SleepyStupid

unproductive (but its Friday!)

@Nicole88 nope, but we do integrate with Epic (: we're in the outpatient rehab market actually. it's bad enough struggling to be motivated, but it's often times really discouraging being around my boss (owner of the company). he has this natural amount of energy and drive that's just unbelievable to me- it's like in the cosmic dice roll, he got the winning brain chemistry. i have a pretty good relationship with him, but sometimes it's really discouraging to just hear him go on and on about how much he accomplishes. he simply enjoys being productive. MUST BE NICE.

present!

aside from toughing it out, which is undeniably tough, i can personally say that a low to moderate dose of wellbutrin definitely helped and helps me to this day. it's an atypical antidepressant, so it's quite different than the others which have wildly fluctuating effects on people. it's an SNRI which means it acts primarily on norepinephrine and secondarily on dopamine, (but not in the way adderall does). some people are quite averse to hopping onto another pill (understandably so), but what i can say about wellbutrin is that there are very few side-effects and it is easy to start and stop at low doses. if it means the difference between misery and function, it may be worth discussing with your doc. (:

optimistic

whoa- i have the exact same background and made a very similar change to IT. my background is healthcare administration, but now I am working as a Product Manager for an EMR company.unfortunately the autonomy and seniority i have here is a bit too much.. some days i struggle to advance on projects because there are never any hard deadlines to meet.. but i am super thankful to have a good steady job- it was honestly the only thing that kept me sane through recovery, not having to worry about money and my career going to shit. congrats on the promotion! it's awesome to be appreciated for strong work that was ALL YOU, not some pill. (:

i don't know if this is weird or not, but somehow i've managed to avoid all major social media: facebook, twitter, snapchat, instagram, etc. , but honestly it's not because of some admirable discipline or anything.. it's more about not wanting to be constantly bombarded with people advertising the best version of themselves and comparing my depressing life to everything constantly. yea, this is the really difficult part of recovery- you feel fine physically and mentally for the most part, but things you used to enjoy just don't seem as fun, so it's kind of hard to occupy yourself and have it not feel like an effort. i'm not sure i have a good answer to this- in fact this is partly what kind of led to my relapse recently. FWIW, i started on an anti-depressant (wellbutrin), and i feel a bit more positive about things... but also it feels a little bit like now i'm just not as depressed about being bored (: sorry if that wasn't helpful, just wanted to share that i understand where you're coming from lol

wow, its fucking terrifying that the people that are supposed to be making decisions for your well being are influenced so easily. i had a similar experience with a past pdoc. i had moved from another city where i was being prescribed ~60mg a day, and found this guy in my new town. he was the only pdoc nearby that was in network for my new insurance. upon seeing him, he flipped out on how much i was being prescribed, refused to prescribe it and instead put me on two new (at that time) medications: Vyvanse and Pristiq, no doubt because it was in his best interest. now in retrospect, he was probably right to flip out on the adderall given that i was abusing it anyway, but im convinced that his decision on the change in medication did not have my best interest in mind.

i'm not too far from the philly area (central jersey), though i'm not sure of my availability through the holidays. but hit me up on pm either way if you need to talk (:

unremarkable.

@Nicole88 glad that you were able to overcome the temptation. i was not- relapsed two scripts in a row around month 24. but i did start taking Wellbutrin again, and i think that's been helping. i too shall try out this Lithium Orotate- should probably check for interactions with the Wellbutrin though..

it is more than okay to share this aspect, because id wager it's a pretty big thing for some of us. this obsession with sex and everything related led me down a very dark path. towards the end, this was basically the 90% reason i was getting high all the time. everything became about instant gratification, and because of the vasoconstriction, you can go for HOURS and HOURS. i'd have marathon fapping sessions, sometimes spanning 12 hours. it became a ritual which reinforced my adderall abuse. thankfully, this addiction to sex and porn didn't have a lasting effect- i have a fairly normal sex life now. it's kind of bizarre to think about the things that you become absolutely obsessed with while on adderall, and then once you're off, you don't give a shit about it lol.

not physically. i quit cold turkey from hardcore binging use (160mg+ a day), and the first few days were a complete fog, basically sleeping, eating and chugging water all day, but it was nothing harmful. you said you've already tried tapering down 15 times before, so it sounds like cold-turkey is your only option at this point. you need to cut yourself off from your source- this is the guaranteed, sure fire, no way back route. it's a scary decision, but if you're serious about this, it will keep you committed. gl and keep posting.

