Doge

CarpeDiem: i know what you mean about the grumpiness! Don't be too scared. You are still re-calibrating and you will be amazed at the recovery you are going to make. You will keep surprising yourself day after day. You have already done the hardest part, gotten through the first two weeks! It only gets better from here on out! Dont forget your own words:

Haha finally someone else likes Hemlock Grove!! Such a funny/creepy show. I didn't like the second season so much but the first one was just grand. You've given me a tonne of new material, catw66, thanks!

OK well I am rooting for you! I just hope adderall isn't preventing you from finding a real sustainable solution.

Have you told your doctor this? I believe this is the best way to get a prescription that is best for you. When things aren't working, inform your doctor! Something about adderall just tells us to "stay quiet" about it though, and is one of the many reasons I don't trust that it's actually good for anyone. These are some common things I have experienced/know someone who has experienced as the root of problems with energy and motivation: Have you had your thyroid checked for an imbalance? How is your nutrition? How much exercise do you get? Are you getting enough sleep at night? How much coffee do you drink? Do you have a Vitamin D3 deficiency? Might be worth searching harder for the cause of your depression than to just mask it with a highly addictive drug. Almost everyone on this forum will agree that adderall leads to pain and destruction. And addiction forms its devastating grip long before the user is aware of it.

I totally get what you mean. Your humanity is no longer dulled by the pill. Even pain is a gift which should not be taken for granted. Sorry for the loss you experienced. Your job must be really hard. Keep up the good work you are doing great!

congrats!

I'm happy to announce my 5th clean month completed. I've been really stressed lately as the clock continues to tick for me to finish my dissertation and I have made no real progress yet. Whenever this stress leads to temptation I just have to remember that a relapse will only make things worse. I just keep plugging away inefficiently every day. The good news is that I feel like I am at a stage where the horrible feelings of regret are seeming to fade a bit. Of course I still wish I never went down that dark road of addiction but I don't lament for the past as much now. I am dealing with the consequences of my actions every single day but I just keep looking forward and try to remember that some good can come from it as well. The simplest example being the ability to empathize with other addicts - especially ones in much more hopeless situations than I ever managed to wander into. It's amazing how the majority of the population looks down on homeless people and de-humanizes them so readily. There are a lot of hopelessly desperate people hanging out on the side of the road in my city and when they ask for money for food, people's first instinct is "oh they just want their next fix I'd just be enabling them" and hurry on their way avoiding even making eye contact. Yeah well, of course they just want their next fix! They are viciously addicted to extremely powerful substances that are chemically engineered to have exactly that effect. That doesn't mean for one second that they aren't suffering, starving, and practically dying on the street from malnourishment. And as a fact, I have never once in my life seen a homeless person that wasn't extremely grateful for even the smallest amounts of kindness that came in a non-monetary form - a bottle of water, an apple, a cup of coffee, a sandwich. Give them anything and they practically get tears in their eyes. It's so easy for people to say things like "oh they should just quit doing drugs" or "why do I have to work for my money and they just sit around begging". But they just don't have a clue what it is like. The reality is that many of them are sitting because they are so weak that they would probably faint if they stood up. Anyways, this was a rant I never intended to go on and I only have seen a tiny glimpse of what they go through. I do however need to cling to these epiphanies as they are the only silver lining to my self-destructive choices in the recent past. Thank you all for being here to help pull me out of that dark hole.

Well good luck. I'm rooting for you. Let us know how we can help.

This is precisely the issue that it comes down to. If you truly want to quit, there is no reason not to just cut yourself off and tell your doctor you are addicted. EDIT: I read your post more carefully and you say you don't think you are addicted. If that is the case, then just stopping is the simplest way to achieve what you desire (although dealing with physical withdrawals will still be a challenge). This sounds exactly like my behaviour in the past. And I am absolutely and unquestionably addicted. Don't write off the likely possibility that you are addicted. And I don't mean that to come across as judgemental in any way. I am an addict. Most of the people on this site are addicts. That's why we need eachother and help eachother. But awareness of the problem is the first and a very important step in the healing process! The fear of not having them in the future in case you need them is a sign of either your addictive personality talking you out of quitting, or a symptom of not truly wanting to quit bad enough. I went through this exact battle for months before I finally took the big leap and cut myself off. I feel that once you are addicted (I certainly am!), this is the only way to not just go running back to it the second things get hard. Personally, I'm not totally there yet (in saying I don't want them anymore). But I have no doubt that I'm fully recovered physically. That being said my usage was different than most peoples. I never took them for more than a few days in a row because I would always run out and then dry out for at least a couple weeks. So frequent recovery was part of my habits. I feel like this made my final recovery go faster, although I still have intense cravings occasionally, my most notable ones at around 2 months clean and 4 months clean. During the past month I've gotten better at recognizing my thought patterns before they get out of control and steering them in a more constructive direction. But I still think about adderall almost every day. But in many ways my life is completely back to normal. I'm just much lazier than I want to be.

+10 One of my worst nightmares would be having to go back in time and be a fly on the wall, watching how horrifically brain damaged I must have looked during my binges.

Keep it up!!! The brain fog will gradually get better!

I'm very happy for you both that tapering is working. I suppose that is one big upside of not abusing the drug!

Chest pains were probably the absolute worst side effect I remember. So much panic, yet wasn't willing to go to the hospital due to fear of going to jail. Ironically that is also the side effect that is easiest to forget....

Well, at least you are quitting! Congratulations on your choice! Did you see a doctor about your concussion? It doesn't sound like you were hanging around very nice people. It was wrong to steal her medication (though as an addict I completely understand what it's like) but that was a completely inappropriate reaction. Best to just keep looking forward now. Get lots of rest and feed/hydrate yourself while you recover. Congratulations again on taking the first step on this difficult but wonderfully rewarding journey!

Congratulations on sticking to it! You should definitely expect to feel more depressed and tired as you slowly lower your dose. Your body has become accustomed to the drug and you are slowly taking it away. Going from 25 to 15 sounds like it would be more painful than going from 15 to 10, so the good news is if you are well-adapted this drop shouldn't be as bad, though going from 10 to 5 may hurt a bit more. It's hard to say because I've never had any experience tapering properly. The other good news is you can go as fast or as slow as you are comfortable with.

You should absolutely be proud! You are doing great!

Congratulations! Sorry your boyfriend isn't being as supportive as he could be. But it could be a lot worse. It sounds like he's at least understanding and never left your side throughout this ordeal. It must also be very frustrating for significant others of addicts. All of my relapses over the past years kind of are just blurred together into foggy memories and only my last and final quit stands out lucidly in my memory. But if I had a girlfriend by my side the entire time getting emotionally invested in every single time I said I was done, I'm sure she would not forget all those failed quits, and it would be hard for her to understand why this one is different. Anyways, I don't know your guys' history, but I'm just trying to shed some positivity and another possible perspective on the situation. Either way it doesn't change the fact that you are doing fantastic. Congratulations again! Do something nice for your self today!

This post makes me so happy. Keep up the awesome work! By the way, check out this thread. You can post every day to let us know how you are doing so we can highfive you each day! http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/1742-the-30-day-challenge-reloaded-welcome-all

the analogy is real

You have already taken the first step by reaching out. Well done! I promise to you 100% that what you are describing is only just the beginning of a horrible horrible path you do not want to go down. If you've already gotten to the point of the dosages you are describing then history tells us all that it is not possible. You really want to try (just like we all did). This kind of thinking really gets in the way of progress and will delay your recovery for as long as you let it. Weaning is in all likeliness not an option for anyone who has upped their dose like you or I have. This is exactly what addiction is and feels like. It feels like you have two personalities, yeah? One of you (THE REAL YOU) wants desperately to stop taking these pills, and get back to what real life is supposed to be, and experience genuine joy and emotion again. The other (THE ADDICT YOU) is terrified of what life would be like if the supply stopped coming. If you mean quitting. There is likely only one way. Whoever your doctor is. Tell them what is going on and have them cut you off. It's plain and simple the best way. Though the inner addict will fight you every step of the way and try to talk you out of it every time, I believe it is the only way to stop for good. I delayed doing this for far too long and tried to quit with my own willpower, but I just kept going back to it. I let my addiction get much more severe and do a lot more lasting damage before I finally swallowed my pride and confessed my addiction. Haven't taken a pill since. There have been certain times where It's been REALLY hard but I don't question the decision in the slightest. If you want to quit, take the step and cut yourself off. It's that simple! Welcome to the forum! Post lots and let us know how you are doing, no matter what you decide we are still here to help.

tears Just read "dear John" and was crying like a baby for the last 40 pages of it, LOL made me sad but happy too - one of those faith in humanity moments don't judge me

aww what happened to your cat?

OMG Congratulations CarpeDiem! Such a wonderful decision you've made. It sounds like you've been working hard on this for some time already. I'm so happy for you that you are now in a position to take that final and wonderful step! Welcome to the boards!

This was true for me too, but not everyone experiences this quick of an adaptation (in fact I think it lasts longer for people who were daily users for an extended period of time). There are many factors that will affect this - age, duration of use, dosage, nutrition before quitting, nutrition after quitting, exercise.