Doge

I'm watching this video every time I get a craving from now on.

That sounds exactly like the hell I was living for so long. And YES you DO deserve the credit. Even if it was against your will you still survived without it! I know exactly what you mean, as sick as it sounds the crash is almost as addictive as the high itself. It's like getting to continually hit a reset button on your brain and just pound everything stressing you out to smitherines. I remember even during the first day of the crash I still felt relaxed (well, my brain did anyway, my heart was still usually racing) and entitled to just lay around guilt free. But then another 24 hours or so and all the problems just come back, way worse. If you've got a stash left, flushing it is probably the only way you will avoid taking them eventually. That being said I was never able to do that; and if i had a stash now I still probably woudln't flush it -- I'd stare at it and resist as long as I could and then eventually cave. It's as simple as needing to make a decision between life and death. That's the crucial step. Once you get that far, tell your doctor you're addicted and he/she will cut you off. As for the street, it may be a bit more complicated, but there are ways to make your dealer scared to sell to you. Get yourself past the decision hurdle and we can figure out a plan I promise! Keep your head up! The battle is not lost.

First of all, congrats on 3 months clean. That is huge (if you ask me!). It proves you can do it. So you messed up! Don't let it get you down. We've all fell victim to the temptation to "it's ok in moderation, now that I'm clean and not addicted anymore..... i'll be responsible this time and space them out carefully. I'll get so much done!" Don't be too hard on yourself either, our inner addicts are manipulative and very good at convincing us we're not addicted. The allure and romanticization is extremely powerful. The good news is, now you know what it feels like to get clean and you can do it again! Use these forums lots! Tell you doctor what's happening! You don't have to die taking it. Just stop taking it! Cut yourself off or have someone do it for you! Before all, get some rest and replenish yourself with food/drink. Then afterward you can make a plan to deal with the cravings next time they hit. You have to plan ahead for them because once they hit us it's like we are a completely different personality.

That is so awesome!! Congratulations! Welcome to the forum.

oh and its totally up to you and is a completely personal choice who you want to admit things to. personally, not a single person in my family knows and i dont think i'll ever tell them. if they want to judge me for lack of productivity during this time, pardon my language but fuck 'em! they aren't paying my bills

yeah i think the way other people see it is like "ok it's been 1 or two months (or whatever) you're clean now, so go get your ass in gear!!!!" but the journey is soo much longer than that, and complicated. it's hard i wish I had advice to give

Expect to be like this for a while: It's really OK. Go easy on yourself and eat lots of your favorite snacks!

That's awesome!! Keep it up it only gets better!

My productivity and daily ass kicking of my outrageous to do lists has gone.. I am now down to sitting in a chair for hours perfecting my twitter bio. Oh god have I ever been there. I used to take one, work for about an hour, take another one, and next thing I knew I was going through a months worth of a script in two days play video games for 39 hours straight. You can stop if you want to and we're all here to help, best place to start is to go easy on yourself.

10pm what time zone? I'm a computer nerd so im around all the time i'll try to stay logged in more

those pictures are scary (but the ones with the organs lifting weights are very awesome)

I just looked into wheatbelly and it is not exactly the same but pretty similar to what I am doing.

I'm really happy to announce my 3rd month clean. When I was around the 30 day mark, I was really feeling crappy about everything and deep down I just secretly wanted to get more pills - which just made me feel worse because I knew I couldn't get them anymore. I thought I was as recovered as I was going to get and it was going to just be self-loathing misery from then on out. I remember hitting a breakdown a couple weeks after that ( which I guess I just had to go through, and which is part of the process ) where I felt worse than ever. I even reached out to my 'doctor' (I suppose I can probably stop calling him that. The cops haven't been knocking on my door lately) and asked him to forget what I said about the addiction. Just sell me more please. When he bluntly refused I was overwhelmed with both shame and embarassment for showing such weakness and also despair as the reality sunk in that there would be no more pills. But after that things slowly got better for me over the next 6 weeks. In particular, the 60 day milestone was huge for me because that was more or less my previous record since I had become addicted. So punching past that wall was really empowering. My third month was extremely empowering. The following is the most important change for me. I'm sure you guys know what I mean when I say this - I still thinking about adderall every day, but it's different now. Something will trigger the craving. I'll start to imagine the rush of a pill kicking in, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I used to have these cravings and they would last for hours, completely ruining my evening with depression and anxiety. But now my brain has somehow trained itself to move on immediately to the inevitable result which is me sitting at my computer desk 48 hours later, heart racing, body shaking, eyes twitching, and me in tears as I lament the destruction and havoc I willing wreaked upon myself. The being high part in between is skipped. This seems poetic to me because it's not like I ever remembered that part anyways much more than a blur (and shit! it WAS NEVER THAT GREAT ANYWAY. The cravings are more like just fleeting thoughts now, brief interuptions in my otherwise more or less normal days. I may be overly optimistic here, but I feel like I am myself again, conversationally, socially, in terms of motivation levels.... The only issue facing me now is that last one, which is actually a negative. I am extremely lazy when it comes to work. I never want to do it and I am extremely un-productive. I am eating way better and exercising lots, I cut out the junk food completely now. I officially quit smoking weed two weeks ago which was hard for a couple days because I had come to lean on it as a crutch during recovery. But after the initial adaptation it was hilariously easy compared to the pills. I rarely drink now. And instead of spending my time smoking herbs or going to pubs I spend it in line at the grocery store or in the kitchen learning to cook new delicious healthy meals and snacks. All of these changes are fantastic and I'm really thrilled to share them with you guys because you made it possible. I've heard Narcotics Anonymous people say that a key step of their process is identifying the reason you first sought out the drug in the first place. If this is not done it will be the central reason for relapse. Well clearly my laziness is mine. It's the main challenge that lies ahead for me now. I'm choking up a bit as I type this as it seems surreal when I think about it. 3 months ago I would never have imagined I could get to where I am now. Thanks to all of you for reading and more importantly for holding my hand throughout this whole "painful but extremely rewarding" journey.

Congrats! That must feel great!

So awesome man. I'm happy for you and I have faith that you have the strength to overcome your struggles in time. On adderall life was fucked up but life was simple, horrible but simple. This is so true. I think this is why, without realizing it, the after-addy crash that inevitably follows binges *and not just the high itself* was a big part of the ritual that is addictive. You are extremely awesome and the hedgehog agrees.

Catsarebetterthandrugs: For a while I took (a friendly) opposition to your name because I misread it as Catsarebetterthandogs, hahaha. I only just now finally read it correctly, LOL

congrats alwaysawesome! it won't be long and you'll be celebrating a whole year you are a huge inspiration to me

OMG bloodlines is really good i watched the first episode like 20 minutes at a time for a few times because i thought it seemed pretty stupid, like really soap opera-ey. then i got sucked in and i cant stop

stuffed i ate waaaay too much soup but at least im not binge-eating junk food anymore

When, not if, but When you do finally stop. The feeling that you get after being off them long enough, beats the feeling of adderall. Because you know it's real and not chemically induced. OMG This is so true.

the whole lets type a story and pretend we're recovered is something that is only the case for the dependents, not the addicted. So true. I was well past dependent, and viciously addicted by the time I first posted here. I only lasted a few days and went right back to it. I lurked on these forums for 8 months before finally reaching out for help at home. This site helps me stay positive and hopeful when things suck. But reaching out for help locally in person was totally necessary for a lasting quit.

I think we've all been there. I spent years trying to recapture the "honeymoon phase", the time where adderall seems to solve all your problems and you can keep it under control. If it were possible to go back to this stage most of us wouldn't be in this situation. Don't be too disappointed; life is way better without it anyway!

Once I did my first binge, I was NEVER able to go back to using responsibly. I spent two years thinking I could. Thinking you can go back to using responsibly is what sustains the addiction.

I used to be so jealous of people who had a legitimate prescription because I thought they didn't have to deal with that stress and panic, whereas I was dealing with unreliable sketchy people who would 'no-show' and let me down when I was desperate for a fix. So you guys had to deal with the same things all along. Who knew? Anyways, so glad we are done with that shit!