BeHereNow

Since you are the partner of an adderallic, make sure you're being treated as an equal in your relationship. Don't let anyone treat you as if you were inferior, or say things that undermine your sense of self-worth or intelligence. Don't let yourself be "narcissistic fuel" for anyone else's adderall world. It only fuels their problem in the end, while undermining you and your relationship.

When I was on adderall, I could hardly even keep up with my own thoughts, and others definitely had trouble keeping up with me a lot of the time. I definitely felt like my thoughts were smarter/faster/superior to others', that I had more going on in my mind than other people could "understand," that my ideas were elaborate, deep, and extremely important (but also never good enough.) Now looking back, I see that this was a serious kind of narcissism. Adderall feeds this kind of narcissism and it can become a kind of intellectual arrogance. I can see this trait now in people who take the drug vs. in people who don't. I had a level of self-importance that led me to undervalue other people, their ideas and thoughts and feelings, and their roles in my life. I didn't adequately appreciate things others did for me, or them just being there as good listeners. I know better now, but in a lot of areas my life has been permanently damaged by this phase, even now that I'm quit.

Hey Frank, Just wanted to reach out and let you know you're not alone in this struggle. The exact experiences of anxiety and depression are different for everyone, but they're really common with people quitting adderall. I don't know if anxiety and depression lead people to want (or think they need) adderall, or if it's vice-versa, or both, but I think it might be both. I think it's awesome you're doing this without meds. This will get you to the root source of the issue(s) faster. The most common suggestions tend to be therapy, meditation, exercise, and diet. There is truth to this, but I won't dwell on it. I find that diaphragmatic breathing is useful too. It's something I've been working on lately. As a long-term anxiety sufferer, I find that my anxiety, depression, and sleep all fluctuate over the course of any given month or year. Life changes and so do my mind and mood. You might be going through a phase when stress/anxiety levels are especially high right now, especially if you're going through early stage quitting and financial stuff. Just know that as you work through this, you WILL get beyond it. Talking it out or writing about it (like by posting here) helps too. Getting out and interacting with people rather than staying in helps me to get out of my head. The more productive I am, the less anxious (in general.) But then when the anxiety gets debilitating and unproductive, it becomes a vicious cycle. Ultimately, with things that I need to get done, the kind of stuff that keeps me awake at night like work and money, I have to just tackle in order to resolve the anxiety. Taking steps towards resolving issues seems to be the only solution sometimes. Hang in there, focus on your long-term goals and the things that matter most to you, like your kids. It sounds like you're on the right track, and you might never be in such a dark place again as long as you stay quit. In hindsight, early stage quitting adderall really is one of the hardest things to get through from an anxiety and depression perspective.

Yeah, I remember those days. But then I used to over-exert myself on adderall and get sicker in the end. Now I just listen to my body and rest if I need it! Feel better!

Thank you so much for sharing this amazing post LilTex. I haven't been on the site in awhile and this is one of the best things I've read all day. You are an inspiration to so many people! I am blown away by those stories. I've been going through a rough time lately and it helps to hear about how much adversity and pain people can overcome. I recently gave up on my plan to try learning moderation, too. Some really bad things happened and it was a wake up call for me that I just cannot drink. I was born this way. It's in my genes-- my body doesn't relate well to it. (Or any substance, really.) I had done a few sober trials on my own, but always slipped after a month or two. Then I was working on moderation-- nope, that didn't work either. So now I'm one week sober and I feel really good about it. I started doing AA. We were doing a reading and one line that struck me was about how alcoholics tend to be very smart, hardworking, energetic, work-hard-play-hard kind of people. I am definitely like that, and a LOT of addicted/recovering people are. It's almost like the flip-side of the coin-- the dark side, the compulsive side. I think it's very true of adderallics, too. We can use our energy for running marathons or writing books or running businesses, or we can get caught up in the endless merry-go-round of addiction. Sometimes we have to fight hard to stay away from the darkness. But it's so worth it. There is a purpose to our lives, and I don't regret any of it. I've learned and grown so much through trial and error. Even if we may have fallen far, "those who have not fallen cannot walk."

Yeah, adderall ruined my sex life for awhile, too. AND on top of that, considering how sex is crucial to intimacy in a healthy relationship, I ruined my relationship that way. Never again. It seems pretty common for people to want "alone time" and fear intimacy while taking adderall. I am 3 years quit. I take Wellbutrin (which helps with libido, among many other things!), and try to minimize the Zoloft. So I'm still figuring out the balance. BUT. Working out helps too!

It didn't really feel like much of anything, but yesterday was 3 years clean from adderall. I barely ever think about the stuff anymore. I wouldn't say that I'm back to my "old self" exactly, but in terms of adderall I think Im just kind of beyond it, like I've reached a new stage of my life. I am dealing with other life stuff now. Nothing's perfect. I'm still depressed but I don't chalk it up to adderall anymore, even if it might be. I still have anxiety and trouble focusing, but I don't chalk that up to adderall. I don't want to give any of my mental attention to speed drugs anymore. I'm working on skills-based approaches, and it's helping. The thought of taking that crap scares me to death. I passed my dissertation proposal and qualifying exams this semester without the crutch of speed, and I wouldn't have wanted it otherwise. Because now I KNOW that I am capable. Just plain me. It has been a roller coaster and quitting has coincided with some of the worst events of my life. And if anyone quit at what seemed like the "wrong" time, it was me. But whatever. I made it to the other side now, and life is so much more beautiful now. If you are new to the site, the life available to you is better than you can even imagine from within the speed trap. <3

Thank you for sharing this. Most people need to take the cold turkey route when it comes to adderall, but you are the exception to that rule. A lot of people come on here seeking advice for tapering and if it works with anyone-- most people here say no, it usually doesn't work. So, thank you for sharing this for all the newbies!

Why is it so terrifying to quit? This question is worth exploring for everyone-- and I think it's amazing that youre doing so. These fears kept me hooked on speed drugs for years. I'm almost 3 years clean now but I still deal with anxieties, fears, etc. The same fears that spoke in my head saying: "You're not good enough. You need speed drugs to make up for what you naturally lack." I'm working through drug-free coping skills now. I don't have a crutch anymore. And I am myself again. That is why I quit, and these are the rewards I attained by facing my fears. Your life is your own. I just wanted to share my experience. D)

You rock Scott! I can tell you're going to get this!!!

Oh great point Sleepy!!! That kind of mentality can easily justify a relapse. Zoka, congrats on quitting, and on getting that incomplete! You are so blessed to have understanding professors, and I think the right choice is to talk to them. That's amazing that you have a supportive partner, too! Adderall can make it increasingly difficult to focus, like you're describing. That happened to me at the end, too. I quit (against my will) during winter break (December 30, 2012), but that was only a week before starting the most intensely challenging semester of my entire life. So I slacked off a lot and did the bare minimum for a couple months, and I took two incompletes that spring. But I did it. I had to humble myself and go to my professors for extra help every week, but I still did it. I can tell by your voice that you will, too. So, for now and for next semester (since quitting takes time!), I'd really recommend staying close to your professors. Personally I never told them I was quitting, I just asked for extra help. That's what got me through it. Within two months I went from being all high and mighty on adderall, to walking into my prof's office and telling him that it's all Greek to me. It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. And, my GPA went up. That quitting semester, I had a higher GPA than any adderall-infused previous one. I'd say, do what you have to do, but like Sleepy said, make sure you don't let quitting adderall become a reason for quitting school. I love your partner's advice to just rest. In recovery there will be hard days, and you can ALWAYS come here to vent. But in a way it's kind of enjoyable to finally just let go of it all, all that pressure, all the poisons that are stressing out your body and mind. It's all contrived. Just relax, watch movies, and eat delicious food. I'd say treat yourself like royalty during this time. Most people get through school and life by slacking off and procrastinating anyway

Hey Zoka, I just edited my post (above) and I really clarified my thoughts on this. I am NOT a doctor. But I want you to know I empathize with the need to quit when academic pressure is high. You can message me if you want. I might be able to help since I'm in school, too. It sounds to me like you are very anxious right now...? I mean, you have a lot going on, so it's understandable! Finals time is anxiety provoking enough! And quitting adderall is pretty terrifying. Each of those has its own tricky route to navigate. Plus, most adderallics have perfectionist tendencies. Unnecessarily perfectionist tendencies that automatically assume we aren't good enough. Finals time? Quitting adderall? Nothing you can't handle!!!! It's a matter of timing everything right. And prioritizing. What's your main goal? Or, goals? Short term, long term? You're going to do great And you already are!

Hey friend, I understand SO well what you're saying. You feel like you need them, could benefit from these pills, yet that you also need to ditch them. The ambivalence is horrific! Honestly, whether it has been drugs or relationships or any other activity/habit/aspect of my life, I've decided that if I have to even ask if it's right/okay, then something is usually very wrong for me in the end. Honestly, though, and some people on our forum here might disagree with me on this, but in your case, with finals and such, after thinking it over, I wouldn't even try to quit until you're done with the semester. You probably don't want that major life transition/rupture right now. Unless you're experiencing amphetamine psychosis or seriously ruining your work by taking it or having heart issues or something major, usually it's easier (and more successful) if you quit when you have some time off. Again, though, this really depends on how it's affecting you. (ntensely edited post!!)

Hey doge. I'm sorry to hear you went through all that. I've been there so many times too. One thing that helps me when I'm being too hard on myself, or can't forgive myself for something, is to ask: If my best friend did the same thing that I just did, what would I think, say or do? Is it really THAT terrible?? Would I beat that person up the way I beat myself up? Or would I be more compassionate? In your self-talk, try using "s/he" instead of "I." If you try talking about yourself in the third person, even just for a minute, it can help put things into better perspective. It will help you to be a better friend to yourself.

It's been over 5 years since I quit. I'm safe from becoming addicted again. Just one pill won't hurt. It's only a 5 mg pill. The smallest dosage available. There's no way I could become addicted from that small amount. It probably won't even do anything. I hate adderall. I think it's disgusting. I would never become addicted again. I have this major project to accomplish. That one 5 mg would really help me just get it done, with no major consequences. (Following the 5 mg one-time trial and contemplating full blown relapse): I'm starting grad school soon. There's no way I can live up to that work load without it. It will help me get fit and lose weight. I want to make a good impression. I'm definitely not as smart as my peers. I only got accepted into grad school by luck. I'm actually an imposter and I don't belong here. But I have to do really well. So I need as much adderall as possible. I definitely have ADD/ADHD. I can't afford to get a "real" diagnosis and I never got one. The only way I got to where I am today is from taking adderall illegitimately. So I should just continue this path. I just need some to get through finals time. I'm messing up so badly in school, I just need a couple weeks' worth to get me through and that will be it. I feel like my brain just isn't working. This is so frustrating. What if my brain never works again without it?

Zoka, big hugs to you!! And congrats on knowing it's time to quit! I think it takes a lot of strength to see a dr for all your adderall related symptoms. Most people just ignore them because they don't want to face the truth or be told they need to quit. At least you KNOW that your heart is still strong, so you don't have to live with the anxiety of wondering!! If you want to be 100% clean, you need to cut off ALL ties with your prescribing dr. Tell them you are an addict and that you want no more adderall ever. These prescribing dr's tend to be a little too prescription happy. I know of one who is now under federal investigation for over-prescribing. Back when I first quit, I went on some trips without adderall. It was way better without it. Trust me. Leave the pills behind and enjoy your experience. You'll be tired, but you'll be more present and sociable. And you'll get to enjoy one of the best parts of travel--the FOOD :) There is so much more to life!!! Welcome!

Glad you're back FW!!! Time to quit for good! :)

Congrats on realizing you need to quit now. You need to accept it and just do it. It's only downhill from here.....

Thanks friends!!!! Cassie-- I'm studying history

Seriously, sugar is the ENEMY!!! Watch the documentary "Fed Up"-- it talks about how sugar is even more addictive than cocaine!!!

It's okay. I felt slower in the first 6 months or so. And people DID notice at first. I got a LOT of work feedback asking me to speed things up! This is also a symptom of anxiety and depression apparently. It's one of the questions I always have to answer when I see my psychiatrist-- whether I move/speak either too quickly or too slowly. At this point, it's always a no. You'll be back. But you have to keep on staying clean if you want your vocabulary and command of language to return full force-- in fact, I would be willing to bet you'll be even better than before I'm a writer and a teacher and you know what? Sometimes we ALL struggle to find the right words. That's just how language works! Pausing while speaking or writing is OK!! In fact it can work to your advantage! You are rebuilding neural connections and stuff. Hang in there!

Greg you are awesome!!!!! I do only basic powerpoints. And I hate hate HATE excel, every time I try to use it I mess something up with all its crazy command functions and stuff. I avoid it at all costs so I have no idea what you must be going through!!! BUT I know that it's a very useful tool, and not just for work. People use it to help them be financially responsible for example. I wish I could be like that! It probably has a very steep learning curve. Maybe that's what you're facing. I bet it's the kind of thing that becomes EASY once you master it!!! And you WILL!

....Is happening for me right now. For the next 3 days I'm taking a huge exam based on years worth of work for my credential. Ugh, grad school feels like hazing sometimes. I can't even imagine what a wreck I'd be if I were still taking speed. It's still scary, and part of my mind still goes there, like how much more I could accomplish (NOT)-- so I'm going with coffee and self-care to get ready instead of pounding tons of pills. Wish me luck friends!!!!

Hey there, welcome! I echo the idea of raising your wellbutrin dosage and telling your dr. that you want to never be prescribed adderall ever again. For people who abuse the stuff and run out early every month, cutting off your suppliers is the only way to make sure you quit for good. I didn't quit until I was cut off, and I know that's true of a lot of people. Probably the reason you are only prescribed 150 mg of wellbutrin is because with adderall in the mix, it's a dangerous seizure-provoking combo. 300mg is the standard dosage. I started it at 6 months after quitting and it's helped ENORMOUSLY. Give it time! You'll gradually have your adderall-free life together and it will be so much more beautiful than you can possibly imagine right now. :)

When I quit, I went off the deep end with alcohol. Like, more than you're drinking, on a daily basis. It was really bad, and it lasted for months. I called it "partying" and feeling free/single/off the chain at the time, but really it was a substitute addiction. And where did it lead me? Deeper into the alcohol rabbit hole. I eventually learned I was developing a problem with it and needed to learn moderation. It's something I actively practice now. If you sense that you're developing a problem with alcohol, there is an old piece of truth: alcoholism is a progressive disease. If this is becoming an addiction, then those 2-3 glasses easily become 4-5 or a whole bottle.....or two......