Motivation_Follows_Action

Ld, I have often pondered your statement about adderall working differently for you than others. The reason I bring it up is that I too remember feeling calm and confident in the early days, not in a cocky type of way but like the 8 stages article says, I felt more empathy and sense of measured collected-ness, if that's a word. I'm not saying our experiences were the same - I guess it all comes down to any person's own interaction with the drug and whether it does what it is "supposed" to do. To krax's point earlier, because amphetamines have been a drug looking for a disease for such a long time, it may have become a panacea for so many things. I am afraid my perspective on the use of adderall for "containing" symptoms of ADHD just is going to stay in a state of confused distance. I don't know enough about either thing to even have an opinion.

You guys make me smile. Thanks for all the encouragement. And if in some small way I can be that to you as well then I will have gotten something surprising and intangible from this experience that I could never have imagined. To help someone in need is a bigger rush than speed could ever bring.

Shoot! I just realized it's 6 months TODAY since I quit!

I've basically spent the whole weekend asleep. I don't know whether it's recovery related or just that I've been traveling a bunch but I was supposed to go away this weekend to the beach and just couldn't. I wanted to be in my bed. Most of the time. Anyway, all this sleeping meant doing a reasonable amount of dreaming I guess, and I had my first adderall dream. It wasn't that I was looking for it, or worried about when I was going to get my next dose; but it was more the hidden dread I would feel when I was most strongly addicted... just a fear of everything, everyone, mostly myself. In my dream I was at work, interracting with my [nasty, sociopathic] boss, and trying to tell him that something wasn't the way he thought it was. In my dream it was work-related, but now I write it down, the metaphor is pretty obvious. In my dream I was dizzy (which happened often during my later stages of addiction); and had a dry mouth, and I wanted to talk but no words came out. I was trying so hard to project an air of confidence and actually sensuality (!?) but I just was so paranoid that I was undermining myself with every glance, breath, etc. And of course I was obsessed with how I looked. Standing there like a model seemed to me in my dream to be every bit as important as the content of my conversation. I woke up sweaty and sad. Sometimes when I have a bad dream I will wake crying, or I will cry myself awake, and this was one of those dreams. Always in my life my worst dreams have involved some kind of brutal humiliation and disrespect by others and the way they perceived me. Adderall seemed to be a fuel to that fire for me. Once again, I am so glad to have all that behind me. I am learning to like myself again... including the extra 10lbs....

Yes, the brain is plastic but you make an even more important point here. And that's the personal commitment and effort and patience that full recovery requires. It is such an up and down journey. I hope this helps you and anyone else thinking about quitting just how much is possible if you shed the yolk around your neck and get free from addiction to such a debilitating drug. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Day by day is a great strategy. In fact, it is kind of the only strategy. In the early days for me anything beyond "wake up today and move from the bed to the couch" was beyond my comprehension. I hope you have some time to rest and not demand too much of yourself... thanks for coming back, please post on here as often as you need/want.

Cat, I'm glad you had that experience with Ambien too. I came off it as well around the 6 week mark and completely improved my mental function. I can't take Xanax any more, at all really. It TOTALLY knocks me out. I took .5 one evening last week to get over jet lag and I could barely keep my eyes open the next day. Now if I could only find some energy...

I think Cassie's right. Give it a year. Personally I do think you have depression which adderall is not a viable long term treatment for; but now isn't the time for asking those questions. Hang in there.

I do think ADHD is a thing. I remember reading studies of ADHD brains and the synapses connected in completely different ways than "normal" brains do. Or not as much activity in the prefrontal cortex or too much or something. I don't remember the specifics. And of course amphetamines work on these brains just the same as "normal" brains because they do the same thing for everyone. Thorough testing for ADHD incluses fMRI scans, other brain behavior tests and costs about $5000 - $10,000. Why would a doctor prescirbe this test vs a script for adderall? Makes non sense to me.

It's an interesting stream-of-consciousness you write about, and many of us have felt this way as well. How are you doing now and do you have a plan to quit?

Mad Men last week: anyone watch it? You know, where the whole office takes a shot of amphetamines and works all weekend? Ahhhh the parallels. People talking across each other. Noting that the outcomes of 72 hours of work were effectively, "Jibberish". Yep, that episode hit home quite a lot. Anyone else see it and found themselves nodding their heads in recognition?

Just circling back to this; I know it's been a while since I was able to visit (I've missed you guys!). Thanks for your inputs on all of the above. I am starting to work on eating healthier (one salad + veges every day) and getting enough sleep. I slept for 14 hours on Friday night! Good news is that apart from jet lag which is HORRIBLE when you're not fit and healthy, I'm generally pretty sharp. This weekend I could have really used a break but I have to get a pitch done for a big client on Tuesday morning on the West Coast. I am still glad I am doing this without adderall. I would have failed miserably with it.

Hey FW, are you being? That's a good existence if you ask me... Just wondering how you're doing.

How do you have time to read for pleasure?! I'm reading "Multipliers" by Liz Wiseman.

Kyle how many times have you given up and then relapsed? Twice? I imagine it gets harder each time to stick with your resolve, simply because it is a numbers game... Takes you that much longer to get to 90 days. But beating yourself up over it is going to prolong the agony too. Just take it day by day and don't think about tomorrow or yesterday.

You're bloody brilliant is what you are!! This is making me so genuinely happy. Your whole turnaround is one amazing success story. Just so impressed..

I've never tried vyanese but it sounds like you really want to quit. It's tough and I feel for you. The beginning part is always the worst, but you will feel great if you can just stay focused on not taking it for 2 week, then 3 and so on. You have the rest of your life to live - and you know your daughter wants her mommy back.

Lumosity is just a fancy expensive app that works the brain the same way crossword puzzles and other mental puzzles do.

Yep, Wellbutrin made me quit smoking. Just lost the desire. Hardly even noticed I missed it.

QO, I have to disagree. Most entry level post grad programs ask for GPA these days. It's not great but it happens. The market for good entry level positions for MBAs is so fierce and unless you go to an Ivy League school, it can be really tough (and very expensive) to get by on an average GPA.

I'm going to sound like a broken record, but you and your doc should be more worried about the smoking than the alcohol or klonopin. Only one of those three things will kill you. Now do you feel guilty enough to quit? I hope so - that was the intention.

Lea, I am out of town from tomorrow til next Thursday and I packed my gym clothes. I will run for 30 min a day if you do, deal?!

I'm glad you feel good in your resolve, and that you weren't tempted in the slightest. True recovery. If there's anything good to be taken from your experience it's that you know you're stronger now than you have been in the past, and that nothing can get past your resolve any more. Proud of you for that.

I ate a whole bottle in one afternoon once, and it made me so sick I can't face them any more!

Geez, that sounds kind of traumatic, quit once. I can't imagine being around that for so many hours. I guess you're more tolerant than I expected you to be. You seem to have a reasonable amount of druggie friends. That's got to be tough, knowing that you're not talking to real people but their altered states.