SleepyStupid

sorry for the dig, but i want to add some more reminders to this thread of how seriously my addiction affected my health - several months ago (Aug), i was attending a conference for work. i was tweaked out at 3AM in the morning, sitting outside on our balcony, chain smoking cigarettes, doing adderally things.. of course all sitting in a super stationary position (had my legs crossed). one side effect of adderall abuse is loss of feeling in limbs. my entire right leg had fallen asleep but i *didnt feel the pins and needles*. i went to stand up, collapsed and severely injured my big toe. of course, i downplayed the injury, hobbled around for a month or so.. but still to this day wearing certain shoes or walking for too long will cause me pain. maybe i let it heal incorrectly or something. i wish i had fucking cared more about my life to avoid this. this may not have been a direct result of abuse but i attribute it to that. - over the course of my 6 year addiction, my hygiene of course deteriorated so i was more prone to things like athletes foot, thrush, tongue sore s etc. but these are some what transient and can be treated. you know what isnt easily treated? damaging your toe nail matrices from habitual toe curling. apparently if you apply enough friction or force over time, your toe nails will begin to grow thicker and in my case now grow straight up. its fucking weird. ill need to see a podiatrist or something, but ive been too ashamed thus far to take any action.

here's a thought- perhaps you can approach this problem through marriage counseling? this way, you're not directly confronting or attributing your marital issues to adderall (which it likely is). ultimately, the drugs will become a topic during counseling but this way it gets tackled in a controlled environment? its not manipulative necessarily because these are genuinely marital issues- just changing your approach to addressing this thing in a healthy way.

this system is in effect in certain states for schedule II substances, regardless of whether you have reported insurance to each pharmacy. but if your ins is on file, they will certainly track and enforce the prescription period (28 days i believe). attempting to fill a script early could red flag you, but in my past experience (from trying to do exactly this) they usually just tell you that you can't fill the script early. its certainly a good question though, whether you can self-report- seems that pharmacists are the gateway to this. here is some good info on these types of programs: http://www.deadiversion.usdoj.gov/faq/rx_monitor.htm

LOL fuck face. love this (: thank you for putting this together!!

dont beat yourself up over this- yes, it was a stupid lapse in what has otherwise been the best year of your recent life? dont let the negativity draw you in friend. 10 months of hard work is still much greater than 1 slip up that you immediately regret. the guilt is there, and that's what matters the most now. you havent slid so far that the rationalizing and excuse making has taken over!! but now that your friend has caved, do you have plans to cut that source once again somehow?

welcome to the forums! i get it. trust me. your story is a mirror image of mine- while im good at my job, my whole office knows about my ADD (which i genuinely have) and im constantly distracted / forgetting things. im also loud and sometimes disruptive without realizing it. being on adderall at work was more entertaining for sure, but it was equally if not more unproductive because of all the wasted time and effort on tangents. i used to be in a band, i used to write music, i used to write poetry, i used to be a hardcore gamer, i used to do a lot of things that i dont find immediately entertaining anymore. its a bummer for sure- but i also realize its not just being sober, its also growing up. ive been on adderall most of my adult life so perhaps this is a natural maturation. that doesn't mean im giving up on these hobbies, i just have to try a little harder to love them again (:

God I was a Red Bull / coffee junkie when I was on speed, mostly because i was so tweaked out i couldnt even feel the caffeine anymore, i was just drinking them down with a faith in synergy. these days, i need one solid cup of joe in the morning and that's about enough to get through the day, no more red bull! (:

I agree with the idea of doing what you have to to get through the remainder of the semester. it sounds like your totally committed and finally in the right mindset to quit, but the early recovery period is going to suck, for some people it's especially debilitating. if you jump into this with some critical things pending just know that it will be even more tempting to rush back to the pills when the going gets tough.

you can control it this time your tolerance has gone down, you won't need as much your gaining too much weight iI only need it for this project or test etc I'm sure I'll think of more!

thank you! i used to write so much, mainly lyrics and songs, back before the adderall. then adderall changed it all- granted i wrote A LOT more, which in and of itself makes you a better writer, but it also twisted my motivations.. it made me want to "win" something, to become commercially successful, it took the *fun* out of it. im still working on bringing the magic back. its tough, cause all i feel like doing these days is watching TV. >_< i would love to read some of your writing! (:

adderall abuse comes with HUGE mood swings, so this isnt anything uncommon. but beyond just the mood swings, it sounds like there could be an underlying depression or mental illness going on. how long has this been going on? also, when shes "on" for two weeks, have you tried talking to her about her mood swings? generally when we're high, we have a *much* more positive outlook on life, even if its slightly mostly artificial. it might be enough positive mood to actually have a meaningful conversation about this because it doesn't sound like she's in the right state of mind to have such a conversation off the drugs.

incorrect. from your post i take it that you have not tried going to rehab- if your life sucks enough to the point of contemplating suicide, why not give rehab a shot? you have nothing more to lose at this point my friend (except your life). while ive never had sucidal thoughts myself, i think of this scenario as: IF i were sober, would i care to live? if you dont know the answer to that, then you owe it to yourself to find out.

wow iIwanna get to this point soon! I'm still battling the appetite thing, soon I'll have the energy to start gymimg hopefully

this. it's tragic that bottoming out was necessary for me to realize how urgently I needed to stop, i had to feel my health in danger to realize. my usage was similar to yours at some point, i remember the epic rationalizations I made. here's the warning : your life may be okay now, but God forbid something bad happens in your life (losing a job, being broke, love life, etc).. the pills will become your escape. it will become the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. as for reminding myself of the bad times, I have a tape recording of the night I bottomed out, a message to myself. it's 5 minutes of sobbing and pleading for my life. i can barely listen to it.

many people take adderall therapeutically and have great success with it. generally if you are abusing it you will have worse side effects than the therapeutic users. also if you are sensitive to the medication there are certainly alternatives such as Vyvanse. if you were taking adderall as prescribed and had a bad reaction to it, i would certainly discuss further options with your doctor. one thing I can definitely say though is that adderall should never be prescribed off label for depression. that is dangerous.

you don't need to bottom out to start saving your own life. it's just that most people can't make that commitment until they've experienced losing absolutely everything. you're still in school, you still have a roof over your head and you will still have a supportive family if you choose to accept their help. (:

gluttonous >_<

absent.

welcome! FWIW I lost a 7 year relationship due to adderall, then spent the next two years still seeing her as friends and deluding myself into thinking everything would work out.. she'd come back to me after I cleaned up my act. of course I was still using this entire time. when the day came and I made my intentions clear, it went the bad way. I was torn apart and I just drowned myself in pills. that was about a year ago. it got really binging bad, but you know what made me decide to quit? meeting someone new and never wanting to hurt someone like that again. there is love, life and happy afternoons still to come, I promise you (:

yes, unfortunately as addicts we have crossed a line past which there is no moderation. there are other ways to live life.. well spoken, and congratulations on 5 years (:

this is understandable, but i remember at my level of abuse the basic routine type activities of daily living still never happened. id have the greatest of intentions to clean up my room, my car, do laundry.. then 8 hours dicking around on the Internet later.. point being I've avoided learning how to do these things for myself for most of my adult life because of adderall. I'm fighting to be a normal human being first, learn some discipline. THEN I'll worry about being a superhero (:

thanks everyone, it went well! except iwas very embarrassed cause i couldn't keep the laser pointer in place, my hands still tremble

I have a ten minute presentation at a huge trade show today, I'm super nervous but I don't have chemical courage this time. >_<

^ this is true, its inevitable.

he called me a bitch, then dropped it. lol. hopefully it stays that way now i just found a bottle of adderall in bathroom of the girl im seeing (no i wasnt snooping it was just there). im not sure what would be worse- if she's taking them recreationally or therapeutically. despite all this im still temptation free thus far. i think i went to a place far too dark and self-destructive to be tempted quite yet.