LILTEX41

Ladyluck, Thank you for reminding me why I am sober today. I was having a bad morning up until I read your post just now. Sometimes in sobriety, I struggle thinking I'm missing out on partying, but your post just brought it all back for me - what my addiction was really like and I don't want that life back. I used to be a cleaning nazi too. There was never enough plain and simple. I felt empty inside an no amount of substances could fill that hole. I just needed more and more. So thank you for posting even if you are not ready now, know you've helped me today. I agree with Occasional. When and if you are ready, it would probably be best to get a new living situation. I can't even imagine trying to get clean while being around people are taking it. I had to cut ties with using friends. It just wasn't a good fit to be around others as it was a major trigger to want to use again. If you want this, you're right. You CAN do this! We'll be here if you need us for help. Hugs, lil tex

Hi, Leila, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling right now and my heart goes out to you. The pain you are speaking of takes me right back into that god awful fight and I know it can feel so overwhelming, but you have done a tremendously brave thing tonight by posting online. You are on your way to freedom! The fact that you came here and got honest is HUGE and one of the BEST things you could ever do for yourself so give yourself a big (((hug)))) and if you can't then here is one from me to (((((you)))))). The first time I tried to quit EVER is actually the first comment under Mike's article titled, "Your Challenge." My screen name at that time was Erin. I tried to do the step down method too to get me through my work week and then I finally did it and dumped the pills down the sink. I relapsed 3 months later, but at least it was a step in the right direction. I think you will find that the quitting process is a journey and you will have to find whatever works for you. It's hard to know that ahead of time and only you can decide that. This is your recovery and everyone has to find their own way as we are all individuals with different personalities, genetics, backgrounds, and experiences. From what I'm hearing you say, it sounds like adderall is no longer working for you and the negatives far out weigh the benefits at this point. If you have that and hold onto it in your heart ALWAYS, you can be confident in that you WILL rise above and you WILL OVERCOME this struggle. If you are doubting that you can do this and/or not sure you are ready, I suggest getting an index card and write out all the reasons why you want to quit on one side. Then list all the disadvantages of continuing to use on the other. Carry this card with you at all times and look at it whenever you need to. Ok, friend, I hope you get some sleep tonight. Be rest assured God has a plan for you and better things than you could ever imagine are waiting for you!! ((((Hugs)))))

Occasional, What were the positive remarks? Let's focus on those! Also, let's try to seperate YOU from your work performance/behavior. YOU are a human being and worthy of acceptance NO MATTER WHAT. You are not your behavior. Behavior/work performance can always be changed, modified, adapted, or whatever. Right now YOU are doing the best with what you got to get through this difficult time period and adjust to no longer having adderall. The fact that you are showing up, doing the work, and getting through this transition period right now needs to be applauded and awarded! So pat yourself on the back my friend and be proud of your achievement for having the strength to toss the pills and do this the hard way. If you don't applaud yourself, then I will! They don't know you quit taking pills and all that you're going through right now. I'm sure if they did they would lighten up on you be impressed at this admirable conquest you've undertaken. You are staying clean and that is a MIRACLE. MIRACLE!! It will get better. You will figure it out and you will feel amazing as you keep trucking through these times. Here's a little quote just for you tonight. "Character cannot be developed through ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller Hugs!

Congratulations on being free from adderall! Sounds like you are tapping into the journey of self discovery. Awesomeness!

So happy to hear it went well! You sound cheerful. Yay! And congrats on day 9!! You are doing it! Whooo hooo!!!! Hugs!

Emmapea, I know what you mean. I remember how I used to feel so smart because the words would just roll of my toungue when on adderall and for some reason it just felt like everything clicked in my brain at once. What is your degree in? Anything to do with writing? Is this anxiety strictly about graduating or is your future career involved as well? I've found I have to REALLY be into something in order to find that hyperfocus mode like I used to have on adderall. Actually, funny story...so the one thing I did have amazing focus for had to do with an article for a magazine. I advised the editor I would finish my story I had started about my trip to the ER the first time. I don't know what came over me, but what was supposed to be a 3-5 page story ended up being like 43 pages!!!! I wrote non-stop for a week straight and it was so much fun. I wrote at work (oopsie) and I wrote every chance I got. I think that life in post adderall world, you have to find the things you are super passionate about in order to find that drive that is induced on adderall. Probably not what you want to hear right now, but my only suggestion would be that whatever you have to write papers on...see if you can find topics that really interest you and you want to write about. Good luck and congratulations on 10 days!!! Whoop whoop!!!

Ham, CONGRATULATIONS on 66 days today! You are EXACTLY where you are meant to be right now. You WILL get through this and you will OVERCOME. I think DETERMINATION is the most important ingredient to all goals/dreams in life. When there's a will, there's a way. Keep dreaming, keep hoping, visualize, and know that you CAN be and do anything you want to in life. You got this!! A good friend of mine once told me the two most powerful words in the universe are, "I AM" and I found this to be SO true over time. Choose your words and thoughts carefully. Know that you are exactly who you think you are and even if you don't feel like it at times, keep saying this to yourself and you will become what you think. I AM STRONG. I AM CONFIDENT I WILL BEAT THIS. I AM A CHAMPION. Hugs!

LOL, ADD at it's finest y'all.

Whooooooooo hoooooooo!! You sound fantastic! So happy for you Lea! You too Cat!

James, I'm worried about you! I hope you're okay. Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing tonight. Please stay in touch.

Tomasso, First off, I think you are doing AWESOME! You sound very smart and are amazingly articulate! I can't get over all the things you have accomplished in your 1st 2 months off adderall. That's freaking bad ass. Just imagine your future down the road and what all you can achieve! Ok, so now let's talk about your confidence. First of all, you just quit adderall...ALL confidence goes down the pipe line when quitting this drug so I command you to stop being so hard on yourself! Second thing, you remind me of someone I know very well. Let me just say well, at least someone I used to know very well. Here's the deal. You HAVE to start thinking of yourself differently. You are thinking depressing thoughts and the more you think these horrible negative things about yourself, the more you will believe them, and the more depressed and nervous you are going to feel! Make a list of like 20 - 30 awesome things about yourself. Look at this list everyday and repeat it to yourself every chance you get! Everytime you have one of these self downing thoughts, refute it and rephrase the thought. For example, "I feel like if I tried everybody would reject me because they would remember how I'm always nervous and awkward constantly from the past few semesters, if they even know who I am. I feel invisible to girls too, like they find me repulsive, which I don't believe is true at all." Ok, now what evidence do you have of any of this??? Who says this is true??? Rephrase this, "I accept myself EXACTLY as I am because I am human being . We all feel insecure at times and it is OK that I am feeling anxious about trying to make new friends or hang out with people I know. This is NORMAL to feel this way and going forward I am going to keep reminding myself that other people feel this way too. Most of the time when I am fearful of what someone else is thinking, they are probably thinking about themselves and their own problems. It typically has nothing to do with me and if it does most of the time, that is their problem - NOT mine. Instead of focusing on my fear, I will ask them how they are doing. I will take all attention off of me and ask LOTS of questions! People like to talk about themselves. Talk about something you may have in common. And whatever you do, you need to start building yourself up! People will be at ease with you when you are at ease with you. Learn to love youself for your quirks, imperfections and all. Even if you think it's stupid, just keep repeating positive things about youself ALL day long. Make a list and keep referring to it. List out all your accomplishments and all your best qualities. Love yourself and the rest of the world will love you the way you do! K? Now, last thing...here's a little article from Smart Recovery on Self Acceptance. ((((Hugs))))) Thoughts to Help Increase Self-Acceptance 1. I'm not a bad person when I act badly; I am a person who has acted badly. 2. I'm not a good person when I act well and accomplish things; I am a person who has acted well and accomplished things. 3. I can accept myself whether I win, lose, or draw. 4. I would better not define myself entirely by my behavior, by others' opinions, or by anything else under the sun. 5. I can be myself without trying to prove myself. 6. I am not a fool for acting foolishly. If I were a fool, I could never learn from my mistakes. 7. I am not an ass for acting asininely. 8. I have many faults and can work on correcting them without blaming, condemning, or damning myself for having them. 9. Correction, yes! Condemnation, no! 10. I can neither prove myself to be a good nor a bad person. The wisest thing I can do is simply to accept myself. 11. I am not a worm for acting wormily. 12. I cannot "prove" human worth or worthlessness; it's better that I not try to do the impossible. 13. Accepting myself as being human is better than trying to prove myself superhuman or rating myself as subhuman. 14. I can itemize my weaknesses, disadvantages, and failures without judging or defining myself by them. 15. Seeking self-esteem or self-worth leads to self-judgments and eventually to self-blame. Self- acceptance avoids these self-ratings. 16. I am not stupid for acting stupidly. Rather, I am a non-stupid person who sometimes produces stupid behavior. 17. I can reprimand my behavior without reprimanding myself. 18. I can praise my behavior without praising myself. 19. Get after your behavior! Don't get after yourself. 20. I can acknowledge my mistakes and hold myself accountable for making them -but without berating myself for creating them. 21. It's silly to favorably judge myself by how well I'm able to impress others, gain their approval, perform, or achieve. 22. It's equally silly to unfavorably judge myself by how well I'm able to impress others, gain their approval, perform, or achieve. 23. I am not an ignoramus for acting ignorantly. 24. When I foolishly put myself down, I don't have to put myself down for putting myself down. 25. I do not have to let my acceptance of myself be at the mercy of my circumstances. 26. I am not the plaything of others' reviews, and can accept myself apart from others' evaluations of me. 27. I may at times need to depend on others to do practical things for me, but I don't have to emotionally depend on anyone in order to accept myself. Practical dependence is a fact! Emotional dependence is a fiction! 28. I am beholden to nothing or no one in order to accept myself. 29. It may be better to succeed, but success does not make me a better person. 30. It may be worse to fail, but failure does not make me a worse person.

SearchingSoul, 1st off - SO proud of you!! Whooooo hooo on day 6!!! 2nd thing - I LOVE cognitive behavioral therapy!!! It is the bomb! So that's why my Smart Recovery program is all about. There is NOTHING to fear. It's not what you think. I've had a few counselors as well. It won't be her probing all into your life and the way you think like for example asking you to re-hash your deepest darkest secrets or anything. Instead, the goal is to teach you how to change your thinking pattens and thoughts. As they teach you how to change maladaptive ways of thinking, you'll begin to start catching yourself and then correct the thought pattern..which then leads to different behaviors and feelings, etc. Don't worry! I think you'll really like it, but just make sure you like your therapist. If she's not a good fit, keep shopping until you find the right one.

Dang, adderall is blowin' up all over the place. I think we should start a poll and all guess how much longer before they take it off the shelves. Anyone care to go first?

James, I am SO HAPPY you posted! I LOVE what In Recovery has said and please listen with all your heart. Adderall is some scary shit and I am thankful you came clean to all of us tonight. Have you told your family and friends? I really think you need support right now. What about someone at your church if you don't feel comfortable with telling family or friends? I just think it would be so good if you had someone to talk to face to face and someone to call if you needed to at times. Sometimes I don't feel like I am the great with advice for people who are just quitting because my addiction had to get really severe before I would quit for good...I spent a day at the ER, psych ward, and a week in a detox unit. Never EVER wanting to go through such a horrific experience along with all the other horrible stuff that happened..well, that's what kept me clean. I wanted a life that was sane again. I wanted to sleep, eat, and peace. For me it meant I had to give up my super stressful job as a supervisor and go work night shift for a year. I finally changed jobs and found one way less stressful. I had to make my life as easy as possible in order to not turn back to the pills. It is OK to take a few steps backwards in order to move forward again eventually. If you need to drop your classes and take a semester off to get clean then that's what you do!!!! This is your LIFE that is at stake here! I got an idea....let's visualize....imagine what your life will look like without adderall for the next 5 years. Plan it out. Map some goals out you'd like to achieve each year..like for example.. 1st Year - 2013 - GET OFF ADDERALL & DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO STAY CLEAN 2nd Year 3rd Year 4th Year 5th Year Ok, now visualize what will happen if you go back on adderall based on what has happened already. Now imagine that getting like 10 times worse because that is what addiction looks like. It never gets better!!! It's just like Kenny Chesney says, "One is one too many, and one is never enough." If you need someone to talk to, please message me. I will support you in any way I can to help you get through this. Just know that You CAN do this. I have FAITH in you. God will pull you through this. Maybe there is a recovery group at your church? Ok, well you are in my prayers tonight my friend. Just hang in there and we will all be right here to help! (((((((((Hugs)))))))))

Hey Occasional1, I was thinking about my response to you the other day and realized I think I was a little overzealous. I tend to be a bit hyper at times (imagine that, lol) and I can get a little too intense/obsessive in my thinking. Anyhow, what I wanted to say was that I am just really so proud of you for your honesty. I know there were plenty of times that I should've done what you did and instead I relapsed. So guess what?? You did it! You overcame your craving and that my friend is so freaking awesome. I think you should just take an easy right now and focus on trying to sleep, rest, and doing a little bit at a time. It's almost weird now that I've been off it for so long that I forget what it's like in the early days, but I know that it takes time and I hope I didn't overwhelm you by anything I was rattling off at the time. Ok, well stay strong my brotha and live another joyful day clean and FREE! Whoop whoop

Welcome Steve. Congratulations on day 9!! Can't wait to hear more about your recovery and all the great things in store for you! Hugs, Liltex

Wow, injections seem pretty intense. Does she still get them now?

Mamma says Happiness is from magic rays of Sunshine that come down when ya feelin Blue

10-4...maybe this is what Ashley needs!

Have you tried vitamin B12? A co-worker of mine introduced me to them a year or so ago. Of course, they are nothing in comparison to adderall, but they do help me.

Jared, so sorry to hear about your father. Prayers for you and your mom. I think your plan sounds awesome. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you right now, but getting through this adderall free is really going to help you in my opinion in that you will be able to start the healing process emotionally and not use an artificial drug to distract you from the pain. Thank you for your honesty and reaching out to all of us. Looking forward to hearing your story.

Ashey, I'm sorry to hear that! Are you okay???

Do they sell this in most grocery stores?

Hi Leo. So glad you posted! How are you feeling tonight? Sometimes I feel like the best thing to do is look inward at times like this. What is your gut telling you to do?

Hey Jared! Don't be so hard on yourself. If it were easy we wouldn't be here! It took me a long time before I was finally ready to call the doctor's office and tell them to not EVER give me adderall again. After I finally did it though...WOW. It felt great to have slammed the door shut and not look back. Anyhow, glad you posted and can't wait to hear your story! Hope you get some rest soon. Take care.