SleepyStupid

sometimes the problem with splitting a dose is that you do not get enough in each half to produce a therapeutic benefit. then you just feel like crap for half the day and then half the day again. i agree though, its certainly worth a shot- you'd be surprised how little adderall is truly necessary to "function". its a pity, us addicts have rewritten our personal definition of "function".

in a fucking ironic twist of fate I saw a bottle of d-amp in her bathroom. the girl that iIdecided to quit for is on adderall. i think I'm okay with it. haven't said anything about it yet.. ugh

my best friend asked me for pills cause hes in town. hes the kind of addict that tries to convince me "just go get the script and sell it to me". thankfully he lives on the other side of the country, we used to be each others back up source, buying off other people scripts.. we used to be swimming in pills. i hope this time he just respects my decision and drops it. >_<

that's a tough one.. im assuming because it's locked up he knows about your past abuse? of course, it may also help if he did a weekly count of his medication, if he takes it as prescribed then there will be an obvious difference in count. unfortunately, all these techniques are simply safeguards- only time will fix the real issue of temptation. perhaps asking him to take his medication out of sight might help, not to talk about it or ever mention it? at the end of the day this is going to be your battle more than his.

hang in there friend. someone once told me, "be kind to yourself. its okay to just live" (:

cant stop drumming my fingers. i remember this from long ago, before the adderall. i truly have add, but ive abused myself past any treatment.

the temptation hit me full force as i was on the way to her office. its scary how you can have such resolve but when your trigger hits, your mind is just flooded with vicious thoughts. she did end up raising my wellbutrin dosage a bit, up to 200mg XR. as much as i want to attribute this victory to will power, i feel that the wellbutrin has leveled me off enough to resist temptation. i think eventually i would like to ween myself off that, but for the time being im okay with just smashing my speed addiction. (:

I made it out without a script. YESSSSS

today is my first pdoc appointment since quitting. im a bit nervous, but thankfully have not had any second thoughts or temptations these past 3 weeks! the thought of admitting my abuse is still too much for me, but i will be telling her ive been off my meds for weeks, i feel fine, and i will *NOT* be walking out with an adderall prescription today. i am an addict and a binge user- there is no moderation for me, there is no therapeutic value left for me to go back to. i want to thank everyone again for the support- this place is so essential for being a constant reminder of all the terrible things i will never put myself or anyone else through ever again. (:

this.

the ones that scared the shit out of me shaking tremors (some days could barely hold a cup of coffee without spilling) tics spasms (why did iIkeep taking them still?) auditory hallucinations (always sounded like music was playing) and iIkept taking them still.

this is a poem i wrote about a certain parking lot in the town i used to live in. i spent a lot of time in parking lots back then because i never wanted to go home or be around people. id just sit there in my car, geeked out, chain smoking cigarettes and plotting every curiosity that came about. it a bit abstract, thanks for reading (: parkinglotjunkie this cocktail reeks of shame. there were once calculations, lies and numbers painting a perfect passage of time in the end was a parkinglotjunkie. caught between a sleepy stupid figure and love shooting wormholes for secret science mining clouds, chasing memories through pearly gates, then hateful thoughts shaking sounds of shame mean guilt. tearful transactions make for silly silhouettes all antiquated, not full, half smeared. in time, these silly games pass time figures in corners, shadows rhyme a jumpstart to the heart! to reclaim its lovers again just a poison pissing shame.

be aware that adderall also creates the illusion of being under pressure and overwhelming odds. it thrives off this. i always felt like i was rushing to complete things, that there was no time and that stopping adderall would bring everything to a screeching halt. its not true. when i was binging for days on end, i remember trying to tell myself "you can't live your whole life in one day." its weird how adderall convinces you of the opposite. just flush the pills and never look back. you'll find that the world doesnt need to spin so fast (:

on adderall i couldn't watch movies, TV, *listen* to music.. couldn't put my phone down for even a minute because i was always trying to be productive.

beautiful. these lines reminded me of.. "if you blew it, don't reject it / just sit drawing up the plans and re-erect it" Weezer - Photograph

for every chemical / you trade a piece of your soul. Smashing Pumpkins - This Time

man i have super been there. even worse when i was in between binges- everything and everyone gets cancelled.

i think the biggest thing for me is not ruining my love life- im seeing someone new and i dont want to ruin this and be alone. adderall makes you alone. another thing is having a stable mood and consistency with life. i hated swinging back and forth, never knowing when id have energy or be in the mood to just do normal things or live my life.

congrats on getting to nothing! the other day i was learning some songs on guitar, actually for a show im doing on Halloween (a bit nervous!), and i got almost an adderally feeling off of it. so much so that when my mother asked me to go pick up dinner, i got really irritated that i was being interrupted. much like i would have had i been on adderall i guess my point is that it made me question whether some symptoms during recovery are maybe just natural behavior- sober people get irritated, have low energy etc. if i immediately attribute it to withdrawal, perhaps im propagating my own sense that the drug still has some control over me? dunno just a thought (:

^ that comic is fucking brilliant hahahaha

wow, that would drive me BONKERS if i had to do that. congrats (:

its strange, despite all the shitty things and outcomes of my addiction, some part of me does not regret it as well. i have certainly gained many things from adderall fueled knowledge binging. would i say it was *worth it*? absolutely not. my next 3 month visit is coming up soon. i really wish i could say i will definitely tell her about my abuse, but more likely i will ask her to stop me for some other reason or another. i know, i know- this allows a potential source in the future if i ever want it.. :/

well enjoy the sleep for now lol, i remember days of going to bed at like 9 (: just FYI, regarding the l-tyrosine, i believe it is actually much more effective to take on an empty stomach either 2 hours before 2 hours after meals. i take 2000mg first thing in the morning generally.

thanks everyone! i think ive always been a naturally fast speaker- ive also rewatched some webinars and training sessions i had while i was geeked out on speed, i could hear myself trying to slow down lol. @doge, absolutely. socializing went to 0, even online chatting! that's a very fair point, i had no desire to socialize so just shuffled through the weeks thereby avoiding situations where id struggle to communicate. ...maybe also it was some nervousness, i may have noticed a bit more while i was on a date >_< but its been going great! i think this girl is going to keep me on track without even knowing it. ive caused enough misery and heartache in the past because of my addiction- i never want to put someone through that ever again.

i hope so.. it doesn't feel like social awkwardness. it feels more like struggling to retrieve words that would have naturally come to me. i feel slower.