LILTEX41

You are doing awesome!!! Great job!! You said, "I don't know what it is about this drug that pulls me back, but it does." Here is my answer. Adderall is a HIGHLY ADDICTIVE drug. Do not blame yourself for being weak to this poisonous crap. You are a human that has infinite potential and the longer you resist that little bird (devil) in your ear telling you it's good for you or it will help you, then it will get easier and easier. But right now your brain is literally still craving that crap and just know it's not your fault. My favorite tool to combat urges is called, "Playing the tape." When you want to use think back to the last time you used and what happened. Start from the beginning and work it all out to the end (like you did above). Then play the tape forward and imagine the whole scenario out if you don't act on the urge. Get specific and visualize how great it will feel and what you will do/how you will reward yourself for not acting on it. Because like you said, that little bird is going to come back and tweet in your ear. Be prepared for it and have a prevention plan in place for when it does. Thank you for sharing your victory with all of us!

OVERJOYED!!!! I did it. I facilitated my first Smart Recovery meeting and it went so well. It's only been 3 years since I did the training, moved 1200 miles back home, bought a condo, found a meeting relapsed on alcohol for 6 months, got 6 months clean time back (mandatory time to be a facilitator) and now finally facilitated my first meeting. Wow, it so rewarding. Feels great to check another item of the bucket list and finally be able to give back. Joy!

That is AWESOME!!!! Congratulations!!! Love hearing success stories!! Yay!!!!

Facilitating (my first face to face Smart Meeting on Monday).

Half Marathon in 7 hours!! Anxious!

Excited!

Hi Kam, Welcome to the site! So you didn't mention if you were planning on quitting when you ran out 3 weeks early. It doesn't sound like you really ever made a clear cut decision that you wanted to stop. I think it was great that you had 3 weeks off though because it gave you enough clarity, time, and space to see that life on adderall is jacked up and life without it can be really good again. So this is kind of the deal with recovery. You go through a series of stages (pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and termination) see this link for better explanation: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Articles_and_Essays/Stages_of_Change/understanding_stages_of_change.htmI It sounds like you are in the contemplation stage now so the next stage would be preparation where you launch an all out strategy as to how you are going to quit. This might include telling the doctor you are hooked and then devising whether or not a taper or cold turkey plan is better. Then I'd reach out to family/friends for support along with finding any support outlets necessary to help provide you with some tools along the way. I found Smart Recovery to be very helpful, but there are other programs out there. You just have to do some research and find something that works best for you. Once you have a plan mapped out, then dive on in and quit. Come here to share how you're doing and you'll find a lot of support. I really hope the best for you and just know you can beat this!

You got this. You're on the right track!

5 mile run w/ hills - Feeling strong again!

I remember feeling this way 5 and a half years ago, WOW. Your post just hit so close to home. I had been clean for 3 months and then I went back on them and within 3 weeks I was GONE. I was up for days, not eating, and just a mess. I was so high the last night I had them, but I had a conversation with my ex and he basically screamed at me to throw them away. I just knew I had to do it and I couldn't worry about the future. I just had to get rid of them because I was going downhill FAST. What happened? Well, it's 5 and a half years later now and I am still clean. Don't worry about anything right now. Just know you ripped the bandaid off and everything can and will be okay from here on out. You will no longer be paranoid, hallucinating, and out of your mind. You will get your sanity back and that's what's most important! It will get better. Happy for you. Way to go!

Here is a big hug blue moon!!! I'm having a rough time right now too in this area of my life if that makes you feel any less alone. It's not easy letting go, but there comes a point like you said, you just know it is the right choice to make. I just keep telling myself how I overcame so many previous relationships in the past and the hurt is temporary. I know it won't last forever. I find it really encouraging though when I look back over the course of my clean time and seeing different obstacles I overcame without turning back to alcohol/drugs. It will just make us stronger in the end. You are so close to 6 months!! That's awesome! Thinking of you and sending love!

Hi Cindyka, I think he needs to know how you feel. I would explain to him pretty much everything you explained to us and be very clear on how he's changed since taking this drug and how it's effecting you. He needs to know the damage it's causing to the relationship. It doesn't sound like he'll be very receptive to this conversation as from the sounds of it, he is in the height of adderall bliss and most likely feels totally justified by having a prescription that he would probably fight whatever negative things you say about it. However, he needs to know exactly how you feel and what it is doing to you and your marriage. At least that way if you pull away, he'll know why and maybe he could start contemplating if possibly it might be worth quitting someday. I wouldn't get your hopes up right now though. I would start looking for a support group in whatever capacity to help you through the tough times. By support group I really just mean a group of people you meet every week on a consistent basis that can open up to and feel emotionally supported. Please keep us posted and best wishes.

I have never read anything on that guy, but I just know he helps people get out of debt. I wish I could be of more help to you. I took anti depressants for the first 4-5 months after I quit. It seems like you are at a place where they definitely might be helpful. No need to feel bad about it!!! You just gotta do whatever works best for you. There is no one exact road to getting better. Thank you for continuing to share with us. We're rooting for you!

That stinks. I didn't think about the cost. That was a dumb idea. What about just getting all your problems out on paper and then maybe trying to come up with a strategy one by one? Break them apart into smaller manageable pieces and find some sort of action step for each. If debt is an issue, you could take action by checking out Dave Ramsey and seeing what he suggests. Here's a quick link. http://www.daveramsey.com/baby-steps/?snid=start.steps. Maybe just get an outline going of figuring out what's wrong and what needs to be addressed might help you feel less overwhelmed. Just figure out what is causing you the stress and then take action on it. Actually, is it a combination of stress and depression? Why do feel hopeless? Is it because you miss the adderall euphoria? What were you like before you got on adderall? Were you anywhere near the same way? If not, it sounds like you are going through PAWS.

Frank, I think it sounds like you need more of a life coach or therapist. Maybe someone who can help you find answers to the life problems you are having. Those are serious issues and it's totally understandable why you are feeling that way. I think if you can find ways to keep tackling the issues head on one by one, you'll feel better. No pill is going take solve the issues you are having. I mean they will make you not care about them as much, but to me it just sounds like you could use some outside help coming up with an action plan for everything. Just a thought.

Looking back I absolutely can guarantee the reason why I personally used to want to eat everything once coming off adderall is because when I was on it, I ate next to nothing. Not to mention I ate mostly garbage food. On top of that I was drinking a lot of alcohol which made me dehydrated. My body was literally starving for nutrition. Once the appetite suppressant is gone, I think the body comes back full force demanding to be fed. If you eat the wrong food though, you will still feel hungry and starved because the body needs key nutrients and minerals. That's my best guess!

5 mile run done in the sunshine today. Feeling good!

How many days have you been on them? The quicker you get them out of your system and decrease the amount of time you've been on them should help.

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Good job!!!! That is great!!! And I love your ticker and profile pic. Beautiful.

Just a flat tire on the road of your recovery. Pull of the road, change it, and get right back on the highway! You beat this thing for 8 weeks SOLID. That's awesome! Sometimes we have to take one step back to move 2 steps ahead. When I get urges and all that junk, I don't blame the urges on myself. Instead, I blame it on the dark side and evil spirits that have tripped me up in my time of weakness and overtaken me. They are out to destroy us. Yes, I feel weird saying that, but I really do believe this stuff. Cast those bastards off and turn toward the light. You got this!!!

Anti-depressants made me lethargic, fat, and not care about anything. But some people like them. I was on them for the transition from day 1 up to 5 months and then i weaned myself off all the shit they had me on. Looking back that is probably why I stayed clean. I was tranquilized in a fog of serotonin. I did get fat though. I just slept, ate, and didn't care about anything. As soon as I got off all of it, my anxiety was back and I started exercising like crazy. Lost the weight in a good amount of time. It might be worth it to just suck it up and say. "Screw it I am going to do whatever it takes to get off adderall for good and if that means I have to gain a few lbs, f-it. It'll be worth it when I am free of adderall for the rest of my life." Looking back, I seriously think I would've relapsed in that period had I not been tranquilized. Just a thought.

I was going to suggest trying to taper first and see if you can do it that way. It sounds like you already tried that and found it didn't work. Now, I would try plan B: quit cold turkey, but make sure you carve out a good chunk of time that you can be utterly lethargic and sleep. Maybe take a week vacation if possible?

Sounds good Frank, but if you feel you need to talk come visit!!

Wow, yesterday was my 6 month anniversary of quitting drinking again! We have the same quit time. Cool!! Congratulations!!! So happy for you!!!! :0)