SleepyStupid

Thanks @quit-once! we're looking forward to blasting spam and keeping things accessible and safe for everyone (:

i had a similar experience with very powerful resolve towards the end of my use 5 years ago. in my case, i was abusing so hard i was literally scared for my life. i could see my true self so clearly, and he was terrified. i decided that night, i. was. done. so don't second guess yourself - that "something" pulling you off the couch is a very real part of you that is fighting for it's life. listen to it, even when the addict's voice is louder. you got this. (:

this is a powerful realization, be sure to remember it! it's easy to glamorize and think fondly of Adderall when you're in recovery and the going gets tough - but the truth is that things were probably way worse on it.

hi @taryn your story is very familiar to us - you're in the right place, so welcome! it's interesting that you were prescribed Adderall for depression - sounds kind of dangerous, but of course i'm not your doctor (or a doctor at all). your story sounds like a classic case of chasing the high, but at least you've recognized the danger before you chase it off a cliff! there are of course a lot of great things about being sober, but the biggest thing for me is emotional stability. especially with the on 2 off 2 week pattern of use, the roller coaster of emotions and needing to be "on" in order to do anything was completely unsustainable. i'd basically just postpone or procrastinate everything in my life until i got my refill again - but even that window of productivity or happiness shrank down to basically nothing. i agree that tapering may not be suitable for you, especially given your pattern of use. normally coming off Adderall can be done safely cold turkey, but if your underlying depression is serious, you should really involve your doctor in this process. gl and keep us posted! (:

i sent a message to @quit-once. he isn't on here every day but hopefully will see the message soon enough. from what he's told me before, apparently this sometimes happens when the WordPress account or license expires - I think he has to reach out to Mike to get that part resolved.

hi @slowdown123 i'm sorry to hear about your decision to return to meds. i think what's missing in your post is the reason you decided to quit in the first place. are those reasons all still valid? you've probably read enough posts here to know that when you return to the meds, it may feel great for a short while, but you will be right back to all the negative effects fairly quickly. the 5-12 month recovery period is honestly the most brutal, because you're past the acute lethargy but you don't know how to use your new energy for anything. i don't mean to shame you or anything, but if you're going to resign yourself to using medication again, at least be confident in that decision. "for the time being" just sounds like deep down you know it isn't the right decision, but you don't have the strength to continue. let me tell you something: when you inevitably decide to quit again in the future, it will be that much harder to quit. you already have 5 months sober - it will NEVER get easier than RIGHT NOW to quit. your life will not suddenly become easier or less complicated in the future, there will never be a better time to quit. your decision to return to the psychiatrist is in part due to the recent usage of pain killers which have reactivated pathways you've worked hard to close. at least give yourself a few weeks to move past this episode with Percocet, then reassess whether you really want to return to medication. gl and keep us posted, we're here to help (:

wow that's a brutal schedule - serious props for dragging yourself to work everyday! if it's any consolation, i really do believe that all this exhaustion will pay off in the way of a speedier recovery. you are pushing yourself on a consistent basis, and each day should be just a little easier than the last. it may not feel like it now but as @DrewK15 said, it's like lifting - eventually your hard work will show results. of the 3 things you mentioned, i think the weight loss part might be excessive at this point in your journey. i can certainly understand valuing health and fitness, but you can still achieve these things without pushing yourself into caloric deficit. wouldn't it be a shame if this was the thing that was making your day just exhausting enough to relapse? don't risk your sanity and progress over what you've already admitted is perfectionism (:

this is usually how most people get themselves into trouble - it's like Jekyll and Hyde - the moment you're a little buzzed, everything seems like a great idea. i agree that your problem is probably a combination of this and your environment. to me though, the crossroads decision is an easy one: if staying sober means no friends for now, then stay sober. i know how hard it is to see past your current situation, but you have the rest of your life to make friends, and there are PLENTY of those out there that don't do drugs. you just have to be alive long enough to find them. (: relapse is not the end of the world - but you almost made it that by having a loaded gun so easily accessible. i'm certainly not against gun ownership, but it doesn't sound like a good idea at this point in your life.

congrats! knew you could do it (:

"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection." a very powerful TED talk on the topic of addiction and our connections to others (:

i think this is a make or break moment for you - if you start this new job by going back to Adderall, you will not only wipe out all the physiological progress your brain has made healing itself, but psychologically you are giving the inner addict a HUGE win without even a fight! don't you at least want to KNOW how difficult this job will be before you give up? depending on the type of work you're doing, it might not actually be as bad as you think. we are all more adaptable than we think we are! if you're constantly engaged (fast-paced environment as you say), you may end up being too busy to feel down. you don't need to be Superman or chatty Cathy at work - this will be about survival for a little while, not about performance or being liked. like most things in life, once you have the routines down for your new job it will become easier - you just need to let yourself get to that point without giving in to the medication. trust in your own strength to do this - think of it as a test for your big move next year! (:

hi @Authenticity welcome to the forums! that is a very relatable list of Adderall grievances - especially all the physical side effects. i remember the very visceral feeling of my health withering away, i was genuinely scared for my life at some point which was the main catalyst for my recovery. creating a list like this and sharing it here is a great idea - it's something you can return to, to remind yourself of the pain this drug causes you. gl with your journey and keep sharing! (:

i'm sorry to hear about your eventful weekend - that must have been really tough, especially being let down by the professionals you're trusting with your life. it sounds like the ER doc was quick to assume your condition was a result of abruptly stopping medication, which is probably a fair diagnosis most of the time. unfortunately an ER doc's job isn't to attend to your mental health, it's to stabilize you. that being said, it's still pretty negligent to prescribe stimulants to someone who clearly communicated that they had been abusing them! it sounds like your management of BPD will be very important in your Adderall recovery success. if mood stabilizers are genuinely the right solution for you, then there must have been a reason you chose to go off them when you quit Adderall? only you know the answer to that, but if you're going to discontinue those meds as well you need to make sure you have the right support in place - manage the underlying condition properly and you will also manage the Adderall recovery. from your posts i can tell you have excellent introspection and discipline - you know what you need to do now, so toss those pills and get back on the wagon! (:

frankly i agree - in my mind there's nothing morally wrong with drugs in general - the problem is it's never just once a month i think that's a fairly healthy attitude. it's kind of hard to lump Adderall in with other things like alcohol, food, caffeine, even weed - because Adderall is genuinely a much more powerful psychostimulant with a high risk of dependence and addiction. there's a reason why it's a prescription unlike the rest of those things.

i think you've answered your own question here. to be honest, if Adderall didn't any negative side effects or risk of addiction or affect on your loved ones, no one would stop taking it. there is always a trade off with drugs, whether you recognize it yet or not. in your case, you make it seem like you were in control for 5 years, but honestly what you were doing was eroding your internal motivation circuits.. you conditioned yourself to rely on a pill when the going got tough. perhaps you subconsciously shifted around your priorities or work to align with pill days or something to that effect. the problem with this logic is that your addicted mind could very easy rationalize anything if it means getting back to the pills. a 30 day detox simply becomes a drug vacation if you've already decided you're going back to the pill after it's over. if you really want to test yourself, try a 90 day break. i'm sorry to say but once you've crossed over to binge abuse like you've described, you have about a 0% chance of going back to "normal" use.

hi @mischa sorry that your questions went unanswered so long, this board isn't as active as the General and Tell Your Story ones, so your post probably slipped under the radar. you've got a tough situation there with so many little ones, but you're making the right decision here. yup. that is exactly what Adderall does to you. you are basically taking speed everyday - once your body gets used to it, you're naturally going to be really tired when you're NOT taking speed. it's actually bizarre that the sleep Dr didn't point this out - assuming you told him/her that you're on prescription stimulants. that's kind of hard to say, and it varies from person to person. it looks like you've been using for a little less than a year so i think the worst of the withdrawal will be in the first 90 days after you completely stop use. there are a few that seem to help but none are a magic bullet. the effects would be subtle if anything: l-tyrosine, B12s, of course caffeine in moderation. i honestly never found supplements to be all that helpful, but taking normal dietary supplements along with eating healthy seems to be advised. its possible that your anti-anxiety meds (i think you meant Pristiq?) could potentially prolong fatigue. i was prescribed Pristiq for a short period of time and didn't react well to it. not sure if this was something you were taking before you started Adderall, but if it was prescribed as a way to reduce anxiety CAUSED by Adderall i think you should discontinue that as well (with the supervision of your doctor of course). hope this helps! (:

well said (:

from what i've seen/read (anecdotally) the "withdrawal penalty" has more to do with the length of consistent use than the dosage - however the dosage you take may have more of an impact on your immediate health. here's the thing though - you shouldn't look at this as "waiting for the depression to quit". that's a huge trap. sure - it may take several years for you to distance yourself from the lifestyle Adderall created, but that doesn't mean that all that time is 100% miserable. you will definitely find happiness fairly soon into your recovery - find what works, try new things, continually push yourself.. you may actually find yourself "recovered" far sooner than it would have taken if you just sat around waiting for it. (: gl and welcome to the forums!

this. its honestly hard to say how long it will take to "feel happy again". that's a pretty subjective experience, but the one thing i can say for sure is that you won't wake up one day and just feel "recovered". recovery is a process by which you slowly learn to love your life again - the biggest gains aren't made by waiting to feel better - they are made by continually challenging yourself to do things you weren't able to before. for many of us, those things could be as simple as cleaning your room or living space. i took Wellbutrin for a while and found it helpful, though 10mg doesn't sound right for a dosage. 300mg is supposed to be the normal adult dosage, but even that is probably too much and can cause anxiety. i found the sweet spot to be around 150mg. hope this helps!

hi @sage welcome to the group (: i know your pattern of use veryyy well: fill Rx, binge 4 days straight, coma 2 days, finish rest of Rx, trudge through life for 2 weeks till refill. i had no illusions about my use towards the end - it wasn't a productivity tool for me, i just liked getting high. in a way this made it easier for me to demonize Adderall - it turns the battle from an inconvenient addiction to prescribed medication into a fight for my life against a hardcore drug. you may not realize all the damage you're doing, but our specific brand of binge abuse is way more damaging to our body systems than regular therapeutic use. i was honestly falling apart and scared for my life - you should be too. maybe a different way of thinking about it: you're not a "functional junkie" - you're a speed junkie that happens to be functional (for now). i think this would be the right mindset to approach the coming battle. you have a family that depends on you, you want to kick this before your kids are old enough to realize that you're a drug addict, yea? so act now - call your doc, cut off your source, figure out a plan with your husband so you can take it easy for a few weeks through the acute withdrawal phase. i think you realize this already but you can never go back to "normal" use, so i don't think tapering would be an effective strategy for you. it sounds like you have the support structures in place to just do this cold turkey. gl and keep us posted!

hi @idkanymore so sorry to hear about your struggles - i think you need to give yourself a break, or as we say around here "be kind to yourself". it sounds like you're fighting this tremendous battle as a single mom without the luxury of a stable support system and a boyfriend threatening to throw you out. if you're willing to share a bit more, we can help you work out a strategy or plan - are you financially independent? in the unfortunate case that your boyfriend throws you out, do you have somewhere to go? it's possible that he genuinely wants to help but is trying to hold you accountable with consequences. perhaps if you have an open conversation about this and show that you can hold yourself accountable, he wouldn't feel as pressured to do so. keep us posted - we're happy to help (:

i'm not a marriage counselor or anything of the sort, but i get the sense that it's not just about believing you or not. it seems like your wife has gone through a lot of pain as a result of your use, and it just doesn't seem to be fair to her that everything is explained away simply by "it was the drugs". there's no comfort or closure in that for her. to be honest, all of your posts actually read like you're playing the victim card way too heavily. maybe she feels like you're robbing her of being the victim? i don't mean to sound like i'm discrediting you or defending medical institutions, but you probably need to take a bit more responsibility for your actions, even if they were under the influence. 10 years is a long time to have no idea what's going on with your life.

hi @correctfigure welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story - i'm sorry to hear that dex robbed you of some great college experiences. thankfully, it sounds like that's about the extent of the damage you've done thus far, so NOW is the time to make a permanent commitment to quit. you've already graduated to binge use regularly, which effectively means you will never be able to go back to any kind of controlled usage (not that controlled usage is all that much better). you yourself admit that the dex no longer improves your productivity or really anything. believe me when i tell you: it will never go back to the way it was. the magic is gone, it's time to move on - there's no better opportunity than now when the whole world is on pause! as @quit-once suggested, you should take some time to consider a proper plan rather than treating this time as a "long break". thinking of this time as a break is dangerous, you aren't forced to deal with the problem and put into place better habits and support structures. gl and keep us posted (:

to be honest, dating might have been the key to my successful recovery. right around the time that i quit, i had started dating a new girl and, having ruined my previous long-term relationship with Adderall, i had no intention of fucking this one up. it was honestly the push i needed to finally make the decision. this was of course my personal experience, and YMMV, but you know that giddy, thrilling energy you have in the first few months of a relationship? turns out it's the perfect cure to recovery blues! it's a type of energy you honestly can't tap into normally. it's the thrill of falling in love - it magically overpowers the fatigue, depression, everything when your around that person. i honestly don't think i would have succeeded without that element in my life at that time. (:

hi @MahomeboyKC welcome to the forums - glad you finally decided to join us on the other side (: your concerns are completely valid. what you're experiencing is a fundamental existential crisis that Adderall creates because it is so hugely impactful on the way you think about everything. as you say, it's not just your work ethic or judgement - it's also what you enjoy doing, who you enjoy being around - basically everything. this was also one of the primary concerns that led me to quitting. it felt like there was an entirely different person living my Adderall life, but nothing that guy did really added any value to the "real me". the problem was the "real me" was so far gone and suppressed that i wasn't even sure he existed anymore. i'm sure you've read up on the acute withdrawal stuff (fatigue, depression, etc) - the first 90 days or so is more a battle of will power than anything. it is after this that the real challenge begins. i don't mean to scare you, but you may find that the person off the drug is a LOT different than the person on the drug (especially after a decade of use). this can be terrifying, but the quicker you accept this and embrace it as an opportunity for change, the better off you will be. i often think that the word "recovery" is a bit misleading. when you think of the upcoming challenge as a "return" to normal, you actually fall into the trap of waiting around and comparing everything to how it felt on Adderall. if instead you think of it as a re-creation or re-discovery of yourself, you can potentially avoid a lot of the frustration and feelings of hopelessness. do you have a plan in mind? a cut-off date? can you take some time off in the beginning?