ashley6

I probably won't keep this up long for privacy, but it's so sad to see what I looked like in my abusing days. I truly fit the definition of what a speed addict would look like. I had just woken up, but my eyes look empty, and I was skin and bones. I thought I was getting away with being a drug addict, but now I see how obvious it was!

Thanks for sharing your story. Elton John was a cocaine addict for many years, and I was told he was afraid to quit because he didn't know if he could perform without it. My counselor told me that story. I saw his concert within the past couple of years, and the man rocked it out for 3.5 hours straight. They say he's better than ever now. I understand your fear of losing your passion. There's a chance it could happen, but I would guess it would only be temporary since you have such a love of music. Adderall gives us false confidence, so quitting does entail learning how to be confident in our own skin all over again. I used then abused adderall for 7 years. I had no passion for anything for at least a year. Twenty one months off of adderall and, it's starting to come back. Everybody is different, but for the most part, many of us suffered from anhedonia and loss of interest in most things for a period of time after quitting. (Not to speak for anyone else, just from the posts and discussions we've had on here). The good news: the REAL, authentic, genuine YOU will come back and there's a lot of peace in that. While relearning how to live life without being amped up on adderall is difficult, the journey is worth it! You can do this, and you will be a better you because of it!

Awesome, zerokewl! Good job! That's a lot of miles to walk (especially with crazy weather). I'm curious....have you noticed an improvement mentally or in general since you started getting exercise?

Check in day! I got my 12 miles in this week!!! I'm very happy about it How'd everyone do?

Thanks for all of the feedback. There was some good advice from you all. To answer your question, my major was human development/family studies. I thought I wanted to go into social work, but I don't know anymore. I also thought I wanted to work with people dealing with addiction, but I don't know on that either. I wouldn't be surprised if I get a job completely out of my field. We shall see! I'll be keeping you all posted/asking for advice

Someone in my family has a prescription for Vyvanse and to this day when we're together, a year and a half later, I ask her to make sure they are nowhere in my reach or sight. The powerlessness I have over those pills and always will, is real. I think about recovering alcoholics and how hard it must be with the constant easy access.

I really think everyone is different in regards to having pills around after quitting, as you can see from the responses, but I personally believe getting rid of them is for the best. There are bad days in recovery and not having easy access would be more ideal. I had NO control when adderall was around me; therefore, I quit after I ran out of pills. I think figuring out the reason why you don't want to part with them is important. It it's anything like "what if I need them" then they should go, in my humble opinion.

If you've put 64 days in, you CAN get through this day without it. Ally, if you consider yourself addicted to prescription stimulants, abstaining from use is what it takes to break the cycle of addiction. It can get VERY tough, I know. Plus, getting through trying times when you want it and realizing you can get through it without adderall/Ritalin/Vyvanse...whatever it may be, is going to strengthen your resolve to stay quit and give you confidence that YOU can accomplish things without it. Is quitting your goal? 64 days is still very early in recovery. Things will get better! That's my two cents.

Blue diamond's almond-coconut milk beverage sounds great. I want to try. Is it at any grocery store?

I love your thoughts on optimism! I should start focusing on working on this. I'm not a total pessimist, but I am a worrier by nature, so optimism is a struggle for me. Great post!

Occasional, It's definitely that time of year. Take it easy, and I hope you feel better soon! InRecovery, YES, it's kind of terrible without headphones! I finally broke my two-week 0 miles streak. Did 6, ran 4 of it, and it felt fantastic. I'm doing it this week!!!

Ok, so I have done 0 for the week. I was getting pumped to walk into the gym (sitting in the parking lot right now), and I get in my trunk, and I forgot my flipping gym clothes. Soooo mad at myself! You guys rock!!! I've had a weird week mentally, and I think a huge part of it is from not running. Either I get 12 miles this week, or I'm coming up with a punishment for myself....and this is sad but true. No. More. Excuses.

So, as I finally finished my college degree (yaay!), it means it's time for me to start looking for a big girl job. I'm really nervous about starting this new chapter. Of course I'm dreading the interviews but more than that, I'm uncomfortable thinking about a 9-5. I haven't had to push myself much in terms of career since quitting adderall, so it's going to be a new experience for me. While I'm SO excited, I'm scared at the same time. I think it's a plus that I haven't been on adderall and worked a "big girl job," so it will be starting with a clean slate; however, it's going to be stressful. New chapters really are exciting, and I have no idea what I actually want to do, so I guess this is a time for me to find my niche, if that will ever even happen.! One more thing I find to be positive is I've been pretty complacent this far in quitting, and I'm okay with that, but I think change will be a good thing for me. I'd appreciate any advice for those of you who have been in similar situations (I know many of you have)!

Zerokewl, I think being honest when coming out of addiction is so important! I understand wanting to put on a brave face for people on the site (I've done that), but it's good to just tell it how it is, because you'll probably learn that you're thinking is absolutely normal, because I've thought that way many times in my quitting, but I got great advice from others on how to redirect those thoughts. You're doing great!

Zerokewl, I think being honest when coming out of addiction is so important! I understand wanting to put on a brave face for people on the site (I've done that), but it's good to just tell it how it is, because you'll probably learn that you're thinking is absolutely normal, because I've tho

Cat, Yes, I had the same train of thought. If I had to take pills to the pharmacy, it would give me an excuse to not get rid of them, because although maybe that's ideal for a non addict, us addicts think differently and can come up with any excuse to not chuck them. That's my personal experience, though, and I think it would feel awkward going to do that.

I've been spending a lot of time at my boyfriend's house (which is an hour away from my gym), so you'll all understand how excited I was to hear he's getting a treadmill! I'm really pumped because this will make getting my miles in so much easier!!! I thought my 12-mile club would understand my excitement about a treadmill

Congratulations, Occasional! One year is a major accomplishment, and I've truly been impressed by all you've still managed to accomplish in this past year. It took me basically a full year just learning to live without adderall (still am learning), so I look up to you for that. "The worst damage happened while I was ON adderall, and was BECAUSE of adderall." I couldn't agree more!! It was really great to read your self-reflection about your recovery. I'm so proud of you! Treat yourself because this is a major accomplishment!

Occasional, Congratulations on being done! I bet you're so relieved!

InRecovery and Zerokewl, Good work!!! I officially bombed this week with a big fat 0. Ahhhhh! This running New Year's Resolution is going to be for real. It'll help me find my motivation/dedication again. But no excuses, I just didn't go this week. And Cat too. That's good exercise!

Why does that bother you so much? I can understand you wanting him here. I think it would be cool, but I'm just grateful he created a site that has helped so many!

Merry Christmas to you too! Thanks for the Christmas card I hope everyone has a blessed day. I spent my day yesterday with family, and I continue to feel so happy that I can actually enjoy these times and be present. With adderall, that couldn't and didn't happen. Freedom from adderall addiction is such a blessing. I'm very grateful for you all!!!

Roseale, Welcome to the site. You've come to the right place. Your post really hit home with me. When you said adderall has basically become your best friend, I remember feeling exactly the same way. It's like having an evil, lying, backstabbing best friend that you just can't turn your back on....or haven't yet. Let me assure you.....there is hope. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could quit adderall.....it was MY LIFE. Adderall becoming our best friend is at the expense of having what I'd consider a life, more like an existence. When the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of quitting, you will make the decision to quit, and it sounds like you realize how much it is destroying your life. It doesn't matter how many times you've quit unsuccessfully. In fact, maybe you've learned a lot of what to avoid in order to have a successful quit, if you feel ready. I was regularly buying adderall illegally to support my on average 100 milligrams/day habit for a good amount of time before I quit. Something that helped me realize I needed to change my life is when I was in counseling one day discussing the illegal and immoral things I was doing. I said, "this isn't who I am." But in fact, it was exactly who I was. I was a junkie who was selling my soul to get high off of adderall. I believe there will come a time when you get to a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, and it sounds like you're there. While the journey of quitting is to be blunt very fucking painful, it's so worth getting your life back. Recovery from addiction is a day at a time, and I'm so grateful for every single day that passes that I'm adderall-free. I have so much faith that if you choose to fight this battle and quit, you CAN do it. It's worth it. You're worth it.

Oh my goshhhhh....my girl is here! I haven't even read your posts yet, but I saw your name and got super excited!!! Edit: just read your posts and am just so happy to read you're continuing to get better and do well. And girllllll, you look fabulous!

Wow...28.....nice work, sir!!! did 7. Not 12....again, but I am a little happy I did accomplish that after taking so much time off...one of my New Years resolutions....completely recommitting to this club for reaaaaal!