SleepyStupid

hi @Losthusband Welcome to the forums, and sorry to hear about the challenges in your marriage. it's really scary to see someone you know so intimately change right before your eyes. it can make you start questioning all your shared memories and emotions, and blame yourself maybe not seeing these things sooner. I hear a fair amount of guilt in your story, about "screwing up" and not being a better listener, only engaging her at certain times of the day - this is not a healthy relationship, and it's not your fault. It sounds like you're making a lot of excuses for her because you love her dearly, but as much as the drug is to blame, she's the one choosing to take it. I hear nothing in this story about her actually wanting to stop? Here's my advice: take this separation as an opportunity to work on YOU. Be there for her if she needs it, but don't chase after her - she needs to recognize her own failures before you can have a healthy relationship again. thanks for sharing! looking forward to hearing a happy end to this story in the future (:

This hit so close to home for me. it's unfortunate that some of us needed to bottom out and fear for our lives before we made any kind of change, but SO GLAD to hear you've made it out the other side!!! thanks for coming back and sharing your progress. this is precisely what people need to hear about the realities of the recovery journey. those struggles that you still have will gradually lessen over the next year or so. as you accomplish things, hit milestones and achieve personal goals you will come to realize that you are not only "recovered" but actually a EVEN BETTER version of yourself than before. congrats on the proposal! more happy things are soon to come (:

perhaps a different angle on this - maybe you're putting too much focus on this "potential" you had as a kid. I don't mean to sound dismissive of your childhood, but you're an adult now - you have agency and control to shape your life in any way you want. I think you are too focused on trying to get back to some version of yourself that isn't so relevant anymore. I've always said that recovery is a somewhat misleading word for what we're trying to do. Our journey in quitting this drug is more about discovering a new, more capable version of yourself - not going back in time to some distant memory of a person. It's even MORE relevant given how young you are - you don't have an adult version of yourself to even look back on yet. "My life was over before it even started" - you're right about the "before it even started part". you were a child forced into a very unfair situation. you're not a child anymore. I think you owe it to yourself to at least get your adult life started before deciding it's all over.

@dw3495 firstly, I'm glad you found our site and community here. you're in the right place to get the kind of advice specific to Adderall recovery. while you may not have come across the specific success stories you were looking for, I can assure you they exist (I'll do a more thorough search as well). you are young (VERY young) - you're going to bounce back from this faster than you can even imagine. you should give yourself A LOT of credit for tackling this before becoming a real adult. this may be the single best decision of your early life!!! ^this right here. couldn't have said it better myself. if you take nothing else away from all the stories on this forum and site, it's that what you're going through right now isn't going to last forever. this is a FACT. Trust in the accumulated experience of the people here - things will get better soon. looking forward to reading your next update (:

this is a great space to be in! I've recently gotten into shape and I imagine it's similar - it feels like having a whole new body, and with that comes the excitement of exploring this new person that I seem to be. It's perhaps also similar to the general effect that novelty has on us - which is why I always suggest trying out new hobbies during recovery to take advantage of this effect. I think its perfectly healthy to reassess everything in your life through this new lens - including your relationship - though I would give yourself enough time before making any decisions that impact him as well. Of course we internet strangers cannot know the full nature of your relationship, but the way this sounds is that he has unknowingly supported you through the worst 6 years of your life. If your transformation is as dramatic as you say it is, he must be picking up on it too. not necessarily suggesting that you come clean - that's your decision - but the context of him not knowing about your abuse and sudden change should probably be considered. keep up the great work! 6 months is right around the corner (:

this is awesome news!! congrats on 2 months. the "sillier" part really resonates with me. I remember feeling the exact same way, like I was too silly for real life all of a sudden

yes! technically everything gets easier, but this particular "nervous energy" is at its worst in the first few months. also reported frequently is the "word salad" effect, where constructing sentences feels more cumbersome or that you're forgetting words, or using awkward words - I think it's all related to the anxiety of your body and mind rebalancing. (:

relief (and a chance to renew)

hi @MollyT welcome to the forums! glad you were able to find some stories relevant to your situation. even putting aside an extreme event like a rage outburst, Adderall is insidious and overtime gradually warps your personality. it gives you so much fake confidence that you can never be wrong or do no wrong. I think one of the most important functions of a healthy relationship is the mutual validation and support each partner provides to one another. what Adderall will do is actually override the need for your partner's validation - you're replacing them with a chemical. it honestly depends on how severe your ADHD symptoms are. there are some people that believe it's a bullshit diagnosis to begin with, but I think that's an oversimplification of the problem. as @sirod9 said, psychiatrists are incentivized to medicate, its just the nature of their profession. I'm of the belief that ADHD (and related conditions) are real, but medicating with hard stimulants was originally intended for cases of severe handicap, not professionals or college students who are kind of struggling with work loads. that being said, there's certainly behavioral therapy to address your symptoms, and there are lesser forms of stimulants and even some anti-depressants like Wellbutrin that are sometimes prescribed for ADHD, but you need to really ask yourself: do I need medication, or do I want it? there's no free lunch when it comes to this stuff.

glad to hear you spoke to your manager and she was understanding. that's a very positive step, and you need all the leeway you can get right now. no doubt about it - this will be harder than any break in the past, and part of that is the "why" behind the break. those 2 week breaks are often known as "drug vacations", and they can actually feel really great and relaxing, but it's only because you know that you're going to be returning to the drug soon - this time you're never looking back! sorry to hear about your boyfriend, I think we all know what it's like to railroad relationships during our addictions. my honest advice here is say your sorry's, tell him you need some time to work on yourself and leave it alone for now. asking for his help and support right now may lead him to resent you (this is what happened with my ex-gf). if you want any kind of real future with him, you need to show him you can do this for yourself.

whoa - I totally know what you mean and it's a great way of describing it. it's that feeling that makes you want to jump out of your skin, like your mind and body got in a fight and they're not talking to each other lol. embrace the frump - it's going to be there for a few weeks yet . the swelling is very likely water retention, the fix for which counter intuitively is drinking more water staying well hydrated. keep on keeping on! you got this! (:

it DEFINITELY helps! I wasn't too great with exercising during my recovery, but the few times I did it when I was feeling particularly crappy - it was like a 180 for my mood and energy. this is actually why some people end up getting obsessed with exercise during their recovery, because its one of the few things that is a guaranteed "high" when you're at your lowest (:

hi @sirod9 cutting off your source (doctor) is honestly one of the hardest parts of this journey, but it speaks volumes about your commitment to quitting. there will be points in your recovery where you are at your weakest, but knowing that you can't just call and get a prescription easily is a HUGE barrier that can mean the difference between success and a relapse. I too missed feeling joy, feeling healthy, feeling emotionally stable, feeling like a real person. all these things will come back to you soon, but in the meantime just accept that you're going to be a lazy blob for a few months. put into place a plan to be said blob (like restructuring work or school) and get the support you need from friends and family. try not to get trapped in a cycle of worry about how you're going to fix all the things you've broken - there's PLENTY of time for that later, your primary goal is to just get through the first few months until your head is more clear. gl please keep us posted (:

@DrewK15 ^this is an important question. these things sound more like you're distracting yourself from some unstructured goal or work. most of my work is pretty unstructured, don't really have any hard deadlines and not much managerial oversight. that combined with the new dynamics of WFH, it's a recipe for disaster. I'm back in the office now, but at home my productivity was maybe 60% at best. even at the office I find myself on Reddit for at least a couple of hours a day. that's all to say, I think your productivity challenges are fairly normal. I've definitely been addicted to videogames in the past, though not in the context of pay-to-play (gacha, loot boxes, etc.). these games are engineered in the same way as social media to exploit and hijack our dopamine pathways. the games are probably worse cause they're more akin to gambling than attention seeking. I have seen some friends get really addicted to games like this, spending thousands of dollars with nothing but regret afterwards. as with any addiction, this is a tough one, but try to focus on the financial side of this - it's easier to quantify the harm it's doing when you can see it on your bank balance. it might also help to understand why succeeding in the game matters so much - is it a status symbol? is it respect amongst your game peers? does it give you some sense of accomplishment you're missing otherwise in life? that being said, I don't think gaming and YouTubing are necessarily bad hobbies. being a person that routinely spends hours every night either gaming or watching shows, I had to define for myself whether this was "destructive" or not. IMO any hobby can be destructive if it's done to the detriment of other things in life. do I wish I was spending time doing something "more productive"? sure, who doesn't? but I'm also not married and don't have kids - I'm not responsible for/to anyone else. maybe part of the stress in transitioning into married life is coming to terms with behaviors you're afraid to let go of? I have these exact same fears, but I'm optimistic about the power of change and novelty (:

results!!!! (:

relieved (for now..)

hi @NewMindset so glad to hear you're on the other side - congratulations on the quit and upcoming bundle of joy (: thanks for sharing your story. the microdosing psilocybin mushrooms is an interesting approach. unfortunately most of the country doesn't access to this, but in my own experiences with psychedelics (fun dosing ), it can certainly be a tool for introspection and discovering the why beneath the what of our journeys.

@DelaneyJuliette my relapses were also binges. in a way, it was better for me because of the resulting "toll" that was paid. I felt like absolute SHIT which gave me enough pause to come to my senses. ^this!!! well said. just get back on the wagon, no matter what. (:

YES totally this! If I had to add more to my username, it would have been SleepyStupidStarving . enjoying the simple things is surprisingly effective early on in recovery - being a blob, taking naps, eating the everything, binging Netflix (I had no patience for TV or movies on Adderall!). to be honest, things will get harder after the initial few months. right now, being off Adderall probably feels like a drug vacation, whether you realize it or not. we always say around here "be kind to yourself", which is certainly important, but you also need to strategize for all the stuff that is going to suck - specifically being productive at work and school. and to be clear, "productive" no longer means retyping the same 4 line email over and over till its perfect lol. of course you should still have pride in your work, but pumping out the bare minimum during intermittent periods of productivity will become the norm for a little while. stimulants build a life for themselves - it's now time to build a life for YOU! (: gl and keep us posted!

this is such an interesting topic! I've never been religious, so my own experiences are more in line with the intense curiosities. "synchornicities" is the perfect word for the experience! it's like that feeling you sometimes get when waking from a dream where you feel like you've figured out the mystery to life, or the universe. IMO the most interesting part about such an experience is that it is an emotion - you feel like you've unlocked some potential or made some connection no one else has. more often than not, there isn't actually any connection there, but the emotional response is so strong it can't be ignored. I imagine that adding a spiritual or religious context to this experience results in "God like experiences". believe in extraterrestrials? perhaps this results in a visitation or abduction experience. as you say @m34, a potentially "DMT" like experience. bringing this back to stimulants, this to me sounds a lot like dopaminergic effect. Adderall gives you reward juice (dopamine) regardless of the activity at hand. this is why we suddenly enjoy boring tasks (cleaning) or studying subjects we never cared about before. IMO, when we get obsessed with things on stimulants, we're not chasing "knowledge" or "interest" - we're chasing a feeling. it doesn't matter what that feeling leads to, total nonsense will do! now, that's not to say all things we end up learning or chasing down a rabbit hole are nonsense or invaluable, but perhaps that intense emotion (whether chemical or natural) was needed to jumpstart the journey? PS. I LOVE your username @Pajamasoverpeople welcome to the forums!

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discipline! (doesn't cost anything) (this has been my mantra for the past few months )

hi @GeorgiaRigby first off, congratulations on the pregnancy news! I know it may not feel very joyous right now, but this could potentially be THE turning point of your life. you keep saying that you "don't know how to be a person" - I think THIS is how you start being a person! do what's right for your baby - start with that, and I think you'll be surprised how powerful an experience it will be for you. I think the problem is there's just not enough data around this to say anything definitive. that aside, you yourself admit that you are NOT taking stimulants responsibly, which also means that you probably have a host of other related health concerns (dehydration, malnutrition, etc.). if you search hard enough, you will always find an anecdote or someone's story to confirm your own bias - you want to hear that it's okay to keep taking speed through your pregnancy. on this topic, I think you should go with your gut instinct. of course this is ultimately your choice to make, and I agree that your circumstances are less than ideal, BUT I do NOT think you should make this decision based solely on fear of the unknown. to begin with, Adderall is pumping your anxiety and fear up to 10 and isn't letting you think clearly about anything. I can hear it in your writing, the confusion and hopelessness - all you need is a few months off the medication and things will become SO MUCH more clear, you just have to make it that far. that aside, you should consider carefully your network of support (baby's father, your family, etc.). would you really be all alone with this challenge? this sounds more like the addict speaking than you. "you should be learning, doing, seeing, etc." - this is a trap. your addict mind is trying to over complicate things to make it seem like: there's ALL THESE THINGS, how can you possibly do all this stuff without me?! the reality is that you do all these things by just being a person. Adderall makes it seem like everything in life is some sort of mission, competition or challenge - this is simply not true, but you won't see this clearly until you have distanced yourself from the medication for some time. please keep us updated on this - I really think this could be the push that will change your life forever (:

hi @robojeff welcome to the forums, and congratulations on your decision to quit! curious - is this your first attempt at quitting? it's a great sign that you're already planning to have a support network in place. in addition to healthcare professionals (or even more importantly), you'll want to make sure that you have support from family or friends - especially if you're taking time off from work or school. of course it's a good idea to consult your doctor, but before engaging any of these parties I'd suggest just vegetating for a week or two - the initial couple of weeks you'll be too tired to do anything. once your out of the initial haze, you'll have a better sense of the kind of help that might be necessary. you mention some examples of help here (therapist vs psychiatrist vs rehab), it's important to know that each have a pretty different approach to treatment, especially because of the unique nature of Adderall addiction. regarding rehab, there's both inpatient and outpatient. inpatient can obviously be quite expensive and probably unnecessary. outpatient rehab is certainly an option and would probably be structured like a group session, similar to AA or NA meetings (which is also definitely an option if you need a community support approach). if you approach a Psychiatrist with this challenge and mention the depression, they will immediately look to medicate you and replace the Adderall with something else. it's not necessarily their fault - medication management is simply their bread and butter. they're not addiction specialists, so unless you specifically tell them the extent of your abuse and addiction they may even try to keep you on stimulants. your depression may be linked directly with the Adderall abuse, so I'd say give it a bit of time before rushing to medication. that said, many have found Wellbutrin to be a helpful aid in recovery, and it has helped me with depression in the past. of all the popular antidepressants, it is generally the most well tolerated for this purpose. a good therapist with a background in addiction would probably be your best bet initially, as they can help you put into place the right mindset and routines to manage the early recovery process. and.... this forum is also quite helpful! 10 years worth of success stories to keep you motivated. gl and keep us posted!

congrats on 3 years @DrewK15 !!! if there's one thing I can say for sure, it's that people who make it out this far always have positive things to say about their life and progress. it's just proof for those of you earlier in the process that things will definitely get better! thanks for sharing your success story, but more importantly, helping others along the way there (: