Doge

I notice it with my calves (is that how you spell it?). I can't feel it but if I stare at them I can watch them spasm non-stop. Very disturbing. I hope it calms down soon. AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaad it's 8am and I've eaten probably 1500 calories already over my first and second breakfast.

Have insomnia tonight, can't sleep. But I'm not thinking about adderall (except how glad I am I don't need it anymore). Just noticed something great though. I had this twitch in my eye that's persisted for the last month, and I was starting to think it might be a permanent consequence of abusing adderall. I noticed it start during one of my final binges. (I usually would get them in my hands but it would go away by the time the crash was over so I was never worried.) I just realized actually that I can't remember the last time I noticed it so it must have been several days ago. Fingers crossed I think it's gone finally. Was reading some articles about peoples experiences with adderall, and it reminded me about so many things I forgot already. That horrible pounding heart feeling that I usually wouldn't notice until the high wore off. "Oh God. This is it. I've done it this time. I'm probably going to have a heart attack and die. I should call 911, but would I go to jail? Maybe I should just ride it out." Next time that craving hits I'll probably forget all this or deny it to myself, lol. (It's not funny but what else can you do but laugh?)

Awesome to hear you are positive even when things aren't always perfect! Disposing of your stash is really impressive and displays immense commitment. I was never able to do that myself.

OMG this is so me lately, I LOLed at this so hard thanks for sharing.

Oh and the MONEY I would spend on stupid stuff like cigarettes. Doing convenience store runs halfway through binges and spending like 40 or 50 bucks on crap without even hesitating. Have not had a single cigarette during these 30 days nor do I even crave one in the slightest. It's a no brainer, haha.

Congratulations on breaking your new record. I won't try to give advice because I don't know your situation, but if I had pills available I wouldn't have made it 20 days without taking any. I wish you the best and hope you feel better! Keep posting.

My "cutting off my access" in my first post was a bit of a generous overstatement. I think it would be not too hard to play off my confession as no big deal and an overdramatization of things (hopefully I'm wrong but I'd rather never find out at all i.e. being strong enough not to try) Sorry for lying about this; I only meant to change the story enough to protect the integrity of this site, and not admit to anything I shouldn't legally admit to. After my first 30 days, physically I feel back to normal. Healthy eating, regular daily exercise, walking a lot (trying to undo the damage I probably did to my spine sitting hunched over a desk for 20 hours straight at times). Every day though at some point I will decide that I am going to get more adderall, and delay quitting for now. I'm clear headed enough to realize that I'm still addicted and absolutely quit, but all the logic in the world cannot fight that impulse at times it seems. And the inner addict is smart and adapts to its weaker position by manipulating me more subtly. I keep it at bay almost by just subconsciously promising myself I will get some eventually but not just yet. The triggers as I see it are times when I am feeling really weak. So alcohol is indirectly a trigger. It helped me cope with that general feeling of just not wanting to engage in anything during my second and third week, for the last week of my 30 day challenge I didn't drink at all, just got up early every morning and basically spread my 8 hour work day out from morning until night, with lots of walks in between, time for exercise, going out for coffee, etc. Guess what, got my first big challenge done work-wise, I had a 30 hour task take me 50 hours to complete because I was CONSTANTLY distracted and mentally exhausted. Gave up my saturday and it was a bit of a miserable week but I got through it by my own will. Anyways I indulged last night (beer) and today is sluggish as a result, and again I'm feeling weak. The booze has to be cut out for sure as it leads the hangover which is a craving trigger. I am just going to nap the afternoon away and try to beat down the stupid but oddly compelling feeling that adderall will save me from this. If I had some, the as soon as I took the first one, I would get a good solid days work done in the first 3 hours, and then it would be as good as fast forwarding time about 48 hours, and having me sitting there starting recovery all over again. Productivity-wise I'm much further ahead to just give 3 crappy days in a row and be 33 days clean instead. Emotionally I'm further ahead. Everything about my life has gotten WAY better. I'm totally obsessed with music, learning and playing, and listening to others. I am really taking off with a new instrument I haven't touched in months before the last couple weeks. I'm already starting to lose weight (though I'm still overweight from the initial two week eating/sleeping binge). Still waiting to feel better I guess. Though it does come in little encouraging, faith-restoring bursts here and there. The cravings are still a roller-coaster though. Thanks so much for being here and helping me through my first 30. Just re-read my initial story I posted a month ago and can't believe how quickly I forgot how horrible that day was. I literally spent the entire day writing that story with tears in my eyes (9 hours). I romanticize the high being better than it actually is. I trivialize how brutal the crash was. The worst part for me is not even the withdrawals or hangover so much as the heartbreaking guilt and fear of the grip that this drug has on me. It's so easy to forget this in as little as 30 days. "Oh yeah I'll just crash for a couple days then I'll be fine." Kinda ending this post on a low note but dwelling on the reality of what failure would look like is not such a bad thing. Emotion control might be place to turn to during manipulative cravings where logic seems to fail. Thank you all so much for helping me fight this fight.

Well, Day 30 confirmed. I still feel like I'm a ticking time bomb sometimes. i hope I can keep this up, and if I can it's only because of you guys. Thanks all.

Day 28 confirmed (and month 1 according to my ticker since i started inFebruary? LOL) Better day than yesterday by far.

puppies http://i.imgur.com/9TA7rIA.gif

Went for a refreshing shower and an evening walk and indulged in an evening of fine dining at Denny's. Getting away from the internet boosted productivity dramatically. Outlook significantly improved with fresh air. Walks are amazing. Day 27 coming to a close and essentially confirmed.

I don't know what I expected from this video. But by around the 28 minute mark I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

Thank you for your support. I specifically chose the turtle because it feels like it's taking forever. I am currently going through the week from hell and it is far from over. (The week (as in Monday to Friday) is 80% over but I'm far below 50% completion of what I needed to accomplish by Saturday. Tonight and tomorrow is going to be very hard. I've been fantasizing all day about popping a pill (but alas I don't have any...) I hope things will be better after this weekend, but I honestly feel like I'm just a ticking time bomb, and that it's just a matter of time before I break down and refill. I hope that if I can just make it past the two month mark I will start to feel like I have my head above water and will be looking forward rather than backwards. I feel like for some reason I had a week or so where it was really easy to be positive so I wasn't visiting this site much for a while. Sorry this is probably not the right thread for this; I just needed to bitch and moan for a bit.

Day 26 confirmed. Thanks so much Justin. It helps to think of all you guys and your success. Im some ways it's getting harder. I was thinking about adderall a LOT yesterday, and spent probably at least an hour plotting ways to get my hands on some. The bottom line is I have no access so it can't happen thankfully. All I know is I'm way happier not on it. But when those cravings hit... man... it's like I don't have a brain anymore. Knowing that I am accountable to you guys helps me so much. I would hate to think of you guys having wasted all that energy trying to encourage me just so I can willingly throw it all away and fail again.

Yeah as far as the doctors are concerned it takes "a few weeks" to get off of the drug and then everything should be back to normal.

Day 23 confirmed. My sleeping pattern is pretty much returned to normal (with the help of melatonin). More importantly, I usually wake up naturally after between 6-8 hours sleep. First 30 seconds or so right after I walk out my door each morning is pure bliss. Breathing in the cold fresh air just does something for me I guess. Right after that I'll begin thinking about adderall, how it would make this even *MORE* awesome..... I'm not REALLY addicted, not anymore...... maybe in a couple more weeks I can get some more..... You guys probably know how this goes. Anyway things are noticeably better than a week ago. Kind of getting back to my old self again.

Great job! Are you quitting or just taking a break? Naps are great. Like a long lost friend.

sick ( :< )

Really sad about your childhood experience. Liltex already said above what I was thinking. I can relate to the whole "DO YOUR HOMEWORK AT THE LIVING ROOM TABLE WHERE WE CAN SEE YOU AND YOU WONT BE DISTRACTED BY VIDEO GAMES" (and then try to do homework while your parents are yelling across the house at each other and the TV/radio is blaring. So happy that you found a better position to be in. Hope you post back soon. Keep us updated!

Awesome to hear! That's a good way to put it. It's totally parallel to a bad relationship partner that you know is destructive to you.

Day 19 confirmed.

I was having huge cravings today. Hardly slept last night, feeling low energy, grumpy, all around crappy day. Then I was hit with a little wave of happy for no reason this afternoon, even though I'm still tired. I really think the really intense cravings (like where you start to feel your freedom of choice and true intentions fighting to stay in the driver's seat) are sign of something good to come after. I hope I can remember that next time I have a shitty day.

Day 16 confirmed.

watching any good TV?

Day 14 and week 2 confirmed!