SleepyStupid

@m34 this is awesome! congratulations!!!! this is such a terrific attitude, but also so honest. it's a recognition that there is still room to improve, which is frankly true for ALL people, not just us addicts and users. that recognition, that I'm now facing challenges that everyone faces, made me feel "normal" again. it's a huge win and helps you shift your focus from recovery to just plain ole self-improvement (:

i'd be curious to hear about your results - i had tremendous bloating for a while after, but at the time I chalked it up to poor eating habits. I can say with certainty that my GI system even today is not what it used to be (but maybe that's just age as well ). weight gain is something that I neglected the first few years of my recovery, and it wasn't until recently that I really recognized the impact it's had - it might be solely responsible for the social anxiety that I currently have, particularly when interacting with people who last knew me 40 pounds lighter! my weight has definitely stabilized, though at a much higher level than i'd like - working out at home is okay, but I'm definitely looking forward to gyms openings again (:

@LuLamb you've reached a really important point in your recovery. as you say, the actions taken by the addict are the consequences the real you will have to bear. it definitely takes time and energy to sort through these various messes. for me (and many others), it was a financial sink hole that I had to work my way out of (it took me 2 years after quitting to become financially independent again). there are relationships to mend, habits to break and health to improve, but don't try to tackle everything at once!

Jolly!

hi @GirlSavedByGrace 10 years is a long time - congratulations on breaking the cycle and starting the process of healing! it is going to be a challenging journey, but it sounds like your spirituality and resolve is strong. I remember what taking a whole month's supply in a single week feels like - it's brutal and unsustainable. ripping up that script was a huge win for you. cutting off your source is an important first step in this journey, so perhaps consider coming clean to your doctor about the abuse. they may suggest a taper schedule which could work, but a fair warning: those of us that were binge users will have a much harder time with control and discipline needed for a taper. quitting cold turkey is usually the recommended route and generally pretty safe. if you choose to go the taper down route, perhaps consider having your partner dispense doses for you. welcome to the forums and keep us posted on your progress! (:

hi @Articulus congratulations on taking the leap, and welcome to the forums! "So far, so good" - that's an excellent attitude to have this early on in the process. ultimately your experience during recovery will be shaped by your expectations - if you feel like napping, then listen to your body and do it. you will find that pretty soon, you won't feel like napping during the day, which is great because it shows you're making progress. around that point in the journey is a good time to start an exercise routine, because you will have some energy back but won't really know what to do with it. gl and keep us posted (:

@correctfigure the bots are always getting smarter, don't let it bother you (: it's been a while since you've posted - how are you doing these days? hoping that you're now ~6 months clean?

congratulations on the move! it sounds so beautiful out there! I agree with the plan of just getting out of the house - soak up the new views, nature and experiences there. it should serve to distract you from the one-year blues. while it is true in general that we (addicts) are a higher risk population, this kind of language seeks to minimize the risks for "normal" people which is kind of disingenuous. doctors will say the exact same thing about Adderall, "you'll be fine in a couple of weeks unless you abuse it" . if the pain is still an ongoing issue, for a safer alternative, I believe your fine state legalized marijuana recently

committed? COMMITTED!

this is probably how I looked to other people towards the end of my addiction - no one wonder strangers would ask me whether I was okay! Adderall was my precioussssss

yes! that is certainly the point of this place (: nothing odd about this at all. I remember periods during my abuse (while on Adderall), where I couldn't suppress my tears. it felt like a version of me trapped inside the addict, and the only way that person could communicate was through tears. it wasn't until I ran out at the end of the month and crashed for a few days that I actually knew why I was crying. and of course once I filled my script, all that understanding would vanish. it was such a vicious cycle.

hang in there @tjzen ! the first couple of weeks will be brutal, but that acute anxiety will subside. you're still in for quite a ride after that, but just focus on one day at a time right now until you feel a bit more leveled out. when you feel ready, I encourage you to share your full story and we can help you plan out the next phases of your recovery. (:

I think it's natural (even expected) to have cravings and temptations. IMO, there's no amount of mental resolve or will power that will eliminate these feelings, but if you simply don't have access to pills when these temptations occur, then problem solved! glad to hear that your back on a taper schedule - do you have any precautions in place to make sure you don't overuse? perhaps a family member or roommate that can dispense for you? you're at a very critical juncture right now, and it wouldn't hurt to be extra cautious. welcome back (:

@NurseAddy @sage Fear is a very powerful motivator. you need to be scared for yourself, scared for your family, scared that you're literally chopping away years of your life. especially for those of us who ABUSE with a capital A, it's bad enough to see the damage that's visible - imagine what's happening that you can't see! doom and gloom aside, it's great that you're both still here and keeping this on your mind. as @quit-once says - you NEED a plan. work with your families, doctors, employers, anyone who can help you set up the right support structures to escape from this cycle of abuse. and of course keep us posted (:

I suppose it depends how you define exhaustion. the acute withdrawal period (where you're barely able to keep your eyes open through the day) could last any where from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. I remember this period as the "car nap" period as I'd use my lunch break to sneak naps during the day! after that, it can vary wildly from one person to the next, but I remember quite suddenly not being able to fall asleep during my car naps any more. this was maybe around month 3 for me, but I would still be exhausted coming home and would fall asleep around 9PM every night. this lasted for probably longer than it should have (more exercise would have helped), but this lasted another 6 months or so. I think toward the end of my first year is when I stopped feeling "exhausted" just being alive - I had enough energy to make it through the day, but still bad anhedonia and depression. that would dissipate over the 2nd and 3rd year for me. hope this helps a bit (PS I was also on a low dose of Wellbutrin for the first 6 months or so).

hi @tuneum congrats on flushing your pills and cutting off your doc! that was a huge step, even if it doesn't feel like it. give yourself some credit where it's due! i'm sorry to hear about your isolation - we all know how lonely addiction can be, on top of all the craziness this year. it would be lousy advice to just say "you need to get out more" cause, well there's a pandemic AND that's probably the last thing you feel like doing right now! but it does sound like you'd benefit from checking out a local NA/AA meeting (in-person or virtual). you don't even have to share or speak if you're not ready. just go - and listen. being around people will help. also consider looking into some online video classes - there are tons of virtual meetups and sessions being offered these days which allow you to be as social as you feel comfortable with while gaining a skill or hobby in the process! what is your current situation like? living alone? working? going to school? you need a plan to manage the first couple of weeks or your going to end up back on the pills. if you can, try to buy yourself some time - preferably a week to literally do nothing. if that's not possible, then take a serious look at that backlog of shit and reprioritize only the super bare minimum stuff. there's a shockingly easy solution to this - exercise. i'll be the first to admit that i'm terrible about staying physically active, but I remember that feeling you describe and literally jumping on the exercise bike for 20 minutes makes that feeling VANISH. this is honestly why many people here get obsessed with fitness during recovery, because its one of the few things that actually works! (:

betrayed

maybe you just need a reminder of why you chose to quit in the first place? surely there were great reasons at the time, but the shittiness of the early recovery process can easily block or mask them. you say that you miss your "Adderall self", but I think what you really miss is not feeling like shit. there is a better version of you waiting on the other side of this journey - you just need to constantly remind yourself of that (:

hi @GeorgiaRigby welcome to the forums, so glad to hear that you've started on this journey! I remember that period of my life where stimulants were my everything - as you say, I'd pop a pill for basically any damn reason (but especially when I was feeling sad or lonely). basically stimulants replace our need for validation, which normally comes from relationships (external validation) or our sense of accomplishment (internal validation). of course, those things require effort - that's how things are supposed to be: put in the effort and get the reward. Adderall flips that equation around, so you get the reward regardless of the effort. this is why you'll read so many stories here of people isolating, alienating and getting trapped in false "productivity". so when you say "I'm not sure how to live right now", I think it's helpful to understand how the drug has changed your behavior. I know how overwhelming it feels to try to imagine this new life - who will I be? what will I like? how will I get there? don't worry about that for now - those things will become clear over time, but you need to put enough distance between You and the Addict first. we all have our own unique challenges and circumstances in life, but yes this will be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. but think back to what I said about that reward equation: the harder something is, the more reward you get from it! I smoked a fair amount during my recovery, but this would depend on how marijuana affects you. the danger in using any substance during recovery is whether it will tempt you to use Adderall again under the influence. there is unfortunately no "easy" way through this, but there are certainly things that can help. I wouldn't go crazy with the supplements, just focus first on getting through the first couple of months (which is going to suck no matter what you do). once you're through that phase, you'll have enough clarity to plan for the next part of your journey. stay close to the forums and keep us posted (:

i think what @jp4revolt meant is a finer delineation between dependence and addiction. in general, dependence could be simply defined as requiring the drug to function "normally", it's more of a medical context. addiction is typically associated with an additional dimension of harmful or compulsive behavior, and it's more of a behavioral context. so based on those definitions, it might be fair to say that all who are addicted are technically dependent, but not the other way around.

yes - you will definitely feel things again, in fact you will feel more things! but I think it's important to separate out the stuff that Adderall enjoyed, not you. for example: no one likes doing chores, but people seem to LOVE it while high! sorry to say - you'll never feel that way about mopping the floor again (but it's okay, no one does). "How do I make myself enjoy doing things again?" - you can't force it, but that certainly doesn't mean you should wait around to magically feel better. i've always believed in the effect of novelty: doing new and unknown things requires a bit more effort, but can spark interest faster than trying to get back into things you enjoyed while on Adderall. it works because with new activities, you have no point of reference to how it felt back on Adderall - there's no automatic comparison happening. feeling like you've lost yourself is scary - we've all been there. sometimes its helpful to think of this journey as one of "discovery" rather than "recovery". embrace novelty - this is a chance to discover a NEW version of you! (:

hi @jp4revolt great to hear you've rediscovered the site - glad to have you back! yes, we can see your posts there's no toggle to make things public. you're free to post on any sub-forum you feel comfortable with - just try to keep it relevant and try not to hijack other members' topics. for what it's worth, you may have better luck engaging with with others here if you keep your posts more focused on help/recovery (that's what we're all here for).

if you have some supplement recommendations i'd suggest creating a topic in the "Supplements, Energy Drinks, and Alternatives" board!

hi @Sunbeams_findyou congratulations on 3 months! i know it doesn't feel like an accomplishment (recovery is not always a linear process) but you are so close to turning a corner. i remember quite well that stress of financials and education looming over the decision to quit - i was in a pretty bad place myself. thankfully i had the support of my family through the worst of it. i think Adderall kind of conditions us into self-reliance and alienating those around us, but recovery requires the opposite. we need people in our lives, and support structures - it's hard to ask for help, but it is often the thing that can make or break your recovery. perhaps you can lean on them till the worst of it is over? Wellbutrin can certainly be helpful during early recovery, though bringing a sedative into the mix sounds unwise. in general, taking too many meds when recovering from stimulants will just draw out the recovery process. if you're just numbing your system, you'll probably also miss the all-natural "feel good" moments of recovery that let you know that your making progress. gl with your journey and keep us posted (:

hi @Unmotivated welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story. first i want to congratulate you on delivering a healthy baby boy! second i want to congratulate you for being close to a year off Adderall now! those are are HUGE milestones! you seem to be preoccupied with this notion that you're "fat and lazy". it's perfectly normal to gain weight during pregnancy AND when quitting Adderall. now the question is: do you want to lose that weight the right way or by chemically starving yourself? it's true that you're going to feel kind of lazy and unmotivated through the recovery process, though i'm willing to bet in 6 months you'll feel less negative than you do you now anyway. but consider this: how do you actually define productive? i suspect that you don't actually miss "going a million miles a minute and doing 500 things at once". let's be honest: you miss being high. your job as a mother isn't over when breast feeding is done - it is JUST BEGINNING. is going back to Adderall going to make you a better or worse mother? i think you already know the answer.