Content.

agreed- i'm very impressed! i am slowly getting myself back into poetry. i find it a great way to exercise my vocabulary and eloquence- things that were severely crippled for a long time after quitting. i enjoy it immensely, but i'm still struggling with actually spending the time to do it, if that makes sense. it's so much easier to just netflix lol

yea, these days, even if i wanted to get my hands on drugs like coke and ecstasy, i simply don't know enough shady characters anymore (thankfully) lol. i guess that's what made the temptation so great for me when i went for my appointment. in my youth, i was definitely the most experienced drug user of my social circle, but i had never gotten addicted to anything. i was always in total control. adderall is a different beast because most people don't take it to get high, they take it to "upgrade" their lives. with this intention, its not a drug but a tool. and the tool works so damn well in the beginning! becoming the "perfect" version of yourself is quite possibly the greatest high imaginable, no?

i like to think of this more in an "ignorance is bliss" way. once you know what it feels like to be "elevated" by amphetamines, you can't un-know that. it's a state that is certainly not normal, and in a way incomparable to any previous experience in your life. unfortunately for some (many of us here), it then becomes the state to which you compare everything else in life. i think we can certainly recover to "normal", but where normal lies on the spectrum of experience has definitely changed.

regarding the fluid retention, it's definitely common. if keeping on a diet is easy for you, i would suggest trying out a ketogenic diet for a month or two. this is similar to the Atkins diet, of very low carbohydrate intake, moderate protein and high fats (the good kinds). if you keep your carb intake below 40g/day consistently for a month, you will see a HUGE reduction in water retention. i lost about 10 pounds in a month with no exercise, it was very encouraging. there are other benefits of this kind of diet which lend themselves well to recovery such as increased focus, energy, some people even report euphoria. can't say that any of these things were very pronounced for me, but the weight loss is real!

what an epic dig lol, but was a good read, i can definitely relate. its the feeling of not getting enough air, like in a panic attack when you start breathing really fast.

lol, been there done that- cocaine and hookers are far more expensive my usage was at some point the "pure work motivation", but that was years ago. i think for me the underlying depression at some point changed what adderall meant to me- i didn't care about being productive, or being great, because i hated myself. at that point, i was just chasing a high with a rapidly increasing tolerance. i absolutely agree with this. i cannot imagine EVER going back consistent use like it used to be. back then, i actually believed that adderall was the only way for me to be successful, but as we all know that's simply not true. also, once you have disrespected a substance as i have, there is no going back. i will never be able to use adderall for anything besides getting high, so my struggle is quite different, but in a way, simpler now. i will not become a speed junkie again. "for every chemical, you trade a piece of your soul" - Billy Corgan

thank you for this. you're totally right- it's my choice. i don't think that adderall has a grip on me like it used to, i think i was just getting bored with being miserable and wanted to enjoy myself for a little while. this is in stark contrast to my rationale before, which was to use adderall to accomplish something "great" with my life. i did end up getting that 2nd script, finishing it in 7 days, and almost picked up a third but thank God my pdoc had to reschedule for later in the month. so did i enjoy myself? yes and no. it didn't end up jump starting anything in my life really.. i honestly ended up spending most of the binge just downloading porn, jerking off and trying to not act too high at work. i'm actually weirdly thankful that im such a hardcore binge user, because this relapse was not drawn out. the toll it takes on my body and the fears for my health are so acute that it's shaken me back my senses. thank you to everyone for your support (:

so i have to come clean, if for no other reason than i owe it to this site for all the help and support it has provided me over the years. this may very well be a TRIGGERING post for some, but i really needed to get this out there. --- i quit cold turkey a little over 2 years ago, and while it wasn't easy by any means, i was never tempted to go back to that life. for those that don't know, i was a binge user. 150mg+ a day, awake for 5 days a time, absolutely annihilating my body and mind. i would blow through my script in a week and half, then just drag myself through life for 3 weeks until i could get high again. it was like that for at least 3 years of my 6 year addiction. when i finally decided to quit, i had been on Wellbutrin for a few months already which i continued for another few months to ease the early recovery process. i then quit that cold turkey as well. basically for two years, i've been "kind" to myself- not pushing myself beyond what was required at work, not forcing myself to get into hobbies, gaining tons of weight, etc. most of my evenings would be spent watching 4+ hours of TV. i had no motivation to pursue my passions (music and writing), i could hardly motivate myself to do even enjoyable things like videogames- it seemed like too much effort. but i kept telling myself, it's okay- be kind to yourself. to be fair, it worked for a while. i also smoked a good amount of weed, but there were also periods (months) of being completely clean. it wasn't until recently that i started realizing a powerful depression taking hold of my life. it wasn't a sadness, or loneliness- i have plenty of friends and a loving girlfriend. it was an inability to enjoy their company, an inability to do anything productive, an inability to affect my situation. my work started slipping- at some point i was doing barely an hour worth of actual work a day. thankfully im at a small company with basically the equivalent of tenure here, so frankly i could probably get away with it forever. but that's not what i wanted for myself. i wanted to thrive again. well TLDR, i decided i was going back to my pdoc to get back on Wellbutrin as it had been helpful in the past. at first, it was ONLY Wellbutrin on my mind. then slowly as the appointment drew closer, the temptation set in. i thought to myself: "man, my tolerance is probably way down now" , "maybe ill just get 1 script, just to jumpstart my life back on track"... then there was a fuck it moment. "im gonna God Damn get some Adderall, and enjoy it for a little while." and so i did. pdoc started me on Wellbutrin and 1/3rd of my adderall dose from before. no surprise- i blasted through that adderall script in about 9 days. i was awake for almost 5 days straight- shaking, twitching, geeking out. but shit- i knew that was going to happen. so now its 2 weeks later. there wasn't much of a rebound from the bender, maybe a day or two of grogginess. i feel fine- in fact i feel great. the wellbutrin is absolutely helping. i'm a bit more motivated at work, looking around for a new job, getting back into writing poetry.. but that next appointment is coming up again in a week... i honestly don't know what's going to happen. thanks for reading.

it is the loneliest feeling in the world, because our addiction and abuse is so intensely personal- especially with adderall, there's a reason it happened. i experimented a lot back in college with all sorts of drugs. i was the "experienced" drug guy, could handle my shit no matter what. i had never been addicted to anything until adderall came along. it changed everything in my life.. all the things i'd dreamed about being seemed within my reach all of a sudden. that desire was so strong i actually went in knowing that i could get addicted, but rationalized it as the sacrifice necessary to achieve my dreams. well we all know how that ends up.. it wasn't until after quitting that i reflected back on my life and realized id been self-medicating a depression my whole life. i was never happy with who i was, which is possibly why i had such fanciful dreams of being something else. depression is a very tough thing to conceptualize- it means something different for each person, but trust me when i say i know what you're going through. it may feel like adderall was the only thing that could fix you, but unfortunately once you cross over into abuse there is no coming back to a therapeutic routine. i couldn't even handle the taper down without binging all my pills. i think you'll find many of the people here advocate for the cold turkey approach, but as long as your doctor knows, that is the biggest step. from my own experience, i can say that Wellbutrin helped a great deal in the early recovery process, and still does to this day for me. perhaps you can discuss this with your doctor as a treatment for the underlying depression. (:

i can only speak for myself here, but i think many of us here can relate to this- it's probably because the level of "success" adderall delivers is incomparable to anything you've experienced thus far. to be honest, there is a period of actual success that can be had, during the honeymoon phase, but as the abuse ramps up this turns to perceived success. it rewires your brain and changes the expectations you have for yourself- because you've lived what you imagine to be the "perfect you". i think the challenge we face, therefore, is redefining and rewiring our experience of happiness. we don't need to be THAT person again. there are many paths to happiness (:

@AdderallAbuser95 it's been a month now since you flushed your pills, did you end up getting that refill? here's to hoping that you didn't!