SleepyStupid

yes totally agree! unfortunately, i'm the kind of person that operates better when i have some external accountability, so in this case i'm very glad it was there. regarding "free will"- you absolutely have it. isn't choosing to do something, even though you know you shouldn't, an exercising of free will? you are choosing to continue using. you're right in that choices are made at the micro level, but negative patterns of behavior develop from a lack of discipline. i'm not saying that it's easy to be disciplined.. simply that disbelieving free will is a defeatist position.

nope- but it sounds interesting! i'm always really skeptical of these kinds of things. they either don't work at all, or if they do work, there's some additional unpleasantness as you described. where did you get it?

@Danquit i totally relate to the obsessiveness with my home studio and recordings. it's the kind of thing that you end up getting absolutely lost down the rabbit hole with. poured tons of money into gear, downloaded and hoarded every piece of software i could find- at some point i was doing more "studio" work than actual songwriting lol. the worst was when i started having auditory hallucinations while mixing. i would spent HOURS trying to figure out why there was some random sound off in the far corner of the mix, trying to isolate it and move it around. i'd get obsessed with it, still hear it while lying in bed which drove me even more nuts..

this sucks, but i get it. i relapsed last year for slightly different reasons, but let me tell you something you already know: there is no controlled usage for you. eventually, you're going to start abusing again. probably sooner rather than later because you're in a dark place currently. your tolerance is going to come back very quickly, and all it takes is one binge to start that path to bottoming out. why was the solution to this amphetamine? wouldn't that just make the delusions / psychosis worse? i definitely know how this feels- we base so much of our lives on external validation. it does matter what our friends and family think of us, but at what cost? you may seem happier now, but how long is that going to last till you're back to nocturnal isolation? i wish i had better advice on the school and job stuff.. the only thing i can offer is that if your credits are still valid, FINISH THAT DEGREE, even if it means transferring to another school. i dropped out of my master's program, had the opportunity to finish it for almost 2 years after that, but i was too busy getting high. i'm paying back 60k worth of loans for a degree that i don't even technically have. it's the one thing that still haunts me to this day.

IMO that's way too much, at least in the beginning. no wonder it's giving you anxiety. 300 is a dose you typically work your way up to, and very few people take more than that (in fact it's a seizure risk to do so). i'm currently at 200mg XR, which seems to be the sweet spot, but i'm taking it specifically for depression.

how much Wellbutrin are you taking? it can definitely cause anxiety, more so than other anti-depressants, but usually not at low dosages. and if you're combining it with caffeine, it can be intense for some people.

honestly? 1. (still at work) get excited about something to do when i finally get back home 2. pop a few pills on the drive home. psyched to do that thing! 3. way too horny now. should probably jerk off first and get it out of the way. 4. download porn for 4 hours 5. organize, catalog and tag said porn on computer 6. research and download better tools for said organization 7. forget to jerk off 8. fuck- only 30 minutes till i have to leave for work 9. jerk off furiously, unable to finish cause- well you know. 10. never did that first thing, but its okay- i'll have plenty of time tonight! lol.

lol, what's more likely: you have an extremely rare form of dementia with an onset 40 years too soon... or you're going through PAWS and have the exact same struggles that we've all had? stay at it. as @Danquit said, 4 months is very early. its great that you're already having some good days- cherish them and it will help you ride out the bad days. then at some point, you will start having more good days than bad. that's all there is to it. (:

anxious (big presentation soon!)

its unfortunate but we live in a society where work is prioritized over health, so it's no surprise that you're feeling pressure and temptation to perform. these are very real concerns, so i won't take that away from you, but here is another very real fact: there will never be a better or perfect time to quit. not to diminish your struggle, but you've only been using for about a year and at a relatively low dosage. NOW IS THE TIME TO QUIT FOR GOOD. think it's bad now? imagine trying to quit after adding another few years and tripling your dosage. you're concerned about your career, which is totally understandable, but going back to adderall is a sure fire way to destroy it. speeding your way through life is simply not sustainable, so either you quit now or quit later when it will be much harder and you'll have much more to lose. that being said- this is a really inopportune time to be starting a new job, but what's done is done. you need to accept that you may not be able to hit the ground running. you need a plan for managing your behavior and work load for the first month or so. i think things will improve dramatically for you in the next month or two, so hang in there, and just remember that your life is more important than impressing your new boss (:

i dont think i'm concerned enough to see a neurologist (granted i'm already +2 years out), but it would be interesting to maybe objectively rate my memory. maybe there are some standard tests available online? and some benchmark values? i feel like i have very strong long-term memory, but it's hard to say with short-term because i'm in a work environment that demands unreasonable multi-tasking, which has been proven to decimate your short-term memory.

read back through your old posts. they will remind you of all the things you hated about being on adderall. they will also remind you of how much progress you've made in 8 months. surely there are things you can do now that you were unable to in the first few months. i think we can all relate to the feeling of being unaccomplished and struggling with ambition, but you're quite young (23?) with family support and minimal responsibility. if not now then when? there will be plenty of time to follow your dreams, so give yourself a break for a while longer (:

don't think of it as being the same. you will never be the same as you were on Adderall. you will be different and much better, it just takes time (:

i think he meant while you're still using- you're fucked chasing a high that will never come back, but you just don't believe it.

there's no reason to think of this as a total reset, "back to the beginning". all the effort you've put in for the last 3 months hasn't been erased- you still got through all those days sober, and you are that much stronger of a person. it's hard to say avoid all other drugs and alcohol, but you know that those other drugs can lower your inhibitions and result in.. well exactly what happened. you got a little drunk and made a bad decision. it happens all the time to everyone, but for us, there is a lot more at stake from risky behavior.

trying (hard)

why do you say there's no point? you just spent all this time relating a beautiful story of meeting a girl and making out in the rain- isn't this the point? this story hits so close to home for me. i too met a girl and she was the reason i finally quit for real. she was also the reason i was successful. being in love (especially the first few months) has a magical kind of energy that you can't get from anything else. it keeps your life exciting and fulfilling even if everything else seems like torture. here's what you need to do: first you need to stop using. then you need to call her up and save that relationship. just tell her that you took an Adderall that day and you realize what a jerk it made you seem like. she doesn't need to know about the full history just yet, but if things were going as well as you say they are, she will probably understand.

the simple answer is that opioid overdoses lead to death much more frequently than meth (and Adderall by association). that is main concern with the opioid epidemic. i haven't seen all episodes of Intervention, but i do remember a very relatable episode about a guy on meth.

honestly, there isn't a magic bullet or supplement cocktail that is going make a substantial enough difference to be worth the trouble. i too am on Wellbutrin and it definitely helps, but you'd need to talk to your doctor for this. that being said, i do recommend it as it has done wonders for me personally. YMMV

i think the thing that's paralyzing you is trying to come up with a strategy to fix "everything". that's just not how it works. you can't fix everything at once, and even dwelling on the amount of everything can be very discouraging. obviously the most important thing in the beginning is simply being able to live sober, but i'd say the next thing is just believing that everything can and will be fixed. you don't need to know the "how" just yet. as time passes, you will naturally regain a lot of your confidence and faculties and the path forward will become more and more clear. belief is a powerful thing. it will keep you committed and positive when you need it the most- which is right now. if you can just get past the right-now part, i assure you the fixing part will seem a lot less intimidating (:

it's even more embarrassing when people ask "are you okay?", cause you look like you haven't slept in days (you haven't). it's even more embarrassing when you're hands shake uncontrollably, your jaw is locked and you're grinding your teeth like a maniac. it's even more embarrassing when you start neglecting hygiene. you're right- it's definitely embarrassing to have people notice and point out your lower energy. but...there are plenty of much more embarrassing things about being on speed, many of which you don't realize and people don't mention out of courtesy. "normal" isn't so much a feeling as it is a state of being. we only think of "normal" as a feeling because speed has a very distinct feeling (excessively powerful, amped up, motivated, etc.). being normal doesn't mean you can't have those feelings, it just means that they come naturally from you, not a drug. being normal means living your life and not having to wait for that feeling of speed to kick in. being normal means putting effort before reward. these things will come back. and when they do? frankly, you'll be a much different person than you are and were before. a better person. i don't think you actually want to give up. i believe you know how talented and successful you can be, but you think that you've ruined that opportunity and permanently damaged yourself (which is not true). this is a quote from someone's forum signature (back when we still had them!), unfortunately i don't know whose it was, but it really resonated with me: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

totally been there. my job sometimes involves doing hour long sales presentations. when i first quit, i dreaded these, because even though i had the sales script memorized and internalized, i would flub words, literally just blank out in the middle of a sentence, sure some slurring too i'm sure. the best way i can describe it is the words would "tumble" out of my mouth. it was terrifying not knowing when or how it would happen. that being said, i think you can rule out the stroke thing. it turns out that this is a fairly common experience in early recovery. it's just that some people experience it more regularly because their work or something forces them into these situations. i can totally understand the desire to quit your program. honestly, that kind of public exposure every day might not be healthy for you right now. at best, you're fumbling your way through, but not gaining anything out of the experience. at worst it will put so much pressure on you that you'll go back to using. is there any way to take a medical leave of absence? talk to your professor or school. they will be more accommodating than you think. you just need some time right now to heal. i wouldn't worry about your talent. in a year or two you will be on the other side of this entire thing, and frankly have way more life experience to draw from and empathize with. this pain will pass, and will make you a better actor than ever before (:

you're not being paranoid in the sense that what you're feeling right now is definitely real. it's not exactly brain damage, but over the course of 10 years, you've changed your brain chemistry quite radically. it will take some time to feel normal again. you said it yourself, it took 3 months just to have your first good day. your personality and emotions will probably balance themselves out fairly quickly. you may still feel depressed, but it will feel like "your own" emotion, and you will be able to manage it. it does go away, but it takes effort. not gonna sugar coat this.. this is the biggest challenge, especially given your profession. i'd imagine that you do a lot of improv in your line of work- it is going to be very difficult. but you need to force yourself through this. you need to re-train your brain and the only way to do it is practice. maybe there's a local theater group you can join? take some classes again? meetup.com is fantastic for this kind of stuff.

i had a similar mentality for some time- if i don't win, then what's the point? here's what someone told me, and it's had the most profound impact on my life: "Take care and be kind to yourself. You don't have to "win" anything, it is okay just to live " all you need is time, cause if you just keep living, you'll keep having opportunities to win (: so glad to hear that you're past the first hill in this journey! keep it up, and keep us posted!

totally this! for everyone in the early stages of recovery: you may not feel like you're making obvious enough progress from day to day, but when you get to a major milestone like a year, looking back is the greatest feeling in the world.. to see how far you've come. awesome work Sean- you're crushing it, and will continue to do so this next year (: