Doge

53 days confirmed. Thanks guys, last couple days have been so much better. I still have been thinking about it every day, but not like when I snapped. Been reflecting lately I think as I start to really wake up I am hit with the horrifying reality of what it took from me. What adderall offers is: "Hey I can make you stop thinking about that and escape from it again, if you just let me take the rest." Music has been a huge source of healing for me. It's been the source of most of my joy on the good days, and one of my last places to hide during the worst ones. I'm also learning to intertwining it with work in small time intervals, to rejuvenate myself and keep semi-engaged with my job.

Day 51 confirmed. Feeling way better now. I think I just hit a low point and reached out from desperation. If I hadn't have confessed my problem 51 days ago I'd probably be high right now. I'm glad I was denied and cut off. Thanks for the encouragement.

Day 47 confirmed..... Every day has been worse than the one before it seems. I finally broke down yesterday and asked for a refill and was denied. I feel sick to my stomach with humiliation. Psychologically I feel not that much different than during a crash. I guess what's what I wanted so badly... and now I got it. Update: Literally going through my crash ritual right now. Didn't even realize it until I had cleaned up a bunch of garbage and got a load of laundry started. (This is always how I would try to make myself feel better while I hated myself for relapsing). I feel so crappy right now, but at least I don't have an impending 3 day recovery period awaiting me tomorrow. Maybe this is what true recovery is supposed to feel like.....

Day 43 confirmed. Things are going fine over the last few days. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Yet the cravings are worse than ever and I can't help but feel like I'm going to cave. Sometimes I don't think it's my willpower that's keeping me from using, but rather it's my inner addict acting strategically. This is literally my thought process sometimes: If I were to ask for more adderall now, he would just say "No! You told me to cut you off!". I would have to convince him that I'm not addicted anymore. It's too soon for that. Wait a bit longer, maybe another month or so, and then act like you just needed a break. This is usually what I'm thinking during cravings, and then after they pass I am of course glad that I'm clean and glad I couldn't get any. But due to the nature of my situation, the longer I'm clean it feels like the louder those thoughts become. When I have work to do, and the energy to do it, I'm fine. But once I get tired and it's time to relax afterwards, that's when I feel the most vulnerable. I can't seem to take pleasure in just chilling out, doing nothing. Instead I think about work, and how I'm not doing it. I'm in this constant state of discomfort/guilt. I think that's why I found early recovery so much easier. I would just sleep through all this crap.

I remember feelings of bitterness and resentment towards people that invited me to do things. HOW DARE THEY.

Day 42 confirmed. Another weird dream with a much darker theme. I got my hands on a huge bottle full of about a 2 month supply. I was about to just start going mental and having a hayday when my best friend caught me and we had a huge argument. Eventually he gave up, and somehow pulled another stash out of his pocket. He threw it on the ground and it exploded with pills flying everywhere. I scrambled to the ground to start picking them up. I barely noticed him walking away saying to go find a new friend. I was just thrilled to add his stash to mine. That pretty accurately sums up my inner addict. I was really bummed out yesterday and spent half the day plotting to get my hands on a refill so it was probably not a coincidence that I had this dream. Saddest part was, when I woke up, I was kind of disappointed that it was just a dream.

Ditto!

I don't know your situation so I won't pretend. All I can say is that I think it's amazing you have been able to stay away from it for almost two years now (from looking at your ticker). As it has already been said above, it would be such a shame to throw all that away! Edit: One thought that just occured to me.... I am horrified whenever I read the Calvin and Hobbes comic on this site, for obvious reasons. The sad reality is that outcome (just getting hyper focused on productivity and literally ignoring everything good and pure in life) is the BEST possible outcome. I don't know about you, but whenever I take those pills I feel like I experience the WORST possible outcome (taking more and more compulsively, binging and spending time doing things that absolutely horrify my true self).

Day 39 confirmed!

Awesome success story! I went back and read some of your earlier posts, sounds like you are doing awesome!

The night of my first binge was the same night that I remember fully feeling the absolute uncontrollable NEED for more cigarettes so much that I walked an hour to the nearest store at 3am to get some. That is also the night I mark as when I became officially full blown addicted. Probably not a coincidence.

Yeah I barely have any friends right now. I didn't really piss anyone off or destroy any relationships (because I didn't have many to begin with) but eventually people just gave up trying to hang out with me and stopped calling. I'm still friendly with them, but we've drifted apart. And it's not as easy to repair those friendships as I would have thought before. Others have said it like this before me but I'm working on trying to look on the bright side. It's a chance to start new, as hard as that may be.

Day 37 confirmed. Had first adderall dream last night since this last quit. It was different: I somehow got my hands on a full script bottle and I had counted out exactly 4 that I was going to allow myself. Then I thought of you guys (even in my dreams this site saves me haha) and since I couldn't face falling again I put them back in the bottle and put them away. Then I woke up. That's not how my adderall dreams go usually.

I can't really add much to this but I at the very least in my case, having healed for about 2 months and then gone back on the drug was psychologically damaging. I feel like it was where I began to really question myself and whether I really had any say in the matter. I totally lost faith in my ability to quit and I went right back to crazyland for a good 3 months. I don't have any valid medical opinion but I do think you will get a great reward from breaking through that 9 month mark where you finally feel like you are making new ground. I could just be projecting my hopes and what I want to believe. Either way hang in there it is so awesome that you made it 6 months clean I am looking up to you!

Nooooooooo doubt! At first I wasn't concerned since I only smoked cigarettes when taking adderall. When I was using it responsibly, this was usually one or two smokes maximum, because they seemed to extend the duration of the adderall high. When the binges began it was more like 2-3 packs in 36 hours. Horribly disgusting. The binges were frequent enough (sometimes weekly) that someone else smoking 1/2 a pack a day consistently would have gone through less packs. Now that I quit, cigarettes gross me out just like they did before I ever tried adderall. My ticker below might as well be for both - the only difference is I don't crave cigarettes (or maybe the post-crash cravings for adderall are really for both). I wonder if the cigarette/stimulant combination makes the stimulant addiction stronger?

Congrats on 216 days from me also. I hope everything is OK with your doctor visit. You are inspiration! If the doctor doesn't suggest it, I'm not sure how old you are but maybe ask to have your thyroid tested?

I kind of lost count now so I'll just go by my ticker. 34 days sounds about right so I'll just go with that. It's give or take a day from that anyway. So Day 34 confirmed! Had a couple of cravings today but they weren't interfering with my reasoning too much and it was easy to see them for what they were - just bullshit. Love you guys.

Just thought I'd share. I literally got about 3 hours sleep last night, I went to bed around 11, and was up by about 2:30am without any hope of falling asleep (already whined about it in my other thread). Needless to say I was a bag of shit by 7am. But I went to work and went through the motions anyway. About 2 hours later I just couldn't do anymore. I snuck a quick 45 minute snooze right after slamming a HUGE coffee in my office (I don't think I actually fell asleep at all). But when I came out I was like a machine. Coincidentally I found this article later, suggesting there's actually something to this. Try it! http://lifehacker.com/306029/reboot-your-brain-with-a-caffeine-nap

I notice it with my calves (is that how you spell it?). I can't feel it but if I stare at them I can watch them spasm non-stop. Very disturbing. I hope it calms down soon. AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaad it's 8am and I've eaten probably 1500 calories already over my first and second breakfast.

Have insomnia tonight, can't sleep. But I'm not thinking about adderall (except how glad I am I don't need it anymore). Just noticed something great though. I had this twitch in my eye that's persisted for the last month, and I was starting to think it might be a permanent consequence of abusing adderall. I noticed it start during one of my final binges. (I usually would get them in my hands but it would go away by the time the crash was over so I was never worried.) I just realized actually that I can't remember the last time I noticed it so it must have been several days ago. Fingers crossed I think it's gone finally. Was reading some articles about peoples experiences with adderall, and it reminded me about so many things I forgot already. That horrible pounding heart feeling that I usually wouldn't notice until the high wore off. "Oh God. This is it. I've done it this time. I'm probably going to have a heart attack and die. I should call 911, but would I go to jail? Maybe I should just ride it out." Next time that craving hits I'll probably forget all this or deny it to myself, lol. (It's not funny but what else can you do but laugh?)

Awesome to hear you are positive even when things aren't always perfect! Disposing of your stash is really impressive and displays immense commitment. I was never able to do that myself.

OMG this is so me lately, I LOLed at this so hard thanks for sharing.

Oh and the MONEY I would spend on stupid stuff like cigarettes. Doing convenience store runs halfway through binges and spending like 40 or 50 bucks on crap without even hesitating. Have not had a single cigarette during these 30 days nor do I even crave one in the slightest. It's a no brainer, haha.

Congratulations on breaking your new record. I won't try to give advice because I don't know your situation, but if I had pills available I wouldn't have made it 20 days without taking any. I wish you the best and hope you feel better! Keep posting.

My "cutting off my access" in my first post was a bit of a generous overstatement. I think it would be not too hard to play off my confession as no big deal and an overdramatization of things (hopefully I'm wrong but I'd rather never find out at all i.e. being strong enough not to try) Sorry for lying about this; I only meant to change the story enough to protect the integrity of this site, and not admit to anything I shouldn't legally admit to. After my first 30 days, physically I feel back to normal. Healthy eating, regular daily exercise, walking a lot (trying to undo the damage I probably did to my spine sitting hunched over a desk for 20 hours straight at times). Every day though at some point I will decide that I am going to get more adderall, and delay quitting for now. I'm clear headed enough to realize that I'm still addicted and absolutely quit, but all the logic in the world cannot fight that impulse at times it seems. And the inner addict is smart and adapts to its weaker position by manipulating me more subtly. I keep it at bay almost by just subconsciously promising myself I will get some eventually but not just yet. The triggers as I see it are times when I am feeling really weak. So alcohol is indirectly a trigger. It helped me cope with that general feeling of just not wanting to engage in anything during my second and third week, for the last week of my 30 day challenge I didn't drink at all, just got up early every morning and basically spread my 8 hour work day out from morning until night, with lots of walks in between, time for exercise, going out for coffee, etc. Guess what, got my first big challenge done work-wise, I had a 30 hour task take me 50 hours to complete because I was CONSTANTLY distracted and mentally exhausted. Gave up my saturday and it was a bit of a miserable week but I got through it by my own will. Anyways I indulged last night (beer) and today is sluggish as a result, and again I'm feeling weak. The booze has to be cut out for sure as it leads the hangover which is a craving trigger. I am just going to nap the afternoon away and try to beat down the stupid but oddly compelling feeling that adderall will save me from this. If I had some, the as soon as I took the first one, I would get a good solid days work done in the first 3 hours, and then it would be as good as fast forwarding time about 48 hours, and having me sitting there starting recovery all over again. Productivity-wise I'm much further ahead to just give 3 crappy days in a row and be 33 days clean instead. Emotionally I'm further ahead. Everything about my life has gotten WAY better. I'm totally obsessed with music, learning and playing, and listening to others. I am really taking off with a new instrument I haven't touched in months before the last couple weeks. I'm already starting to lose weight (though I'm still overweight from the initial two week eating/sleeping binge). Still waiting to feel better I guess. Though it does come in little encouraging, faith-restoring bursts here and there. The cravings are still a roller-coaster though. Thanks so much for being here and helping me through my first 30. Just re-read my initial story I posted a month ago and can't believe how quickly I forgot how horrible that day was. I literally spent the entire day writing that story with tears in my eyes (9 hours). I romanticize the high being better than it actually is. I trivialize how brutal the crash was. The worst part for me is not even the withdrawals or hangover so much as the heartbreaking guilt and fear of the grip that this drug has on me. It's so easy to forget this in as little as 30 days. "Oh yeah I'll just crash for a couple days then I'll be fine." Kinda ending this post on a low note but dwelling on the reality of what failure would look like is not such a bad thing. Emotion control might be place to turn to during manipulative cravings where logic seems to fail. Thank you all so much for helping me fight this fight.