Doge

So I'm here again, day 1 of "the final crash". Thankfully I don't have to be at work until Tuesday. I've never shared my full story, but have on several occasions incoherently rambled about certain parts of it, as it seemed to be therapeutic at that moment. I focused more on what I wanted to hear. I was only really sharing the parts of it that I was ready to admit. I was just using this site to make myself feel better, but feeling better isn't going to solve my problem. In the interest of full disclosure, this post is quite long and I apologize for that. I feel like I need to get this out in writing while it is fresh, and also as some sort of symbolic start of a new beginning. TL;DR I confessed my addiction and cut off all access to refills. I read a lot of people saying they distinctly remember the first time they upped their dose. The scene in Requiem for a dream when the lady does this certainly hits home for me. I remember coming to the decision on a summer night around 11 o'clock when I began to feel the usual dose wearing off (I'm naturally a night owl and I work independently so it's not uncommon for me to go to bed around 4am). For some reason I just wasn't satisfied with what I had gotten done that day and wanted to keep going. I knew if I took another I'd be up all night. I felt that this was no big deal because I could just sleep later to compensate and then use more adderall later if I needed to fix my sleeping patterns. This way of thinking march marks the beginning of my full-blown addiction, and in fact my first binge. It was as if I could not bear the feeling of the drug wearing off anymore. I redosed every 2-3 hours or so until my little container was empty. After the first couple rounds I stopped even questioning it and it became automatic. Fortunately I only had about 200mg altogether or I might have just kept going until I OD'd and died. Of course after a couple of those redoses, I wasn't even being productive anymore. I was just sitting at my computer wasting time strung out like a speed freak. My tolerance was still quite low at this point, 15mg was my usual dose, and I only took it about 3-4 days per week. Because I hadn't developed a physical dependance on the substance, my "crash" was more like a really bad hangover. After about 2 days sitting around re-watching Game of Thrones and eating pizza, I felt more or less back to normal. Of course I felt kind of stupid for wasting my precious pills. I was more focused on the potential productivity over the next couple weeks that I had just thrown away. I mourned the loss of my stash, not the binge itself. Again, having never been even a daily user before, and since I had never done this before, I quickly recovered from the crash and felt fine. For the next few weeks I was about as productive as I ever have been before even having even heard of Adderall. I didn't know it yet but I would never again take the recommended dose (unless it was all I had). As soon as I refilled, the same thing happened the first time I used. As soon as it started to wear off, I redosed, and did this continuously until I was completely out. This continued for quite some time, before I was willing to admit to myself that I was addicted. Many years earlier I had learned about physical dependencies when I took prescription painkillers that had severe withdrawal symptoms when the prescriptions expired. I thought I understood addiction because of this, and that I was smarter than it was. The withdrawal symptoms were hell but once they were gone I never wasted a thought on the issue ever again. Whenever I would run out, I would swear never again to make the same mistake. This continued for several months before I finally figured out something was seriously wrong, and even then I assured myself it was just a red flag not the real thing. I continued this cycle for the most of the passed two years: 1) I would get a resupply, with 100% intention of taking no more than 1 in a single day. 2) Within a couple days or so, I would take my first one, and then keep re-dosing until they were gone. 3) Eventually crash between 24-36 hours later. 4) Recover from withdrawal symptoms, during which I would be as convinced as if God himself came down from the heavens and told me that I was addicted. I would swear to myself and him that I would never touch it again. 5) When the withdrawals ended, I gradually wrote them off as just blowing things out of proportion due to a bad hangover. No different than a wild night of partying which lots of people do occasionally. Roughly 25 days later start over. I think that maybe the rationale I used to delude myself was that each time I went through the withdrawals, and then live normally for most of the month, I convinced myself I had once again conquered my addiction (but also wisely cautioned myself against making the same mistake again). I didn't want to see the bigger picture and admit that it was one long addiction that I was falling victim to, and it was getting stronger every time I relapsed. Robin Williams said it perfectly, though this is not an exact quote (but close enough): "It's as if the smarter you think you are, the harder it is to see it happening. I've got an idea, I'll just take a little bit." The reality (as I see it now) is that I have trained myself to be addicted to the whole ritual, including the withdrawal symptoms. I can't even recall exactly when I truly figured this out, but I've had enough relapses since then to deduce that understanding alone will not be enough of a game changer to prevent continuing to relapse. I may be able to overcome this without help from others, but 1 ) I'm starting to doubt it. and 2 ) but why risk it? or even risk delaying it?

Thanks so much for sharing this. I am one of those newbies you are hoping to spark hope in. Objective achieved.

Awesome to hear you are doing great. Honestly I am so happy to hear success stories because one of the biggest problems I have as a newbie (and I think others probably share my feelings on this) is that I literally have no faith. Thanks for being an awesome example!

Breaks my heart to hear you say things like, your "dull self". Your true self is awesome and anything but dull (even if he/she is sleepy sometimes).

Don't forget - Even if the person you were responding to doesn't read it (and you never know that for sure), someone else might very well read it and gain from it.

A couple of weeks ago I made a post about relapses, frustrated at myself for failing to quit so many times (I have literally lost count of how many times I swore I would never touch the stuff again.) quit-once made a thorough reply full of advice and ways of thinking that I should adopt if I want to truly quit once and for all (thank you). Of course I relapsed again since then, and it is only the 3rd day since I quit. I really sincerely want this to be the real quit. But something has to be different than all the other times or I will just give in again. I feel like something truly is different because I distinctly remember walking out my front door a couple days ago (just having woke up from the crash) my whole body aching, sweat already coming down my forehead (it's winter...), and I smelled the fresh air outside and thought to myself, "as shitty as I feel right now, I'd take this over being high." I could say this because the feeling of being on meds was fresh enough in my mind that I could lucidly remember how *NOT* awesome it truly was. This epiphany is double-edged. On one hand I know 100% that I want to quit, but it is also a huge eye-opener on how addicted I truly am. If it wasn't even that good, yet I still desperately sought it out when a craving hit..... I just about called my "doctor" for another supply a few minutes ago, as I was already beginning to romanticize how great the little bastards made me feel. (JUST 3 days after I concluded to myself that I hate them 100%). Anyways I quickly came to this site to re-read about all the horrible unwanted pain I should damn well know I am going to endure, and I feel a bit more balanced out. My plan is that in an hour or so I will be eating snacks watching netflix and not tweaking out at my desk doing a million things at once, stressing about how long its going to take before I run out again.

I'm very sorry for what is happening both for you and your husband. I would have to second IFIHADKNOWN's post above. My heart goes out to you both. Those little capsules are demons but they can be overcome; people on this site are proof of that!

Sorry if this is off-topic, but I just wanted to say that after my first post here, I relapsed shortly thereafter and didn't want to come anywhere near this site because it just reminded me how much I hated myself for being so weak. Ever since I've been on and off the bandwagon many times, and I've noticed a close correlation between: A ) how frequently and earnestly I visit this site B ) how strong my cravings are and how convincing my inner addict is i.e. - when A decreases, B increases I'm going to make a point of visiting once per day, because you guys are all so awesome and encouraging. Thank you for caring so much about anonymous strangers.

I have been trying to rid myself of it for quite some time. The physical withdrawals to me are the easy part. Not that they are pleasant but that they keep in the frame of mind that I need to be in: - i.e. I know I am an addict and cannot use it responsibly. I also know it is destroying my life and will continue to do so if I allow it. I made it 2 months back in the summer time, and even got through one of my most stressful exams (successfully) during this time. I was eating better, exercising, looking better, feeling better..... etc. You'd think this would be exactly the reinforcement I'd need to imbue myself with the confidence to finally leave the drug alone. Instead, I celebrated and rewarded myself with a relapse, and haven't gone more than a week or two since without it. I definitely notice a correlation between resolve I'm feeling at any particular week vs how much I frequently I visit this site. It's like once a week has past, I convince myself I don't need help anymore. Anyways, thanks for the advice.

For those of you who quit for 4 months or more. How many times did you relapse before quitting? Or if its easier to answer, for what time period after deciding to quit did you continue to relapse before finally succeeding at walking away for good. I am sure this is a familiar story, but I feel I just change my mind after a certain point and decide I'm not addicted and my life will be better with adderall. Then sure enough I'll find myself strung out after an all nighter after doing half a months supply in 36 hours. I'll beat myself up and absolutely hate myself for it and start my "clean days timer" all over again. The reason I ask is that I want to know if I can even realistically do this or if I need to seek additional help. I'm afraid to do this because I there will be drastic consequences to doing this of course, so I would really prefer to do this on my own.

Awesome that you have been clean for a month. When you become a doctor you can warn your patients about the serious downsides to this medication.

Downtown Abbey!

Yes and I am easily frustrated, but the one perk to the early stage of recovery is each day is noticably better than the day before, and that is encouraging. Thanks for the support!

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