Doge

I'm really happy to announce my 3rd month clean. When I was around the 30 day mark, I was really feeling crappy about everything and deep down I just secretly wanted to get more pills - which just made me feel worse because I knew I couldn't get them anymore. I thought I was as recovered as I was going to get and it was going to just be self-loathing misery from then on out. I remember hitting a breakdown a couple weeks after that ( which I guess I just had to go through, and which is part of the process ) where I felt worse than ever. I even reached out to my 'doctor' (I suppose I can probably stop calling him that. The cops haven't been knocking on my door lately) and asked him to forget what I said about the addiction. Just sell me more please. When he bluntly refused I was overwhelmed with both shame and embarassment for showing such weakness and also despair as the reality sunk in that there would be no more pills. But after that things slowly got better for me over the next 6 weeks. In particular, the 60 day milestone was huge for me because that was more or less my previous record since I had become addicted. So punching past that wall was really empowering. My third month was extremely empowering. The following is the most important change for me. I'm sure you guys know what I mean when I say this - I still thinking about adderall every day, but it's different now. Something will trigger the craving. I'll start to imagine the rush of a pill kicking in, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I used to have these cravings and they would last for hours, completely ruining my evening with depression and anxiety. But now my brain has somehow trained itself to move on immediately to the inevitable result which is me sitting at my computer desk 48 hours later, heart racing, body shaking, eyes twitching, and me in tears as I lament the destruction and havoc I willing wreaked upon myself. The being high part in between is skipped. This seems poetic to me because it's not like I ever remembered that part anyways much more than a blur (and shit! it WAS NEVER THAT GREAT ANYWAY. The cravings are more like just fleeting thoughts now, brief interuptions in my otherwise more or less normal days. I may be overly optimistic here, but I feel like I am myself again, conversationally, socially, in terms of motivation levels.... The only issue facing me now is that last one, which is actually a negative. I am extremely lazy when it comes to work. I never want to do it and I am extremely un-productive. I am eating way better and exercising lots, I cut out the junk food completely now. I officially quit smoking weed two weeks ago which was hard for a couple days because I had come to lean on it as a crutch during recovery. But after the initial adaptation it was hilariously easy compared to the pills. I rarely drink now. And instead of spending my time smoking herbs or going to pubs I spend it in line at the grocery store or in the kitchen learning to cook new delicious healthy meals and snacks. All of these changes are fantastic and I'm really thrilled to share them with you guys because you made it possible. I've heard Narcotics Anonymous people say that a key step of their process is identifying the reason you first sought out the drug in the first place. If this is not done it will be the central reason for relapse. Well clearly my laziness is mine. It's the main challenge that lies ahead for me now. I'm choking up a bit as I type this as it seems surreal when I think about it. 3 months ago I would never have imagined I could get to where I am now. Thanks to all of you for reading and more importantly for holding my hand throughout this whole "painful but extremely rewarding" journey.

Congrats! That must feel great!

So awesome man. I'm happy for you and I have faith that you have the strength to overcome your struggles in time. On adderall life was fucked up but life was simple, horrible but simple. This is so true. I think this is why, without realizing it, the after-addy crash that inevitably follows binges *and not just the high itself* was a big part of the ritual that is addictive. You are extremely awesome and the hedgehog agrees.

Catsarebetterthandrugs: For a while I took (a friendly) opposition to your name because I misread it as Catsarebetterthandogs, hahaha. I only just now finally read it correctly, LOL

congrats alwaysawesome! it won't be long and you'll be celebrating a whole year you are a huge inspiration to me

OMG bloodlines is really good i watched the first episode like 20 minutes at a time for a few times because i thought it seemed pretty stupid, like really soap opera-ey. then i got sucked in and i cant stop

stuffed i ate waaaay too much soup but at least im not binge-eating junk food anymore

When, not if, but When you do finally stop. The feeling that you get after being off them long enough, beats the feeling of adderall. Because you know it's real and not chemically induced. OMG This is so true.

the whole lets type a story and pretend we're recovered is something that is only the case for the dependents, not the addicted. So true. I was well past dependent, and viciously addicted by the time I first posted here. I only lasted a few days and went right back to it. I lurked on these forums for 8 months before finally reaching out for help at home. This site helps me stay positive and hopeful when things suck. But reaching out for help locally in person was totally necessary for a lasting quit.

I think we've all been there. I spent years trying to recapture the "honeymoon phase", the time where adderall seems to solve all your problems and you can keep it under control. If it were possible to go back to this stage most of us wouldn't be in this situation. Don't be too disappointed; life is way better without it anyway!

Once I did my first binge, I was NEVER able to go back to using responsibly. I spent two years thinking I could. Thinking you can go back to using responsibly is what sustains the addiction.

I used to be so jealous of people who had a legitimate prescription because I thought they didn't have to deal with that stress and panic, whereas I was dealing with unreliable sketchy people who would 'no-show' and let me down when I was desperate for a fix. So you guys had to deal with the same things all along. Who knew? Anyways, so glad we are done with that shit!

Yeah it probably matters whether you smoked or not before you started using.

I kept taking them and got crazier and crazier til I was driving to get a pack of ciggarettes and I don't even smoke. I hear that. And then I'd smoke the pack in 3 hours and go get more. Disgusting. Just like you, I don't even smoke!

I think this is a great idea. Sorry if I get a little long-winded here. For legal purposes, the following story is fictional; I made it all up. 1.) How much do you/did you use throughout your dependency/addiction? I can break my usage into five time periods. Period 1: I bought 20 10mg XR from a stranger, and they lasted me 3 months as I only took them occasionally. I was responsible, but it didn't matter. I have an addictive personality and I was planting the seed for later, when stage 2 would start. Period 2: About 8 months later I was desperate in school (on academic probation) and I found a different stranger who sold me half of his prescription every month, and this continued for about 4 months using about 150-200mg per month. I used regularly, but responsibly. Period 3: About 4 months later, I reconnected with the same guy and bought *most* of his prescription from him every month for the next four months, so I was doing about 300mg per month. But here is when things changed. It was summer time and I was working on me own schedule, so I didn't use responsibly anymore. A quote from my full story (here) "It was as if I could not bear the feeling of the drug wearing off anymore. I redosed every 2-3 hours or so until my little container was empty. After the first couple rounds I stopped even questioning it and it became automatic. Fortunately I only had about 200mg altogether or I might have just kept going until I OD'd and died. Of course after a couple of those redoses, I wasn't even being productive anymore. I was just sitting at my computer wasting time strung out like a speed freak." I would go through 300mg in about 2-4 days, and then go without for the rest of the month. This continued for four months until he said he couldn't sell me anymore. I was partly bummed out and partly relieved because I knew something was up at this point. Period 4: I met someone else who had a HUGE prescription, and this is when my addiction began to truly roar. After about two months of this, I even reconnected with my supplier from Periods 2/3, so I was going through 800mg a month. Again, this is all in the binge fashion. 200mg one night, then crash for a few days and hate myself. Rinse/repeat. These were my darkest days. By now i knew full well I was hopelessly addicted. This continued for about 6 months. Period 5: My supply began to dwindle as I was asking them for more than they could supply. For the next 4 months or so I was doing about 200-300mg per month. Twice during the next 8 months I was clean for about 2 months but then sadly I relapsed, thinking I could handle it. By this point I literally would swear off ever taking it again because I knew I could not use it responsibly anymore. It didn't matter though, because anywhere from 2-4 weeks later, I would beg for more, and thus reignite the cycle.. 2.) How old were you/are you and how long did the use last? I am 30 years old (almost 31). The first time I tried it I was 27. I was officially addicted right before turning 29. 3.) Describe the justification you had for your use during this time and why it was false/true/is holding you back? "Next time I get them, I'll just take one a day at the most!" Every time I binge and run my supply dry, I would convince myself I was getting clean for 3 weeks and thus curing my addiction. I thought I would have a fresh start every time, rather than feeding one growing addiction. 4.) Did you have any health complications, short or long term, from your use? Explain. I don't think I had anything extreme, but I refused to visit a doctor because I was afraid I'd go to jail, so I'll never know for sure.. I had the usual side effects: pounding/irregular heartbeat, sweating profusely, anxiety, panic attacks. Towards the end of my usage (maybe about early January 2015), when I was just getting into my binge (maybe 40mg or so), I remember feeling intense pain in my chest. 5.) At what moment did you conclude you needed to quit and why? Honestly I knew I needed to quit long before this, but I had relapsed time and time again. After my very last binge, sitting in front of my computer in tears, reading story after story on the internet from people just like me, I was finally convinced that it didn't matter if I said I would never do it again. I knew that in just a few weeks, I would be out looking for more. I couldn't control it. I had to tell someone. Then I did. It was that simple and easy. 6.) Lastly(and most importantly), what advice would you have to someone who was JUST LIKE YOU WERE/ARE(as if 1-5 matched you perfectly) browsing this page on the fence about their use? For the love of God. Reach out for help. Help is out there. I don't just mean this site, or other sites like it. I mean, do whatever you have to do to make sure that you will be cut off from access to more pills. It is scary to admit weakness but it is infinitely better than the alternative. 7.) What would you tell someone who is planning on getting a prescription for themselves or maybe their kids? And why(if applicable) I honestly don't know what it is like to actually have ADD but I really don't think it's worth it. In reality I would probably say nothing because 1) it's not my place to tell people what to do and 2) I'd be to embarassed to admit what happened to me But between you and me, if you are reading this and are considering putting your kids on it, I'm literally absolutely fucking begging you not to. It may not destroy their life, but it will do way more harm than good. There are WAY better solutions out there, they just take more effort.

Amen to that. Gawd I was so fucked. Did 300mg in 24 hours one time and thought I was going to die. The only reason I stopped at that was because I ran out. Ugh.... it gives me the shivers.

We all are your friends. Feel free to vent as much as you want; we all share our experiences and stories here. From what you described, I understand why you want to wait to quit. Like I said before, there is nothing wrong with having a planned date to quit (as long as you are not unsafe amounts, of course. in that case I would recommend trying to stop ASAP). Many of the long term success stories sound like they thought long and hard about it before finally quitting.

Honestly nobody could be sure without being ( A ) being a doctor, and ( B ) giving you a health exam in person but from what you describe I think your main battle will be to overcome the addiction (like every single one of us here, don't worry we can relate to that!) but as for long term health you're young and active - your body can do miracles for you if you just let your brain rest and heal. You're probably in a better situation than MANY of us were when we first decided to quit. Welcome to the forum! Let us know how we can help.

Awww. That's a sad story. I like your positive outlook though.

Welcome to the forum! There is nothing wrong with being strategic about your timing and planning out your quit.

"Maybe that teacher was jealous of you and was trying to sabotage you. Don't let him do it anymore!" +1 This sort of thing happens between teacher and pupil quite often actually.

Rooting for you!

I also used adderall to reinvigorate my passion for playing music. In some ways, any activities you do on adderall are "taken" from you in some sense. But I really feel that they can be reclaimed in time. One thing I found really helpful was to start with a new instrument; one that you have never played while on adderall. I'm pretty early on in the recovery process myself, so take that with a grain of salt.

Don't condemn yourself or be ashamed. Adderall is extremely powerful. There's always tomorrow. By the way, please come back to chat if you want to vent; I'm listening! EDIT: I typed the above before reading your whole story. Now I have read it in full. I'm sorry to hear about your father and teacher. It's really tragic that people's words can have such power to damage someone else's self-esteem. The way you describe the compelling effects of adderall is all to real. You say you quit for almost a whole year? That's impressive to me. I've yet to be able to stay clean that long.