A couple of weeks ago I made a post about relapses, frustrated at myself for failing to quit so many times (I have literally lost count of how many times I swore I would never touch the stuff again.)
quit-once made a thorough reply full of advice and ways of thinking that I should adopt if I want to truly quit once and for all (thank you). Of course I relapsed again since then, and it is only the 3rd day since I quit. I really sincerely want this to be the real quit. But something has to be different than all the other times or I will just give in again. I feel like something truly is different because I distinctly remember walking out my front door a couple days ago (just having woke up from the crash) my whole body aching, sweat already coming down my forehead (it's winter...), and I smelled the fresh air outside and thought to myself, "as shitty as I feel right now, I'd take this over being high." I could say this because the feeling of being on meds was fresh enough in my mind that I could lucidly remember how *NOT* awesome it truly was.
This epiphany is double-edged. On one hand I know 100% that I want to quit, but it is also a huge eye-opener on how addicted I truly am. If it wasn't even that good, yet I still desperately sought it out when a craving hit..... I just about called my "doctor" for another supply a few minutes ago, as I was already beginning to romanticize how great the little bastards made me feel. (JUST 3 days after I concluded to myself that I hate them 100%). Anyways I quickly came to this site to re-read about all the horrible unwanted pain I should damn well know I am going to endure, and I feel a bit more balanced out.
My plan is that in an hour or so I will be eating snacks watching netflix and not tweaking out at my desk doing a million things at once, stressing about how long its going to take before I run out again.