ and read and read to educate yourself on what has happened to you - "On Speed" has been the most popular book for this site. Other books, "Get it Done When Your Depressed" "Pill Head", "More, Now, Again" , "The Amphetamine Debate" to name a few. Read the article on Richard Fees suicide that was in the NY Times. The link is below 11. WRITE DOWN all reasons why adderall messed up your life. If you ever want to start taking adderall again - READ the list and you will remember about those horrific nights 3 am on an empty stomach and feeling like complete shit. Or you'll remember the scariness of getting caught doctor shopping or you'll remember getting fired, or you'll remember the stimulant induced psychosis that made people think you were schizophrenic. 12. ALCOHOL/CAFFEINE RULE OF THUMB Most recovering adderall addicts still allow themselves to drink alcohol. This is taboo in Narcotics Anonymous but adderall veterans continue to drink without having problems. Many on here have relied on caffeine and redbull to help them. I used those high energy drinks like Rockstar and Monster. I indulge in alchohol as well. 13. GOING COLD TURKEY did not destroy anyone's brain or give them permanent brain damage. I believe xanax can do that but not adderall. Go cold turkey. 14. READ OLDER POSTS While you are on this site, read everything here bc there is tons of great advice on threads that have gotten buried. Remember this site has been active for at least 7 or 8 years so there's a lot of good information on these threads. 15. RELATIONSHIPS - Explain to the people closest to you what happened so they can better understand. Tell them how it messed up the neurochemicals in your brain. Apologize to them. Tell them it will never happen again. Assure them you are in the clear. 16. AT FIRST IT MAY SEEM EASY but it's not. In order to level set your expectations I can tell you it completely sucks. You may go through a brief phase where it seems easy and then suddenly it hits you like a brick. 16b. RECOVERY IS NOT A LINEAR PROCESS. Withdrawal symptoms hit in waves. Sometimes you will have really off days, and you can blame that on the PAWS. Some days you'll feel fine. Embrace the days you feel fine. 17. DEFEAT THE PYSCHOLOGICAL PART OF THE ADDICTION. If you are here, adderall has become a crutch in your life and taken a toll on your confidence to do things without it. Get off your feet and start doing things that you relied on adderall to get you through them. If you are as bad as me you prob relied on adderall for everything. Each time you do something without adderall you start to say "hey I dont need adderall to do this" and your confidence begins to build. 18. STREAM AND BINGEWATCH TV As you recover from withdrawal, Netflix, Hulu and Amazon prime are a godsend. They help you forget about how shitty you feel for the moments you are engrossed in your favorite shows. I have fond memories of bingewatching netflix shows as i went through the hell of withdrawal. 19. When you feel ready FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT. to get your life back into shape. I fought my ass off after I finally got off my moms couch. A lot of adderall veterans on this site would definitely remember my experience because i was on here every day, documenting every moment of my job search, my job hunt, my worries/insecurities and I got so much support and advice from this amazing community to push forward. After interning in a shoe store for no money, feeling like i was getting no where, I went back to school graduated and fought for a good job. My newly non-adderall addicted self began making over 6 figures a year. 've gotten a raise every year over the last three years and was able to give my mom 20K for not just the heartache tears and pain I caused her but to show my gratitude for her taking care of me while I recovered, and for letting me live on her couch for two years and put no pressure on me to do anything but read books. 20. ADDERALL CAUSES YOU TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN YOUR MIND ONLY. Go back and read a paper that you wrote while on adderall. You probably thought it was incredible. Now go back and re-read it. Was it really that great?? When i was in my adderall haze the success was in my grandiose thinking, in my feeling of invincibility, of being able to conquer anything but not in my reality!!! Stop romanticizing the good times when you were on adderall - they weren't that great. Realize you still have a real future to fight for. You do not want to be that person you once were, where you needed adderall to feel successful. You want to be able to feel successful because of your own merits, not because of adderall. 20. THIS ONE IS WORTH REPEATING - You will not be FAT forever once you quit!!!! There have been many threads on this and the consensus is that it GOES away as long as you try. That means it'll go away after your hunger period ends, but domake sure your consuming fewer calories than you burn or go vegeterian or whatever - exercise your willpower. 21. HELP YOUR RECOVERY ALONG. If you can afford rehab or your insurance covers rehab. Rehab helps. NA/AA meetings can help. Get an NA sponsor. Also, eating healthier, exercising, mediation etc are all things that will help. What doesn't help? being too hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Smart Recovery has also helped people on this site kick the addiction http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/toolchest.htm 22. DONT BUY INTO THE CULTURAL ACCEPTANCE OF ADDERALL -believing that makes it much harder to quit. I generally believe in my heart that ADD is a bullshit diagnosis. I can get scatterbrained and exhibit symptoms of what people consider to be ADD but I do not believe ADD is real. I believe adderall will help anyone who doesn't have ADD. I believe lots of people get scatterbrained. This mentality - and I truly believe it - has helped because believing in my heart and mind that I don't have ADD, that ADD is a bullshit diagnosis gives me zero reason to even consider taking it. Adderall used to be prescribed for depression in the 70s before the ADD diagnosis even came along. It was always a pill in search of a problem. 23 THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL It truly does get better. Your life can come together. It has to start by following these guidelines 24 YOUR PERSONALITY WILL COME BACK Whether adderall made you anti social or robotic or some nut that obsessed with unimportant thing like wasting hours reading wikipedia all day or working on project that went absolutely nowhere..you will come back to your old self. 25 YOUR HEALTH WILL COME BACK Whether it gave you health problems from clenched teeth and sleep deprivation, anxiety, or depression from when the pill wore off, or high blood pressure...your health eventually comes back. WANT TO FAIL? Based on the hundreds of posts on this site it seems that most people who don't follow these guidelines end up relapsing. So draw on the past COLLECTIVE experiences of this long lasting forum and follow the guidelines that works. We know it works. It's that simple Visit these links for a wakeup call http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/03/us/concerns-about-adhd-practices-and-amphetamine-addiction.html http://abcnews.go.com/Health/adderall-rise-mothers/story?id=16622475 http://www.self.com/wellness/health/2013/03/adderall-the-get-ahead-drug Links to Good Recovery Books 1) On Speed - Traces the history of America's obsession with amphetamines; dexadrine, ritalin, adderall etc... 2) Amphetamine Debate - Goes into the consequences of stimulant abuse, psychosis particularly with adderall and ritalin.. 3) More, Now and Again - Memoir of a Writer's Addiction to Ritalin... 4) Requiem for a Dream - One of the stories subplots is a woman who gets hooked on amphetamines.. 5) Get it Done When Your depressed THAT'S all I can think of - there are tons of veterans on this site right now and its so awesome to see you all here continuing to post and help the newer people. Please chime in if I'm missing something not covered or if there is a tip you disagree with.

I’m not even sure how long I’ve been off because it’s been almost 3 years now. This is a clear sign that recovery is possible and I just wanted to say hi and let you all know that I’m doing fine. Life is all mine now, it’s not perfect but I can honestly say that Adderall is a distant memory for me. Tonight is the first time it popped in my head in weeks and mainly because I was thinking how good I feel. The crazy thing is I can’t remember how I felt in early recovery anymore. I remember that it was horrible and the worst thing ever but I dint remember exactly how. It’s hard to explain. Lately I’ve just been having these thoughts like “I’m back!” I actually got into my work today while writing a document and I was so focused and started researching stuff and really enjoying it, it was strange because it felt like I was on Adderall, minus the jitters and teeth-grinding. I came across a similar document that I wrote when I was on Adderall and OMG, it was fascinating and scary to look at my work from those days. Knowing what I know now, it’s no surprise I got fired for turning in that work. Anyway, I hope you’re all doing well and loving your Adderall free lives!

Hi everyone, I've been reading this site off and on for years now and finally decided to share my story. It has a happy ending. For anyone out there who has been trying to quit Adderall, even for many years--there is hope for you. After nine years of a nasty addiction to Adderall and other prescription drugs during my twenties, I finally got sober 18 months ago, and I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. I never knew life could be this... beautiful, fulfilling, and peaceful for me. I sleep every night now. I have normal relationships with people. I eat healthfully. I run, bike, and hike. I'm not anxious and paranoid anymore. I even managed to get through the death of my father last summer without relying on drugs. The things that helped me get and stay sober are the following: 1) Moving away from my hometown--getting away from my prescribing doctor, my dysfunctional family, and my drug friends. 2) Therapy. Online therapy worked very well for me. 3) Running. I never exercised in my life before 18 months ago. I was never the athletic type, and I couldn't really exercise much for the nine years I was on Adderall because of the cardiovascular side effects, but now I run/bike/hike many miles every week. I think running was the biggest help in staying sober. There is science to back this up--read about the FosB gene and its role in both addiction and runner's high if you are interested. 4) Eating healthfully. During my nine years addicted to Adderall, I gained 50lbs. The first few years, Adderall made me lose weight to the point of being too thin. But then I started using alcohol and benzos to counteract the anxiety, insomnia, and paranoia, and I began to gain weight. I think high cortisol levels from the constant stress I was putting my body through, plus poor nutrition and a fucked up metabolism from periodically starving myself on Adderall and then bingeing on junk food when I crashed, also contributed to my weight gain. In the past 18 months I have lost 40 of those pounds through sobriety, healthy eating, and exercise. 5) Medication. Nothing addictive, obviously. I take a very small dose of Lexapro every day and it has helped me enormously with my anxiety and depression. I have read so many stories on here and I can relate to something in just about every one of them. Not knowing how you can do things without taking Adderall. The anxiety, the paranoia, taking everything too seriously, losing sight of the big picture, losing friends, losing jobs, etc etc etc. I can relate to all of it. I dropped out of college and did absolutely nothing with my life except weird Adderall projects for years. At the height of my addiction, Adderall even landed me in the psych ward twice in one year. I ruined so many friendships. I hurt so many people and did so many things I regret. But I fought my addiction hard. And I beat it. I won. My life is beautiful and full now in a way that, when I was on the drug, I never believed it could be. Yes, there are hard times, but I am able to fully deal with them now with a clear head. And the hard times make the good times even better. I don't get my happiness from a pill anymore. I get it from good relationships with other humans and from doing the things that make me happy in life. I'm back in school, and the sense of accomplishment I get from earning good grades is so rewarding in the absence of Adderall. I feel good about myself now. I feel confident. Maybe I'll write more of my story (it's a long, wild one) another time. I just wanted to let you all know that you're not alone, that there is hope, there is a life for you after Adderall, and it's fucking glorious compared to the dark hole you live in when you're on that awful drug. I won, and I believe you can win this battle too.

Hi everyone, what a great day to be clean! I've been checking in less frequently recently (because life has gotten really busy - in a good way), but I wanted to write a post in celebration of my two years clean from adderall When I first googled "am i addicted to my adhd meds," I was 17. If only I had stopped then. Adderall addiction, over the subsequent 7 years, took me in and out college, in and out of strange towns, in and out of strange relationships, and in and out of bizarre personalities that I'd try on like cheap sunglasses. My life had crumbled into a depressing state of chaos and (arguably misdiagnosed) mental illness. When I finally admitted I was powerless over the pills, at age 24, my friendships were all strained, my job situation was dicey at best, and conflict with roommates had escalated to a point where it was essentially impossible for a sane person to live with me peacefully. Every dream I had for myself had been placed on hold for just "another day" so I could clean my closet. I was "cleaning my closet tomorrow" for. Seven. Years. It wasn't until I had no closet to clean and no drawers to organize that I realized how truly fucked up my priorities had become. So if you're reading this, feeling isolated, and promising yourself that you're going to "stop eventually," after you graduate maybe, or after you get organized, or after you get promoted... search your soul. Ask yourself if you feel as though something is gravely wrong. Be honest. On a lighter note: here's what's happened in my life in the past two years as a result of not getting high even when it was the only thing I wanted to do: 1) I started going to NA meetings. Complete and utter game-changer for my recovery. It's not for everyone, but if you're curious, I highly recommend it. 2) Got back into college. 3) Developed healthy, honest friendships. Where I could be honest about my feelings. I'm a firm believer that this is how we heal. 4) GOT A BACHELOR'S DEGREE. From a Top 30 University. 5) Mended my relationship with my family and came clean about the reasons for my strange behavior. 6) Had my heart broken by my ex-boyfriend of three years, and MADE IT THROUGH. Clean. 7) Got hired. Amazing job, brand new city, 80k a year. I'm kicking ass at work - without speed. 8) Found a pinterest-worthy apartment of my own (with ALL the exposed brick). I'm currently learning how to balance cleanliness at home with a less-than-organized personality (I don't call it ADHD anymore). Without the use of adderall. 9) Finally overcame my embarrassment and asked someone, at 26, how to use a treadmill. Started to work on my fitness. *hair flip* 10) Developed a relationship with a Higher Power. A Higher Power that, somehow, was merciful enough to keep me from dying - despite the fact that I was pumping 200 milligrams of speed into my body on an almost-daily basis (at 115 lbs) and actively avoiding food and sleep. Honestly, I'm not sure whether or not to be happy or sad about the fact that this site has been seeing less traffic recently. Maybe fewer people are struggling with amphetamine addiction. I hope so. But if that's not the case: In my first 3 months sober, when my brain still felt like mashed potatoes, reading these forums over and over again was one of the biggest support structures I had. Quittingadderall.com was my hope a lot of days when I had none. Let's continue to spread that hope, y'all. Love you people <3 ***Edit*** I hope this post doesn't come off as too braggadocios. I just wanted to underscore the fact that everything that I **thought** I was working toward by taking adderall only started to come to fruition when I stopped. I've had my fair share of down days these past few years. But when you look at the net result, sobriety will always be the best option for me.

Sometimes I think, I wish I had never been introduced to Adderall. Because had I not, I would have experienced 2 years of life that I lost to this drug. But I learned so much about myself through this whole process, and I believe I am a stronger individual because of it. As a disclaimer, I write this as someone who has never had ADHD or needed any such medication. How it began: The story of how I started abusing this drug begins like many others. I was excelling at a (very) competitive university all on my own, but one day I decided to take an Adderall that was offered to me. It was just half of a 10 mg and I loved it. With my heart beating fast and euphoria racing through my veins, I studied all night and the next day. I conned my way into getting a prescription and the rest is history. I would rip through my high-dosage bottles after 2 weeks. This occurred for two years. Through my addiction, I gained a fair amount of weight and lost confidence. My addiction weakened my resolve all around, and made me a person I didn't recognize. I didn't sleep, I binge ate carbs, I was grouchy, I was antisocial and awkward. I'd rather have cleaned my room than hang out with my friends. (I'm sure if you're reading this, you are familiar with all of this). I tried to quit a few times, but it failed when I became miserable and anxious over my laziness and constant snacking. With the stress of school, and seeing pictures of myself with extra weight on myself, I would always get back on the Adderall. It was a vicious, vicious cycle: Decide it’s time to quit —> binge eat, sleep all day—> hate myself, become anxious about school/work —> get back on Adderall —> tweak out, not sleep —> build up tolerance/run out of pills —> decide it’s time to quit —> binge eat, sleep—>anxiety—> get back on, ETC.! HOW TO CONQUER IT: A vicious cycle is the damn truth. I wish I had a better solution for you but the truth is: the only way out is THROUGH. You have to give yourself the withdrawal month or 2 months of being lazy, of snacking, of sleeping. You’ve got to find a way to be OK with gaining weight and being lazy. You’ve got to give yourself the self compassion that you need, instead of beating yourself up about the whole thing. As someone who is extremely self-critical about my looks and my willpower, I’ll admit this is not an easy thing to do. But here is where you have to put the big picture into vision. You either go through this time in your life, and yes it’s going to suck, OR you continue to lose your life to this drug. You stay in the same damn Adderall cycle for the rest of your life. You miss out on real human interaction, on feeling the humanness that bonds us to people. You miss out on love, laughter, and life. At times, it’s going to seem “not worth it” to quit. I experienced this in my cycle when I tried to quit and failed. I would think, “omg, I can’t now, I have this big event where I need to look good, or this big test!”. But tell me- when are you going to do it? Is there ever an ideal time? Well, no there’s really not. Because life is always going to seem better when you’re not a lazy slug, off your meds eating half the pantry. But like I said, you’ve gotta go through it. That is truly, truly, the only way out. No more time for excuses: “I’m gonna get really skinny then get off Adderall; I’m gonna nail this test then go off.” Because you’re literally always going to have those excuses. Put your blinders on and focus on what really matters. And give yourself compassion. Life is hard, you’re only human. But quitting is truly the BEST thing you can do for yourself. Making that decision and doing it is admirable, and you should be proud of yourself. Be proud of yourself even as you’re sitting there devouring a bag of Doritos and napping for 3 hours. When you feel like yourself again (and you will), you’re going to care about yourself and your wellness. You’re going to lose that weight and get back into shape the way you used to: exercise and healthy eating, NOT Adderall starvation. It’s not going to be easy watching yourself transform from a tweaked-out busy bee to a lazy slug; but for you to become the pre-Adderall YOU again, that transformation has to happen. You will become the person you are meant to be when you end the cycle once and for all. Those are the things I learned from my experience quitting. I am still working on getting back in shape and building up my good habits again, but I can tell you that I’m a huge leap and bound away from the slug that I was in my withdrawal month/2 months. Most importantly however, I am myself again. I feel ease in my soul because I am living life as the woman I was born to be. So last words about quitting: It sucks when you’re in it but STAY IN IT to make it out. The only way out is through. And you WILL make it through. Give yourself compassion, give yourself time. You got this.

Four years ago today, I took Adderall for the last time. My mother slid three blue 5mg instant release pills across the table so I could get through the night. I couldn't hide any more. After living in denial for so long, I was confronted on no uncertain terms with the horrifying reality that what I thought was my best friend, my lifeblood, had turned on me. For years, Adderall had been trying to put me in an early grave, but only after blocking me off from others and systematically eviscerating me spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. - At one year I thought I was a little shaky, but on the right path. I took solace in the fact that people on here said that it got even better in the second year. - At two years, I was on my feet and doing well, but still pretty volatile emotionally. Occasionally, I'd flirt with the idea that I could go back on it. That idea had to be SMASHED. - I spent my third anniversary in London after hiking the West Highland Way. Towards the end of my using, I couldn't bend an appendage without joint pain and muscle soreness. - At four years, I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, even in my worst moments, that I can't use Adderall "as prescribed" for any real length of time. I'm on the right path. I've recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body it put me in. My intellectual faculties are at all time highs. I've been lifting regularly for some time and am making sustainable progress on that front. I enjoy helping others recover, on here and IRL. I pray and meditate. Daily. I have a sense of purpose. I've rekindled relationships with friends and family. I trust that if I stay off Adderall and keep giving it my best, or at least a decent shot, one day at a time, things will work out. They have so far. I don't have any magical insights to share tonight. There are no shortcuts. You have to work through the discomfort. I couldn't do it alone. Sometimes, all you can do it Netflix and Self-Loath/Chill. But if you stick with it, you'll get back on your feet and the world will open up a life beyond your wildest dreams. Read the articles on this site. Contribute to the forums. You're not alone. People have been through what you're experiencing and worse and gotten out the other side clean. Every time I've felt hopeless the last four years, EVERY TIME, tremendous growth was waiting patiently nearby. I was a slave to those devllish pills and now I am free.

I found this online in another forum a while ago and recovered it recently. I've put it in the announcements because it feels more like a "sticky" than a discussion doc or question or personal tale. I found it really accurate. Hope it's helpful. Stage 1 of Amphetamine Use - During this stage, amphetamine will be at its hedonic peak; the pleasure of taking amphetamine will not get any higher from this point on. The most notable feelings are a "lovey" feeling, powerful euphoria, increased motivation, deep philosophical thinking, strong feelings of "lust", etc. Length of phase: 1-3 days with binge usage; 5-10 days with daily usage; About 5-15 uses total if used sparingly with atleast several days inbetween doses. Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Powerful euphoria - Empathy and socialability - Overwhelming amount of increased motivation Stage 2 of Amphetamine Use - During this stage, the "lovey" and empathetic feelings of amphetamine quickly fade, although the "pleasurable" feelings of euphoria and increased motivation are still present. The decrease in empathetic feelings is likely responsible from a depletion of serotonergic vesicles. Most users note that it is impossible to transition back to "Stage 1" at this point, no matter how long of a break a person takes from amphetamine. This suggests that a permanent tolerance develops for the empathetic effects of the drug - whether this occurs from a psychological acclimation to the effects, or from physiological reasons, I don't know. This is the stage which doctors aim for when prescribing amphetamine for medicinal use with ADD and ADHD. This stage can be prolonged for quite some time (and if the dose is low enough, some medical professionals say that this phase can be prolonged indefinitely) this is assuming of course that the user continuously maintains an adequate amount of high quality sleep (7+ hours a night), proper nutrition, and a non-sedentary lifestyle. Length of Stage: 1-7 days with binge usage (note that binge usage is defined by immediately taking another dose once the effects of one dose wear off or begin to wear off, interrupting sleep in the process). 2 Weeks to 6+ Months if used daily (and maintaining a healthy lifestyle). Indefinitely if used sparingly (with 3-5+ days inbetween uses). Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Increased Motivation - Slight Euphoria Stage 3 of Amphetamine Use, the "Tool" phase - At this point, most if not all empathetic effects of usage have diminished. This point is characterized by the fact that amphetamine becomes the sole motivator for tasks, hence the nickname "The Tool Phase" because amphetamine is now used as a Tool for accomplishment. The negative physiological effects (the "body load") become more prominent. Length of Stage: At this point, it is hard to define the length it will take to transition from one stage to the next. Some users will find that if they take breaks from their usage or just lower their dose, they can go backwards to earlier stages. Some binge users may even rapidly progress through the stages, possibly even skipping to the final ones or developing psychosis. Characteristic Effects of this stage: - Period of 'positive effects' and period of 'negative effects' from taking a dose begin to merge. (usually, if negative effects are present they only follow after the positive effects wear off) - The user needs amphetamine to stay at/above a baseline level of motivation, and when amphetamine is not in effect the user is below a baseline level of motivation. -In order for a task to be done effeciently, the user finds that they need to be on amphetamine. - The level of euphoria decreases to a point where it is no more significant than the level of euphoria which most people get from daily life without amphetamine. Stage 4 of Amphetamine Use, "The Decline" - The efficiency of amphetamine as a "Tool" begins to drop significantly, and this stage is characterized by the "comedown" (the period of negative effects after the drug begins to wear off) becoming much stronger. The "comedown" may even begin to merge in with the period of positive effects. At this point, the body load may begin to become painful. Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Painful body load (Muscle Pain, High Blood Pressure, Inadequate Circulation, Dehydration, Malnutrition, deterioration of the skin and other tissues, etc). - Depression - Severe Anxiety Stage 5 of Amphetamine Use, The Procrastination - This Stage may or may not be experienced by amphetamine users. In this stage, the positive effects of amphetamine are almost absent if not completely gone, and the "coming up" of a dose of amphetamine is subsequently followed by an immediate barrage of negative effects (both physiological and psychological). The reason this phase is called "The Procrastination" is because the user forgets how unbearable the negative sensations are (due to amphetamine compromising the brain's ability to efficiently make memories, especially goal-orientated memories); by the next day, even though the user may have told himself to not take amphetamine, he takes amphetamine again anyways (due to the brain not being able to make a goal-orientated memory, the brain was unable to produce counter-motivation to stop the user from taking more amphetamine the next day). This might possibly be the most psychologically painful and strenuous phase for the amphetamine user, since he is unable to figure out why he keeps taking amphetamine even though he clearly knows it only causes him pain. Characteristic Effects: - Repeatedly taking amphetamine despite knowledge that it no longer gives the desired effects, and only causes negative effects. Stage 6 of Amphetamine Use, Irritability and Pessimism - This phase is characterized by extreme irritability. The user begins forgetting the drug is responsible for his negative feelings, and begins to blame things in the environment around them instead. The user begins to think that other people are responsible for how poorly he/she feels. The user might show hostility, or social withdrawal. The user also begins to develop an extremely pessimistic attitude towards life. Characteristic Effects of this Stage: - Acute Depression - Severe Anxiety - Irritability, even when the drug is out of the user's system - Psychosis - Inability to Sleep - Severe Restlessness - lack of willpower - Inability to find "the right choice of words" - Obsessive Thinking Stage 7 of Amphetamine use, Nihilism and Dissociation - During this phase, incidences of psychosis begin to emerge (if they haven't already) even if the drug user has been maintaining an adequate amount of sleep. The user usually becomes nihilistic, thinking that nothing in life matters or has meaning. Some users may even become solipsistic, which means they think that they are the only things which are real in the world. Solipsism is often accompanied by paranoia, or thinking that others only have the intention of harming the solipsistic individual. If the user had obtained any philosophical or metacognitive methods of thinking during the earlier stages of amphetamine use, those same metacognitive methods begin to eat away at the person's psyche. They feel as if they are helpless to do anything besides sit back and watch their mind become unravelled. Even if the user realizes that his irritable attitude towards other people isn't how he truly feels, he is unable to manage his irritability (most likely due to a complete diminishment of serotonin, as well as the brain's ability to make memories being compromised). The individual's ego may begin to deconstruct itself, and the user may have a feeling that they completely lack any willpower to do anything. This stage is also accompanied by a large amount of confusion. Characteristic Effects of this stage: - Confusion - Paranoia - Unbearable Depression and Anxiety - Delusions - Increased Incidences of Psychosis - Increasingly Painful Body Load - Lack of willpower - Cognition become confusing and incoherent. Users often claim things like their mind is "too loud", "jumping to false conclusions", or "doesn't make sense" and the user feels helpless to control this. - Panic Attacks become very prominent - Feelings of Deja Vu - If weight loss was experienced in beginning stages, it may come to a hault or even reverse into weight gain - Inability to experience pleasure - Akathisia - Feelings that an individual no longer has "free will" - Difficult to form coherent sentences and speak properly. Similar to "Clanging" or "Word Salad" experienced in schizophrenics. Stage 7b "Letting Go / Giving Up" - This stage is not always experienced, but in some instances after the user has experienced an excruciating and unbearable amount of anxiety and mental stress, he may experience a period of "Letting Go" in which the brain gives up on constructing/maintaining its deluded psychological structures. The negative effects of the drug temporarily fade, and the user has a "moment of peace". This temporary phase usually only lasts several hours (if not less) before the user returns to phase 7. Since the brain during this phase has completely abandoned any attempts to make goal orientated behaviour, the user may find it difficult (or simply not want to) to take care of themselves. However, during this phase, the user will find that they will actually be able to get to sleep, and they should take advantage of this temporary somnia to get sleep. I do not know what neurological mechanisms are responsible for this phase; it is almost as if it is the brain's last resort - to enter a careless and stressless stupor. Perhaps the brain releases endorphins in response to the unbearable anxiety? Characteristic Effects: - Stupor - Irresponsiveness - Carelessness - Ironically, if effects of "word salad" or "clanging" were experienced in stage 7, they are no longer as present in stage 7b. Stage 8, "The Stupor", Brain Damage - In this stage, amphetamine no longer gives effects, and the brain's desire for taking amphetamine (even if taking it has become a habit) begins to drop. As long as amphetamine use continues, the user makes no progress towards recovery of any sort. The individual is unresponsive and disconnected. Amphetamine has a tendency to make the user put too much effort into anything/everything, and this gives the brain not a single moment of psychological "rest" (where the individual doesn't think deeply). However, during this phase, it is quite the opposite - the individual's mind is in a prolonged state of resting and won't even follow through with the very act of thinking if the thought takes too much effort to think. During this phase, the user may have a steep decline in intelligence. Characteristic Effects: - Prolonged episodes of stupor and carelessness - Lethargy - Diminished Intelligence and mental efficiency - Irreversible Psychological Damage - Possible brain damage - The individual may develop a "permanent stuttering" which persists even after amphetamine has long since been ceased. - In a similar way that the stuttering develops, an individual may develop a possible permanent difficulty talking, using correct grammar and sentence structure, or expressing thoughts to others. In severe cases, this may even resemble a schizophrenic's clanging or word salad. - Essentially, the mind at this point is irreversibly compromised. The user's personality might have changed permanently. The individual may be much more easily irritated for the rest of his/her life. Cognitive functioning will never work the same as it used to. Although the user may make improvements and greatly recover, it will almost always seem like something "isn't right" in the mind, or that something is "missing". Individuals will still be able to lead fulfilling lives, and some may make amazing recoveries where they feel normal again like they did before they ever began using. Unfortunately, in severe cases, the individual may never be the same again.

Can't believe it has been 3 years since the last time I used Adderall! Wow. Happy 3 years to Frank and to everyone else who quit around the same time as us. I used to complain 24/7 and come on this site multiple times a day just wishing the pain and misery would end. Although I can't say my life is perfect now, at least it doesn't revolve around Adderall anymore. I'm back down to a comfortable weight (it took me a couple years), I sleep well, I'm calm and level headed, and I'm not constantly thinking about pills. My energy levels could still use some improvement, but it is slowly getting better over time. I still experience some anhedonia, but it is also getting better with time. Also I want to wish a very happy 3rd birthday to my dog, Nash. I got a puppy when I decided to finally quit for good. Omg it was hard taking care of a puppy in the early days of recovery, but I like to think he keeps me going I used to think I couldn't do life without Adderall. I thought I couldn't accomplish anything without it. It's funny though, looking back on the last few years, I accomplished more in those years and had my highest income of my life in those three years. Blood, sweat and tears... a huge amount of effort... but I did it without Adderall! To anyone thinking about quitting - DO IT NOW! It is so worth it. There is nothing worse than being a slave to those pills.

The race to normalcy, that is the process of returning to our baseline after quitting Adderall, is often mistaken to be shorter and have more of a grand finish than should be expected in reality. From my understanding based on subjective reports of people on this board who've quit Adderall for an extended period of time, 2 years appears to be the point where normalcy is established. This is consistent with people who've suffered traumatic brain injuries, their recovery time to approximately normal is several years, though they typically experience the most dramatic recovery in the first year. In a way, we've given ourselves chemical brain injuries, so recovery to baseline (normal) should be expected in a matter of years. That brings up the point I wanted to make though.. this unrealistic view of "normal". Many of us (myself included from time to time) have this romanticized view of what normal is. We ask ourselves "when will I feel like going to the gym?" or "how long will it take for me to want to study?". I believe these questions stem from our history of relying on pills to supply a euphoric rush and the resulting motivation to want to do these things. But in reality, otherwise normal people encounter these problems on a daily basis. Best case scenario after quitting Adderall is we return to our baseline. Once we're at our baseline, the ball is in our court with regard to how we plan on self-motivating ourselves at that point. Motivation is cultivated through a combination of discipline and action, in other words, establishing good/healthy habits. Again, this is something that otherwise normal people struggle with on a daily basis. The difference is we (past Adderallics) have grown accustomed to relying on what we take impacting and increasing our motivation levels rather than what we should do to increase our motivation. This is both good and bad news. The good news is we are granted a second chance on turning the ship around and improving ourselves through our own actions. The bad news is that euphoric, maniacal rush that Adderall provided is gone, whether we get back on Adderall or not. Your original experience with Adderall is gone. You will never relive your beginning experiences with Adderall ever again. So the question you should ask yourself is What should I do to help restore or even improve my motivation levels?.... NOT When should I expect to feel motivated again?

I haven't been on the forum for the past year, mainly because I was working on myself and needed time away from thinking about Adderall. I'm surprised to say, yesterday marked my year of sobriety and I can't believe it. Surreal to think about because I thought I'd never get to this point after taking 150mg+ daily for roughly 6 years. I wanted to come back and say to those who think they'll never break free that it is possible and to those that have risked it all to try the sober life, it is worth it. Everyone's journey is different, and I'll list some of the things I'm relieved to not have and some of the things I still struggle with. Regardless, I wouldn't change the sober life for the f*cked up world of Adderall I lived in. No one deserves to live by a pill. Good luck to everyone - sobriety will change your life for the better. Struggles Weight gain (I didn't do much about this for the first 8 months, now I'm getting serious about losing my post adderall gain) Cognitive issues (tongue tied, inability to remember certain words, brain farts, frustration knowing that I wasn't like this before Adderall but hoping it resolves in another 6 months) Cravings (They still happen - but less often) Fatigue (Still present, but better than before) Caffeine (Doesn't do shit and knowing that but still trying to get some sort of buzz) Staying on task (Knowing Adderall helped this but hurt everything else so now it's up to just me to get simple things done - and I'm ok with that) No libido (Still a work in progress) Reliefs My life doesn't revolve around a stupid little orange football, and for that I am grateful My fingers aren't swollen all the time, gums aren't burning, bleeding and receding, teeth and jaw don't ache from clenching all day, no more dry eyes, heart palpitations are gone, no muscle twitches and cramping, no more facial burning, no more picking my face and scalp until they bleed and scab over, no lung burning, no more ice cold twitching feet, no shaking, no going 5 days without sleep and just wishing I could get 2hrs, no more dehydration, no forcing food down and not enjoying any part of it, no more constant peeing or feeling like I have to pee with nothing coming out, no more diarrhea or flank pains, no more feeling like my body might give out, no more chasing a high and waiting for a comedown, no more hating myself for this vicious cycle, no more internal battle between wanting to crash and not wanting to comedown, no more wanting help but not wanting to let go of that little pill, no more worrying that I won't be anything without a pill No more worrying that I might die but still choosing to pop another pill because I'm so addicted. My relationships are better than ever, with everyone. My fiancé proposed to me, because he didn't want to marry me addicted to a pill (and I don't blame him). No longer a hermit because I'd rather feel my high than go out and get distracted No more waiting on the day to refill or begging friends to get me to my next refill No more fucking Adderall. I couldn't be happier with my decision to quit and couldn't be more proud of myself. You can do this. I can't tell you how many times I read that statement on other people's posts and thought to myself I couldn't do it, but here I am. Just take the first step, flush the shit and call your doctor to cancel your script or remove those friends who have access to it. Your life is worth so much more. Best wishes. -NurseAddy

After using Adderall for nine years, I quit on June 3, 2011. Nine years later and I'm still speed-free. Life is certainly better and easier in abstinence rather that chasing those silly orange and blue pills, and dealing with the awful side effects of the addiction and uncontrollable overconsumption. This forum was essential for my quitting success and I am grateful for its existence.

My husband reached four years yesterday. He said, "Thanks for saving my life". Of course, he saved his own life but any help I provided was mainly due to knowledge I gained from all of you. There really is no other resource online that comes close.

I can't believe I remembered my password, when I forgot so much about my life. I was an avid poster to this site, so much so I was granted admin rights... this is about 3 years ago, so hello old friends For those whom I don't know, I quit Adderall many times, and thought I had it beat, but went on year long bender when my husband and I broke up and I lost everything. While I can't say I think adderall is solely to blame, I do know that I behaved like a total meth-head towards the end, my behavior was totally out of control. I was taking around 120mg/day, not sleeping, eating, drinking water, nothing. I would walk home from a bar in midtown at 4am in 3 inch heels just for the "fun" of it. I lived near wall street. I eventually got fired from every job, lost all my money, and returned to my hometown to live with my mother. As a woman in her early 40s that was not easy. I got a job eventually and I've gained 30lbs, but that dark period of my life from 2011-2015 was so confused by my adderall binges that I am just getting over the ptsd of what I did to myself. Anyway for everyone on here who tried to reach out, I'm sorry. All I can say is that I still get cravings for adderall and I am working on rebuilding my life. I am happy for family, and for self forgiveness. Stay strong, friends.

Hello All. I have been visiting these forums off and on over the last few years, but never posted myself. Reading about other people who have similar struggles has helped me through some tough times, so I want to add some of my story here in case it might help anyone who might find this. I started using Adderall when I was 22, just a few months out of college. At the time I wasn't in a great place emotionally; I was really depressed, discontent, and bored with what I perceived life to be after college. One Friday night, being bored with weed and alcohol I asked a friend to procure some Ecstasy, instead he showed up with some Adderall. My immediate reaction was that I really liked the way I felt, which very quickly turned into a 'realization' that ADD was and always had been what was 'wrong' with me. I messed around with Adderall XRs, IRs, and Vyvanse for a few weeks before taking my self diagnosis to a psychiatrist. Upon my presenting a litany of ADD symptoms, strategically admitting my illicit use and how much the drugs 'helped' me, I requested and was 'awarded' a 50mg/day script of Vyvanse. My first few months on Vyvanse were awesome. I worked in financial sales, and my production skyrocketed. I was making more money than I knew what do with, I enjoyed and seemed to be enjoyed more by my friends, lost some weight, girls seemed to like me way more, I was a way better golfer. The list goes on and on. What is less clear, is how quickly things turned on me for the worse. Over the course of my first year on Vyvanse I developed a severe obsession with sports gambling. Very quickly I became a guy who spent all day at work researching sports bets, and all night smoking weed and gambling in his closet, alone. About a year into my use I ended up in a tremendous amount of credit card debt from my gambling, quit my job, and moved in with some extended family out of state. I made my first attempt to quit, flushing my pills and swearing that I wouldn't go to a psychiatrist in my new home state. I made it 3 months or so before I had enough and visited a new psych to procure another script. 60mg/day Vyvanse. This time was very similar to the first time around. Things got better for a few months, and then they started to get worse. People around me liked my production at work and home, but started to confront me over my ever increasing weed/alcohol habits. Instead of quitting this time, I told my psych I wasn't getting enough out of the Vyvanse, and he added 15mg Adderall IR to my daily regimen. The Adderall became my 'fun' script by design. I would blow through it in a week or so every month, time my crash for a weekend, and keep my Vyvanse as a baseline. My attention was pulled further and further away from my actual job as my obsessions became more and more ridiculous. I was going to be a pro golfer, but for sure was not good enough. I was going to be a pro gamer, enough said. I was going to make a living flipping Pokemon cards, not sure how or why. The point is I transformed from reasonable and responsible to ridiculous and it's hard for me to even recall how it happened. This went on for a couple years until I once again quit about 7 months ago. It was terrible. I became severely suicidal, lost my job, and ended up in inpatient rehab for a month. Right now I am 191 days clean, unemployed, living with my mom and step-dad, focusing on my recovery. I am sleeping, eating, and exercising much better than I was. On Wednesday I begin the process of filing for bankruptcy. The mental health and financial cost of my past use is enough to keep me from going back at this point. At the same time its very difficult. I have no clue what interests me anymore. Anhedonia is awful and I feel deeply nihilistic at times. I can stay strong today, just in case those of you who say it gets better are right.

Hey everyone! I hope you all are well and clean and living the good life! The website has changed, and it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been super focused on finishing my degree, and I FINALLY DID IT!! I finished my PhD..... without adderall! For anyone who doesn't know my story, I quit adderall 2.5 years into my grad program. (It was my second time quitting. The first was junior year of college..... which also lasted 5+ years. Re-hooked instantly, which is why I do not recommend ever turning back!) So, I'm posting this just to let you all know that I'm still alive and clean, but also to let people know that, seriously, if I could do this without adderall, then you can do whatever you want without it. Over the past few years, I almost quit grad school repeatedly. Adderall-free, and in grad school, I have had several traumatic deaths in my family, 3+ major heartbreaks, other huge losses, massive financial issues, major depression, daily panic attacks, horrific interpersonal conflicts.... you name it. I've literally been through the worst things life has to offer over the course of my time here. In hindsight, I thought I was quitting adderall halfway through grad school. Turns out it takes an average of 7 years, not 5, to finish a PhD. When I look back, adderall was just a little part of my coursework. Sadly, in some ways it did set the tone for my entire time here, and to be honest, it kind of ruined my social life as well as key relationships I needed to develop early on. So if you are about to start grad/law/med school and are contemplating quitting, I cannot recommend it enough. But I can't dwell on regrets. And my dissertation, along with almost all of my teaching, well, that's been adderall-free. And I am so happy about that! My work would have suffered in quality if I had not quit. There is no way in hell I could have done all of this if I hadn't quit adderall when I did. Adderall would have ruined me. My life, my work, everything. How did I do it? To be honest, for the past year, it's been the mentality of "by any means necessary." So I have been eating a lot of sweets late at night while writing. And recently I've gained a ton of weight. (It's very common among phd students, but no excuse.) So I'm working on body acceptance, and I'm also gearing up to start running again and to lose all this weight. Ugh. Also: naptime every day. Down time. I like work hard for an hour or more, then take an hour or more off. That's how I get things done best: in focused, intensive chunks. But different people work in different ways. So it's important to figure out what works best for you. And perhaps most importantly: Being kind to myself. Celebrating small victories. Dance parties, all the time. Support from friends and family. Therapy. Self-help workbooks. Accepting my anxiety and insomnia, and learning to channel both into my work. Remembering WHY I am in this. Never, ever, EVER stopping. In the end, it's all about embracing how much it sucks. Experiencing the fear, pain, trauma, depression, anxiety, the full range of emotions. These are part of life, part of being human. You realize that you're going to feel that way no matter what, so you might as well do the next big difficult thing. My journey has been very imperfect, very hard, and to be honest, horrific. I'm happy to talk about it if you want! But mainly, I am putting this out there in the hopes that someone might see that it IS possible for a daily, high-dosage adderall user to quit and still finish grad school.

My wife was diagnosed with ADHD almost 20 years ago. At first, I dipped into her Dexedrine bottles on weekends when we were out clubbing so I could be the life of the party. In 2009, the company I worked for switched from random urine tests to random hair tests. I was forced to find my own doctor and my own prescription if I were going to continue to use amphetamines. I found my own Adderall script and my weekend warrior ways continued. I was training for a 1/2 marathon in 2014 and a training buddy told me that Adderall was the key to running long distances. Now, in addition to my weekend use, I started taking Adderall before all of my training runs. It was a simple jump (at least to me) if Adderall could help me train better, it could help me work better. If it could help me work better, it could help me.... Over the past few months, life has come full circle. I am back to raiding my wife's bottle to for a few pills for the weekend. Only now I raid her bottle because I have used all of mine. She is starting to notice the missing pills and my excuses about giving mine to friends is running thin. On the weekends, I take a lot of Adderall, run long distances, and stay up late drinking with friends. On the Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I take a small dose to get through work and then I come home and sleep. On Thursday, I take a large dose to run and cover miles. On Friday, the weekend starts and so does this miserable cycle I find myself trapped in. My children seem like a burden, a nuisance. They get in the way of my buzz or my sleep. I have no control over my temper now and I explode over the smallest transgressions. My oldest child really needs my guidance at this point in life and I am either speeding, sleeping or jonesing. I look back and try to pinpoint the day where my priorities got so messed up but the look back seems so hazy. Everything I love and have worked for feels like its slipping away. My wife, my children, and my career all seem to be on shaky ground. Even if I make changes now, I'm not sure I can save the life I knew. I've been having suicidal thoughts of late. Nothing acute, but more the "what if" kind of thoughts. I have a beautiful family and beautiful children, a lot to fight for, and a life worth saving if only for my boys. Last night, as I tried to explain to my wife why our checking account was overdrawn and why her debit card was rejected while she was out black Friday shopping with her friends, I started looking for help and I found this site. Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories here. I have read many of them and will read any more. For the first time in a long time, the word 'hope' is starting to bubble just below the surface and I realize for the first time, other people have been through this and survived. And now my journey begins.

I truly can't believe it's been 2 years since I've started this journey of giving up something that meant so much to me, and I truly thought I couldn't live without...adderall. When I reflect back on what my life was like two years ago before I quit versus the life I have now, I am SO grateful for where I am. The last one and a half to two years of my seven years of adderall use were pretty heavy abuse. I was simply existing and working to buy more and more and more pills. I was in the darkest of places emotionally and mentally, and I knew something was bound to happen, whether it be jail, psych ward, or honestly I wasn't so sure death wasn't a possibility. I woke up to get high, I was living with a man fifteen years older than me who had no intention of marrying me or even having a future with me, and I was a lost soul. These past two years have been both a struggle but some of the most rewarding times of my life. One thing I definitely lost along the way was my confidence. I didn't feel or believe I deserved a better life. When I quit adderall, I didn't really have the option to just get by anymore. I had to learn to attempt to build a life of something I was proud of, because I wasn't hiding behind drugs anymore. The best part about it is I actually CARED and had the desire to make a better life for myself. I finished college in December, am starting my new career next Monday (ahhhh!) and have found a relationship with a man that truly values me. I still think about adderall. I'm looking forward to the time when I don't (if that ever happens), but through the help of this site and my counselor (and lots and lots of prayer) I feel like I've found ways to deal with it. I'm nervous/scared to begin my career, but I know letting fear stand in the way is the last thing I want to happen. I still deal with being tired often, but I doubt this has a whole lot to do with adderall at this point. I plan on making an appointment at a sleep study center to see if I can get any answers as to why. For those of you who have helped me along the way, I'm SO grateful for you all, and I truly don't think I'd have two years under my belt without your support. At the beginning, I was a mess (still am sometimes), and Cassie, LilTex, Inrecovery, and quit-once, you put up with me from the beginning I continue to learn a lot from this site from so many of you....too many to name. For those of you struggling with giving up adderall, you can do it! It is SO worth it!

I believe someone may have posted something like this before, but i decided i should do my own, just in case i find myself craving some of those life-ruining, soul-crushing pills that we like to call adderall. Like a friend reminder as to why i decided to quit in the first place. Please add on if you have anything to share. I realized i actually did NOT want my brain to turn to mush. Being slightly dramatic, but i have noticed i am not as quick and witty as i once was. I am slow, always at a loss for words, forgetting absolutely anything and everything. I really don't want to wake up one day and have it be too late. I don't want want to become less and less intelligent as each day passes. Then the term 'older and wiser' would NOT apply to me. I don't want my teeth to fall out...or whatever happens when you abuse adderall for a while. I did notice they became more yellow and have lost a ton more enamel, but i could attribute that to my bulimia :-/ I want to REALLY enjoy sex again!!! TMI perhaps, but i used to be able to have a good orgasm. Ever since the adderall, can't cum for the life of me. Sure i enjoy sex, but never get that 'reward' lmao and never find myself horny either. I miss my sense of humor. I am not your stereotypical adhd, bouncing off the walls person. I am shy at first, but once you get to know me i am a total goofball, like to laugh and make others laugh. But not on adderall. I am a boring, robotic, monotone loser on adderall. I am not kind on adderall. I used to be the type of person to take care of friends and family, feel bad for them, very selfless to a fault. But since abusing the pills i became extremely selfish and oblivious to others and their needs. Especially my loved ones. I am scared if i keep taking adderall that i will never find love. I am not looking for love, nor do i think i am ready to get back into a relationship nor want to at this point. BUT i do at SOME point and if i kept abusing the pills i would have no idea how to open up to someone. I have had sexual encounters on the adderall, but whenever someone tried to get to know me on a deeper level or ask me questions about my feelings, i literally froze up. No words came out of my mouth. A robot does not love. A robot does not feel. And i clearly was a robot. I want so desperately to develop a healthy lifestyle with food!!! Off adderall i am still struggling with bulimia, yes. But on it, i was barely eating anything, then i would drink a shitton of vodka and most of the time binge and purge anyways. So it was that much worse on the pills. I can't exercise for shit on adderall. I have no desire to anyways, but i was too scared i would have a heart attack if i ran on the treadmill high. I don't want to get all old, ugly, and wrinkled and faster than i have to! And from what i have read, adderall ages you faster than normal. Big surprise. I want my blue fingers to go the fuck and stay the fuck away!!! Talk about embarrassing. I want to be able to go to sleep without the help of a downer! I want to be able to wake up and get through a normal day without the help of an upper. THE ADDERALL CRASH!!!!! One of the biggest issues i had with adderall. The crash was debilitating. I have NO idea how i got through the crash the first few months abusing adderall. After the first few months i started turning to heavy drinking and weed to alleviate the crash READING BOOKS. I have always loved to read, but i haven't read a book since the day i started adderall. I felt it was a waste of time. Time i could spend shopping, wasting money on shit i don't want or need, cleaning, spending 2 hours trying to decide what kind of cupcake recipe i should use to bake cupcakes that i wouldn't eat, organizing and color coordinating my closet, painting my nails 7 different times in one day! (i kid you not, i went back and forth to kmat 3 times in 2 hours just because i needed the perfect colors. I will never quit cigarettes if i didn't quit adderall. I used to be a more positive person. Not like 'look at what a beautiful day it is today! lets all sing and hold hands!' but i had hope and lots of it. I could be a negative cunt sometimes, we all have our days. But on adderall, everyday is negative ass bitch day. I don't like being a pessimistic pissant. I wont be considered an alcoholic anymore because i wont have the need to be throwing back 4-15 shots of vodka a night. I never was much of a drinker before the adderall. Yeah, i like to drink on weekends with friends, but on adderall it was outta control. Drinking alone every night, just to get to sleep. SLEEP. I love sleep now. Once again. Sleep is my friend. Sleep is beautiful!!!!!! Sleep is my escape! Not pills. I want to have kids and a family one day. And i don't want adderall fucking that up. Well, im fucking tired and have to wake up in like 6 hours. There's many more reasons, but this is all for tonight. More reasons i forgot... Shaking hands. Adderall caused my hands to shake uncontrollably. Everyone noticed. Hot flashes. On adderall i started tog et really bad hot flashes. i would break out in a red rash on my chest and face. It felt like i was on fire. And this got 10X worse if someone pissed me off. I was like the hulk, but i turned red and angry. TWITCHES. This one scared me the most. My head would do this quick, uncontrollable twitch when the adderall was wearing off. So would my legs and arms, but mostly the head. I couldn't hold my head up without leaning on my hands sometimes or else it would twitch bad. When on the adderall, even if i was seriously sad or pissed i was unable to cry. I would try so hard. I needed to get this sadness out after a horrible day at work, but i could not cry for the life of me. Lost all my creativity. I used to have SO many ideas for new dessert recipes and ideas. (i am in pastry school) but since the adderall, i have become cut and dry. Just do it and do it perfect, don't think outside the box. I don't recall if i had this ability before or not, but when i close my eyes and try to envision say a fantasy or picture the ocean for example...it is all black and white. There are no colors. No vivid imagery. I have SUCH a hard time imagining anything on adderall. But last night the most amazing thing happened. I had a dream about a flower that was as tall as a tree. It was all in color! I never have dreams in color. It was the most beautiful flower/dream i have ever seen. It sounds stupid, but i woke up so happy. And the best part, i REMEMBERED my dream! I haven't remembered a dream in over a year!!! .

I am four years off Adderall as of a couple weeks ago. After this long, one doesn't really notice the specific year anniversary dates anymore, just a sense of the general time frame. I thought I would put together a little timeline of my recovery, since there are a lot of newbies here. It might help with some of the questions and uncertainty in recovery, although remember that I'm not you. No one is. Your individual recovery is a function of a lot of things - your age, dosage, length of use, diet, exercise, support, commitment, and attitude being the biggest factors. I won't go into my original story here. If you're interested you can find it by the title "The Two-Month Itch" on the Tell your story forum. This is more of a timeline of how I felt at each stage of recovery. Days 1-30: Fatigue, brain fog, existential despair - the usual. However, I had quit for one month periods before so I knew the drill. I also had two weeks off from work so I wasn't sweating it too much. Diet: Small, frequent high protein meals. Lots of veggies. Lots of high protein snacks such as hard boiled eggs, nuts, edamame, beef jerky, etc. More meat than I usually eat. Supplements: Multivitamin, l-tyrosine 500-1000 mg/day. Also occasionally a supplement I bought online called 'focus factor' or something. I can't remember. I honestly never felt like supplements really did anything and I didn't take them daily. Exercise: Bikram yoga 2x/week, hiking on Sundays, leisurely walks during the week Days 30-72: Worse fatigue, worse brain fog, and worse existential despair. This was the worst of the withdrawal period for me. Diet: Small, frequent high protein meals. Lots of high protein snacks such as hard boiled eggs, nuts, edamame, beef jerky, etc. More meat than I usually eat. Supplements: Multivitamin, l-tyrosine 500-1000 mg/day. Exercise: Bikram yoga 2-3x/week, still hiking on Sundays, leisurely walks during the week Day 73: I will never forget the first day I felt PHYSICAL ENERGY! This was a huge encouragement. Days 74-150: Still fatigued many days but having more energy overall, brain fog is improving, still very anhedonic. Diet: Small, frequent high protein meals. Lots of high protein snacks such as hard boiled eggs, nuts, edamame, beef jerky, etc. More meat than I usually eat. Supplements: Multivitamin, l-tyrosine 500-1000 mg/day. Exercise: Bikram yoga 2-3x/week, still hiking on Sundays, leisurely walks during the week 6 months: This is when I stopped counting the days and started counting the months. Doing okay at work but still very unmotivated, depressed, and socially awkward. Went on a family trip at this time and felt very uncomfortable in my own skin. Felt like I was always second guessing myself in conversation. Lots of social awkwardness around this time. 7 months: Feeling very fatigued and depressed around this time. I start going to some SMART Recovery meetings which helps. 10 months: Very low energy - took a low dose of Wellbutrin on and off at this time. I had some leftover from years ago. This helped give me an energy boost. If you're going to take an antidepressant at all, I recommend this one (but just short term- you don't want more med dependency). 1 year: Feeling much more comfortable with sobriety. More inner strength. Took up some new hobbies at this time. Still lacking self-confidence and self-conscious about my ability to learn. Still socially awkward but it's improving. TIME STARTS GOING SO MUCH FASTER NOW. 18 months: Feeling like I need more challenges/change in my life. Adopt two rescue dogs. Quit my job. Actually feeling some sparks of life within me. Still very anhedonic some days though. Make some good decisions and some poor decisions during this time. Start a new job and have strong Adderall cravings but they pass. Go to some Pills Anonymous meetings around this time. 2 years: Feeling much better than at one year. Social awkwardness is better. Anhedonia is lessening. More social in general. Still struggling with self-confidence though. 3 years: This past year flew by. Feeling much better than two years. Have a new, more challenging job. Seeking out challenges and more self-assertive. More confidence in my ability to learn. Still struggling with motivation and some self-confidence issues. Ween down my caffeine intake to one cup of tea a day. 4 years: This past year also flew by. Feeling great. I'm the most positive I've been, attitude-wise. Starting to eat mostly vegan meals (occasionally eat meat and eggs though so I do eat some animal products, but very little dairy). A plant based diet has made my energy levels skyrocket. Also, drinking minimal caffeine. Feeling much more self-confident, but also laid back and self-deprecating like I used to be before Adderall. I feel normal again. This has been a crazy journey, but so well worth it. All these positive changes I've made have been slow and painstaking, which means they've stuck. I hope you all realize you're good enough on your own, without drugs. Nothing worth doing in life is easy.

Hi all, haven’t been active on here much at all the past year. Anyone who remembers or knows me, today is three years clean of adderall. Words can’t describe what it’s like looking back to the state I was in, only my imagination remembers and it can’t be put in words how much different I am and life is now. I do drink alcohol a few times a week but I’m so much healthier now than back then. I can remember particular days and nights early in recovery and how I felt and it is a 100 times better now. I’d like to say I have an amazing drive and motivating purpose to my life but sadly I work to live and do the best I can. I contribute my lose of true purpose and finding that calling to adderall days but I have hope I’ll eventually find it. Anyways, I’m playing music, working as a quality control inspector at a concrete company and not a crack head anymore. Lol to all the new people check out my old post, I wish you the best. To my old friends and fellow posters, I wish you the best and cherish the support and relationships formed over this forum. all the best Cameron

Adderall broke everything in my life and there were quite a few things for me to fix. The first thing I focused on was sobriety at all costs. I also worked on getting over the incredible psychological dependency I had on it. It felt like I had to relearn how to do everything without relying on an Adderall to do it. I also had to get back into the workforce as Adderall had caused me to get fired from my job and I had built up a huge gap on my resume. I decided to go back to school to be in an environment that would set me up to go back into the workforce. I chose a school in Florida right by the beaches so I'd be in an extremely low pressure environment. Learning to study for exams and write papers etc without Adderall was an invaluable experience. Then I took a graduate assistant job in one of the departments (just answering phones, faxing and making photocopies). That gave me a lot more confidence I could handle working again without Adderall . Then I worked on explaining to friends and family that I had hurt and who saw me go down the drain what happened to me - I explained to them the mechanics of addiction and how it caused my neurotransmitters to get messed up so they could at least understand what happened to me. Eventually I started living a normal life again, had regained much more confidence in myself and regained more of friend and familys confidence in me. At the same time the physical after effects of PAWS kept dwindling away and there were less and less days where I felt horrible from my brain trying to recalibrate itself from not having the drug. Now that things are back to normal again, I always keep myself aware that if I take a single pill everything can come crashing down. That fear of losing everything I've rebuilt prevents me from ever considering taking it again.

Whoa!! I haven't been on here in forever, but something told me to pop back in. I've been off of adderall for 11 months, and life is good. I very rarely think about it anymore. I still have fatigue, but it's very tolerable. Nothing compared to the miserable cycle of addiction I was in for 15 years on that awful drug. Anyway, just wanted to check in and tell anyone who thinks life isn't do-able without adderall, it is. It so is!!

Today marks 1 year adderall-free! I don't think I've ever been more grateful for anything in my entire life, and I want to thank you all who have been there with me on this journey. I've cried some happy tears over the past few days, because I never, ever thought I would be where I am. It turns out that the Ashley that I thought was weak and incapable has strength that I never even knew I had. I will write more later, but I'm going to bed for now. Let me tell you all that are fighting the good fight, it's worth it, and if I can do it, so can YOU. I'm so blessed, and I thank God every single day for getting my life back. I can't even believe one day at a time has turned into 365.

Hi everyone, It’s been 10 months and 3 weeks since I took my last pill of adderall. I took somewhere between 60mg and 80mg both IR and XR even though I was prescribed only 30mg XR and 15mg IR a day. I was on it for 5 years. I just wanted to hop on here and thank everyone for their posts and for sharing super valuable information. I am 100% confident that I would’ve not made it this far if it wasn't for this forum. I also wanted to share a few things that have helped me this far and that could help you: 1. Lower your expectations on how you are going to feel and your productivity for the FIRST ENTIRE YEAR. Since my last pill I have had more bad days than good. Months 1 - 3 were hard BUT 4 - 9 were unbearable. The anxiety, the depression, the exhaustion, the anhedonia are incredible. Getting close to 11 months I'm finally starting to feel a little productive and happier (some days :)) 2. Put your recovery FIRST. No matter how much pressure you feel to be productive or get out of bed, always think that nothing is more important than your recovery and that the ONLY way to recover is going through this process, giving it TIME. I have done the absolute minimum during this time and I have come to terms with it. 3. Do not put ANY pressure on yourself. Many times I felt that I needed to get out of bed and be productive or go to the gym (I gained a lot of weight) or do laundry when I felt like doing nothing. I would get so frustrated and that made me want adderall even more. DON’T fall for this. You are in a temporary process, just go with the flow. 4. Educate yourself - understand PAWS: Knowing what is happening to your brain and your body is SUPER important. Through my recovery I have had more PAWS days than good days but they are finally starting to ease up. People relapse thinking that they are going crazy and that they’ll never be able to function like a normal person again but that’s not true. 5. Weight gain: I was so hard on myself for gaining 30lbs but you shouldn't. Just accept it and know that this is temporary and you’ll be able to lose the weight once your energy returns. I’m slowly starting to lose it now that I have more energy to exercise and no longer have the crazy hunger. I hope this helps some of you. And remember… there is NO OTHER WAY out than going through it so you just have to keep going!

Hello my friends! I have 11 months today and after lurking around this site for the past year, I finally have enough mojo and clarity to share. I want to start with a huge THANK YOU to everyone who shares their stories and struggles so a guy like me can understand WTF is happening on this journey from darkness to the light. All your stories really helped and I love you all for it. I chose ‘Speed Racer” as my ID because I totally identify with this classic cartoon character, not so much these days in recovery, but definitely during my many years of Adderall use. NOW after 11 months, the dust is settling and the fog is lifting. I survived what seemed to be one crazy PTSD crises after another. It lasted for years and years until I finally got to a place where I could direct all my attention to recovery. It was a 15-year gauntlet of pain, loss, and suffering I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and I took Adderall the whole time. It gave me the strength and power to fight. It lifted me out of my fear and depression. I used it because I could at least function and survive what was happening to me. I was first diagnosed with ADD during a nightmarish divorce with custody battles from hell in 2001 and I continued to use Adderall through my career battles where I was constantly fighting for my reputation, my career, and my sanity. Years later, I finally made it to the other side safely. I am finally in recovery. I was sure the Adderall helped me avoid total destruction. But now Im not so sure. I wonder how much of my suffering was self-inflicted or aggravated by the Adderall. Where exactly was I self-deceived about the drug? Was the medication actually making everything worse? Could I have avoided years and years of pain and suffering with a strong surrender and commitment to sobriety in 2007 when I first tried? I think so! Ever since I finally surrendered 11 months ago, my life has gotten supremely better in so many ways. All the crazy drama miraculously went away. But I am suffering in a different way, one with waves of depression, anhedonia, PAWS, lack of confidence, lack of clarity, and a limited social life. But even with that, I can also say I have never had it so good. I am no longer fighting someone or something. I learned some amazing principals from AA and the program has really put things in perspective. I love the 12 steps. Although I may not be an “alcoholic” per se, the literature and the elements of living a spiritual life are amazing. Today, all my needs are getting met. I have been granted the time and space to recover not only from the Adderall but all the stress injuries accumulated along the way. The most valuable lesson I learned from this site has to be the actual timeline for recovery. I have come to accept the fact it will probably take me 2 years to get to my baseline. I used Adderall for almost 20 years together with booze and sleeping pills. I agree with one post I read which compares our condition to a chemically induced “traumatic brain injury” and like all brain injuries, it takes at least 2 years to heal. I also need healing from all the traumatic stress, loss and grief along the way. I was numbed up with adderall for almost 20 years. My mojo is probably better today than its been all year. Thats why I can finally write something. With all the daily fluctuations, the stock price (my emotional health) keeps rising higher and higher over time. I am getting more and more days of clarity and motivation. Tomorrow I will probably get hit with another wave of depression or fatigue and the stock price will drop significantly, but I am prepared for it. There have probably been at least 10 times where I would have given up if I didnt know the waves do pass. They always pass if I take the right actions with diet, nutrition, exercise, prayer and meditation. Every time I get in a funk I go to this site and then I start coming up with a list of simple actions I can take to get my needs met. Needs for community, companionship, understanding, love, exercise, etc...I call a friend and set up a time to get together. I go for a hike. I call my brother. I try to help others. The waves of pain always pass with right action. Taking right action always gives me relief. It usually takes a day or two but it does come. Understanding where my basic human needs are going unmet, helps me identify what may be triggering my depression. I am learning about of my own basic needs and how to meet them without taking a pill.

Hey all, it has now been 2 continuous years since I last used Adderall and Vyvanse; May 6 will mark 2 years since I have had any drink or drug (I struggled with Adderall, alcohol, weed, and vicodin). It's been a long journey to this point, but at the same time it feels like the time has flown by and I am so thankful that drugs and alcohol no longer run the show in my life. I'm thankful for this forum, for the opportunity it gave me to read, learn, and not feel alone. And now to help others who are earlier on in the journey. You all matter and have played a role in my recovery. My life is better now. It really is. Looking back at my old posts and remembering the journey it's crazy to see how far I've come. I posted a lot about loneliness, emotional issues dealing with unemployment, moving back in with my mom, meaninglessness, lack of confidence, etc. Circumstantially every one of those things have improved. I'm starting a great new job in a few weeks, I'll be able financially to move out next year, I'm planning on getting married next spring, and I'm in better shape than ever. But recovery isn't really about getting your stuff back. Things either happen or they don't. The circumstances don't actually change what goes on inside of us. In some ways I am struggling more while things are good, because there will always be a part of me that thinks things could be "just a little bit better or more exciting". I still get bored, feel lonely, go through bouts of being down, and have some awful days. But that's ok, life is good. I can sit quietly in a room alone. And I no longer need another drink, drag, or drug to get through my days. I'm free.

2 Years – Its been a very long road getting to this milestone. I feel like the first year was the hardest year of my life and was all pure healing time with many ups and downs; year two is when I actually began to slowly function again. Overall, I am much more myself now than my Adderall days or at any point in the first year of recovery. I actually “want” to do things and have become motivated to work and catch up with my hobbies again. I went from almost out of business to showing a profit again and catching up all my finances mainly in year 2. I still have some odd physical symptoms and low energy days/moments/afternoons are usually when I feel a little down. Evenings are still not a very strong social time for me as by then I am pretty wiped from my day to deal with intense social situations. The feeling of pleasure is still not as great as it once was pre-Adderall… However I am accepting and just trying to make the most of each day. For those new to recovery… My biggest advice would be limit sugar/carb intake and exercise no matter how hard it is and how tired you are. Cardio is a must in recovery! Tyrosine I do believe to be helpful however I cannot say that any supplements I tried (and I tried a lot) gave me any instant relief of measurable improvement. The healing process seems to be slow and unsteady regardless of actions and you really don’t ever feel like things are improving until you find yourself handling a situation that you couldn’t deal with a few months prior. My advice is to never give up and do not give in to temptation. Exercise & eat healthy and do what you can to keep a healthy consistent sleep schedule. Supplements can’t hurt however do your research and don’t over do it… Any product promising energy will likely hurt your recovery process as it will be loaded with caffeine and who knows what else which will just create another dependency. I still find any of these stimulants really affect me now, I can feel really good after an energy drink however I really crash after sometimes for the entire next day… So I avoid anything more than my daily cup of coffee… I’m not here as much as I used to be however, I still read and comment when I see an area that I can offer input or support. Thank you all for your support here it really helped my survival especially the first year!

Hey QA friends! Hope everyone had a great 4th! It has been awhile since I've posted, but Tuesday will officially mark 3 years off of adderall!!! I remember reading the posts of those who were reaching 3, 4, 5 years and beyond and how unattainable that seemed in the early days of my quit. While there is no easy way to get through this process, if you commit to staying quit no matter what life throws your way, these milestones will be reached, and quicker than you'd imagine. Adderall becomes but a distant memory, along with a life you used to live. My life is truly great these days, certainly not perfect, but I can say that I am both happy and optimistic about the future. I finished my first year of grad school, got a promotion (the second since getting clean), and have found my soulmate who I can't wait to build a life with. Most importantly though, I am happy with myself and so proud of the person I have become. None of this would have been possible if I were still on adderall. I was a shell of a person, isolated, empty, nothing more than a slave to a little orange pill. Quitting has and probably will always be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I will never forget the agony and the despair of that first year when suicide seemed like the only way out. I feel so deeply for all of you who are going through this right now. It's not in your head, you're not crazy, this shit really is that miserable!! So miserable! Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to do (or not do) what you need to get through this. I promise you that the life you deserve is waiting for you on the other side.

Hey QA friends! I can't believe I've finally made it to the elusive 2 year mark. I can see why a lot of people's activity on the forums seems to taper off at this point. I would say life is back to normal, or at least a new normal where my thoughts of adderall are few and far in between. I can't even begin to describe how starkly different years 1 and 2 were from each other. Year 1: depressed, suicidal, isolated, hopeless, seemingly endless weight gain Year 2: Feel natural motivation and happiness, have true and honest relationships, working towards and achieving goals- got a promotion, bought a house, studied for and crushed GMAT, applied to grad school and am starting MBA next month. Basically, i finally have all the things adderall promised but never delivered.. A huge thank you to everyone on this site who has been with me on this crazy journey. I absolutely could not have done it without the support of this community and am forever grateful. Hope everyone is well and adderall free!!

All, I have missed you guys. I hate to come clean, but here I am and it feels incredibly good to be back. I resumed drinking again 11 months ago and that was not a good idea. I never went back on adderall full time thank God, but I did have some run ends with it here and there. Anyhow, I know I am back to being clean and sober for good this time. I have zero doubt in my mind that I'll fall off again. I just want to tell you if you ever think that it's worth it to go back to your addiction for any reason, it's not. It will always achieve the same outcome - misery & pain. It's a great way to self destruct everything you love and care about along with your self respect. I haven't felt this great in months. I am loving being sober again and so excited to be back on this journey of health, fitness, and happiness. All the pills, drugs, and alcohol cannot fill that void within and will only make it worse. I'm just grateful to know what awaits me on the path of recovery and stoked to embark on this path again. Much love you to you all and GODSPEED my friends. <3 LT

I've been thinking about what separates people who succeed with quitting and staying off Adderall vs the people who tend to waver in their commitment to quitting the drug. We come from different backgrounds.. are different ages.. and have differing perspectives on life. And yet, none of these factors seem to correlate well to future success of quitting and stay off Adderall.. So what gives? What factor can explain this phenomenon? Can a single factor even be held responsible? I believe there is. I wish to contend that the most important factor for quitting Adderall is.. Ownership... ownership over what Duffman? Ownership over one's own situation and one's own commitment to quitting Adderall... .. really? That's the best he can come up with? You're probably thinking. Hear me out though. I've noticed after reading hundreds of posts on this forum that there are two types of people: People who designate themselves as the victim and search for who is at fault for their current situation (e.g. that damned Dr gave me another script!! How DARE they?) or people who accept responsibility for their situation and move forward to figuring out how to better than situation. Before I continue forward, let me clarify something. What's the difference between 'being at fault' for something vs 'being responsible' for something? I bolded the word responsibility above for a reason and it's important: It may or may not be your fault or anyone's fault that you're in your current situation with Adderall.. It's next to useless to figure out who is at fault.. However, it is your RESPONSIBILITY to figure out the best way forward at this point. So taking ownership of your situation also means taking responsibility for your recovery. How it happened doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that matters is how to move forward given your unique circumstances. Posting on here with your concerns and your struggles has value, don't get me wrong.. I get it, trust me. But, at some point, you need to recognize that these problems are in fact your problems and YOU are the one who is responsible for them. This is where taking ownership comes into play. These are two examples: 1) Feel yourself gaining weight? Recognize this is common with quitting stimulants and begin eating a healthier diet and initiate a workout routine. It's not fair how this happens, but doing something about it is the only way forward. 2) Feel yourself sapped of motivation? This is also common. Start by doing something small and build from it. I realized after taking a short walk I would experience a small but noticeable surge in motivation to do what needed to be done. Quitting Adderall is the single best thing you can do for your current and future health. You know this. Quitting this drug has not only increased my quality of life, but saved my life. I was in free fall during the peak of my Adderall abuse and the landing wasn't looking pretty. The only direction to move is forward. Do this for yourself. Quit Adderall now. And to do this, you must take full ownership of your situation. So I want to end this with a series of questions: Is quitting Adderall a path you want to travel? Did anyone say it would be easy?... Do you have a choice? Thank you for reading.

I feel now things are really getting back to normal for those keeping tabs I stopped nov 27th 2015. The dieting and exercise helped no doubt but the only real cure i feel now is getting so far away from that quit date your subconscious gives up the fight to say you need adderall to function on a daily basis. I'm actually climbing out of my huge debt I never thought I'd get over. Enjoying life wanting to go out , enjoying my kids more , listing to music again not just sports talk radio not sure why but that's all I really wanted listenen to until recently. If you can somehow get this far it gets better I promise but it's been a damn battle and I know seems like it will never end. This is the first time I honestly feel like I'm finally winning this fight before I was just making myself do it no matter how I felt. Hope this is inspirational if you look at my long list of post it seems I was destin to give in but I'm a stubborn sob for better or worse and told myself I'd never do it or OxyContin again and haven't since.

I've officially been off of Adderall for 9 months! It has been the most miserable 9 months of my life but I am alive and doing OK. So the first 1-3 months were brutal because of depression, anxiety, and lack of motivation. I struggled daily to just get out of bed and do anything. I survived by writing in my journal and going to the park to walk around, and I checked this forum daily. Months 4-6 were a little better but it definitely was not a linear process. I noticed that maybe I started having 2-3 good days a week where I did not want to die and I actually had some hope for the future. I hung in there and kept telling myself "one day at a time". Months 7-9 showed significant improvement in my overall mood and the anxiety level definitely went down. I didn't do anything different, I think something in my brain just changed in month 9. It's just like everyone said on here, only time can heal your brain. I am currently still very unmotivated to do anything but I am still so much better because I am not suffering from massive anxiety just sitting around the house. That was the worst part of the last 9 months. The negative thoughts and the constant worrying about the future and excessively worrying about things that I could not control was brutal. I would just have a thought like "what if I lose my job?" and then the negative thoughts would just spiral out of control. I mean before Adderall, the chances of me losing my job were the same as now, but I simply didn't care or didn't think about it. I just went about my business. One thing that helped when I had these thoughts was I would employ the "fuck it" attitude. Thanks Frank! One of your posts helped me tremendously. You basically said, what difference will all this make 100 years from now? It really doesn't matter. Once I adopted this thought process, things didn't seem so daunting. So the key takeaway is that I am doing better. I still read this forum daily but I don't always respond. Honestly, I am hoping that the less I think about this shit, the better. But I love that we have this forum to come to and just read when we are feeling down. It is a tremendous recovery tool. On to the 1 year mark. I am optimistic about the next 3 months and I can't wait to get the first year under my belt. Remember, this is the hardest thing that you will ever go through and when you make it through to the other side, you will be so much better for it. Stay strong and don't give in to those temptations. You can't take just one to get you through whatever. You cannot get back on it and just take the prescribed dose. That is what Adderall wants you to think, but it is lying to you. Enjoy that healthy weight you've put on and just say fuck Adderall!

It's been a few months since my last post. I experienced awful PAWS after quitting adderall and spent 7 months in misery. I almost lost my job. My wife was getting so frustrated with me. I was getting so frustrated with me. But right around the 7-8 month mark, things started to change for me. The anxiety vanished. The brain fog left. Just as it was told to me by some of you caring members, the recovery was not linear and the good days were mixed in with the bad... but now it's all good days, and I am finally coming out on the other side, and I have this wonderful website, and you wonderful people to thank for that. I had read on here that PAWS can last up to a year or more (depending on how long and how much you used) but generally eases up considerably around 9 months, so I kept telling myself "I just need to make it to 9 months, I just need to make it to 9 months." Well I made it, and I'm so happy. My work is not done as "expertly" or as quickly... but I'm a happy person again, I feel like me again. I feel like the person I was before I started trying to be superman on Adderall. My challenge now is to develop time management techniques that will work for me. It's now time to try to work with my ADD and not try to mask it with a temporary solution. We can coexist, ADD and me, just gotta figure out how. I almost gave up hope... so glad I didn't. Keep up the fight, you can and will get through this!

I have been clean since June 5th. Two weeks of uncertainty, stress, hunger, regret, happiness, clarity, sadness, drama, boredom…you get the idea. I am starting to feel better. I have been working out, eating junk food, laughing and playing with my kids, enjoying my coworkers, struggling to stay focused on the task at hand, and generally feeling more normal than I have in 5 years! I started adderall about 5 years ago when I asked my doctor if there was a good treatment for adults with ADD/ADHD. I have always been ADHD, Type A personality, an over achiever, etc. I am fortunate that I had been able to function, very well, as a “jack of all trades and master of noneâ€. I could do anything well, but never stayed with any one thing long enough to become great at it. I needed to be able to focus on my job tasks and maybe clean one room in my house completely before moving on to another. So, I jumped into Adderall with both feet. 15 mg instant release Adderall in the am. It was AMAZING!!! I was suddenly as awesome as I knew I could be! I excelled at everything I tried. I finished projects at work. I was never tired, so I hardly slept. I quickly began to have headaches. I told my doctor that it was the Adderall wearing off in the early afternoon. So, he increased my dose to twice daily. WOW! I could eat anything and maintain my weight. I could finish tasks, but the headaches came back. So, the dose increased to 30 mg twice daily…and the headaches never went away…but I didn’t care. I knew the adderall was causing them, because they went away if I ran out of the meds or tried to quit. The weight gain and miserable sluggishness always made me run back to the doc and pharmacy. “I am not an addict. I have a prescription.†Really? Not really… So, 4 years into adderall addiction, I began to lose my temper more often. I noticed that I was overwhelmed by life…a lot. I didn’t want to interact with my family, coworkers, etc. I wanted to be left alone and it didn’t work out that way. So, I was annoyed very easily and let it show, a lot. I started to let my house work go. I was gaining weight, WHAT?!? I was still having headaches. I started to think about getting off adderall, or getting a higher dosage. It was a Matrix moment; red pill or blue pill. ‘Deep breath’…I chose not to call the doc for a refill. I told my husband I was going to quit. I was serious this time. He was like “okay then, whatevs†and I felt supported. LOL, he didn’t believe me at all, but I was serious. I had been taking 1 ½ pills a day instead of the two prescribed. So, on June 4th I took the last ½ pill and said goodbye to adderall forever. On June 5th, I ransacked my house for an old prescription that I saw a couple of weeks earlier. On June 6th, I continued the search. On June 7th, I jogged in the neighborhood. I played for 1 ½ hours with the kids in the pool. I slept from 3pm until 10pm. I searched for the prescription again on the 8th. On June 9th, I found the prescription. The next morning, I told my husband to take it to the pharmacy for me so that I could pick it up that evening. He looked at me for what seemed like forever…and said no. My husband then told me that if I wanted it, then I could take it myself. I went to work pissed off and found this website. I confided in my coworkers, and I decided not to refill the script. I was tired, hungry, grumpy, and thrilled with my decision. I am grateful to my friends, coworkers, and especially my husband and kids for their support. I can see myself returning and I am realizing…I missed me. So, I may not be “always awesomeâ€, but I am always me. I chose the more difficult road and, to quote Robert Frost, “that has made all the differenceâ€.

This is a fantastic idea! I feel like there is a similar thread somewhere here, but I can't find it. There is this one which is about being adder all free and working, which has got some cool mentions like not being late all the time, etc. As for me, there are just so many benefits, despite the suckiness of withdrawal. Stream-of-consciouness reflections are: - being able to sit and read a book, and recall what I've read 2 days later - taking naps (my fave hobby of all time) - enjoying my family - not overthinking everything, being happy (mostly) with decisions I've made rather than picking apart every single action I've taken - Being ok sending an email without re-reading it 10x over - Getting the jokes - Making the jokes - No "noise in my head" all the time - Not being so selfish - Buying things only that I need! Shopping and adderall are magnificent bedfellows.... ipso facto... - Loving my husband's company rather than wanting him to leave me alone all. the. time - Genuinely caring about things and people - Seeing myself as I am when I look in the mirror, not some tweaked out lady with nasty dry hair and skin - Being touched and cuddled... I hated being touched on adderall - Not having to worry about getting prescriptions, getting them filled, going to different pharmacies, worried about people seeing me popping pills all over the place (at work, at dinner, with friends, drinking) ... that should be a good start?!

I never thought I’d share this part of my life with anyone, but reading all of your stories has made me feel less alone than I have in a very long time. I’m already nervous but if there’s any chance that my story could give someone a moment to feel a connection then it’s worth the discomfort. It really is the same old story…..In high school I was shy, quiet, and socially awkward and when I got to college I wanted to be someone else. I started bartending because, from where I was standing, bartenders seemed so confident and so very opposite from the me I was trying to ditch. I was ok at it, but I was still shy and looked for any reason to walk away after I put the drink down. Two girls from work took me to a party after work and, to loosen me up, they dropped a small orange pill on my tongue. I was 19 and I fell in love with the feeling immediately, I couldn’t believe it was even possible to feel so alive. For the next few years everything was fine, I’d always accept a pill if offered but it wasn’t a big part of my life. I kept bartending and moved on to a bigger busier venue. I discovered a coworker had a prescription that she sold and I figured “why not?” It seemed innocent enough then. I felt a lot more pressure at this bar to chat up the regulars and with my secret weapon I finally could and I loved it. For the next 5 years I thought I had everything under control, I was taking pills every night I worked but I justified it because it did make me better at it, and I’d developed some perfectionist tendencies. I got very thin and the added attention I got from guys was great since I had my extrovert pills, how could anything go wrong? I can’t really pinpoint when things changed. I ended up getting my own prescription plus buying from several people at work and I guess my tolerance just kept creeping up. By the time I finally quit bartending at 32 I needed at least 10 20mg pills to get through a shift, some nights I’d take up to 14 and I’m only 5’1” tall, so I have no idea how I didn’t have a heart attack. At that point I had very few good days, mostly I was exhausted and almost catatonic no matter how many I took. I had to mentally remind myself to make sure my facial expression was pleasant and normal because I was panicking inside but I didn’t want to draw attention. I ran circles around everyone else behind the bar because my body had so much anxious energy, and I started resenting my coworkers for not keeping up (another way I passed the blame). I had violent mood swings and zero patience so, understandably, everyone starting distancing themselves from me. I worked at that bar for 8 years, and I ended up quitting in the middle of a shift when I was completely out of pills and couldn’t bear it. They had all felt like my family for so long, but by that point I felt like I was on a deserted island, even when surrounded by people I knew. I always prided myself on how well I could hide my addiction, but looking back now it seems so embarrassingly obvious. My life completely collapsed around me, my nearly $100 a day habit had drained all my money and I had no job anymore so my finances spiraled within a week. I had also developed some OCD behaviors in the last couple years so I had chewed off all but 2 fingernails completely and I picked at my skin for hours, unable to stop, I had scabs covering the bottom half of my face and some left scars. I had to move back in with my Dad but luckily I was forced to take a break because I was broke and unemployed I wish I could say I learned my lesson then, but I’d end up using again off and on for 2 more years. Almost never being able to achieve a good high, I would feel a little shimmer of the old feeling but then my thoughts would jumble and I’d just feel numb and disconnected. In this state I would also hear noises and see movements out of the corner of my eye, this should have been terrifying but in my little tiny world I’d created it was the norm. I went back to school and that’s when I finally stopped because, ironically, I knew how useless I’d be at studying if I took it. It feels like cheating because I never consciously made a decision to stop, it was just inevitable. I honestly think if I was still able to get that old feeling I’d still be doing it, but I’m guessing I did way too much damage and my brain doesn’t function the same and probably never will. I was able to pull it together to finish school finally at 36! The greatest thing that happened after leaving Adderall behind, though, was meeting my boyfriend. I wasn’t able to have any kind of a real relationship for all the years I was on pills, I had dated but I’d always keep them at a distance so I could be alone with my various obsessive unfinished projects and I wouldn’t have to worry about them asking questions. I wasn’t sure I had the capability to make meaningful connections with people anymore, my only real serious relationship in my life had been with Adderall, and it had betrayed me when it stopped working. Quitting looks differently for everyone, but I can say for sure that there is hope. I never imagined or wanted to imagine my life without the pills that made me special. I’d convinced myself that normal life was boring and that my manic, self destructive lifestyle was exciting. I was wrong, real life isn’t boring, it’s peaceful. I spent so many years moving at full speed like the point of life was to get to the end first, never imagining how amazing it would feel to just slow down. Don’t lose hope! And when you get to the day when you’re done with Adderall and look back on the bad days, please look back with compassion and not judgement for the person you were. This drug is a curse disguised as a miracle and it makes you believe that you can’t accomplish anything without it, but the price you pay for that productivity is far too high. I hope you can see how strong you all are, and I hope soon you won’t have to be so strong because life will get much easier❤️❤️

Hello friends - today I am 31 days clean after 10 years (25mg XR and 10-20mg instant). I wanted to share a positive story and an Ah-ha moment! The first 27 days without adderall were a complete crap shoot, and the stress and guilt I felt for falling behind on work and not showing up for my team has been weighing on me. So I’ve known for 3 weeks I needed to present a new strategic plan to my CEO & management team due to covid, but I could not get my shit together. The task felt insurmountable. What normally would have taken me a day to prep (the plan was already done), took every bit of 3 weeks to get up the nerve to begin prepping for the presentation. I was also avoiding it because I could barely string sentences together, my confidence was at all time low, I’ve had many days of deep depression, and I was beginning to feel like a total fraud and that I never earned my position to begin with. Day 28 I was finally feeling a bit more clear-headed - I think multiple walks a day and being consistent with my supplements have really been key (if anyone wants to know what they are, drop a comment). So I began pulling my presentation together - it still took me 3 full days to prep, but after practicing my presentation for hours and hours, basically memorizing it - I felt mostly prepared, yet still unsure I could answer questions outside of that. well... yesterday I fucking did it!!! My boss and the suits all said it was my best presentation yet, and I had to answer a ton of questions and even change some of my plan on the fly due to new company initiatives. I literally cried tears of joy after and haven’t lost my smile yet. I’ve suddenly had a ton more drive and energy that has lasted 30 straight hours. What I really want to share with you all is that I believe my confidence and self-esteem has been a decent piece of what has been weighing me down mentally. Now that I know I’m not a fraud, because I can literally FEEL it within me, I know I can quit for good. I think having an early win like this, and one so crucial (I need a job, single household over here!), is major for my self worth. I recommend seeking out something similar to show yourself you’re still the same person; but wait until you’re ready. If I had to deliver this presentation last week, I couldn’t have, my brain wasn’t ready yet. I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m so excited to have reached a new stage!

Hello everyone, Firstly, I want to apologize. I began coming to this site a little while after I began my journey of recovery, but haven't made much of an appearance. I want to apologize that I haven't been here to help encourage others as much as I'd like to. To be honest, that's one of the characteristics of the real me (Adderall-free)-- I tend to be extremely awful at answering people back. Hey, I guess many of you will understand this. I do hope this post will be an encouragement. I remember, around three years ago, reading some posts about those successful people who made it to 3+ years free of the drug. I wondered if it would be so pleasant to finally make it there. These people would say they could now go full days, even weeks, without thinking about Adderall. Could that REALLY be true? Because all I could think about at the time is what a pathetic loser I felt like, and that Adderall was the only way out. Although I know that everyone's journey will be different, I am happy to confirm that on my end it IS true. Sure, I get stressful times that come, and deadlines that always seem to be waving in my face. Those moments cause me to think about returning to Adderall, but they always fade. They never have the hold on me that they once did. Then I continue to get glorious weeks (even months) without a single consideration of Adderall. I know that those beautiful moments will just continue to grow, and I'll start to finally appreciate life. I began to wonder... what if I DID make the awful decision to return to the drug? What would it even do? Sure, maybe temporarily it would help me get some stuff done, but at what cost? We all know that feeling fades into anger and irritation. That one pill becomes seven. That sleep becomes a distant memory. That I'd either die on this, or start the recovery process ALL OVER AGAIN. I'm sorry, but that first 6 months off of Adderall was so awful and challenging, that it's motivation enough to never have to go through that again! I'm sure you all can agree. So for those of you in the beginning of your journey, it DOES get better. Just know that, and just keep going. What else does it look like to be Adderall-free for 3 and 1/2 years? I have a steady job-- my co-workers can actually rely on me. I can do all that my job requires of me (and then some) without a single stimulant. I know for the longest time in early recovery, I felt like I'd never be able to find a good job, or that I'd never be good at it if I did find one. I know many of you probably feel the same way, too. Don't feel bad, it took many, many months of unemployment and self-care time to get there. Thankfully, I was able to have that time. Don't give up. You ARE capable of that dream job, even without Adderall. I also can work out now, AFTER WORK, and then go home to get a good night's sleep. Some people may laugh like that's normal, but we know it's often taken for granted. Sometimes I reach the end of the day, and think WOW, I did all of that today without Adderall. Right at that moment, I find recovery is worth it. What's my biggest regret throughout the recovery process? I was way too hard on myself. Looking back, I felt lazy and pathetic when I went through my lethargic stages. WHY?! I was going through so much. Each day, I was mad at myself for being a failure. I truly wish I would have given myself some more credit. SERIOUSLY. If any of you are in that place where you are downing yourself, STOP. You will regret it one day. Because further on, you'll realize how awesome you are for getting through this, and how much you were actually fighting. Take it easy on yourself. Do something special for yourself for rewards when you hit important goals in recovery. Take the time you need to heal. YOU ARE WORTH IT! As usual, I can't take credit for all of my successes. I need to give glory to the Lord Jesus for saving me and giving me the strength to do this, and for giving me meaning and purpose in life. He truly is more than my Saviour, He's my Best Friend and biggest support! Praying you all stay strong in recovery, and realize how worth it you truly are (if you haven't already). <3

Two years clean. Fuck adderall.

@CW97 Yeah, I had a definite "enough is enough" moment. My bottom was pretty low and I just pray that others don't have to go through what I did. I had dropped out of my prestigious college because I was high all the time and was wayyyyy too anxious to email professors, turn in work, or take final exams. That wasn't enough to get me to quit. My roommates told me they didn't want to live with me anymore because I was up all hours of the night, was incapable of being organized/cleanly, and was a social nightmare. That wasn't enough to get me to quit. I was forced to move in with a creepy coworker who was a manipulative narcissist and preyed on the fact that I was an addict. Still kept using. Got back into college and had to drop out again. Lost my job. Got another job. Lost that one too. Took myself to the ER on multiple occasions because I had spent 72 hours alone in my room (high) on webMD convincing myself I was dying. That wasn't enough to get me to stop. Went to the dentist and had 13 cavities (including a root canal) at 23 and needed 8,000 dollars worth of dental work done (thanks dry mouth). When my insurance ran out, I paid 170 dollars A MONTH out of pocket for my speed for like 5 months. On credit. It was still "worth it" to me. Lost all of my friends. 3 months before I quit I even had a minor stroke - I was using again within a week. That's not even the whole list - there were many bottoms. Here's what finally did it: I was getting kicked out of another living situation - at 24 years old. I had no one to help me move (no friends to call) and I had to call my dad to ask him to drive 3 hours, pick me up, and move my furniture. I hadn't slept in days, and was carrying a box down the stairs and felt like I was going to pass out. I hit the floor, crying - thinking I was going to have a heart attack. It dawned on me that I was calling "daddy" to bail me out of the exact same situation I had to call him about when i was 18. It had been 6 whole years and nothing in my life had changed. No degree, no job, no friends. I kept trying to take adderall to "catch up" or "get ahead" and I finally realized that I wasn't moving ANYWHERE in the adderall hamster wheel. And truly, I was dying. My body was giving out. My dad drove his car up to his house, I followed behind him in my car to move back in with my parents. 8/16/16 was the date. I promised myself no more. Flushed the shit and haven't looked back. Now I have a degree, a job, and friends. Life is good.

1yr - I don’t know the “exact date” I quit as all I recall is catching a cold mid May last year and stopped taking my pills as I rested daily on my couch. I had no clue my cold symptoms were compounded with withdrawal. I had initially thought well if I am home sick laying low I probably don’t need and should take a break off my Addy... In prior months I had already thought about trying to quit however the cold is what gave me the initial gap in my schedule to test the idea... Well it was bad... So bad that by 6/6 I was at my primary doc with hands shaking, full of anxiety, amuck & thought I was gonna die. She ordered a ton of labs and told me to get back on my Addy... Well here I am a year later and what a ride... I can say it’s honestly been the hardest year of my life. In particular the waves of Apathy and Depression have been brutal aside from cognitive battles and just the lack of desire or energy to do anything... In this process I have spent a lot of money on vitamins and burnt a lot time; yet things have improved since a year ago by far, I still struggle... I must say however those who say it gets better at 1yr, you are blessed and I am truly happy for you! I still battle considerably and am certain I am either on the 2yr plan or just destined to have a “new normal” that is going to take a lot of “accepting” to find my new balance in life. For those “new” at this or just now considering stopping don’t take this as a “negative” as quitting this crap is the best thing you can do for yourself, period! There is no “end game” in taking adderall... Each pill is one more day of your life and another percentage accumulating in the difficulty to quit. This is not a pill designed to be taken into retirement... It’s crude bandaid that sells a piece of your soul in the process of tricking your mind in to thinking it is helping you... Things aren’t perfect for me however I am not doing any additional harm to my mind and body any longer and I won’t ever take Addy again. This I am sure of.

To My Beloved QA Community, On Friday, I had 5 years off Adderall. Kind of hard to believe. I've now been off Adderall (and all other substances) almost as long as I used it. Instead of a magnum opus, see below for some of my favorite posts. This process is hard. Quitting and staying quit has to be THE number 1 priority in your life to get through the early stages. Thank you to Mike for creating this site and showing me I wasn't alone. Thank you to the members of the forums who have been on here since I joined who, at critical times, reminded me there was no way I could go back to using Adderall successfully. And thank you to the newcomers on here. By sharing our experience, we get far more out of it than you do. My life today is insanely good, and THANK GOD it didn't go the way I "planned" early on, have real, intimate friendships, am close with my family, own a business that's on fire, do meaningful, fulfilling work, and have a relationship with a power greater than myself that relieves me of the neurotic, self-sabotaging insanity that Adderall put into turbo drive on a daily basis if I"m willing to reach out and ask for help. To those of you who are out there still struggling: There is a way out. You don't have to live like this anymore. It all starts with getting some time away from the drug. By any means necessary. Every time I've felt hopeless the last five years, EVERY TIME, enormous growth was waiting just around the corner. I love you all. - David

Just like that. As quickly as the depression descended like a dark fog. The depression he had been lost in for so long just lifted just like that and it was a nice day so he made some tea. The depression never returned and this man lived his life to his fullest never to return to that deep dark place ever again. Just like that.

Hey QA friends. It's been awhile since I last checked in. The last post I made several months ago was about some intense cravings I was having and also a bout of depression. I'm happy to report that it passed swiftly, and things have been generally good since then. I recently passed the 20 month mark, and I just closed on my first home a few weeks ago, which is just an incredible blessing of getting off this shit. This was one of the driving factors of me checking myself into rehab after my ex finally kicked me out, I could no longer afford the multiple habits I was trying to maintain. I didn't know how I would ever recover from the disaster I created, but I am amazed time and time again how much my life has improved in such a short time. Sure, life isn't perfect and this process was absolutely brutal, but I am infinitely grateful for this second chance at life. Even though I don't post regularly, I still read posts daily. I am rooting for every last one of you. I have to say that the coolest part of this website is watching people hit milestones in their recovery and hearing all of the successes.

So far not making money today but dammit I feel good! Took kid to school got the gym had a good work out. Last night my bb team played out of their damn minds now heading to the elite 8 tournament this weekend! Just thought I'd share since I share too many bad days lol. Maybe if I'd focus less on how much money I'm not making everyday and being happy the money will come my way.

One hot afternoon during the era in which you’ve gotten yourself ridiculously tangled up with Adderall (or Adderall recovery) you will be riding the bus and thinking what a worthless piece of crap you are when a little girl will get on the bus holding the strings of two purple balloons. She’ll offer you one of the balloons, but you won’t take it because you believe you no longer have a right to such tiny beautiful things. You’re wrong. You do. by Cheryl Strayed (aka Dear Sugar) So many tiny, beautiful, things come our way every day. I thought would be nice if we could share them with each other…. because we deserve them. The fall foliage is beautiful right now in northern Delaware. I am located in the Piedmont, the foothills of the Appalachians. Luckily, I have an office at work with large windows with a view of trees and the eastern sky. The golden light at day’s end changes constantly, playing like music on the landscape. A majestic American Basswood is in complete shadow in the foreground. The contrast is stimulating. The wind blows, the leaves sparkle with movement and the sky grows bluer into twilight and then suddenly the show is over and another begins. The stars begin come out.

Well its been a year. I've orbited the SUN once without taking Adderall. A long year that I will remeber with a certain bitter sweet fondness. But lets not dwell on the year that has passed and wonder what life would be like if .... Life is just too damn short. I wanted to write and epicly triumphant post today. A hollywood story of how triumphed over addiction and from the gutters of Canada I built an empire. The reality of my recovery is that I am still wobbly and unsure. Recovery has its own timeline which can not be rushed or forced. Time heals all things. Steadfast in my commitment to move forward and have a few epic triumphs along the way. I continue on this journey of baby steps with the knowledge that nothing is impossible. My priorities,motivatons and perspective have changed dramatically over the last year. I don't quite understand what my new motivations are yet. I know I want to keep things simple, have balance, and turn a healthy profit. But I am still wobbly in this new life of mine. Its as though I am working on a 5000 piece puzzle without the photo on the box. I've put together the borders and started working on chunks, in year two I hope to connect some of those chunks and start seeing the big picture. In year two I will focus solely on my health/fitness. I believe this is the silver bullet to improving my confidence, self esteem, focus, prosperity etc. A year from now I would like to be a non-smoker, 40 pounds lighter and looking good in a tshirt (white lrg Calvin Klein vneck) . A year from now my buisnesses should be turning a tidy profit and something I am proud of. I've learned over the last year that I am the master of my destiny and my thoughts become things. Mindset is everything! I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for this year. Too many members to list, you have all played an intergal role in my recovery, today would not be possible without you. A year off Adderall is a huge victory for me but for this community as well. This is our victory and I look forward to many many more. Much Love, ZK

Dear Adderall, There comes a time in every period of mourning when the loss has been grieved thoroughly, and healing has progressed sufficiently, to truly and finally let go. To reconcile what has been with what could have been, to release the anger and resentment and accept what has transpired. To stop mourning, and to stop holding grudges and regrets. To forgive. To let go of any lingering feelings or mindsets that could possibly keep me from moving forward with my life. This would amount to an unnecessary continuation of a toxic 'relationship' that has long since ended. So, in effect, this is a calm, peaceful, rational letter that it finally and truly is over. It just didn't work out. And I'm fine with that. Adderall, I've written you a number of infuriated goodbye letters now. I'm done with those. This is a letter of peace and acceptance. I will no longer demonize you, and I will no longer romanticize you either. I will strive to maintain an attitude of cool reason towards you from now on. I accept that I'll still have to deal with triggers, but that's how it goes. You're really just an artifact of my past now. I accept your presence in this world, and I accept that you might have a good relationship with other people. But I won't be jealous of that anymore. It just didn't work out between us, and never could have. But I can't enter into a stage of acceptance without reflecting on how you contributed to making me into who I am today. Setting aside all the thoughts of how much better my life would have been had we never crossed paths, I want to think about how you changed me and what I have learned. First and foremost, my original plan was to continue taking adderall for the first 3 years of grad school, to help with the transition, and then quit. Well, it ended up being 2 years. And I cannot lie to myself: Adderall, you really helped me in some very important ways during those 2 years. You helped me earn a 3.86 GPA during my coursework. Maybe it would have been higher without you, but those first 2 years are insanely difficult as they attempt to weed people out. I passed that test. I did some very good work with your help. I could have accomplished all of that without your help, but at the time I felt that I needed you, and I chose what I chose for a reason at the time. It doesn't matter. I learned a LOT, and I've retained a significant portion of what I learned. So, thank you adderall for carrying me to a place where I have slightly more breathing room, to work on my thesis. And thank you for leaving my life at just the right time. Second, adderall, there must have been something --a number of things-- already wrong that I needed to work on, and my journey into addiction helped me to understand this. For example, I didn't have enough confidence in the first place, so I turned to you for a boost and in the end had to quit with a dramatic loss of self confidence. I always had trouble with focusing and motivation, and now I have to learn how to actually get things done, how to focus, relying only on my own brain. I have always needed to be more organized, better at time management, more disciplined, and now I'm forced to learn the hard way. Adderall didn't actually help me with any of these things. But now I have the chance to look these "issues" directly in the face and actually deal with them. I would never be forced to confront all of my "issues" if I hadn't ventured into adderall territory. I wouldn't have nearly the self-understanding that I've developed since quitting. Third, you've helped me understand addiction in ways I never would have before. I never thought I was prone to addiction, but when the 'right' substance presented itself, I became an addict. And now I've learned the skillset and mental discipline of quitting. These are invaluable tools I never really had before. Adderall, I'm sorry for abusing you. You are extremely powerful and I should have treated you with significantly more respect. That said, I have already forgiven myself. I shouldn't have abused you, but I did. And now I'm still paying the price, but I'm also reaping the benefits of quitting. I have no regrets because I choose not to live a life of regret. It happened, it didn't work out, I destroyed a bunch of relationships and almost destroyed myself, and I'm a very different person now. For the better. Plus, I still have plenty of time to remedy all that I messed up while I was on adderall. And a lot more appreciation of time than I ever had while I was tweaked out.

Last night I took a big step in my recovery and decided to tell my mother about my adderall addiction. We have always been very close but our relationship has been really rocky during the last few years, mainly due to my erratic and out of control behavior on adderall. Just thinking about this makes me feel really sad and guilty. Much to my surprise my mom was well aware of the fact that I was "on something" (there's no fooling a good mother). I appreciate the fact that she nor anyone else confronted me about it but part of me wishes someone had. Especial during the times where my addiction was most obvious, i.e losing 30lbs, drinking every night, never sleeping, etc. In any case I feel relieved because I have now told the three most important people in my life that I have been struggling with this drug and each of them has been incredibly gentle and supportive about the whole thing. Trying to quit alone is not impossible but I know that having them, as well as all of you to keep me going will be incredibly helpful to me in this process. Anyway, I just wanted to share this and encourage anyone who hasn't told someone about their addiction to do so soon because keeping this a secret is incredibly painful and makes it so much much more likely to relapse. LX