SleepyStupid

haven't experienced this myself, but here's an interesting explanation on the physiological effects of amphetamine on vision: https://drugs-forum.com/wiki/Stimulant_induced_blurred_vision

this is great news!!!! congrats on taking that first step and coming clean. it's immensely difficult to do. (: if i recall correctly, you're in school right? are you on summer break? any plans for the next semester or looking for a job? the next few months are going to be rough, so you should start strategizing as soon as possible.

totally know what you mean. it's definitely a double-edged sword! i think the thing to keep in mind about recovering from amphetamines though is that it will not provide the immediate and tangible results your personality is craving. this is not a sprint, it's a marathon. sure- within a week or two, you won't feel like sleeping 20 hours a day, but honestly the real difficult part starts after that. you'll still have to start doing all the normal human being things you're expected to do, but there will be no feeling of reward in doing them for some time. this is why it's important to not push yourself, and to temper your expectations. you have a lot of positive energy right now, and that's awesome! you should capitalize on it by putting into motion some good routines like exercising and diet. keep us posted- this is the best decision of your life (:

i wish i had better advice on disconnecting the sex stuff. for me, it was kind of a natural disconnection because when i stopped taking adderall i lost a dramatic amount of interest in a lot of things, sex included. i was still having it, but didn't start enjoying it again for a couple of months. that could also be very different for males and females. it sounds like you simply haven't been off adderall long enough to let this natural disconnection happen. you really need to stay off this stuff for at least a month, then reassess your thoughts on sex. i think you said in an earlier post that the longest you were off it was 3 months last year. what drove you back? was it sex? the bottom line is this: you'll probably have to not enjoy sex for a while. but i think this is a fair trade to save your life.

i think it depends how you define " very excessive adderall use". what "very excessive" sounds like to me is a lack of self-control, which means tapering is probably not going to work unless you have someone else dispense your pills as @EricP suggested. that's nothing to be ashamed of though. most of us are here because of a lack of self-control. cold turkey will certainly be more brutal, but unfortunately it's the only option for some of us. FWIW, on days i used to take less adderall than what i was used to, i'd feel worse than if i didn't take any at all, but that effect may depend once again on how much you were taking. gl!

^ this, this, this!! (: so happy for you, congrats on 2 years!

i think its fair to say that there aren't any shortcuts to rewiring your brain when it comes to things that require discipline- chores, work, etc. this is simply a matter of teaching yourself that reward comes after work, not before. but when it comes to pleasurable things like hobbies and interests, i think that focusing on new experiences can be a lot more rewarding than struggling to enjoy things that you used to enjoy on adderall. it's probably especially tough for you given how long you were on adderall, it might seem like some of the core things about your personality and interests are "gone". i would say for the time being, let them go and try to exploit the natural excitement of novelty in life (:

first of all, congrats on 4 months!! you're past the first major hurdle of acute withdrawal, and hopefully your energy levels are stabilizing. 5 months to 1 year is unfortunately a pretty tough period. it can also be somewhat scary because things like communication that have always been effortless seem broken. that struggle with getting your point across is a very well documented experience on this forum. i struggled with writing and presenting greatly and spent a lot of time looking up words early on. the best advice i can give for things like interviews is to rehearse, rehearse and rehearse more. write out your story, use a thesaurus and keep improving it. the more of this script you internalize, the less you'll have to improvise (which is dreaded part). it's going to be a challenge. there's no way to sugar-coat that, but you haven't ruined any chances. in fact, in quitting adderall, you have given yourself the ultimate chance to truly succeed in life (:

yea, i've definitely gravitated away from music to podcasts and audiobooks (non-fiction at that). driving for an hour plus everyday starts to feel like a waste of time if you're just listening to music lol

specifically regarding the sex obsession, i totally get it. as i've mentioned in other posts, this became almost 90% of my focus during binges at some point. it led to some dark places. it's a super dangerous stage to be in because the "sexual you" is MUCH harder to control than the "rational you". i would say that if you can disconnect the sex from the adderall, then you would have a much clearer mind about quitting. i recognize that this is extraordinarily difficult given that we are at the core sexual beings, but i think you already realize how much of a compounding effect it is having on your addiction.

don't know if the was already posted, but this episode is epic. sleep scientist Matthew Walker talks about how critical sleep is, and how dangerous it is to not have it. the TLDR? if you're getting less than 7 hours of sleep a night, you're doing some pretty serious damage. 7 hours?! back when i was on adderall i would be awake for 5 days at a time. im totally mortified at how much damage i was probably doing to myself. not that i was completely unaware, but this really puts everything in context from a physiological standpoint. fuck adderall.

FWIW, i think you're catastrophizing a bit. listen, you already got through the hardest part- getting your degree and graduating. the bar exam is a tough exam. i have many friends that studied their asses off and still failed the first time. they were devastated, but they got over it, studied their asses off again and eventually passed. my understanding is that for most states, there is technically no limit to the number of attempts. i don't know how long you were using or how long you've been clean, but with enough time your mental faculties will return. that thing about remembering common words? i made this exact same post a couple of years ago. it was frightening that i couldn't retrieve the most basic of words sometimes. it gets better, i promise. you said the adderall isn't even helping anymore. it means you're just using it as an emotional crutch because you feel inadequate. it may help you feel more "connected" with the world, but we all know it's not a real connection.

doldrums.

yea- 140mg a day to nothing is quite a shock to the system! the first month will always feel the slowest. it's like going 100 mph into a 25 zone suddenly. it's gonna feel even slower than 25 should feel. i'm also convinced that amphetamine itself warps your perception of time. keep on keeping on!

ah yes- drug dreams. everyone experiences these, especially in early recovery. in fact, i still experience them occasionally. these are especially bad when they're vivid enough to actually remember feeling high in the dream. i wish i could provide some advice on this, but there really isn't any way to control your dreams. in your first year, you will be constantly thinking about adderall simply because you're trying to avoid it. it's gonna show up in your dreams unfortunately.

@BeHereNow i totally get it. i'm 2.5 years off stims, 33 years old with depression, social anxiety and a fear of change. i know for a fact i'm in a slump, and it is absolutely a result of burnout (among other things). i've known it for a while, but i think there's this fear of inadequacy that prevents me from moving on in my career and life. of course this is still an objectively better state than the adderall days, but i have not yet experienced any dramatic change and improvement in my life situation as others have reported. i don't have any proof that i am "back to baseline", but i have to believe that i am. i don't want to give myself an "out", whether that's conscious or sub-conscious- my problems now are the kinds of problems everyone has. a mid-life crisis perhaps? i'm not sure i'll ever be able to recapture the zeal that i had in my early 20's, even before adderall. but i'm not sure that's realistic- that guy wasn't a real adult. take that vacation. pick up a new hobby. this too shall pass (:

this this this, x100.

i'm not aware of any rehab or group that is specifically for prescription ADD meds, though to be fair i haven't Googled it extensively. you can maybe try Meetup.com if you're in a metropolitan area? perhaps someone with rehab experience can chime in here, but i'd imagine that at least the clinicians at these facilities will have the necessary experience to provide professional help. i can understand why some people feel uneasy about getting help and being grouped together with other types of addicts. it can almost seem intimidating- like your problems aren't as bad as theirs, so they don't take your addiction seriously. can't say that it's not a possibility in some anon groups, but i suspect that you'll find them much more understanding than you think. you can try out a few different NA groups in your area and see which one you feel the most comfortable with. if you need help, don't let this stop you from getting it. and of course, we're always here for you (:

just wanted to share that i had a very similar thought at the peak of my addiction. i remember quite vividly looking around my apartment, this space that i had converted into a super high tech smart-home- maniacal solutions for things that weren't really problems. up until that point, i had considered adderall a tool to create a better life for myself. but at that moment, i realized that adderall was simply creating a life for itself. the real me was so far gone, i had no idea what he even wanted anymore. what was the point of all this if i couldn't go back to the real me and enjoy this new life? or maintain it for that matter? glad to hear that you're finally committed to recovery! good luck and stay close to the forums- we're here to help (:

i'm sorry to hear this. i think the best thing for now would be to end it, but tell her that you'll be there for her when she realizes she has a problem.

@Frank B yea, i agree. i'm always open to learning about new avenues for recovery, as long as they aren't risky. but also, i have a hard time wrapping my mind around "feeling better". i can understand in early recovery where you feel absolutely miserable and you're looking for something to make it through the worst.. but for those of us a few years out, i worry that experimenting with something that gives you a very apparent effect is similar to pleasure seeking behavior.

interesting- how much does a week's supply cost? and route of administration is injection?

i believe the neurotoxicity of amphetamine is based on the dosage and frequency (i.e. if you're binging and abusing it hard, it is probably frying your brain). most doctors are assuming normal therapeutic dosage, so in that sense his answer is correct. glad to hear you're feeling GREAT! do you think it's a direct result of the Cerebrolysin though? you should try an experiment- stop it for a week and see how you feel. you need to be careful with anything that gives you too much of an effect.

yea- it's unfortunate but most people who use consistently won't come across a reason to quit until it stops working for them or affects their health enough to scare them. my girlfriend was an on and off user for a long time, and one of the things about dating someone who uses is that you start questioning every aspect of their behavior. did she not call me back cause of adderall? does she sleep till 2PM on the weekends cause of adderall? so on and so forth. she told me recently that she hasn't taken it in over half a year, so i don't think about it so much anymore, but i can only imagine how crazy it would drive me if i knew she was on it every day. it's good that you realize this won't work out, but you can't help the way you feel. for us though, there is still the increased exposure to adderall risk to always keep in mind. i thought that i was completely immune to it. but strangely just the other day, when she was in the shower, this thought crept into my mind that she has months of unused adderall prescriptions sitting in a box in the other room. i know exactly where they are. i thought "maybe i can just pocket a few, it won't be like filling a script." i actually stood in the doorway of the room, locked in an internal struggle with myself. thankfully, i came to my senses when i realized that it wasn't me that wanted the pills- it was the addict. i'm not that guy anymore.

there's no need to hold back your thoughts or concerns- that's what this forum is here for (: i apologize - i was a bit pedantic with my earlier response. of course we all have free will, but as @hyper_critical said above, addiction robs us of the ability to will ourselves out of addiction. regarding negative patterns of behavior, i'm of the belief that they exist because we are trying to compensate for some deficiency we perceive in ourselves. it's easy enough to identify during recovery: i'm a lazy shitheel and don't enjoy anything. if this is the only thing leading you back to using, then the answer is simply "give yourself time". but it may be helpful to ask "why did i get addicted in the first place?". i've used plenty of other drugs in the past- never got addicted. plenty of people are able to use adderall recreationally- don't get addicted. i'm not sure i have a great answer for this, but i think for me it came from a desire to "prove myself" to the world. i didn't like who i was, so i created this vision of myself as a successful musician. i spent most of my adolescent life convincing everyone (and myself) that i would spend my life doing this. sure- i was talented.. but when i actually took a couple of years off to focus on it? i spent most of that time smoking weed, playing videogames and wasting the opportunity. i hated myself for it. and then came adderall. it made me feel great about myself. fuck yea. i can totally do this, AND take on a Master's program AND make my parents proud of me, AND, AND.. i like to think that the pattern of behavior broke for me because i redefined who i am and what makes me happy. it is, for sure, a different vision than before. perhaps even less ambitious. but i feel confident than i will never need adderall to fill in the gaps again (: