SleepyStupid

this. i was never addicted to social media even before all this, but I started actively avoiding social media during recovery to avoid that spiral of comparison. 5 years later, i have 0 desire to jump back into the fray. I think a strong interest in politics and general goings-on is more than understandable, especially this year! the question is what makes it unhealthy - I check in on my Google News app several times a day. frankly I could probably tune it down a bit, but I think it becomes unhealthy when you add the social media context to it - getting stuck in echo chambers, battling people online, prioritizing your digital life over your physical one..

hi @jlg789 glad you found us - welcome to the forums! i was a binge user too, so i understand your cycle very well. the Adderall isn't even a medication or a tool for productivity anymore - you're just taking it cause you like getting high, and now the high is disappearing (as it will eventually for everyone). you're just chasing a high. the pattern of binging for a week then crashing truly hammers your body. i was staying up for 4, maybe 5 days in a row sometimes, basically eating nothing - just absolute madness. it's a miracle i never ended up in the hospital, or put someone else in a hospital driving around playing with my phone geeked out of my mind. my point here is: your abuse is probably more dangerous than you realize (to yourself and others). those are the two things it took me realizing to finally get clean: 1) Adderall is not a medication - it's just speed, and i'm a junkie. 2) if I don't stop being a junkie, i may die. i wouldn't bother with a taper. as bingers, we don't have enough discipline to take Adderall as prescribed much less taper it successfully. when you decide to finally go cold turkey, just make sure you have support structures in place because you'll need at least a few weeks of bare minimum functioning to get past the acute recovery period. gl and stay close to the forums!

yes! focus on the positives - when you have a good day, keep it close to you so you can remember it on the bad days. and then slowly over time you will have more good days than bad days (: glad you finally pulled the trigger on cold turkey - proud of you for cutting off your source, that must have been hard!

how do you define too many patients? like a normal workday (8 hours) worth? it seems like you're lucky enough to manage your own schedule, so perhaps you need to start with reducing your workload. i know you have also mentioned in the past that your relationship with your husband/SO isn't so great, but maybe you can negotiate some extra time for yourself? have you considered using a service like TaskRabbit to help with the organizing and moving? it sounds like you need to be more proactive about your recovery plan - if you don't actively make time or setup support structures, you will simply feel overwhelmed and fail again. the same ole, same ole isn't working. it's time to try something different, no?

welcome to the forums @lolbats ! this is always such an interesting twist to the Adderall journey. for many of us that didn't really need it, it actually ends up GIVING us ADHD. i remember thinking "holy shit, maybe i DO really need this medication?". that behavior also confirms your doctor's diagnosis so here's another script! it also gives others the impression that we truly have ADHD! i never had to face the fact that i was just a speed junkie, cause there was all this reinforcement that i genuinely seemed like i needed medication glad to hear that you recognized the warning signs early - as you say, there is no better time to quit than right now. to be honest, the first few weeks are going to be rough no matter what you do. if possible, take some time off - like 3 days plus a weekend or something. managing your workload in the early recovery stage is mostly about minimizing and prioritizing. do the absolute bare minimum you have to, and only do things that are urgent or critical. i'm not saying to necessarily procrastinate your work, but you need to give yourself some breathing room. if you can, try to leave your apartment or room to get work done - relocate to a coffee shop or really any other setting, and pound out your work in a concentrated burst, then reward yourself with a well deserved nap (: gl and keep us posted!

"sleep PAWS" - i like it! it's certainly possible this could still be related to stimulant recovery.. but i'm not satisfied with that result because it means there's not much you can do about it. to be honest though, it's probably more likely something related to sleep hygiene. sleep hygiene is one of those things that most people recognize but don't understand well. it's affected by so many different things we do and its hard to say what specific aspects of our behavior matter the most. the timing of our meals, if/when we drink coffee, too much phone before bed (blue-light), our activity levels, etc. etc. i like @speedracer's suggestion of the sleep tracking app - might give that a try myself! i would also suggest watching some of Matt Walker's TED talks - he's a leading sleep scientist and talks about a lot this stuff in his videos. https://www.ted.com/speakers/matthew_walker

@Nicky_B welcome to the forums, and thanks for sharing your harrowing story. that sounds like a waking nightmare - i'm really sorry to hear about your family's struggles, but i'm glad that you have made the decision to quit stimulants yourself. as you've already recognized, even at low/therapeutic doses, Adderall can slowly change you into a completely different person. it's an existential mess that gets worse the longer you're on it. this is a very striking analogy, well said. it makes me feel a lot of concern for your children, who you say are still living with their mother? hopefully they are safe - i wish you the best of luck in navigating this situation safely going forward.

so much ^this! sometimes we get so lost in "waiting to feel better", we fail to see the tremendous progress that we are making. finding a terrific girl was also what kept me on the straight and narrow. there is definitely something magical about love - so happy for you

dude THAT'S AWESOME! Congrats!! i remember only about a year ago, you were going through a tough time with loneliness, and feeling left behind. this is such great news and inspiration for us all.

you're still glamorizing Adderall after all the super negative things it's done to your life? here's the thing: no one gets to have "honeymoon Adderall" forever. it's a fact. you could perhaps make the argument that there are "true" ADHD'ers out there that require life long medication, but for those people, there was never a high to chase. for the rest of us, it is simply a matter of time till our tolerance outgrows the pleasure. that being said, are you ready to really give this up? do you have support structures in place (financial, emotional, etc.)? what is your plan for the next couple of years?

ohhhh i remember this shame and guilt VERY well. it changes everything about your life: you start actively avoiding people and outings, you try to minimize your presence at home, it even changes your relationship with the drug itself. as you say - you don't even enjoy taking it anymore! this is such a powerful admission, even if you don't know what to do with it yet. i would start with some simple questions that work to identify your triggers. are you relapsing because of work (can't keep up)? are you relapsing because of boredom? is it due to fatigue? it may very well be a combination of everything, but you need to identify the challenge that precipitates the thought of filling your script again. a fair warning though: it's a hard question to answer within the first 30 days sober, cause you can't trust yourself to answer it. to some degree, the first couple of months of this journey is a brute force approach - you'll be fighting physical withdrawal as well as mental, everything is going to suck consistently and absolutely. the most powerful thing you can have during this period is the belief that life will be so much better on the other side. if you truly believe this, it will give you the strength to survive long enough to get past the first month or 2, at which time things will become A LOT CLEARER. just believe in all the people here and our stories - things WILL GET BETTER. before you know it, you'll be coming back to this post in 6 months and wondering "who the hell was this person?!" (:

Recharged (:

lol i had this same status in the past and someone thought i meant i got engaged, but i meant feeling engaged... so i figured i'd ask before saying CONGRATS.. ?

Encouraged! (i've lost 10 lbs since starting a diet!)

Positive +++++

you know i've been thinking about this notion of relapse as a result of "feeling good". it seems counter intuitive because normally you'd imagine relapsing because you feel depressed and hopeless, but i've been seeing a fair amount of posts recently with a similar theme of "rewarding" yourself with a relapse. i think its pretty normal to reward ourselves - for me it has been food these past couple of years, which is tough because eating isn't optional! i think when things are going well and feel "normal", we lower our guard. the rationale for use becomes "well even if i use JUST tonight, its still way better than last month when i was using every day!" it sounds like a partial truth, but only because your framing the problem as specific to the substance. yes - technically you are consuming way less than you used to, but the real problem for us addicts is the consumption itself, not the amount. it's always boggled my mind how evolution hasn't corrected for this pleasure over preservation problem. we understand that our behaviors are often dangerous and potentially life threatening, but we don't know it until it actually happens to us or someone close. fear was my motivator. i was a binge user just like you - i thankfully never OD'd, or ended up in the hospital, but towards the end of my abuse i could feel my body falling apart. people could see how fucked up i was - i looked like a speed junkie. that's when it became real for me - it wasn't a secret i could hide from myself or others, something had to change or i was going to die. regarding your friends and partying, i think you already recognize the triggers - you have about a 0% chance of going to a party and using anything in moderation at this point. it sucks, but that's your reality. it doesn't mean you can't still see your friends - maybe try inviting them out to more activities, sporting, outdoors stuff - be that guy that changes your group dynamic! if that doesn't work, then make new friends. eventually in a few years everyone will hopefully grow up a bit, the partying dies down and you can reconnect - that's life, but you need to be alive long enough for it to happen (:

honestly, i didn't feel much of anything when i came off Wellbutrin. maybe tired for a couple of days, but no withdrawal so to speak. i was taking ~150mg a day, which is a bit lower than the normal adult dosage usually. i think finding the right dosage is key with Wellbutrin, because too much and it can make you feel anxious and jittery. i was on Wellbutrin on and off for about 4 years i believe. being on it is nothing like Adderall - it doesn't "kick in" like a rush of energy. similarly, there was no "come down" or crash to it (in my experience). it's more of a subtle lift that takes a week or two to build up, after that its more of a silent helper. hope this helps! (:

welcome back @purplepen! your issues with gambling are not uncommon. i think it's fair to say that stimulant addiction can easily lead to other hedonistic addictions, it's basically a constant dopamine chase. my debilitating "side" addiction was porn - at times it seemed to eclipse the Adderall addiction itself! i often thought back then "if i could manage the porn addiction, then maybe i can be productive on Adderall again." nope! just like you, my side addiction simply vanished when i stopped using. i knew deep down they were linked, but my addict brain made every rationalization to separate them - JUST MAYBE i could go back to using Adderall like everyone else... nope! it was the exact same thing when i relapsed around the 2 year mark - immediately the porn addiction returned. if you already feel great when you're off the pills, then half your battle is already done! so why do we still sabotage ourselves?: cause we like getting high. you'll never find a better reason than that unfortunately - but accepting this truth helps put the problem into context. keep us posted on your progress! (:

ooo i remember those! we have some forum software updates we're looking into, but i'll see if signatures is something we can bring back (:

Monday

it's really unfortunate but for some people it takes bottoming-out to realize this - that's what it took for me, but it doesn't need to be that way. one of the great things about this forum is that you can relate to and learn from others on the same path. if you can't trust yourself, trust in the collective experience of the members here! we're all at different points in our journey, but the take home message is this: you can be better than you ever were on Adderall. that's something you need to really believe to have any sort of success in recovery. your definition of "better" is also important. Adderall makes you feel like everything you do is THE BEST, no matter how ridiculous, unproductive or unnecessary it is. it prevents you from thinking clearly about what you actually want out of life. "Do you really want to quit?" is a question that cannot truly be answered by an Adderalled brain. you need to put some distance from it to really answer that question.

@DelaneyJuliette i've attached a screenshot below for the location of the Follow buttons. the button for a topic is located at the top of the page, right above the Reply button. to follow another member, you need to navigate to their profile page. hope this helps (:

Hopeful!

my experience with Wellbutrin was on and off over a 5 year period, almost all of it under 200mg a day. it mostly had a very subtle, energizing effect for me, but the biggest effect it had was helping me to quit smoking cigarettes. Bupropion (generic for Wellbutrin) is often prescribed as a smoking cessation aid in addition to depression. some of the effects may have also been placebo which i was also fine with! i came off it completely about 6 months ago and frankly felt no withdrawal or side effects, or much of a difference at all. i was probably on it longer than necessary. FWIW, i have tried other antidepressants but never had a positive experience until Wellbutrin. i think perhaps our specific brand of post-Adderall depression is linked closer with dopamine deficiency, while other antidepressants like SSRIs or SNRIs target different neuro-chemistry. i would agree with @EricP that the more aggressive stimulant properties kick in over the 200mg threshold - this is the range that people start reporting anxiety, restlessness, etc. if you decide to try it out for another month or so, perhaps you can talk to your doctor about lowering the dosage, or switching from instant release to extended release?

hi @GPetrandis so glad to hear that you've turned this ship around! you still have many years left and you can definitely work to improve the quality of life that stimulants have robbed from you. 10+ years is a long time, but to be honest, it sounds like you've tapered through the hardest part of early recovery. i don't think you'll have too much trouble just dropping the last 10mg of your taper and going cold turkey at this point. thanks for joining us here and sharing your story - looking forward to hearing about your progress (: