SleepyStupid

hi @dolssa welcome to the forums! first of all, huge props on 7 weeks. you've definitely got some important milestones behind you, so keep up the great work!!! social anxiety is one of the hardest things to deal with because it's the only external, visible sign of your struggle. especially if friends don't know about your abuse and recovery, it just seems like (to them) you're intentionally distancing yourself. i was never a social butterfly to begin with, but i can say that i have a healthy social life now. you will feel like socializing again, but it will take some time. here's a thought: the most challenging social encounters are those where the primary activity is just talking (like dinner, going to a bar, etc.). if you're concerned about losing those relationships while struggling with recovery,why don't you invite your friend(s) to something that's more of an activity? could even just be the movies or something! it will minimize the painful part of those encounters, but count as being social. just a thought (: gl and keep posting!

so this isn't going to be the most positive, motivating post but it's the truth for me. all that working on yourself stuff sounds great, but i never did any of it. i guess i've never had the discipline for it even before Adderall. perhaps it would have made a difference in my recovery, but that's the past now for me. so 3+ years sober. am i functional? yes. do i enjoy life? mostly. but i'm definitely a different person now. i find many things (like socializing) super exhausting now, i sometimes actively avoid people, etc. i think what happened over the last couple of years is that i redefined my own definition of happiness. i decided at some point that at this stage in my life, this level of happiness is enough. easier said than done - i know - but recently i've had a bit more motivation to get back into hobbies and such, but i don't think i would have gotten here had i not let go of that idea that i needed to regain all my previous energy and life. not sure if that helps, but basically i'm saying "don't try too hard". sometimes it can be counter productive (:

no need to be sorry, that's what we're here for (: my memories of holiday's on speed are trying to come up with excuses to skip out on everything. for about half my addiction i was living at home with my parents so that made it even harder but more obvious. when i couldn't escape? just take more drugs till i was high enough to not care (and surely enough for everyone to know i was high). but at least i was pleasant then, so everyone kinda just tried to enjoy themselves. congrats on 10 months! winter is a little challenging cause you can't get out as much, but get yourself immersed in something new - even if its just like TV or videogames or something - and you'll stop thinking about the pills in no time!

lol, well said. there's honestly no better way to put it, and it describes how basically everything feels in the early stages of recovery. but it's fine! do what you have to do (besides pills) to get through the day - i remember always looking forward to being a super blob when i got home (:

yes it is - it's always an option, no matter how deep in you are (: i think to achieve any sort of meaningful introspection, you need to get off the pills first. Adderall can literally change the way you think about EVERYTHING in life. you need to distance yourself from it before you'll be able to dig deeper to find the true cause of your pain.

hi @mad_stoic we all know this pain very well, but truthfully it doesn't sound like you're mentally ready to quit. unfortunately it seems like it may be forced upon you soon when you get cut off, so you should really think hard and try to get in the right mindset about recovering before you do something stupid in desperation. another thing to consider is that the Adderall may still be working for you, but its effects are going to taper off in the future. then you'll be in an even worse situation where all the Adderall in the world won't help you. also be really careful with the drinking - it can end up becoming a bigger problem than the adderall ever was. i think the first step here is for you to envision a successful life off of stimulants. you need to truly believe its possible to have any hope of recovery. gl and stay safe!

crawling

hi @Marty so sorry to hear about this. hopefully there is still time to save your marriage. abusing Adderall can very much be a split personality type experience. for me it always felt like Jekyll and Hyde - no matter how rational you are when sober, you turn into a completely different person while high. you may find now that she is off Adderall, she can barely explain why she did the things she did. i wish you both the best of luck, hang in there!

i've only ever been on 1 other anti-depressant which was Pristiq which was an SNRI (works on seretonin and nor-ep). i had some bad reactions to it - side effects sucked. the only thing that has ever worked for me has been Wellbutrin (what dose were you prescribed?) but ultimately the game of anti-d is to try a few and see what sticks. the thing is, if your depression is in fact still Adderall related, fucking with brain chemicals other than dopamine will probably not help and may make things worse.

hi @FinallyQuitting congrats on 2 months! i suspect that in another month or so, you will at least have the energy to get out of bed and stay awake throughout the day. a decade on Adderall is rough though. aside from all the usual eat right and exercise etc. stuff, keeping yourself occupied is really the key to recovery. it's great that you don't have to worry about a formal job now, but it can be very beneficial a few months from now when idle time is your biggest challenge. if not a job, then a hobby, or classes. in my experience, picking up something completely new is better than trying to get back into old activities that were perhaps more Adderall than you. gl and koko (keep on keeping on)

hey @SeanW so glad to hear you're doing okay and still soberish (: frankly IMO that's good enough right now - it's okay to just live and enjoy what you can. there's no doubt that alcohol can become an equally devastating problem, but it sounds like you have much more of a handle on it than the stims. are you still playing music? you were doing some open mics before if i recall correctly. i haven't been able to get back into songwriting (which is a bummer), but i'm at least back to listening to and collecting music. it feels like a brand new victory even 3 years out now, and i have to believe that slowly all these things will come back. stay safe friend.

so much this ^^^!! you need to really be okay with moving on in order to truly recover. it certainly means different things for each person, but ultimately this is what we mean when we say "be kind to yourself".

pretty much this right here. you said you were at a 120mg a day? that is an absurd amount of Adderall for a prescribed dose. shame on that doctor for such a negligent prescription. i'm hoping that you weren't on this dose for all 11 years. it seems like within a year off Adderall, you're life situation has changed for better or worse. no more toxic relationship, but i suspect all the other stuff is still true (child, health problems, etc). i can tell you this much - Adderall might help again in the short term, but your tolerance will jump up very quickly and you'll run into those same problems that had you quit the first time. worst case? you'll take it for long enough to Adderall your way into a "high stress job", then fail at that as you seek to quit again. a year long absence followed by a rebound failure could be enough to seriously damage your career outlook for a while. actually the real worst case is your health. you were taking a very large dose of Adderall so it's no surprise you had health issues. as @Subtracterall said, you're also older now. your body chemistry and hormones are different, you will never achieve that initial high you got from the pills. no matter how shitty you feel right now, think about this: do you plan to take Adderall forever? if not, you'll have to quit again at some point when it will be even harder. you're already a year out - don't let this effort go to waste. if it sounds like i'm trying to scare you, then good, because i am! keep on keeping on (:

i think "tame" might be the wrong word to use here, because it implies trying to assert control over it. instead, think of it as complete avoidance. in the short term it will be difficult, because every challenge you come across you will think about using, but after a while you kinda just... forget about it (: you won't spend the rest of your life fighting this addiction. at some point it will become a distant fading memory. gl and keep posting!

@Lawyer , think about it this way - do you see yourself taking Adderral for the rest of your professional life? (probably not) do you think there will ever be a better time to quit, when you don't have as much responsibility? (probably not) so you're going to have to quit at some point. right now you're at about 5 years - imagine how hard it will be after 10 years. and that's even assuming the pills continue to work for you. if you're already double dosing and only lasting through half your prescription cycle, that's a bad sign. your chances of ever going back to normal therapeutic use are close to 0%, but as i point out above... you shouldn't want to anyway.

hi @amcardwell first of all, congratulations on finally taking the step to reclaim your life! as hard as it seems, now is definitely the time to do this, before your kid is born. life seldom gets less complicated, so there will never be a better time to quit. to be honest, you lose interest in mostly everything after quitting Adderall. unlike hobbies that you can just not partake in for a while, your job is something you're forced to be exposed to most days of the week. this forced exposure is going to make it feel like your dislike for web development is stronger than your dislike for everything else. to be fair, work is work, but honestly you may never "love" it in the same way again. that love that you describe, "wake up excited about it and fall asleep dreaming about it"... that was never real. your interest will slowly return in time, but i'd say don't worry about that right now. work is going to SUCK for a while, but if you can manage to get by with the bare minimum then you're already managing your recovery in a healthy way. focus on everything else in your life - you're having a kid soon!!! you will draw immense strength from that experience - use it to fuel the stuff that you dislike but have to do (: gl and keep us posted!!!

even though i've heard it so many times, it's still shocking to me how negligent doctors can be about Adderall. i'm sorry you're going through this - it must be really tough and disillusioning. an addiction specialist would be great, but in the absence of one i agree with @quit-once on being more forceful with them. your problem isn't depression - it's Adderall. you are coming in today to discuss a plan to discontinue Adderall because it is no longer effective in managing your ADHD. you do not want to switch to another medication - you will be managing your ADHD through behavioral therapy. when worded this way, it would be much harder for a doctor to dismiss your needs.

that is a dangerous amount of Adderall - i was around the same towards the end of my use. it is certainly possible to quit cold turkey, but honestly i was taking Wellbutrin which kind of softened the roughest edges of early recovery. this can certainly help if there is no way to take a break from your responsibilities (take time off work, have your boyfriend/parents look after your kid?). you really need to give yourself some breathing room, at least for a couple of weeks till you're past the can't-keep-your-eyes-open phase.

sounds like a lot of positive things happening in your life right now! FWIW, i too manage to turn positive things into stressful things, such that those types of temptations can come to the surface. it is as you say a trap - you knew what the result was going to be, but maybe the underlying problem is that you didn't have enough confidence in yourself to deliver on your writing commitments? it sounds like religion is hugely important and helpful to you, which is great! but don't let that replace addressing the confidence thing, because you are a great writer, you just need some wins without stimulants to really know that (:

i think you should hold off on your assessment of "Adderall skills". i don't think there is such a thing, but that's hard to see until you're out of it's grasp. Adderall makes everything more interesting, but it doesn't exactly make you better at something. the problem is actually one of reference or comparison. for a long while, you will compare doing things sober to doing things on Adderall. it's hard to forget. but with new things? there's no point of reference. you can't compare it to how it felt on Adderall. that's why novelty is so important during recovery - finding new hobbies, interests, even a new career. i'm not sure what an IT Analyst does specifically (i think it varies a lot?), but it sounds similar to Product Management (which is what I do). gathering user requirements, converting them into functional specs, being the glue between engineering, designing and operations... it's a hectic but rewarding field! it sounds like that's where you're headed - maybe take some time to broaden your skills, take an online class or two, but most importantly - take it easy for a little while. (:

honestly the only way to effectively lower your tolerance is... well, stopping for a while. but keep in mind - you've already admitted to chasing a high and not having the will power to taper. even if you manage to lower your tolerance, it will not bring the high back. basically what i'm saying is that this is not going to work for you. yes. i am still on Wellbutrin as it helps with my depression, but in regards to Adderall recovery it can reduce the discomfort through acute withdrawal. it's not a miracle drug, and the effect is subtle. you can't get high on it and as long as you're not taking too high of a dose, it is very well tolerated. it is certainly an option to consider with your doctor.

closer! (than ever before)

hi @mcmc congrats on your decision to take your life back. you're right - something needs to change immediately. i'll be honest with you - over 10 years on Adderall is a long time. 1 month may be enough to get through the "can't keep my eyes open" phase, but if you intend on keeping that job, you need to have a serious plan in place for cutting back on responsibility and making it through the day with the least amount of effort. this could be difficult if you've made yourself known as an Adderall work machine, but perhaps that means you have a good enough relationship with your supervisor to explain your situation (after all, you're taking FMLA for a reason). it's really a game of managing expectations. many people here have had success with complete cold turkey, but just know that everyone's situation is unique. don't automatically rule out a taper, and don't automatically rule out something like Wellbutrin. the key is to stay quit , not do it in any specific way. good luck and stay close to the boards. we're rooting for you (:

bored!

totally this~!!!!!! well said! it's so easy to get trapped into a mindset where you're waiting for something magical to happen, or suddenly feel healed one day. the reality is, you won't feel anything until you actually do something that you couldn't do before. congrats on 2 years @EricP (: