SleepyStupid

though your story is very saddening, it is awesome to hear that you have found peace in a higher purpose (: wish you the best of luck in college and monastery - keep us posted on your progress!

hi @Madd first of all, congratulations on 14 months! that's no easy feat, especially after a decade of use! that's a hard question to answer, but given your length of use, i'd say you're still in "active" recovery. it would be fair to say that "still recovering" will be the cause of general apathy and depression within the first 2 years or so. but that doesn't mean you won't have good days - it just means that you may have more bad days than good days for a while. brain chemistry aside, i also believe that one of the lingering effects of Adderall is that it makes us "expect" relief or happiness to just happen all of a sudden so that we can move on with our lives. in fact, it seems that the opposite is true - you need to force yourself to move on in order to earn happiness. (easier said than done - right, i know.) here's another way i've tried to think of it: constantly checking whether you "feel better" is self-defeating because feeling better could simply be a result of doing things to distract you from feeling shitty. eventually you distract yourself with enough things to forget about being in recovery, at which point you're recovered! (:

ask yourself - what benefit is that exactly? i know what it is for me - i like getting high. that's about it, and i suspect it is for you too. i'll be honest - i'm still "addicted" to immediate gratification (video games, binge eating, porn, etc.), but maybe i've always been. i still struggle greatly with goal planning and long term commitments.. but i'm functional, social (enough) and emotionally stable. those things alone are reason enough to stay off Adderall. not sure i have the answer to the discipline problem (i'm the worst) but i know Adderall isn't it.

yea, the double life thing can be a total mind fuck. at first you don't really notice (or care) about the divergence between your "outside" and "inside" life. then it gets to the point where you start lying to friends and loved ones about your inside life (no i DIDN'T just spend all weekend sleeping! no Mom, I'm not starving myself! ) eventually, your inside life spills out to the surface and you can no longer hide it, but you sure as hell try to deny it.

i'm sorry to hear this, it sounds like a miserable job experience! coming back to my earlier point about distorted perception, is it possible that you enforced these behaviors on yourself, even though it was never actually expected of you? there's no way an employer should be able to restrict bathroom breaks or encourage people not to take lunch breaks! distorted expectations - a very common theme with Adderall abuse.

yup. totally this. most other hard drugs are associated with checking-out of life. Adderall is the completely opposite - you start taking it to check-in to life more than you ever have. we're not just addicted to the drug, we're addicted to the idea that there's a pill that can help us achieve our dreams of success.

the alarming thing about this is that healthcare providers are notoriously overworked and often sleep deprived - not very comforting when their jobs directly affect the well being of others!!! it's a broken system for sure. this is certainly one of the scariest hurdles to overcome. it can feel like there's no way to ever match those Adderall levels of productivity - but something to keep in mind is that Adderall speeds up your perception of everything, but especially time. the day seems to pass so quickly while on speed, it feels like you never have time to get everything done. once you quit and hit the brakes hard, you'll notice how slow time feels. granted in early recovery you won't feel like actually doing anything with that time, but eventually you will regain productivity and realize there's more than enough time in the day to get shit done (:

i think it goes without saying that it's never too late, but 27 is the new 21! i didn't meet my current gf till 30 or so - granted i had been in serious relationships before this one, but when you get around this age, things move a bit faster and smoother (perhaps its maturity, expectations or a mixture of both). you sound like a thoughtful, intelligent person so when you're ready to start dating i'm sure you won't have a problem! i too live far enough away from my close friends that i really don't have any friends around here, but i suspect even they lived nearby, they'd be occupied with their wives / family. that's just how it goes at some point. frankly, if i'm not spending time with my gf, i'm thankful to have time to catch up on an ever growing backlog of videogames (:

its unfortunate to admit, but fear for my life was the thing that really got me to quit. sounds like you're in the same place now, so i agree - this attempt will surely be the one that sticks (:

are you by any chance hiding this recovery from your family? if so, they will certainly receive your anger without any compassion. i'm not saying it's an excuse to be an asshole, but some level of understanding from their end can mean the difference between an uncomfortable meeting and never speaking again. for what it's worth, i think this anger is simply a reflection of the hate you feel towards yourself. i know that sounds kind of obvious, but what you do with that information is what matters. unfortunately, don't have any specific wisdom to share here, but i'm sure a therapist would have you confront that internal struggle in a way that helps you contain it. most importantly - no matter how much it sucks, going back to dex is NOT the answer.

i wish i could use cannabis like this, but those vape pens just make smoking every night so easy. i also wish i was one of those people that gets inspired or energetic from it, but frankly it just numbs me. if i'm in a particularly bad state of mind, it can depress the fuck out of me.

@Frank B is it just work that you're unenthusiastic about? or is it more about life in general? i've been struggling with something similar recently, where i'm doing the things "normal" people do, but it doesn't seem to make me happy the way i perceive others to be. it's like i have to try harder to enjoy basic shit like hanging out with friends, family, and of course also work. i'm fairly convinced that finding a new job and changing my environment will help, but i have this fear that i'll move somewhere else and it doesn't help. i have a pretty cushy, secure job with tons of seniority, but the only time i've ever felt enthusiastic about this place was when i was on Adderall. this job has been tainted by Adderall and i will never have the same energy towards it ever again. @oswhid your point is understood. in fact, the entire notion of "life is hard for everyone" is what convinces me everyday that my problems are no longer Adderall related. that being said, the flip side is that we as addicts/users can never un-know the feeling of enjoying productivity for the sake of productivity. we are in a constant battle trying to replicate a feeling that as you say is "unrealistic", and yet we've experienced it, albeit chemically.

totally this. well said, and thanks for sharing your story! you did the right thing for your kid by quitting - you're going to be an awesome mom (:

@SeanW dude don't sweat it. not even lying, i'd have tried it too, simply out of curiosity. thanks for confirming our suspicions on this - it's a weird feeling of relief that our addictions are definitely as serious as meth addiction.

yea.. when i relapsed last year (Adderall), it was an entire month of lying, hiding, hoping people didn't notice, more lying, throw in an emotional breakdown for good measure. it was not different that time. major props for handling 3 addictions like a boss. alcohol and cigarettes are TOUGH, cause they're in your face everywhere you go. i suppose i'm proud of quitting cigarettes (its been about a year), but honestly i have the Wellbutrin to thank for that, so i don't really give myself any credit lol. stay strong friend! (:

totally this! struggling with depression for much of my life, i've realized the power of simply "choosing" to be happy (doesn't work all the time though). sometimes we wait for things to change so we can "be" happy, but happiness is as much a choice as it is a state of being. stay positive!!! this is awesome! i write a little myself, i'd love to read some of your work if you feel comfortable sharing (: normally i would say to avoid all types of stimulant-ish medication, because Strattera can still cause dependence.. but i think given your confounding mental illness and tendencies, your safety is probably more important at this stage. if it keeps you off of Adderall, then work with your doctor to make sure the dosage is right. i've been taking Wellbutrin for about 4 years, and it helped greatly, especially early on in Adderall recovery. it too is non-recreational, well tolerated, very few side-effects, etc.

hi @Clavicula Adderall addiction is hard enough, but it sounds like you've had a rough time with a lot of things - i'm sorry to hear about your challenges with mental illness. it sounds like moving in with your Dad should have a positive effect in the near future - so take advantage of the support system and get yourself off speed!!! be very careful with that stuff. i'm quite familiar with it, and while the high may be similar to amphetamine, it is a much dirtier chemical and puts more strain on your systems. while i'm not sure that Walgreens will take your letter to heart (as they've selling it for decades) you should write it anyway! as a way to formalize your understanding of and commitment to how dangerous it is (:

so how would returning to Adderall solve anything? you already know what the result is! your urge to use is COMPLETELY irrational by your own admission - don't let the drug do the talking and deciding for you! i think most of us can relate - i was always the drug "sage" of my circles, always able to handle my shit, never got addicted to anything .... until Adderall. that shit changes you. those parts of yourself that you feel disconnected from will come back with time. i'll admit, there are some things that i simply don't enjoy anymore that i used to love on Adderall. i'm willing to accept that speed may have poisoned those things for me, but maybe i've just outgrown them as well. maybe its a combination of both? ... but i'm okay with that so long as Adderall doesn't poison me. i can still enjoy new things and experiences that Adderall has never touched. i recall that your usage was very closely entwined with sexual activity - that's certainly a tricky one, but i definitely relate. i had a serious masturbation problem on Adderall, i thought my sex life would be ruined for the rest of my life. i'm happy to report it's quite healthy now! just give it some time and patience. (:

do you know what your triggers are? the subtle vs obvious ones? maybe something has happened recently that's thrown off your subconscious? go back and READ YOUR OLD POSTS! "I want my mind back. This is taking my inner spirit out. My inner fire. I feel like a zombie, occasionally animated. I need to stop." and remember... it will won't be different this time. it will never be different.

congrats on a month! doing "okay" at school is actually phenomenal for where you're at! muscle aches are the worst - but TBH nothing compared to the muscle aches from being ON adderall. i remember there were some days i'd wake up and feel like i got hit by a truck. it was scary stuff. keep on keeping on (:

amen.

"you need to define what dysfunction means to you". ^ totally this. i also agree with the cocaine thing - ain't got shit on Adderall, though i'm a little surprised about his comparison with meth. haven't tried it myself, but i have to imagine the rush is a lot stronger, though with adderall it would be longer duration less intense.

hi Neil, it's great to hear back from you! first of all, major props on 3 months. that's huge!! and even MORE props for flushing those remaining pills!!! "opening up the flood gates" is precisely what happens during a relapse. even with a single pill, it opens up reward pathways that have been closed up from abstaining. it's like reminding your body how easy it can be to receive pleasure. if i understand correctly, you've only taken 1 pill though? don't sweat it - this will not erase your 3 months of effort. you'll feel some discomfort, and it will be on your mind for a couple of weeks, but overall negligible. it sounds like your bigger problem is the parents / doctor thing. so you lied to your parents about stopping Adderall? one would think they'd be on-board with this, but it wouldn't be hard to educate them on the dangers of stimulant medication in general. obviously the best outcome here is getting them on-board with your decision, but at the least, you don't have to lie to your doctor. assuming your not a minor (cause you're in college?), your doctor cannot discuss your care or treatment plan with your parents without your consent. tell your doctor you're done with stimulants. even better - admit to your addictive personality so he/she never prescribes it again. cut the supply off. you can continue to see your doctor, and if your parents ask about the medication, you can tell them your doctor decided to take you off it. this is your life - not your parents. this is the right decision and you know it. gl and keep us posted (:

hi @Ame, you're not alone - there are many forum members here that are going through the exact same thing. his behavior is almost text book based on the stories shared here, though it seems that he's not too far gone for you to save your marriage! Adderall can definitely morph your personality. depending on what's going on in a person's life at that point, it can feel like the miracle they have waited for all their life, to open doors to success, confidence, happiness, etc. some of the things Adderall does that could explain your husband's behavior: - it chemically fulfills the emotional needs and validation you would generally get from a partner or spouse (i.e, the user feels validated, secure, confident, etc. without the need for interaction) - it lowers the threshold for decision making - decisions are made impulsively, and because of the point above, every decision made feels right (no matter the consequences) - it can certainly improve your performance at work (at least for a time), which can lead to dependency (i.e, i'll lose my career if i stop) i'm glad to hear that he's weaning off! the wavering and confusion you're seeing now is a good sign. when you come off Adderall, there is certainly a period of depression and confusion as you start questioning your past behavior on it. i would encourage him to visit the forum here and read some of these stories!

hi Onedayatatime, unfortunately, tapering is one of those things that requires a lot of trial and error. there is no formula for success, it has more to do with your personal goals for this process. is your goal to ride out your recovery with the bare minimum side-effects? then yes - based on your historic usage (60mg ~10 years) you're tapering too fast. it can take years to taper down, and its an entirely subjective experience. but is that really what you want? to be on Adderall for another 2 years? if your goal is to quit as soon as possible but need to at least remain functional, your current taper schedule seems reasonable. if you were still functional after halving your dose to 30mg, then that's fantastic progress! another thing to consider is that you're currently on instant release. if 20mg IR is where you lose functionality, maybe consider switching to 30mg extended release? or even an equivalent dose of Vyvanse? i understand your doctor may not have the experience to taper you properly, but you should really discuss this with him/her and try a move over to XR formulation for a couple of months. gl and keep us posted! (: