SleepyStupid

word salad! yea, this was the scariest side-effect post quitting for me. it literally felt like i had permanently damaged my communication systems - but as you've already discovered, it does come back (: congrats on a month clean! keep on keeping on

congrats man! i think you will find very quickly how capable you really are, and this realization will give you proof without a doubt that you don't need a pill to be great. (:

hi @brooklynuser thanks for sharing your story, and hope you're staying safe over there! the quarantine sucks for sure, and i can imagine how challenging it makes your current situation. i confess, i'm a little confused about your current state of usage. so when you say "relapse", it sounds like you mean you're going from normal prescribed dose to abuse? i definitely see how being stuck at home all day can exacerbate this.here's the thing - even if you manage to control your use and maintain "normal" usage, you're basically doing the same amount of damage to yourself in the long-term. the best case scenario if you continue using? fast forward 3 years from now, the Adderall isn't working the same way it used to, but your life and responsibilities continue to increase. the magic is gone and you're just left with this burden of a pill that doesn't help but if you stop taking it you become useless. you regret not quitting earlier. worst case scenario? you're abuse gets worse, you fuck up your life and bottom-out. you regret not quitting earlier. as you can see, both scenarios are no good. there is no better time than NOW while you have a built in excuse to avoid most social encounters! take advantage of this time and kick the habit before it becomes worse, and much harder to quit down the road. you know this to be true, that's why your here. gl and keep us updated (:

i think the better question to ask yourself is what possible emergency would you need them for? IF (big if lol) there truly were such an emergency, wouldn't taking a pill to get through it be an admission that you are incapable of doing it normally? you need to stop thinking of Adderall as a tool - there is NOTHING you NEED Adderall to do for you!!! tear that script up and never look back.

@dolssa don't give up! you're at such a crucial turning point - like @m34 said, 6 months is in one of those transitional phases where you still have more bad days than good - but you KNOW when you're having a good day. slowly you will have more good days than bad, but that takes time. honestly what's the alternative? if you feel pressured to take Adderall just to hang out with family and friends, imagine being pressured at work! it's a never ending cycle, and it's not sustainable. stay strong and keep on keeping on (:

hi @LostMyMind welcome to the forums - glad you finally decided to share your story and reclaim your life! it seems to be a fairly common experience that doctors don't have a good understanding of stimulant cessation (which means they shouldn't be prescribing it to begin with, but that's a different issue altogether). as you've probably gathered from posts on this forum, tapering isn't often recommended, especially for those of us who have abused the medication. frankly it requires *more* discipline than just cold turkey, because you still have access to it! regarding Wellbutrin, it can certainly help, though YMMV. i took it for a few years after quitting Adderall - it is an atypical antidepressant with stimulant properties, but i'd be hard pressed to say it felt like a stimulant, at least at the dosages i took (150mg or less a day). it is a very subtle effect, well tolerated medication, you don't feel like shit when you miss a dose, and coming off it cold turkey is safe and not uncomfortable. the concerns around seizure are fair but generally noted at doses > 300mg (which is the normal adult dosage). i think Wellbutrin is most effective in the first few months for dealing with the acute symptoms of withdrawal (extreme fatigue, lethargy, etc.). i don't think it helps too much with PAWS or long term recovery challenges - i probably stayed on it longer than i needed to. good luck and keep us posted! (:

haha - yes there's just no better way to describe recovery! i think words matter a lot, and the way we use them too. i specifically like the word "sleepy" because it acknowledges the lack of energy, but also that sleep is awesome! i enjoy being sleepy but i hate being exhausted. glad to hear you're feeling better - keep on keeping on (:

sorry to hear about your relapse - finals period is tough enough on its own, much less doing it while suffering through withdrawals. is there any possibility of taking a semester off? maybe during that time you can just take some elective classes or something to put into a place a better work habit / routine? you can also maybe try studying/working in some place public like a cafe - i find just the energy of people buzzing about helps a little (plus the smell of coffee!!!). i honestly wish i had better advice for you on school matters but i ended up dropping out of grad school due to my addiction, loans for which i am STILL paying back without even having the degree. its a bummer, but i'm fine and successful despite that so it's not the end of the world. hang in there friend - it's worth the fight!

so ask yourself - is your career or life ever going to become less stressful in the future? i'm guessing the answer to that is no. it's quite simple - there will never be an "easier" point at which to quit Adderall than NOW while you have over a month sober! (:

woo! ride the wave! (: i truly believe that recovering means a series of these kinds of events - proving to yourself that you don't need Adderall to succeed. thanks for sharing!

hi @bellavore congratulations on finally deciding to live your life! i lol'd a little - not because it's funny necessarily, but i know exactly what this feels like. in a way it's great, no? these are your emotions flooding back. sometimes it can be scary, and other times kind of amusing! but either way, it is a good sign. hopefully your S/O knows what you're going through so you have some support through this? no doubt it is scary, but mostly when you are thrust into a situation like work or some other public commitment, i have found that it's easier to shuffle through the day than you think. it will not be fun, and it will not go by quickly, but you may be pleasantly surprised that the real world doesn't actually demand as much from you as Adderall does. Adderall often makes us feel like we need to over perform everything. if you have the opportunity to just stick to some low key repetitive work, take advantage of that for sure! it will definitely get easier over time, but just remember that there's nothing wrong with doing the bare minimum for a while. gl on your first day and let us know how it went (:

yes ^this! one of the most powerful things said to me in my whole addiction/recovery process was "you don't have to win anything - it's okay to just live." (:

hi @Andyd2 first off, 15 months is huge - congrats! i suspect things will continue to passively improve for you through your 2nd year sober, so just keep on keeping on. i absolutely relate to your sense of an identity crisis. you've just spent the 10 most formative years of your life as a "different" person. Adderall robbed you of your transition into an adult, but thankfully you've already recognized this and taken the first step to reclaiming your life - getting off it. this next part is more philosophical than practical, but i think it may help with your existential crisis. i'd like to hone in on the word "return" you used a couple of times in your post. that word has a connotation of going backwards - "i want to go back to some state". i'll assume that you don't necessarily mean back to the feeling of Adderall, but perhaps some distant pre-Adderall state, or what you imagine "normal" should be. the problem is, memory is emotional and it is always biased, even more so with a decade on speed. what you want to "return" to may not be real or even exist. it may be more healthy to think of recovery as charting a path to a "new normal". those things you list that haven't "returned" (enthusiasm, curiosity, etc.) can instead be "re-discovered". it certainly means doing things differently, searching out new interests, discovering new passions, maybe even changing careers. it is worth considering that the best years of your life are actually ahead of you, not behind (:

yes, totally this. i've spent my entire life self-medicating one way or another, but nothing ever became a SERIOUS problem until Adderall. people generally have a very different kind of drug relationship with stimulants, but especially Adderall. it's cause unlike most other drugs which you take to "just get high", Adderall is taken for the purpose of self-improvement and productivity. it initially feels more like a tool than a drug, which is a very dangerous place to start from.

fair point - but consider that no one would stop taking Adderall if it was all benefit. you wouldn't even be here if it was all up and no down, correct? Adderall improves it's OWN quality of life - not yours. you only enjoy that perceived quality of life when you're on it. what's the point if that QoL doesn't transfer over to the real you? this is the core existential crisis of the drug - eventually you feel like you're living someone else's life.

love this (: for the time being, maybe don't think of it as downsizing - more like taking a vacation from your life? see the problem is, you will not be able to see your life objectively until you have enough time off adderall - probably several months in your case. it's very likely the case that Adderall is making you feel like there's so much more going on than there is - that's just what speed does. once you're past the debilitating 60-90 day period, you will slowly start to see how everything you did on Adderall just wasn't that important or challenging. that's why so many things feel "uninteresting" when you come off Adderall - because THEY ARE uninteresting lol. no one likes doing chores or busy work! i won't sugar coat this for you though - tapering takes A LOT of discipline, and the fact that you're presumably snorting(?) to feel the effects is not a good sign. look carefully at your track record thus far - it may be time to try something different like coming clean with your doctor and cutting off your supply.

these two REALLY resonate with me - once we label ourselves as addicts, we sometimes think that recovery is just "waiting out" the addict, that eventually you just won't think about it and be cured. the real path to recovery is actually "getting bigger" than it - doing something that you didn't think you could do without it! you need to outperform the addict to beat it (:

^ totally this. well said! part of this new-normal for me was shelving some of my passions / hobbies and exploring some new ones. the problem was that i just couldn't enjoy those things because Adderall's effect on them was too still too fresh in my mind. it was a constant battle of trying something, comparing it to how i felt on Adderall, and being really disappointed. it was a vicious, reinforcing cycle of depression. one day i realized i was keeping myself in the circle by clinging on to the past. so i just let those things go for a while. it's okay to let them go in the short term so that they may come back to you when you're in a better state of mind (:

if you're speaking specifically about the euphoria "high", then no. have i achieved genuine interest and happiness in things again? absolutely (: anecdotally, i think people do report a "high" type feeling from things like fasting and keto diet.

hey @SeanW congrats on 3 years!! so glad to hear you're doing well, still playing music and just plain ole living lol. it's so true that we as addicts have a unique point of comparison, and often blame, compared to non-users. ups and downs are just a regular part of life - it feels like a new-normal for us but really it's just a normal normal. (:

by your own admission, you cannot rely on yourself to make the right choice - so cut off your source so the choice is made for you. it's a very simple but powerful step - it's also the type of decision that your addict brain can't easily argue its way around (though it will try). any amount of addict logic at that point amounts to "i don't want to cut off my source cause... i may want to use again". the other argument is "i may HAVE to use again" - ...or else what? your life collapses before your eyes? that's ALREADY happening! really, seriously ask yourself: in a hypothetical moment in the future when you think you'll HAVE to use again, what happens if you just don't? "to do life" is the addict way of thinking. do you just want to do life? or do you want to live life? (:

^ totally this - well said! i think the trap with supplements is two fold - 1) most of them are bogus to begin with, 2) it reinforces the idea that there must be some "replacement" for Adderall. to be fair, i did use Wellbutrin for a couple of years after - it happened to work very well for me, but i can understand how many people would be wary of moving over to another prescription medication. but DEFINITELY cut off your source. @DelaneyJuliette, perhaps the solution to ambivalence is getting rid of your supply and just cutting off the source? we all know that if push comes to shove you could go find another doctor and secure a supply somehow, but you need to at least throw up some hurdles so the addict side of your mind has some resistance. right now your will power isn't strong enough to out reason the addict - that's fine! everyone in recovery eventually has a big "ah ha!" moment of clarity, but you need to give yourself enough time to reach it. (:

@StAnne0822 really sorry to hear about this happening to you. we hear this type of story fairly often here - over-prescribing, underestimating and sometimes downright negligence. regarding the "ignoring all side effects" topic, to be fair, the side effects of amphetamine abuse look a WHOLE LOT like ADHD. i knew going into my first prescription i never had ADHD or needed Adderall, i just wanted it. fast forward 6 months - i was TEXTBOOK ADD. the drugs had made me a forgetful, jittery mess. to the average family physician, this may just look like reinforcement of their diagnosis. to a pdoc whose entire business is medication management, this is justification for continued prescription. maybe to a doctor specialized in substance abuse addiction, this is a warning sign, but why would you see him/her if you didn't already know you have a problem? putting aside all the perverse incentives built into our healthcare system, these doctors see you for maybe 15 minutes every few months. it's probably really challenging for them especially if the patient just seems happy and energetic. sorry didn't mean for this to become a defensive post, just sometimes it's helpful to look at it from their point of view.

thanks for sharing and being so honest! first of all, no one here is judging you. in fact, most of us have relapsed in a very similar fashion. most of us have tried several times to quit before finally succeeding. this is all part of the process, so don't beat yourself up over it. here's honestly what it comes down to: everyone has different circumstances in life - i certainly don't have 4 kids or run my own business. that must be really tough. if quitting would genuinely put my family's survival at risk, i'm not sure i would do it. only you can answer that question. is that really why you're using again? but on the other hand, no one would quit Adderall if it didn't eventually become "not so great", right? there is of course a period of time where the good seems to outweigh the bad, then eventually it flips. you admit yourself that you're already at that point again. fortunately though, you've already recognized that Adderall isn't a long term solution. that's probably the biggest hurdle of all! once you realize this, there may still be some relapse episodes, self-doubt, etc. but deep down you know eventually it has to stop. you're already on a one-way ride to recovery, it might slow down here and there, but rest assured that your commitment to this journey remains. (:

hi @Civilengr2020 welcome to the forums - it sounds like you're in the right mind set to start this journey! that sense of not knowing who you really are is an existential nightmare that we have all been through. i remember thinking, back at the peak of my addiction, that i had built this seemingly successful life for a person that didn't even exist anymore. would that person even care about the addict's achievements? something to remember early on is that those achievements may not feel "real", but they're still yours. you don't need to shut away all your accomplishments. it may not seem like it for the first year or so, but you will eventually learn to love your life again and not think of the last 15 years as a waste. gl and stay close to the forums (: