Doge

towards the last few months of my usage, it was part of my ritual at the end of each binge, when I was basically on the verge of being in tears facing the reality of what i had just done, to have to carefully dispose of my makeshift tinfoil ashtrays (I am not nor have I ever been an *actual* smoker so I never bought a real ashtray), and then wipe up all the ashes that spilled over the edges, collect all the pieces of plastic wrap from at least two, sometimes even 3, packs of cigarettes I had smoked from that binge. all in a desperate attempt to clear away any evidence of behaviour so i could somehow block it out and pretend it never happened

That's awesome that you joined the forum! I'm really happy to hear that you have a supportive partner as that will make all the difference in the world! I remember when I first met a guy through a friend who basically told me he had enough extras to supply me with 300mg a month (and he sold them almost as cheap as the pharmacy did to him). I thought the exact same thing as you. I figured all my problems were now officially over. Oh man... if I had only known.

They feel like I never smoked.

Well beyond the obvious point that you're doing yourself a MASSIVE favor by quitting, this I how I like to think about it. I am also quitting for someone else too, I just don't know who it is yet. I don't want to be alone my whole life, and the person I want to be with (whoever they are) would absolutely not put up with the behavior I was indulging in for that "dark" time. Even if they did put up with it, I would be just a shell of the person I truly can be. And *IF* (and I this is a pretty huge if) I never meet that person. It was still absolutely and totally, indisputably worth it!

oh yeah i forgot to mention chain smoking cigarettes the entire time, indoors, with the windows closed. disgusting..

I think it's super amazing that you have made it this far, first and foremost. Congratulations! You are on the road to a new, brighter, better you! Think hard about why you wanted to quit in the first place. Things will start to look better soon (no, not perfect, but better). As for hunger, I ate plenty. As for weight, I gained plenty. This was not all bad, some of it was muscle mass coming back from finally stimulating and moving my body more again. but also some of it is fat, which I am now dealing with. It's not easy to deal with this but its so much better than my psychotic life on the pills, living from one binge to the next. I am eating healthy and exercise and the weight *is* slowly coming off (VERY slowly it seems). Wedding coming up in 2 months and I need to lose 10 pounds to fit into my suit. As for the rush, I crave it too sometimes, like really badly (but way less often than before). But logically I know I'm remembering it to be way better than it was; our brains have been programmed to remember most vividly that "FIRST rush". But pretty much all the ones that followed just didn't live up to it.

awesome job!!! you rock and I have no doubt you looked gorgeous at the wedding

SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!

My usage was not constant, as I never had a prescription and was always obtaining it illegally in any way I could. Roughly, I used for about 2 years, with monthly dosages ranging between lows of 200mg and highs (my insanity period) of 800mg. My usage was in the style of 24 hour binges of anywhere from 100mg to 300mg, depending on what I had available. I basically was in a cycle where I would binge for a few days and then crash for a couple weeks until I could get some more from a friend or dealer, etc. From what I can tell (though I am only guessing and can't be certain because I haven't experienced both sides) this mades initial recovery easier since recovery itself was an ingrained habit of mine and indeed part of my addictive ritual. However I think the history of "binge-style" usage also makes for BRUTAL cravings. When I think about adderall and want to get it, it's rarely because I'm romanticizing about the honeymoon phase, intending to take it responsibly. It's my brain craving that rush I used to get from binging. Fortunately these cravings hit me rarely now (like once a month or so) and seem to be tempered by visiting this site and reading/posting daily.

Shambo I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so trapped right now. Just don't forget it's not too late

take between 10 and 30mg to get started, work for about 1-2 hours, take a "break" to play some computer games alone in my room while I took another 10mg or so every 3-4 hours, eventually I'd run out and crash and realize that as many as two calendar days had gone by and i was playing games the whole time. then crash, shower, cry a little, and then watch TV like a zombie for another 6-14 hours until I could sleep. then lie around in bed for 2 days gathering some steam back, and kind of pull my life together for about 2 weeks then get some more pills and start over.

personally I felt brainfog for about 2 weeks typically, then it started to clear up (for the next two weeks until I would re-supply and restart the binge cycle) after that it keeps getting better (though not necessarily in a linear fashion) keep sleeping whenever you feel like it and can afford to. i believe it will only speed up the recovery

I'm sorry but I have to say it anyway whether you like it or not. Congratulations on conquering the demon of adderall. You are a great role model. This may or may not be even slightly helpful, but for what it's worth: I realized a long time ago that I'm not the kind of person that can go to the pub and just enjoy a single pint of beer. If I go out with a friend for a beer, I can expect to leave around 12-1am with between 6-8 pints on my tab. On the bright side, this has certainly led to a lot of fun evenings in my 20s, but in general, my whole next day is ruined as a result. I haven't quit drinking entirely, but have come to terms with this realization and just drink very rarely (once every 2-3 months, or on special occasions), and am careful in what settings I allow myself to take the chance. I still go to pubs fairly often with friends but just indulge in food specials and appetizers instead, and just order water (I'm sure the servers hate me ).

been feeling pretty cruddy myself lately but nothing like depression from binge crashing, etc. here's to feeling cruddy sometimes! (instead of ALL THE TIME)

heh, i still use my PS2, but no networking capabilities on that system

that is so awesome. while you are in this state of strength, i highly recommend cutting yourself off by telling your doctor the truth. it's so hard to tell yourself no when the romanticizing/cravings begins (like probably impossible in my case)

congratulations alwaysawesome

Such an awesome success story! Congratulations on your accomplishment! Nice to have more inspiring tales!

Yeah I just went back and read it from the beginning. I have already started forgetting some of these things.

Your plan sounds rock solid man! keep posting and stay positive!

Glad you reached out! It sounds like there are many reasons you could use to justify continuing your usage, and supporting a family with a child and a newborn is amongst the most noble I could ever think of. But it sounds like you know you need to stop. I think you need to set up some time off of work for yourself to deal with the crash that will inevitably ensue. If this is going to be financially difficult, maybe some preparations involving reducing expenses will be in order first. The good news is that you are super young and you can make a full recovery from this drug relatively quick. But it will still be challenging to adapt to life without it. If you have always been using it consistently and not for partying or binging or whatever, then that would mean that quitting wont be an urgent issue of life/death. So you can use some time to prepare for a well thought-out quit. The bottom line is that you know you cannot be the father you want to be while jacked up on that shit. Good luck and extreme kudos to you for reaching out! You can beat this and change it all!

OMG I'm jealous <3

love stuff like this!

I've been feeling kinda like that too sometimes lately. the very thing I've put my whole life into isn't really sparking my passion right now. it's tempting to look towards a quick fix. before I say any more, congrats on 6 months clean thats amazing and inspiring! my approach is I'm going to ease myself off the path I'm on. Finish my program with minimal effort (i.e. just get the piece of paper so this all wasn't a waste) and then I'm going to go find my true passion. Remember what it felt like when adderall stole that from you in the first place! Remember why you quit in the first place! EDIT: I always try to be careful and only speak for me, but in this case I will dare to say that if you abused adderall in the past, in my judgement, there is almost no chance of going back to using it responsibly.

edited my post, in case it was a spoiler for someone. yeah i really enjoyed his storyline. sometimes shows do too good of a job of romanticizing addictive behaviour, but Bloodlines in particular shows a pretty accurate angle on Danny's addiction.