SleepyStupid

i'm a huge fan of Jack's Mannequin, and i just wanted to share the lyrics to this song that sound SO MUCH like they're about speed! i was totally convinced it was, but i believe actually the song is about the difficulties of marriage.. parallels? (: She's a black cat hanging 'round my doorstep I'll need all day tomorrow to recover from today I was boxing with my shadow at a stoplight When the clocks changed, yeah It was midnight I was mixed up When she called to drag the lake I think I'm running short on inspiration She's running long on borrowed time We break with speed That girl can read my racing thoughts She asks the questions, I take the floor, she takes her shots Taught her a lesson about a forced confession We break with speed That girl can read my racing thoughts My racing thoughts My racing thoughts So I'll try to keep her steady now But steady's not her strong suit I was raised going to church But couldn't practice what they preached And so I'm hiring a DJ for the Eve of our destruction, yeah It was midnight I was mixed up when She found me on the beach I think I'm running low on inspiration She's running long on borrowed time We break with speed That girl can read my racing thoughts She asks the questions I take the floor, she takes her shots Taught her a lesson about a forced confession We break with speed That girl can read my racing thoughts My racing thoughts My racing thoughts I think I'm running short on inspiration, She's running long on borrowed time We break with speed, That girl can read my racing thoughts She asks the questions I take the floor, she takes her shots Taught her a lesson about a forced confession We break with speed That girl can read my racing thoughts My racing thoughts My racing thoughts My racing thoughts My racing thoughts My racing thoughts (She can read my, she can read my, She can read my racing thoughts) Whoa, oh (She can read my, she can read my, She can read my racing thoughts) Whoa, oh (She can read my, she can read my, She can read my racing thoughts)

as hyper_critical said, it is not a straight line. for the next year or so, you will go through cycles- you may have a great week, then the next week feels like shit. it's called PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome), and it is known to be intermittent and can last for a while depending on your level of abuse. i think the key to riding these waves is to make the most of the good days, try to be a little productive / social, get to something on a to-do list. getting things done, even if it's just cleaning up your apartment, is in and of itself is rewarding. it's those rewarding feelings that you need to really remember and hang on to on the bad days- how good it felt to get something done or have a positive social interaction without Adderall. recovery is a constant process of reminding yourself that you can be normal again. i think most people have a problem with this to varying degrees- but i get it. it's a result of being too self-aware, constantly examining and questioning your mental states. that's not a bad thing necessarily- in fact it's a prerequisite for being a good writer, artist, musician etc. i think maybe you're trying too hard to "overcome" these feelings, and especially for the first few months, you are not going to be very successful at it. you're fighting an uphill battle against brain chemistry, and the last thing you need right now is to get yourself into a cycle of trying too hard and feeling depressed about the results. but remember, it's not your fault, your brain is still readjusting. six weeks is still very early- i promise that you will look back at this post in a few months and think "what a drama queen!" , we've all been through it (:

i'd be careful with this. while it is not an amphetamine, and it's effects on the brain are probably different, it can be easy to fall into a "rebound" addiction to "getting a ton done". the industry may claim it has less abuse potential, but that's for normal people. as recovering addicts, we have a much higher risk of becoming dependent on performance enhancers. modafinil is new enough that you won't find too many studies or long term experiences to evaluate it's safety. but i'm sure this is the case for any new drug..

totally went through this. it was kind of terrifying (see post below). it didn't feel like just social anxiety, it felt more like my brain struggling to retrieve words that i used to use effortlessly. like @Tom23Jones said, its not necessarily big words- it was often really simple stuff, which is what made it more scary. i'm glad to report that it's not a permanent effect, but it directly increased social anxiety for me, never knowing when i'd just blank out in the middle of a sentence.

i think this is a really great observation, and it also makes sense why these types of thoughts and questions start to surface after some time. in the first year or so of recovery, you're mainly focused on beating PAWS, and everything in your life is viewed through the lens of recovery: "i don't enjoy my hobbies, because i'm still recovering", "i've gained so much weight, but i'm still recovering", etc. but once you get to around 2 years, it's different- you've been through enough recovery. you start to wonder "is this just what normal is now?" , "is this how i'm going to feel for the rest of my life?". i've definitely gotten to this point, and it's weird to accept that lots of people (who have never even touched a stimulant) have problems, and lose interest, and struggle with health. it's just kind of the human experience. and then you realize this. very well said (:

accomplished.

lol absolutely did the same thing. i have tape recordings of myself conducting an interview WITH MYSELF, using different voices, so I could listen back to it and hear what it would sound like to be a wildly popular musician i've listened back to those recordings, and it's brutal, cringy but hilarious. truer words were never said. i have TONS of notes, and ideas and half started projects littered around my hard drive from those days, but back then it felt great to just think and plan, rather than actually do. don't have the heart to delete it all, so instead i archived it. to be honest, many of them were actually pretty good ideas.. but when you're on adderall, there is no concept of "spreading yourself too thin". in the real world, there are only so many fucks to be given about things in life (: awesome to hear about your physical therapy board exams!! i was actually in school for Exercise Science with the intention of becoming a PT, but then i changed courses to finance and IT, so now now i'm developing physical therapy EMR software. it's a great industry, but regulated to hell (medicare doesn't make anything easy for us) lol

unwavering.

grateful.

absolutely this. i have no desire anymore to be a professional songwriter, but my goal now is simply to get back to a point where i enjoy doing it just for me. it' a surprisingly tough goal, because adderall changes how you perceive and approach your passions and hobbies. towards the end, it was more about proving to the world my ability, it stopped being fun. i have to imagine that being pro-athlete level means your level of fitness and discipline is MORE than enough to shed a few pounds if you want, even if you're not actively playing. you of all people definitely don't need adderall for that! this might sound a little blunt (and kind of the opposite of the deep reason i suggested before) but it is more or less true: the main reason we keep coming back to the pill is simply because we miss getting high. everything else is a twisted rationalization to do it. when you shed all that rationalization, and accept it for what it is, you kind of demonize it internally. i think it's easier to say "i will not be a fucking drug addict anymore" vs. "i'll try to be successful without adderall". these are technically the same statement, but in my mind, one is much more powerful than the other (:

very interesting article! thanks for sharing. i agree mostly with his conclusions. all of the direct side-effects and long term risks of adderall use at a therapeutic dosage are probably minimal. of course, abuse can change all of that (which i define as beyond prescribed dosage). his discussion on potential for addiction was pretty lacking, but to be fair, he did say that the data was poor there. i think it's important to tease apart addiction and dependence. it's true that adderall might not produce a physical dependence like heroin or alcohol would- it's relatively safe to quit cold turkey, unlike the latter. that makes it tempting to say that adderall is "less addictive", but i think we'd all agree that there is a psychological dependence that rivals any other drug. as i've said in other posts, i think adderall is unique in that most people don't take it to get high, they take it to be productive. at some point, you become dependent on it to "succeed", then to just "perform". you might have abused your way into a program or job that demands more and more energy (Vice President of Staring at Giant Spreadsheets!).. rather than risk dropping out or being laid off, we dig ourselves deeper into dependence. so yea- there's ABSOLUTELY a lot of risk for dependency. and as for addiction, it's just a stepping stone away. the thing that turns it into addiction, in my opinion, is the compulsion to use / acquire the drug despite obvious consequences and harmful behavior. you prioritize the drug in your life, so much so that the rest of your life falls apart as a result..

hi Jared, thanks for finally sharing your story- it's really quite cathartic laying it all out there. if you've been following the forum for a while, you'll know that the "fall from grace" theme is quite common, and im very sorry to hear about your injuries. i too was presented with an opportunity to make my dreams come true in the music industry, but it was at the height of my abuse and i was too fucked up to follow through with it. the irony was that i had allowed myself to get addicted, knowing full well the risks, for the purpose of pursuing these ambitions.. and it ended up being the thing that shattered them. i think one of the biggest hurdles to quitting for good is the acceptance that things will not be different with the next script. once you've crossed the line into abuse (and binge use especially), there is no going back. i relapsed for a couple of months recently after over 2 years off, and no surprise went RIGHT BACK to the same pattern of use. it will never be the same as it was before. you said yourself, when you're off adderall : "I am social, I do not experience the depression, I can work out daily, and the anxiety is not there". that's like 80% of the battle right there!!! i think that remaining piece is "what is missing in your life that you think adderall will provide?". its a deep question, and goes to the root of how we define happiness in our lives. not an easy one to answer for sure. clearly, you are not happy right now.. but maybe ridding yourself of this addiction for good is in and of itself the thing that will make you happy? (:

hi Groundhogdaze, first, i love your username! don't know if this was the inspiration for it it, but living an addiction definitely feels like reliving the same day over and over. it's miserable, and it seems like no matter what you try, it ends up the same. however... most of us on this board are living proof that this is not true. anyway, welcome back to the forum! looks like you posted here about a year ago.. glad to see that you are still actively trying to quit. has anything changed since last year? from that last year post, it sounded like you weren't even sure whether you wanted to quit or not. also curious whether you have completely stopped the benzos and anti-d? i'm assuming the benzos were the reason for the rehab stint, but from what i understand, that is a TOUGH one and you made it out the other side! it sounds like at your level of abuse, there will never be a safe way to use adderall. the decision is made for you. you've experienced the physical effects.. if it's doing visible damage on the outside, just imagine what is happening on the inside. therefore, the two most important things now are: *have you cut off all sources? - this includes your doctor, friends, etc. *do you have a base of support? - can you take the time you need to make it through at least the first few months without worrying about work, supporting yourself, etc.

its very interesting that you use the word "relationship" here- i like that choice in the context of alcohol, because alcohol is embedded into the fabric of our culture and society in a way most other drugs are not. going dry or getting sober must be so much more challenging, simply because you cannot avoid its presence. i'm struggling a bit with my diet, but still committed! i AM very happy to report though that an unintended but very much welcome resolution is QUITTING SMOKING. i've been a smoker for a little over 10 years (and a chain smoker while on adderall), but as of today I haven't had a cigarette in a month!!! to be fair.. i've had a little help from Wellbutrin, which is actually prescribed off-label for smoking cessation.. but i'll take whatever help i can get (:

readjusting..

My resolution this year is to get back to a reasonable weight! Day 1 of ketogenic diet starts today. i've made it about a month on keto before, and lost a good amount of weight, but i've never coupled it with regular exercise. that's the 2nd prong of my resolution: REGULAR EXERCISE. fitter. happier. more productive. (:

one lesson i learned within my first year was trying too hard to enjoy things actually reinforced my depression. i would just keep thinking "i used to LOVE doing this, why can't i enjoy it at all anymore?". i was miserable from trying and failing to enjoy my hobbies. but here's the thing- that response makes sense, because normally when we pick up hobbies or something, it's not an effort to start liking it.. you become interested in things and THEN spend more time to become better at it. i found it was best for my mental health to just let those things go for a while. for the time being maybe just do what you feel like doing, not what you WANT to feel like doing. if that means nothing, then so be it.. fire up Netflix and be a blob! this is bad enough for activities or hobbies you've had all your life, but this effect is amplified for things that you started liking while on adderall. those things that you geeked out over couldn't matter less to you after you quit. it's great that working out and building a successful career are things you enjoyed- the truth is, these things are difficult for everyone, not just those of us in recovery... so don't be discouraged! (:

strangely, people have polarizing experiences regarding libido while taking adderall: some lose interest in sex altogether, some are insatiable as you mentioned. while i cannot comment on the female perspective, what i can say is that decreased libido is generally not reported as a long-term side effect. especially in the first few months of recovery, you may feel a general decreased interest in everything , so i don't think it's specifically targeting your libido. all those other factors you list are absolutely playing a role- give it a few more months, and don't stress too much about how you feel now vs. how you felt before ever taking adderall. be kind to yourself, and all those things will come back in time (:

lollygagging!

this is really encouraging. i was going to the gym consistently for probably 5 months or so when it was 2 minutes away from my house. then i moved about 15 minutes away.. and that was the end of that lol. (but of course they don't let you out of your membership contract!). but the new year is around the corner! (: i know exactly what you mean. you're just sitting there, popping pills like candy, knowing full well every one of them is annihilating your health- you just wonder if your family or loved ones knew HOW MUCH damage you were doing to yourself.. what would they do? what would they say? this was the fear that eventually led me to quitting- fearing for my life.

persevering.

i think the thing that is unique about adderall as an abusable substance is that most people are not taking this drug to "get high". it starts out as either a "necessary" medication for the treatment of a condition OR is abused as a tool for performance enhancement. in that sense, there's a different kind of taboo and a different class of addict than what we're used to associating with a drug addiction. what are the signs of abuse for heroin? alcohol? generally a deterioration of your life. signs of abuse for adderall? getting promotions and losing weight lol. in my opinion, these types of people are far less likely to identify as addicts, or too ashamed to admit when they have a fall from grace. i think this is what makes our addictions such a lonely place to be ):

this is fantastic news! congratulations (: ^^^ this X 100. unfortunately my abuse truly began towards the end of my masters program, which forced me to withdraw from my program with maybe a few months remaining. i had intentions of getting clean and picking up where i left off, but my addiction just got worse after leaving the program, and i procrastinated past the point of being able to actually complete the degree. adderall is not the tool that you think it is. stop while you can.

engaged

i've tried piracetam back in the day, and i don't remember it being very helpful. this new phenylpiracetam sounds like it's much more potent- did you have any positive experiences with it? obviously nothing is going to be stimulating in the same way as adderall, but that's probably the last thing any of us here want (: