BeHereNow

Speaking from experience, multiple experiences actually (sadly), adderall is one of the best ways to slowly, torturously destroy relationships. If you want to be with this person, you have to quit adderall now. Maybe he's not giving you that ultimatum, but I am telling you that the ultimatum is just the reality-- so I'll give it to you now. Do you want a healthy happy relationship or a speed addiction that destroys your life?

Baby cries at night? Drug them with xanax!!!!

Everything you are experiencing will only get worse if you keep using. You have a lot going for you-- and adderall can and will take it all away. Stick around and read some of the stories on here to see how bad it can get.

http://www.prweb.com/releases/2014/05/prweb11872059.htm Infants on adderall and benzos???? "The mental health watchdog, Citizens Commission on Human Rights (CCHR) says according to data provided by IMS Health, the world’s leading health information and analytics company, hundreds of thousands of toddlers are being prescribed far more powerful psychiatric drugs than just ADHD drugs, and most alarming of all is the more than 274,000 0-1 year olds prescribed psychiatric drugs.[2] According to IMS Health’s Vector One: National and Total Patient Tracker Database for 2013 these are the figures for 0-1 year olds being prescribed psychiatric drugs: 249,669 0-1 year olds are on anti-anxiety drugs (such as Xanax, Klonopin, and Ativan). 26,406 0-1 year olds are on antidepressants (such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil). There are 1,422 0-1 year olds taking ADHD drugs (such as Ritalin, Adderall, and Concerta). 654 0-1 year olds are taking antipsychotics (such as Risperdal, Seroquel, and Zyprexa). While the CDC was correct in issuing their report on the 10,000 2-3 year olds (toddlers) being prescribed ADHD drugs, the number of toddlers on anti-anxiety and antidepressants is staggering in comparison: 318,997 2-3 year olds are on anti-anxiety drugs. 46,102 2-3 year olds are on antidepressants. 3,760 2-3 year olds are taking antipsychotics. And as for other age groups, the numbers start in the millions with 0-5 year olds: The total number of 0-5 year olds currently prescribed psychiatric drugs is 1,080,168. The number of 6-12 year olds on psychiatric drugs is 4,130,340. The number of 13-17 year olds taking psychiatric drugs is 3,617,593.[3]"

I am the same way, and so are many people with "addictive personalities." It's ride-or-die, all-or-nothing!! Honestly, after a couple months I started just losing my taste for caffeine. I still have maybe a cup of coffee in the AM but that's it. You seem especially worried about it. If you're that worried, why not just take a day off and see how it feels? Do you like to work out? What if you start taking this energy out on a new workout habit like running?

Serena, as someone living with horrible severe clinical depression that feels totally hopeless, depression that's only partly related to quitting adderall, I can only try to empathize with what you're going through. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I've had depression since I was a teenager. And my feelings of hopelessness and lack of self-confidence are what first led me to self-medicate with adderall. And what led me to continue self-medicating with it. I never had a real prescription. I prescribed it to myself. And I did so out of depression and anxiety, in hindsight. I thought I wasn't smart enough to function without it. Classic feelings of self-doubt and hopelessness that go with depression. So I think I can relate to you on some level. The main difference is that there was no dr. posing a crazy ultimatum on me. What your dr. told you is not just wrong and horrifying, its also totally unethical. S/he told you your only two options are adderall or electro-shock therapy??? I know you already know this, but: 1. Since when is electro shock therapy even still considered a viable option?? The pain and brain damage it causes are now considered to outweigh any "benefits".... right? I didn't know this was still even an option, except maybe among convicted serial killers...... 2. Anytime a doctor tells you that you have only two options, that's a lie. You ALWAYS have at least a third option: to do nothing. And a fourth option: see another dr. Get another opinion. Or see a naturopath. Not to get too intense, but even if a doctor says, "your only option is radiation therapy," you still have the option to refuse radiation and die. It sounds like your doctor really meant, "you have two options that will make me money." If someone had told me that, though, before I knew better, of course I would have gone for adderall! Who wouldn't? Now, knowing what I know, though, I would fire that doctor. If someone gave me this "ultimatum" today, I'd rather live with debilitating depression. Did this doctor even ask you about lifestyle, diet, exercise, etc? I know mine didn't. And those things are crucial. Bottom line, adderall is not an antidepressant. You feel better for a few hours, a few months maybe, but your brain gets used to it and the depression is a thousand times worse when you quit (or even at the end of the work day) than it was before you started. Adderall makes depression way worse long term. Which is why I cannot believe you dr gave you this "ultimatum." I feel like this might even constitute malpractice, to be honest. You need to look to other means of depression treatment. Therapy. Exercise. Spending time in nature is incredibly therapeutic--and FUN! Explore the beauty of the world. Reading books. Helps you see things differently. Diet. It's incredible how deeply foods affect our moods and sense of well-being. My friend who has had severe depression since forever grew up to become a naturopathic practitioner, and she is VERY in tune with how each and every food ingredient affects her. I would really suggest trying that route. You might have some kind of sensitivity to sugar, etc. For me, running and hiking do WONDERS. Do you exercise? What's your diet like? Also, do you drink? Drinking makes depression WAY worse. I take antidepressants, but they only do so much. I started therapy a month ago and I hate it because it brings up so much pain, but I'm forcing myself to go. Are you in therapy? Not psychiatry, but actual therapy? The most therapeutic thing of all, for me, is work that helps other people. I'm a teacher. Being there with my students gets me right out of my own head, my own depression, because I have to be a positive role model for the kids. I have to be there for them 100%. And it's what I love. No time for the depression monster! I always feel better after teaching If I didn't have that, though, I'd probably turn to some kind of volunteer work. I used to LOVE doing volunteer work of all kinds, when I had more time. Meaningful work, meaningful contributions to the world, are some of the best ways to work through depression. I strongly believe in that. And there are SO many cool things you can do--- like teaching art at a nursing home for example! I've been on this forum long enough, and have had two severe enough bouts with adderall and quitting, and many more severe bouts of clinical depression and anxiety, to say definitively that staying on adderall is NOT an option for you if you want to get better. It's just NOT an option!!! Quitting WILL hurt a LOT at first. Your depression will be horrific. Be ready for that. Give yourself the space. Take some time off! But know that it's also part of your brain healing. You CAN do this!!!! I believe in you!!!! Also, I really think you need to fire your doctor. And cut them off. Tell them no more adderall!! Every adderall you take will set you further back into your depression. Just don't take a single pill ever again. Seriously. I've quit smoking, and I've quit adderall, and that was the key to both. I can't stress this enough: The longer you stay on adderall, the worse your depression will be in the long run. My heart goes out to you! Lots of hugs! We are here for you anytime

Welcome! You're in the right place. There are lots of articles on the site with info on quitting, and the lovely people in this forum can give you more specific advice. How long have you been quit?

http://www.ted.com/talks/stuart_brown_says_play_is_more_than_fun_it_s_vital#t-828199 All about the importance of play and playfulness in intelligence, work, innovation, creativity, and life in general. And yet another reason to stay off the adderall. Enjoy!

THIS.

That's so sad about your friend. Her mom probably has no idea what this stuff actually does. It's so surreal right? When you start watching other people in the adderall rabbit-hole from the outside, and recognize all the weird behaviors that you used to do. Or when reading the things people write on adderall, I recognize my former self and it's scary. Takes one to know one, as they say. Doing okay! Having a pretty unmotivated/tired/depressed day so I'm procrastinating work by hanging out here, eating cookies, drinking coffee, trying to get motivated. Thank you for asking

Congrats on 73 days friend! I think we all can relate to the depression, anxiety, empty, lonely, and sometimes hopeless feelings you're talking about. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be the same happy, excited, energetic person I once was. I worry that I damaged myself permanently. But those feelings usually only come up on my worst days. Overall I feel a hundred thousand times better now at almost 3 years than I did in the first 6-8 months. You will, too. You are so early in your recovery. What helps me is to force myself to do things and stay busy. Make plans for lunch with a friend in advance, and force yourself to go. Stuff like that. Whatever we do we CANNOT give up hope for a better future! Look up "neuroplasticity." People can even re-grow brain cells after a stroke. Someone said that in this forum once, that quitting adderall is like a stroke victim re-learning to play the piano. Kind of an extreme analogy but it has really helped me understand what we're up against. It can be done, but it's really frustrating because the things that used to work don't anymore....not right now. We have to re-grow those brain cells and re-train our bodies and minds. Also, this forum is the reason why a LOT of people have stayed clean. Quitting adderall is a unique and lonely process that few people in your "real life" will understand. But we get it!! Come post every day, as much as you want. Trust me, getting those feelings off your chest helps in the long term.

YES. Agreed. I think it needs to be illegal and on top of that, all manufacturing needs to stop so it's no longer even in existence eventually. I like the idea of putting the FDA into prison! The pharmaceutical companies and alcohol companies are making massive amounts of money off of the fact that cannabis is illegal. I'm pretty sure they're giving the FDA loads of money. For example, I have prescription sleeping pills with horrible side effects like possible kidney stones(!!), glaucoma, twitching, tingling, etc. I don't really take it cause I'm too scared so I just live with 3-6 hours of sleep a night these days. My dr. gives that crap to me like it's nothing. But in my state I can't legally go to the local dispensary for some medical brownies to help my insomnia, which would have no side effects except the high that I would sleep through anyway. FKADDERALL, it's awesome that you're quitting so young. That means your brain will recover more quickly than older quitters like me Just remember to never, ever take one ever again. I quit when I was like 20, and thought I would never take it again. I thought the same way we all do now. But then I took ONE 5 mg pill at age 26. That was ALL it took to start a major 3-year-long, significantly worse addiction and recovery. With every relapse, usually the addiction is worse and so is the quitting. So please learn from my mistake-- if you want to stay clean, you need to just stay away from the stuff for good! You're doing the right thing!

It's not your fault. There are physiological reasons people become addicted and nobody asks for it. But I really think it sounds like you have lost control and I am worried about you. I think you need to accept that you do not have control over this substance, and check into rehab. Your body is trying to tell you that you're hurting yourself very, very badly. Easy bruising is a sign of liver damage for example. Your vital organs, your heart and liver, and brain, are all hurting BADLY. They are begging you to get medical help!!! If you stop NOW then you can heal more than you imagine. But you have to stop NOW. As in, RIGHT NOW. Please?

You seem like a very caring person, if you are a parent and run a day care and are spending so much time and energy concerned for kids' and puppies' safety. A lot of adderall projects seem ridiculous, but come from a deep down genuine place. It sounds like you really care about kids, and animals, and yourself. If you really care about your kids, and your puppy, then you need to stop. Because a lot of the time, our actions don't just affect us, the affect others around us. By taking these drugs, you're turning into someone else, and removing your ability to care for your puppy and your babies. If you keep going, it just keeps going downhill.

While taking it and shortly thereafter, yes. Once I quit it went away and healed.

At least we can take comfort in the fact that no matter where you are or what the weather, it's always beautiful outside.

Thank you for sharing Doge. I'm sorry to hear you're going through all that. It's also refreshing actually to see that I'm not the only one who's sad. I'm sorry to hear about those financial setbacks. Ugh, sometimes I just hate money and the way it imprisons people. Do you mind if I join in the sad party? I've been super depressed these past few days. I just don't want to do anything but lay in bed, sleep, and cry. It takes everything I have just to go to work, or even just to go for a walk. I feel completely lonely and isolated and unloved. Things worse than my worst nightmares have happened to me in the past 2-3 years. I feel like I have so much love to give, and I just keep on getting burned and betrayed. Backstory, I lost my Mom suddenly almost a year ago. My therapist told me this is considered a "traumatic loss" because it was very sudden and well before her time. The anniversary of the last time I ever saw her already just passed. My best friend, mentor, cheerleader. I just miss her so much. I miss chatting and laughing with her, I miss her face and her voice, I miss her attitude and approach to life, I miss how we were always there for each other. I have no family anymore. And I am trying to accept that nobody will ever love me the way my mom did ever again. I'm under so much grad school stress with deadlines. Sometimes I think about pills, but mainly I don't want that kind of stimulation anymore. Is that a sign of how bad it is? I'm too depressed to even want them. I just want to sleep all day. How the fuck am I supposed to accomplish all of this? I am a week late now on this draft I have to hand in and I've had such bad anxiety about it, I haven't even been able to bring myself to send it to my advisor. Grad school is ridiculous. But, it's time for me to force myself out of bed and get to work and pretend to be confident and enthusiastic. Maybe I should take an acting class?

3 months is AMAZING! Those are some of the toughest months. Congrats!!!!! The first year was my hardest because the PAWS was so bad, the anxiety and depression were hell, and the temptation to relapse kept coming back. So when I look back at 3 months, I think of it as pretty early, but significant, in my recovery. Greg thank you for chiming in! I have not had or even heard of swollen ankles as a side effect. I am so sorry to hear about that. That is a super crappy side effect I've never heard of! (Gosh, do the bad effects ever end??) That said, I have had a whole host of my own horrible side effects, some of which included weird swelling in my fingers and other areas. Raised blood pressure maybe? Adderall messes with your blood circulation, and that affects swelling. "Circulatory collapse"(???!) I remember was one of the black box warnings that scared me but I ignored it anyway. Glad you saw a dr. I really hope it gets better for you!!!! And in any case, nobody is perfect. You can just wear boots and stuff. Your recovery matters the most. Also, you might be being super hard on yourself! Can other people tell? Some of these effects on us are just seemingly never-ending, but they seem worse from the subjective standpoint than from the outside.

...Inspired by Greg! As promised, I'm going to post when times are good and when I'm struggling. I am currently facing an insane amount of pressure and now-or-never deadlines for grad school and my thesis. I am out of time. I have a huge deadline at the end of the month, which isn't really enough time, but it's do or die time. I can't let all these years of hard work go to waste. I need to get it together. And even with this looming pressure, I'm still only making baby steps of progress. I tell myself every day that I can do this, that I'm ready, etc. But then I start self-sabotaging by either procrastinating or feeling like a fraud and a failure ("imposter syndrome")-- like I really can't do this after all. And then I go do something else, or lay around in bed. I don't want to discourage anyone new. Getting clean from a chemical so toxic can only be a good thing. That said, although it's getting better, I am STILL feeling lack of motivation, lack of inspiration, and the desire to depend on other chemicals like caffeine to get me going. I am almost 3 years clean. Sometimes I wonder if I permanently damaged myself psychologically with this stupid, stupid drug. I wonder if I'm always going to have to contend with a mind that just isn't as sharp or flowing as it used to be. If I'll have this paralyzing anxiety, depression, panic attacks, occasional agoraphobia, and probably the saddest part of all, the anhedonia. The lack of ability to really feel and experience the beauty, pleasure and enjoyment of life-- activities, things, and people that used to be exciting, motivating, inherently interesting. I'm scared I'll never again be as inspired as I once was, before I fell back into the adderall trap. Or is it because I am grieving? I just started therapy for a major, traumatic loss within the past year., and had another loss the year before. I wonder if that's part of it. It's definitely part of the anxiety and depression. But there's just something about the adderall. I always have maintained hope that I would get better. That I would feel and experience and think even better than ever. But sometimes I wonder if adderall changed me forever, and although maybe I'm better than I was then, maybe I've recovered a lot, I'm still not where I want to be. And I'm not sure if I can ever be there. So, I've been feeling triggery lately. I am posting to remind myself why I quit, and that relapse is NOT AN OPTION. 2012, my final year on adderall, was one of the worst, saddest, most depressing times in my life. I was so depressed from abusing so much adderall for so long, I was "looking forward" to the "apocalypse." I was severely depressed, a hundred times worse than I am now. I was having massive panic attacks all the time, barely sleeping, living on smoothies and beer because I couldn't choke down any food, and taking way too much xanax and adderall. I was habitually begging all my professors for incompletes in most of my classes because adderall had started undermining my work. My thoughts got to be really disorganized and incoherent. I could no longer just write an essay. I would go off on tangents, I would get overly ambitious, I would get caught up in the details at the expense of the bigger picture. Even if I felt that fake adderallspiration, even if I felt like I was doing something REALLY PROFOUND, my work was all over the place and didn't lead very far. I would take craploads of adderall and sit there writing outlines obsessively, writing tangents obsessively, whittling down my word count obsessively because I had written over 50 pages of crap for ONE PAPER, or I would take the pills and sit there just feeling dumb and empty...hollow. I was a zombie and I was NOT THINKING CLEARLY. Or at all! I was MISERABLE, living in a self-created HELLHOLE, and I'm seriously surprised I didn't die alone in my apartment of either an overdose or choking (I came to a point where I had trouble swallowing food, and almost choked a few times while forcing myself to eat on adderall.) I was completely unable to enjoy ANYTHING in life. And that feeling of anhedonia is only slowly going away, even now. But it's getting better and I DO NOT want to ruin that!!!! Life is way too short! I am FINALLY finding little traces of inspiration and momentum, and these are GENUINE. They are MINE. MY THESIS IS MINE. It is NOT and will NEVER be a product of Shire!!!!!! I will NEVER have to question whether I wrote it or if adderall wrote it, because I WILL HAVE DONE IT MYSELF. And in the process, I am learning how to focus, and write and overcome the resistance, and be productive even when it feels like pulling teeth. I CAN DO THIS. AND I WILL. And Shire will not make a dime off of my project!!!!!!! Okay, I'm going to take all this anxious energy and go follow my own anti-perfectionist motto: MAKE IT CRAPPY!! REALLY REALLY CRAPPY! I'm going to go write the crappiest thesis proposal this school has ever seen! Because as they say, "the ratio of something to nothing is infinite." I am going to go produce SOMETHING. I AM READY AND I WILL OVERCOME EVERY HURDLE IN MY PATH. NOBODY AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME.

AlwaysAwesome, I have been in way too many long term relationships with both men and women, and I could give you LOTS of info or a list of previous issues I've had. Abusive relationships, healthy relationships, dating addicts and alcoholics and adderallics and codependent people, times when I messed up, times when I was betrayed, cheating, attachment issues, you name it I have been there. But my current relationship-- My best friend and I got together over a year ago and we have such an amazingly happy, solid, healthy, and very special relationship. OK I don't wanna get all sentimental here but I'll just say it's super healthy because we get each other, we accept each other fully, we laugh a lot, we have great conversations, and all of this was built on the healthy foundation of a true, long term close friendship. So we both knew what we were getting into! My only complaint is that I go to school about 5 hours away. But despite that, we spend a lot of time together, he often telecommutes from my place, we take turns visiting, stuff like that. It's hard, but not that bad, and not the kind of long distance relationship where you have no idea what this person is actually like (been there, done that!) Feel free to message me if you want to hear more about my lifetime of drama!!! I'm happy to help you and anyone out on relationships, they are TOUGH.

FKADDERALL, you do NOT have to live this way! It sounds like you need to quit for good. Everything you're describing is very common among people who are abusing adderall or quitting. The anxiety attacks, depression, psychological weirdness, feeling dumb from taking it (or from not taking it), shattered self confidence, dulled emotions, etc. When you recover more, you might find your emotions becoming especially sensitive. The self confidence and depression are things you will need to work through, you'll have good days and bad days, but know that it IS related to your quitting and it DOES gradually get better. Your brain is going through a physiological healing process. Let it happen. I do not think coffee is an issue really. I wouldn't worry about it for now. A lot of people find it improves their mood. Usually I have one or two cups per day; and it has to be early. Otherwise I get anxiety and insomnia. You have to learn how your body reacts to different things now that you're clean. Give it time. Adderall is serious stuff. Everything you are going through is NORMAL for an adderall quitter. Congrats on 60 days! That's huge!! Think of this as a new awakening for you! You've been on these horrible pills for so long and now you're finally free--- with your whole life ahead of you!

Hey clinx! First of all, big props to you for posting when you needed encouragement. That's hard to do, and super important. You can get that diagnosis, and the extra time and ALL the other privileges entailed, without meds. Nobody can force you to take medication. But your school IS legally required to give you the extra time you need. (That's really what us so-called ADD/ADHD people need-- extra TIME. Along with good nutrition, exercise, sleep, and avoiding things like excessive booze.) From what I've seen, students with an ADD/ADHD diagnosis can also get extra time on papers, quizzes, etc. You could probably get incompletes way more easily (rather than pull all-nighters to get stuff done.) There is NOTHING wrong with needing time! There's a whole list of accommodations you'll get, and a letter you can hand to your prof's every semester. Speaking from personal experience, they will thinking nothing of it; it's their job to make those accommodations, and they see it all the time. They don't care. You'll have to do all the same amount of work, but they legally and morally have to make the course an even playing field for people with "disabilities." It sounds like you deserve it, considering the kind of paralyzing anxiety you're talking about. (I get it, too.) That's my long way of saying, I think it's a REALLY good idea to get a diagnosis and go through your school's ODS so you are protected and have these rights. I think that's a healthy route. So, you need the official diagnosis. Can you get it from a psychologist, rather than a psychiatrist? It would be much less tempting. That's probably less common, since most people who get diagnosed want speed pills. But it's prob worth looking into, especially because a psychologist might be able to help with anxiety and focusing techniques. Your school probably has a list of local psychologists they can recommend who specialize in "ADD." But if you just go onto psychologytoday.com, you can find LOTS of therapists who specialize in ADHD. Or, like AlwaysAwesome said, just tell the psychiatrist no meds for you! About the friend situation. Personally I have cut off my suppliers, and although i know people on speed drugs, they don't know I know and I am too scared of the stuff to even consider asking. Your friend might not be willing to share. But I'd say something anyway, maybe about how you had a bad spell with it and how much better your life is after quitting. What's your plan for when you get tempted to ask your friend to share? What's your plan for when the temptation to get a new script arises? We addicts need to protect our cleanness like our lives depend upon it.

Honestly, I don't know of anyone who has successfully tapered. Especially if you have abused it. Cold turkey seems to be the way to go. I imagine your brain would start healing gradually and producing/re-sensitizing itself to dopamine during a taper. That's probably why people quit all kinds of psych drugs on a taper. But your brain also heals cold turkey (probably faster.) I'm pretty sure all those brain chemicals you mentioned are involved, including serotonin. Light at the end of the tunnel has no definite location but I imagine that having been on those pills for so long, your journey might be a longer one. I am not sure. After 6 months I felt better, at 9 months, at 12 months, at 2 years..... I'm at 2 years 8 months now and I feel better but still deal with depression, motivation, etc. I took it for a total of like 5-6 years of my life (with a quit in the middle.) Sorry I can't be more helpful. But my vote is cold turkey. And I wish you luck in your journey Welcome!

Hi SweetCaroline! Welcome back! Sorry to hear about that dark place you were in, and sorry to hear about your ex bf. Sounds like you've had a rough few months! It all sounds like learning and growing and positive changes in the end, though. Sometimes we just have to get through these times. Also congrats on going vegan! I consider myself a vegan-wannabe It really is the best!

Congrats on 7 months!!! Wanna clean my house too?