Doge

It's your choice of course. I won't tell you what to do. However, it seems you have an opportunity to stop the train now before it spins wildly out of control. I can't tell you what I would give to be able to go back and change my behavior during that stage.

Within a few days, your resolve to stop permanently may be significantly diminished. I highly recommend acting quickly on that. In any event, congratulations on your decision and welcome to the first day of your journey of meeting the real you!

your own sentence probably answers that question in a deep way We romanticize the drug. And at least to me, that means we over-exaggerate to ourselves how great it was when we were on it, and we "selectively forget" all the pain it caused (particularly the withdrawals from coming off of it). And that is just our brains natural way of looking back on the past. We always look back on the past with nostalgia, remembering things better than they actually were (this in itself is not a bad thing). But when you couple it with the powerful draw of an addictive substance, you get a recipe for relapse. *raises glass* Amen But now we know better! Let's act differently.

Just go with it, it will bring you some measure of happiness which will make this journey somewhat bearable. Lots of food/sleep, as much of the latter as you can fit into your schedule!

I like the analogy of a bird flying into a fan with closed eyes. The exhilarating feeling of flying super fast, but in reality not moving an inch. It's that exhilarating feeling that we have to learn to live without. But I think we move much further off of adderall than on it! Keep it up you are doing awesome!

No, no, and NO. It breaks my heart to read your words like that. That is your addiction talking to you. It beats you down to the point where you feel like you are worth nothing without the pills. But it is a LIE. (Sorry I'm obsessed with highlighting text) I don't think it could possibly be said better than this! The key to unlocking freedom is to cut yourself off by telling your doctor what is going on. It read your log in the original post about how you were feeling and I sympathize with you heavily; it sounds awful. But I second what AlwaysAwesome said, you didn't give it enough time. It does get better but unfortunately it gets worse first.

relief

seized - not sure what I did but I can feel it coming on my back is gonna be screwed up for the next few days #oldmanproblems Edit: Tigerbalm, thats my new one-word (unless it counts as two)

After every crash...

This new supplier I found could have been a cop (and I've been caught with pills by the police before so I don't think they'd let me off lightly a second time) or someone who might just have offered to meet me somewhere discreet and then beaten/robbed me. Fear of the unknown won out during the moment of truth, which I guess in some sense could be seen as rationality. But it wasn't any sort of strong resistance I'm sad to say. True rationality didn't return until after some long conversations with ZK and then coming back to this site and posting/reading more. Anyways, thanks for the encouragement all the same.

Congratulations!! You are so young your body will do very well overcoming this; it just needs time. This is indeed the best choice to make, especially if you were abusing it! Fish oil is great! Another thing that helps me a tonne is taking a Vitamin D3 supplement (you actually have to get it specifically, any multivitamins i've ever seen dont have any in them). It gives you a lot more natural energy and I highly recommend it! Its what you body makes when you absorb sunlight, and deficiencies in it go hand in hand with adderall abuse for obvious reasons.

You sound like you know exactly what you're in for. I've definitely taken that plunge before even when deep down I knew it was a bad idea. And yeah, for a while all your problems are gone and then they just come back way worse in the end. Post lots and let us know how we can help!

If your husband is controlling them then it sounds like a solid plan. If you stay at that dose and don't step up, then none of your cold turkey week will be a waste. If you've never abused adderall, then I think stepping down is a perfectly valid way to have a controlled quit.

I had an intense craving about a week ago (quite possibly my worst one yet) which I have identified as being caused by the following key reasons. 1) Triggering a pattern of events - around the same time last year I did the drive between the same two cities and got some pills immediately upon arrival. That sort of thing really stuck with my memory, and that's how easy it is to create a habit when it comes to doing addicting things. Even as I was a couple hours away from my destination this time I could feel my nerves going nuts and I was plotting to relapse. 2) Too much time away from this site - I was MIA for about 12 days because I was travelling and got out of my normal routine (which includes checking this site about as often as my email). I didn't want to accidentally have this page open in my browser history in case one of my familiy members used my computer. So anyways, I just stayed away for that time. Well with all the time around family, and being in a different environment, that's about how long it took me to forget I was an addict. I figured that later, when I got home, it might be a good idea to get some more adderall (you know, to help me with my productivity...) It all started with one of the horrible relapse nightmares. When I woke up, I wasn't hardly relieved that it had been a dream, but instead I started to obsess over it for days. I shouldn't have let myself linger in this mindset for so long because by the time I got home it was too late. I wanted to get a supply and I didn't want to stop to talk myself out of it. I didn't want to check this site because I knew it would just make me feel more guilty. I was really upset and in a miserable craving that lasted probably 4-5 days straight. I swear, the entire time I wanted more adderall and spent many hours plotting ways to get some. Once I get into that mindset it's too late so prevention is the only way. I'm ashamed to admit the rest, and I didn't even really want to post about it for a while but I feel like I just need to get it all out. Having no supplier to turn to (I had confessed being addicted and was cut off permanently and I couldn't think of any lies I could use to manipulate them into selling to me again), I did the stupidest thing I could have done. I went looking for more from strangers (and I found someone). This was really stupid. I could have gotten robbed, arrested, or much much worse. Could have been a cop, or worse, a thug. Anyways, fortunately I had just enough mental clarity to realize the risks were too high and it wasn't worth it. I backed out in time thankfully. Things started slowly getting better over the next few days, and I started remembering all the great things about my life right now and how much I have to be happy about. My emotions have balanced out quite a bit since then and I'm really happy about the way things went. I owe a huge thank you to ZeroKewl for taking so much time out of his days and being there for me to chat with basically throughout all hours of several days in a row. It meant a lot to me because when I started getting clean, I really found out that I hardly have any friends left. And the ones I do have left of course I can't really talk to about it. Besides, they are all REALLY pissing me off lately! It has become clear to me that this site is not just therapy to help me feel better. It is absolutely crucial to my recovery and I without it I would find a way to relapse, by seeking out stronger drugs from the street if necessary. I never want to find out where that road leads me because it wouldn't be pretty. Thank God it didn't happen. So thanks also to the rest of you for being my support group and the only friends I really have right now.

One thing I just thought of, regarding weight gain.... Looking back now at some of the decisions and thought processes I made and had during my adderall life I realize are absolutely insane. I can say with conviction that placing a higher importance on not gaining weight than on regaining my true self and life back (and yes, it absolutely was a struggle for me to accept this too!) is one of those thought processes.

Oh and I agree it is very important, as a cat, to get at least 18 hours of sleep per day. You need to be well rested in order to work on plots of world (or at least household) domination while awake.

towards the last few months of my usage, it was part of my ritual at the end of each binge, when I was basically on the verge of being in tears facing the reality of what i had just done, to have to carefully dispose of my makeshift tinfoil ashtrays (I am not nor have I ever been an *actual* smoker so I never bought a real ashtray), and then wipe up all the ashes that spilled over the edges, collect all the pieces of plastic wrap from at least two, sometimes even 3, packs of cigarettes I had smoked from that binge. all in a desperate attempt to clear away any evidence of behaviour so i could somehow block it out and pretend it never happened

That's awesome that you joined the forum! I'm really happy to hear that you have a supportive partner as that will make all the difference in the world! I remember when I first met a guy through a friend who basically told me he had enough extras to supply me with 300mg a month (and he sold them almost as cheap as the pharmacy did to him). I thought the exact same thing as you. I figured all my problems were now officially over. Oh man... if I had only known.

They feel like I never smoked.

Well beyond the obvious point that you're doing yourself a MASSIVE favor by quitting, this I how I like to think about it. I am also quitting for someone else too, I just don't know who it is yet. I don't want to be alone my whole life, and the person I want to be with (whoever they are) would absolutely not put up with the behavior I was indulging in for that "dark" time. Even if they did put up with it, I would be just a shell of the person I truly can be. And *IF* (and I this is a pretty huge if) I never meet that person. It was still absolutely and totally, indisputably worth it!

oh yeah i forgot to mention chain smoking cigarettes the entire time, indoors, with the windows closed. disgusting..

I think it's super amazing that you have made it this far, first and foremost. Congratulations! You are on the road to a new, brighter, better you! Think hard about why you wanted to quit in the first place. Things will start to look better soon (no, not perfect, but better). As for hunger, I ate plenty. As for weight, I gained plenty. This was not all bad, some of it was muscle mass coming back from finally stimulating and moving my body more again. but also some of it is fat, which I am now dealing with. It's not easy to deal with this but its so much better than my psychotic life on the pills, living from one binge to the next. I am eating healthy and exercise and the weight *is* slowly coming off (VERY slowly it seems). Wedding coming up in 2 months and I need to lose 10 pounds to fit into my suit. As for the rush, I crave it too sometimes, like really badly (but way less often than before). But logically I know I'm remembering it to be way better than it was; our brains have been programmed to remember most vividly that "FIRST rush". But pretty much all the ones that followed just didn't live up to it.

awesome job!!! you rock and I have no doubt you looked gorgeous at the wedding

SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!

My usage was not constant, as I never had a prescription and was always obtaining it illegally in any way I could. Roughly, I used for about 2 years, with monthly dosages ranging between lows of 200mg and highs (my insanity period) of 800mg. My usage was in the style of 24 hour binges of anywhere from 100mg to 300mg, depending on what I had available. I basically was in a cycle where I would binge for a few days and then crash for a couple weeks until I could get some more from a friend or dealer, etc. From what I can tell (though I am only guessing and can't be certain because I haven't experienced both sides) this mades initial recovery easier since recovery itself was an ingrained habit of mine and indeed part of my addictive ritual. However I think the history of "binge-style" usage also makes for BRUTAL cravings. When I think about adderall and want to get it, it's rarely because I'm romanticizing about the honeymoon phase, intending to take it responsibly. It's my brain craving that rush I used to get from binging. Fortunately these cravings hit me rarely now (like once a month or so) and seem to be tempered by visiting this site and reading/posting daily.